Amethyst Liddell and Chasing Selene posts
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(part whatever) a closing request
Suffice it to say this approach for posts-- doing it when I'm in bed, committed half to sleep and half to wake-- has been working for me. It's an appropriate intersection between having the energy to type out thoughts, the focus and time to do so, and the honest feelings to fuel them.Gee, when I put it like that, no wonder it's kind of my most reliable writing conditions.But that thought is the mind killer. It will make me think things like I Should be writing something else instead....
(part 6) there wasn't supposed to be a part 6
I've never been entirely satisfied with the way people talk about dreams. Oh man, I'm one sentence into this post and the word "dream" has already lost its meaning to me a la jamais vu.Firstly, the word has two meanings: the hallucinations we experience when sleeping, and the lifelong ambitions we hold close to our hearts. Conceptually, I do not like this conflation. Those are two different things. Using the same word for them seems almost cynical-- like our hopes and ideals are ...
(part 5) the princess and the perturbances
so I've set down, in quick succession, some of the biggest insecurities I could think ofand for some reason I haven't caught fire yetso that's niceI can't say I'm Fixed :tm: but it feels like the internal pressure is much reduced. like... everyone (You !!) has been generally supportive. because, duh.some of these things, like the posting cringe aspect, still need to be lived up to before I can release that aspect of it internally, I thinkBut where I'd been waffling on the...
(part 4) the usual doubts
the wheel that i am always spinning myself in, though, is thiswith any of these projects, i just have to write itand i have a lot of text and note filesbut not enough up until the end of the game-- outlines, sure, but not the detailed writingso oughtn't i just finish that detail?but the problem i have is that whenever i get a certain distance in, i lose grounding. this isn't like reborn where i know what it Is In Game, what Actually Can Be Experiencedthis is a collection of note files wi...
(part 3) sketching hope
and then there's the brand of insecurity that is just[ID: A meme featuring a person sitting on the edge of a cliff which is labelled "idea". In the middle, there is a gap labeled "Being cool", and on the opposite side of the image an object sits on a second cliff labelled "Results". In a second row, the image is repeated, but the person is now walking from "Idea" to the now-shining "Results". Where "Being cool" previously represented open air, ...
(part 2) shades of shame
I want this to be like, I am working and you pass by. And you look over my shoulder and see something interesting and in an unspoken moment of "hey what's that?" I can scooch aside and be like "oh yeah come check this out"But the reason I don't ultimately comes down to fear I am afraid that if I do I will somehow ruin the game for youI am afraid that sharing too early will ruin the process of making the game for meI am afraid of setting expectations-- because although the...
(part 1) internal acupuncture from under the covers
Since I always choose to use the energy I have to actually work on development, I'm gonna try a different style of post. I'm laying in bed writing this, not quite having mustered the force of will to get up and begin the day. Maybe I write this over a few days. Maybe I can speak more candidly this way, or maybe it will motivate me. Or be a better use of time. Or all of the above.But then even if it's none of them, at least I will be saying something here. Maybe it will help me to wri...
kyra
earlier this month we celebrated kyra's 21st birthday. she was well-groomed. her kidney issues were under control. i gave her extra treats and love. she'd been so snuggly lately.one night last week she started throwing up repeatedly. her breathing was strained. her coordination, suddenly staggering. we said after the fourth time, that if it happened again we should take her into the vet. not for dragging our feet, we left after the ninth.it was about 2 am. there were two people staffing ...
on sunflowers
hi. not dead. been meaning to write sooner.i've been meaning to write sooner for about three months now tbh. the problem is that every time i'm like "i have writing energy", i have to choose between either using the energy to post here just to say that i am in fact still truckin', or just doing the aforementioned truckin'. i tend to choose the latter.the substance of the trucking is by and large in the form of writing. i'm writing (and coding) for three alternating pr...
swish
we have achieved Roommate and thus our living situation is, for the first time in about a year a half, something resembling relatively stablehalleluaas always, thank you all for sticking through it <3cass and i are still cooking and i want to continue to cook before i start sharing more directly. but i do feel like i have something i never have before, a fully customizable interpreter replacing most of RPG Maker's core functions. i'm currently passing it around three projects, which soun...
