E. M. Syvertsen
patreon
SPiKE graphic novel update
🕑 Added 2020-01-21 16:00:39 +0000 UTCThis update has been requested for a while, and I'm sorry it comes so late and that I have been sort of voiding answering it.
There's a lot of shame, guilt and stress behind why I haven't replied and why it's not out yet, and to be honest it is very heavy for me to write this cause I just feel like a perpetual disappointment.
The publishing company is still very much interested in the novel, extremely so, which is a good problem to have but for me the pressure just proved too much. Expectations too high, and I've been burned out several times too many over these past two years.
Shit happening in my personal life has left me very overwhelmed, trying to cope with all the bad, make the good things in my life a priority so that I don't jump the roof yanno... and TLDR; the graphic novel has been an obstacle more than a pleasure to work on. I keep telling myself I should enjoy it and be grateful for this chance to fullfill a lifelong dream, but because of the timing and the extreme amount of stress surrounding it and caused by it, more and more I've come to hate the idea of getting published.
I don't know if I can do this, to be honest. Or at least I doubt if now is the time.
If I'm gonna make this comic, it has to be on my own terms and at my own pace. But going rogue might mean that my publisher will lose interest in it and go for something else that they can profit from.
I was never in it for the money anyways, and there's also the stressful fact that no matter what I earn on the first volume, the government is taking 84% of my profits because I'm on social welfare due to crippling stress and anxieties leaving me unable to hold a job.
It used to be that they took 98.98% of my earnings, if I had any, but I managed to negotiate with the tax office to lower it to 84% this year so at least it's something. But thing is; if I publish this graphic novel, I lose pretty much anything I earn AND they cut my welfare, so basically it means I might have to move, again, and having even less money than I have right now so... heh... Ironically I cannot afford to publish this book. How fucked up is that, huh?
So that's undeniably been a major stressor. Also trying to cope with the stress of the expectations and the deadlines and being terrified of letting people down, all of which has ironically ensured that I let people down.
I started working on volume one properly in 2019. Sketched it in the summer of 2018.
2018 was a year that started off pretty shitty.
I was living with my mum after leaving what I realized too late was yet another abusive relationship. But I still had to go back regularly over the next couple of months to pack my stuff and properly move out of there. Which was... extremely draining, because of his reactions. Sounds extreme but I felt like I was walking around with a gun to my head. After I'd moved out and rehomed my rats (the truly sad part of it all...), my ex went full smear campaign, low key stalking and just-... let's just say it was a fairly exhausting breakup.
To distract myself and also to see if there was still hope that genuinely nice guys existed, I tried dating again. Pretty quickly. Met this one guy who I fell for, hard. But as luck has it, he turned out to be-... Not at all what his first impression tricked me to believing. Which sucked cause I genuinely loved that guy. There were some serious soulmate qualities in there, but, yanno... I was not gonna let myself get stuck in another relationship where I felt like a prisoner, so... But fuck, that was a heartbreak that lasted months.
While all this was happening, I was as mentioned living with my mother, a person who I for personal reasons am utterly terrified of. So I was walking on glass and my mental health just plummeted. But I had a group of friends in Oslo who I felt happy with, safe and like I could not only be myself but was appreciated for it and strongly encouraged to be myself to the full extent. So I took every chance I got to hang out with them.
At one of their parties is where I met my current boyfriend, who is something so rare as a genuinely nice boyfriend. Considerate, encouraging and supportive, and ... I could gush about him for paragraphs on end dude.
But we faced some obstacles too, and my life was very turbulent, so in the fall he left me. It ended on friendly terms, I held back what I felt cause I didn't want to make things worse for him, cause if there's one thing I know is that when someone wants to break up with you, you respect their choice and you leave them the fuck alone, cause you can't pressure anyone into loving you. I did not want to treat him the way I had been treated by my exes. So I kept my grief to myself, processed it without dragging him into it.
But at the same time I lost Jake, my puppy... Which I'm not gonna talk about here because I'm still grieving him tbh.
So come december I was like, fuck this, I need a positive distraction... So I decided to be a dumbass and start dating again.
Dated this one guy who was nice and funny, but very-... old fashioned. And I felt so defeated after the recent heartbreaks and the emotionally draining year that I'd had, and losing the one nice guy in my life I reckoned that, fuck it, I might as well give up hope of getting someone like that again, so I settled. This guy I dated came and lived with me for a month or so, and he was super nice, but somehow I felt... trapped. Especially after the first time I'd tried breaking up with him and he managed to claw me back. I hate upsetting people, and as previously mentioned I had given up on potential happiness so I was like... fuck it, I might as well. Things weren't that bad, right? The bad stuff were just... small things. Right? So I tried to just relax and enjoy this relationship. I had moved out from my mum's place that fall and it was now early 2019, I had a nice apartment I was renting, I had landed a book publishing deal with the plan of publishing it the upcoming fall, and things were looking good. Right?
...So why did I feel so unhappy?
First deadline was closing in when spring started coming around. And perfect timing; my landlord sent me a text saying I had to move out asap cause they were gonna sell the apartment.
