🕑 Added 2021-08-02 19:16:55 +0000 UTC
Trigger warning: mental illness, overdose, bl00d, self harm
Hi everyone, I want to tell you about my mental breakdown which happened in the early hours of Friday morning. I hope this is ok to share, I feel like it is my safest platform to discuss what has happened to me the last few days. Plus, I know your secrets so perhaps it is time to share mine.
I picked up a drink on Thursday. Most of you will be aware that I decided to go sober in April because alcohol gets me into unsafe situations. For some reason I thought that last Thursday would be different. It wasn’t. It was all fun & games until I got home and reflected on the evening. I’d been embarrassing, aggressive & excessive, and when I arrived home it hit me that I had relapsed in quite a major way. I guess the guilt and shame of the situation made me feel like I needed to end my life.
I woke up Friday evening in the Intensive Care Unit after taking a fatal over dose. I’d been sedated since I was picked up by paramedics. My blo0d pressure was life threateningly low, but an IV could not be inserted because all of my veins collapsed. This meant I had a line connected directly into my shin bone, a pain I thankfully avoided at the time but certainly can feel now. I couldn’t breathe without assistance & I had a catheter inserted to drain the toxins from my body. Waking up in this situation was heartbreaking.
My mother was warned that I wasn’t likely to last the night. Today has been the first day I can think at least a little clearer. I feel lost in limbo. Knowing I was so close to saying goodbye to the world and yet still being here feels bittersweet. I have holes all across my body where doctors and nurses must have frantically tried to attach a drip.
I don’t know where to begin on processing this. I appreciate that I am here to provide porn and perhaps you are not interested in me outside of what I can produce, but I needed to get this out. Work is very important to me, and financial debt has been a reason I have made attempts on my life in the past. It makes me so nervous that my income can falter, despite me knowing full well I need time off to get better.
If you have read this far, thank you. The last few days I have felt like I am screaming into the void, so thank you for making that void seem less scary. Maybe I am praying to god, to someone, to show me how to cope & what to stick around for. Mental illness has a funny way of kicking you when you are down.
Thank you to those of you who have messaged me already, and to those who ask what you can do to help, please buy my content & tip me whatever you can. Scroll through our DMs and maybe buy a video that takes your fancy! It will take the edge off this anxiety.
I love you for being here. Mental health matters.