manic modularity
financial stability continues to elude us (we have been full no-contact ghosted by three roommates in a row now),however,we are schmovingi don't think development is going fast,and i don't have any particular milestones to show offbut what i can say is that i currently feel the best i have about it since the end of reborn's developmentso firstly, i have this issue where whenever i'm working on one thing i feel like i Should be working on everything or anything else. grass is alwa...
clotted dreams
i'm getting through the current events.i think they might be impacting my mood and function. either that, or i'm simultaneously so resilient as to be unaffected by them, while also being so fragile that i am actually just using them as an excuse. jury's still out on which of those is more likely.i'd be lying if i said if i said my work was at all focused. there hasbeen work. i've felt very motivated to just learn to Get Really Good at godot so i can use it for whatever i need...
kuro (ft a poll)
wanted to hold off on posting kuro until last to preempt any expectations that other protags would be changing more toogeneral id for the blind audience, all of the images in this post are graphics for a protag, i don't think there's anything i can say here to make this meaningful for you all, sorry friendskuro is, in my opinion, both the least popular and least appealing protag. related. so i wanted to help him out a bit. i was prepared to make some bigger changes, maybe give him a brai...
decibel
i dont have a post i just have an image or two, i'll have a post tomorrow* bye[image id: a before and after comparison of reborn protag decibel]
emotionally neutral old years' post
hey okay good morning we are here on the last day of 2024 where did the year gowith regards to the prior writing, there has been a slow trickle of encouragement and positive comments about it which has meant the world to me. thank you so much <3with regards to the new project, i've been trying to make sure i'm writing from a place of genuine passion as opposed to obligation. so lately i've been doing a bit more programming than writing to try and get the gamepart of the game function...
letters in an empty room (part 5)
(part 1)(part 2)(part 3)(part 4)I've gotten used to waking up With overeager houseguests preening at my hair.I dare not scream,Knowing what tonic knots of threadEach time are poured unto my throatLike an ungentle mother whoTakes her child by the jaw andPinchesHer mouth open toInstill the bitter pill to the unwillingPatient who knows no better.I dare not shake them,For as I have made you my art, am I not theirs?Though I can never hope to be so gracious a subject as Thee, my sickle-sweet Cyann...
letters in an empty room (part 4)
(part 1)(part 2)(part 3)Sweet Cyanne,Did the Gorgon blush to see you?Did she smile?Did she wave?Did she run up close to greet you,To pay reverence upon your pearly face?Did she feel the need to keep youLocked inside her lapid gaze?Did she covet your aesthesis,An elegance to steal awayIn galleries of stone-cast sculptures,Safe for keeping, safe from vultures,Who would peck and pillageAt your bodyFor any scrap of warmth left undevouredBy those rabidRavenous creaturesWhich cling nightly even now up...
letters in an empty room (part 3)
(part 1)(part 2)Sweet Cyanne,I am certain I am being haunted.Could it be your spectral soul in there,Looking back at me as I at you?By now the servants have stopped knocking.My most frequent suitors are the tiny fellow artists,Who's gossamer creations adorn the corners of my room.I cannot bring myself to oust them,Cordial houseguests that they are,Whose most egregious crime isSilenceIn response to all my rambling,Answering no differently than you.And yet my heart is ill at ease.My dreams are...
letters in an empty room (part 2)
(part 1)Sweet Cyanne,How curious it was to me that the entirety of my mind could be possessed in1.1 by 5 cmOf your littlest, orphaned digit.And who among the elder titans even--Rodin, Canova, Duchamp, Berini,Those many names my dad hand-drilled into my soapstone skull--Could call themselves an artist and yet Resist the devil-dealt, Goetian contractTo make men gaze at their work the way I looked at even the smallest, Most insignificant part of you?Is it the rings that bind two souls together, or ...
letters in an empty room (part 1)
we will do this in parts. it'll be more fun that way.i'm only going to include this in the first part, but it will apply to all of them that i post here: trigger warning for arachnophobia and sexual assault.what i will be posting each day for a bit is a relatively spoiler-free excerpt, a series of letters that may be found in a room empty, save for cobwebs and a single statue buried in bed sheets and a cage of stone-cast thorns.%%%%%%%%%%%%%Sweet Cyanne,I cannot know how long I wept when...