So now me and the boyfriend I had at the time had to move out. Or, well, I had to. He already had an apartment, he was just living in mine instead.
Having already moved two times the past year, I wanted to find somewhere I could stay for a while. Someplace I would feel more free, and happy. So with all my friends being in Oslo, I wanted to move to Oslo. My bf at the time did not approve of that. And this is when I realised that, shit, I'm about to be caged again. So I insisted, I insisted hard that no, I want to live in Oslo. I know it's expensive, but fuck it, I'd rather have less money to spend on other things and live someplace that makes me happy than living cheap but couped up someplace where I feel miserable. So he let me find an apartment for us and he started applying for jobs, but he still insisted that it would be better if we just went and lived in his apartment, in this tiny, tiny town in the middle of nowhere where I would be far away from everyone I know. Saying that it was the smartest option since I could save up money and then move to Oslo next year instead. I was so, so tired... I had found this perfect apartment for us, affordable, central, gorgeous, and the landlord had said yes to renting it to us, and I had to call back and say that sorry we won't be taking it cause my bf changed his-.. my mind.
I gave up. I utterly gave up.
So we were gonna move to his place. Bye bye happiness, hello living somewhere isolated but at least having money left at the end of each month...
Before we were gonna move, most of my things packed and all, I was invited by my friends in Oslo to a party. More specifically, invited by the nice guy who had been my boyfriend that previous summer, to celebrate his birthday with our friends. At that point we were friends as far as I knew. But that day changed everything.
We were outside while he was having a smoke, and he asked me how I was doing. And I let him know.. I felt like he was the only one I could confide in because I had never trusted anyone as much as I trusted him. And he already knew more about me than most people. And he listened. Saw through my fake smiles, and told me "..just promise me you won't let yourself be trapped again, okay?"
And fast forward to the morning after, I had done something I am not proud of because I really hurt someone, but it is also the absolute best decision I have ever made and I wouldn't change it if I could.
I cheated on my then boyfriend, told him on the phone that I couldn't do this anymore, I didn't want to move to his place and I was still in love with the boyfriend I had before him. I basically told him the truth.
Turns out me and the 'birthday boy' still had strong feelings for each other. Like, I knew that I did, I'd never stopped loving him, I had just tried to pretend I didn't. But hearing him admit that he regretted breaking up with me and that he'd never stopped thinking of me, that he too had dated others but that it hadn't felt right cause all he could think of was me but he didn't think I felt the same...
I had never thought I'd hear him say that. But it was such a magical moment. And I knew there was a risk that it was just the booze, that come morning he would say he didn't mean any of it, cause the damaged part of me still had a hard time trusting that I could trust him, that I could trust anyone this much for that matter.
But it's 2020, and I keep trusting him and he keeps proving to be as honest and trustworthy and genuine as I always hope he is.
Late April 2019, I moved to Oslo. My past kept coming back to haunt me and stress kept trying to break me, but all the good things made it worth the fight. The taste of freedom was not something I was gonna give up easily. I live in a tiny, tiny one room appartment, barely enough space for me and my dog, but the view is spectacular and the location surprisingly perfect, it costs half my income and with the rest of my bills taking pretty much all of what remains so it's hard to make ends meet, but holy fuck it is so worth it. I am genuinely happy here. I have a good life, an amazing boyfriend, amazing friends aka my chosen family, my dog has a lot of friends here too, and the oportunities seem endless in Oslo.
And I am certain this is how I have survived all the other shit that's happened in 2019. I almost lost my entire family due to standing up for myself. The only one supporting me and believing me in my family was my dad. And my boyfriend has been a true lifesaver. He is an absolutely incredible person, I am perpetually amazed at how genuinely good he is. I also admire his strength, how sure he is of his own boundaries and how honest he dares to be, and how incredibly brave he is. He inspires me to dare to be braver, to be more honest, to stand up for myself and... Shit dude, he just means so much to me. I keep growing as a person by proxy it seems lol.. <3
...but as a part of standing up for myself, daring to be more honest, to be brave, to be aware of and respect my own boundaries, I think I have to tell my publisher that I'm sorry, but if I'm gonna do this graphic novel, it has to be on my own terms and at my own pace.
And I both hope and believe that you guys will understand and support that as well.
Worst case scenario, I'll lose the publishing deal with Egmont, take few more years to finish the first three volumes and then pitch them to foreign publishers. If that fails, webcomic.
So even though it keeps taking way more time than I want it to, I intend to keep my promise to you all; that when it is done, one way or another you will get to read it.
I'm not giving up on this series. But it is gonna take a bit longer than anticipated and for that I am sorry. I have learned my lesson in how I think it is best to just not reveal anything about a release date until I have done my part and can say with absolute certainty what will happen next. Cause I hate letting you guys down like this..
But you guys have been absolutely incredible <3 I have no words to express my gratitude to you all, other than tons of feels and repeating 'thank you so much' over and over again.
SPiKE would have just stayed an unfinished draft since 2009 if it wasn't for you guys, so seriously; thank you so much for supporting and believing in this project <3