ari
hi lovesi'd be lying if i said i hadn't spent most of the month hard-Coping. finding the focus to write has been challenging. aside from the political climate, our situation still isn't exactly stable. we're looking to pick up a roommate to make house payments, but there's a lot of housework to do before then in terms of presentability and safety, so most of my effort this month has gone there, and there's a decent chance that will be the same next. if that persists into ...
we just don't know.
so this is rough, and i'm still coming to terms with it myself.the extent to which this was decisive was unexpected, right?i mean, everything is an information bubble, but the polls showed a lot of promise, didn't they?is there anything she could have done better? is there anything he could have done worse? does it even matter if it doesn't reach the tons of people who were surprised to see that biden was not the candidate?so my takeaway from tonight is this:we just don't know.i ...
lucia
happy halloween friends~I continue to quietly work forward, but i'm not quite ready to share a bit more yet, so in the meanwhile, have this.lucia was actually the first i did. i like her old sprite the best, but it's challenging and messy to work with! i think she has some new competition though.a part of me would want to do my old usual halloween stream today, but i don't feel ready for that, and we still gotta do a bit more work to make our new place streaming-ready. similarly, i h...
alice
okay so patreon is doing this really cool thing where the text is black and the background is blackhere is a screenshot of the above line being typed already so you can see what i mean:i can see the text if i highlight it. but.this is not helpful, guys.so anyway i guess i'll do my best to type this without seeing what i'm writing.... it's a good thing i was planning to just toss up a couple images here and call it a day.first and foremost, writing-wise, still cooking, and i'm thi...
a good experiment
I've written 3.4k words today. Some more the day before last. And yesterday was just an emotional rut.I think this two-hours-a-day system has run its course. I've been closer to every other day lately, and less productive over all, I realized, since it set in somewhere partway through September how financially uncertain our situation is. (Here, I'll add a continued note of thanks for everyone who is supporting me here, because it really is completely critical right now.)Anyway, somet...
vero
1.3. The week has been a struggle and it is not a triumphant return to word count. But it is one.A second pass at editing was had, and I have adjustments to both text and process to make. I am still calibrating there, but in the meanwhile, I haven't been idle. I've been doing a healthy bit of spriting instead, nice for a change of pace-- less interesting, but more relaxing than churning text. That's not for this game though. Won't be too many sprites here, I imagine.That's fo...
bits and peaces
2.4 today.Yesterday I ended up just spriting instead of writing. Just a little sidetracked on a littler project for Reborn. Oops. Oh, but who am I kidding, no one here wants to hear about Reborn things...Actually, it has been nice to be able to have that to go back to and poke at from time to time. My relationship to the project is quite different now that I have something else I'm "supposed"to be doing. It probably helps that the new team has been really proactive about handling all...
bottled thoughts (lightly fizzing)
Yesterday became a "break" day on account of 19.5.0 finally being put out to public!If you haven't already gotten in on it and you're itching for some more Reborn, now's a good time... Here's a thread.Writing-wise, today became a planning today. I've been hand-wringing about an upcoming segment., not quite feeling good about any of it... Finally figured out at least part of what I need to do last night, so today I spent the time drafting an outline of events and tryin...
on petting
few days ago, finished the prior scene.then i broke. ...breaked? took a break. though the first thing might be accurate too, i had a Rough day in there.1.6 yesterday.2.8 today.meant to post again sooner but both of the last days i expected to write more than what i did in the first session and then post after that. and then i didn't actually end up doing that. oh well.The Oatmeal has a really good comic about perfectionism. you should click that link and go read it. but if you are determined...
internal inertia
4.4 between today and yesterday. Mostly today-- yesterday I tried a couple different times to write, and wasn't really up to it... so I took a tactical retreat, slept on it, came back raring to go today.Though I'm glad I gave myself the chance to try yesterday, what I did was definitely more effective than abiding strictly to my two hour minimum.Far be it for me, the person who talked last year about struggling with alexithymia, to preach about the role of emotional awareness in creative...
