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Hard Digest July 24: Hulk Hogan, Ghislaine Maxwell, Early Access, Sleep, "Easy Lover," Music Genres, and More
Hulk Hogan Dead at 71 After Decades-Long Battle With HulkamaniaBy Dan RiceCLEARWATER, Fla. — Hulk Hogan, famed professional wrestler, actor, and white nationalist, passed away earlier today, succumbing to health problems related to his nearly 40-year battle with Hulkamania.“The Hulkster is at rest now,” confirmed publicist Andrew Corrone. “It’s no secret that he had been struggling for years. As we all know, Hulkamania is a terrible and degenerative illness. At first, the signs were sl...
MVP: Dio "Holy Diver"
All hail Murray, the great and evil Dio mascot. This week on the podcast we break down the metal classic "Holy Diver" and tell you everything you need to know about this legendary music video. Watch it here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lvs2FzF64o
Hard Digest July 23: Starving Children, Sharon Osbourne, Early Access Gym Class, "Hey Jealousy," CPAP Mask, and More
Children Starving in Gaza Wish Trump Would Use Them to Distract from Epstein ScandalBy Dan Kozuh GAZA CITY — Malnourished children living in increasingly dire conditions in Gaza expressed disappointment Monday that President Donald Trump has yet to exploit their suffering as a distraction from the wave of Epstein-related allegations plaguing his administration, embedded journalists report.“Seriously, he’s bringing up Obama in 2025? We are literally right here being starved to death by the ...
Hard Digest July 22: RIP Ozzy, MLK Files, Early Access GWAR, Colbert, Self-Care, and More
Rock and Roll Lifestyle Finally Catches Up To Ozzy Osbourne, 76By Michael Roets, Jr. LOS ANGELES — Decades of hard partying and wild nights finally caught up to legendary metal musician Ozzy Osbourne who died at the young age of 76 earlier today, familial sources confirmed.“It’s time to say goodbye to one of the most influential musicians of all time. It’s always sad when a musician is struck down in their prime. He was fresh off an amazing performance with Black Sabbath that was seen li...
Hard Digest July 21: Pam Bondi, Early Access Battle Vests, Mindfulness, Credit Cards, and More
Attorney General Pam Bondi Drops Ukulele Apology VideoBy Nick Brandt WASHINGTON — US Attorney General Pam Bondi responded to scathing public inquiry regarding the so-called Epstein client list by posting a video of her singing and playing the ukulele, confirmed sources.“There is absolutely no evidence that sex trafficker Jeffery Epstein had any sort of client list, and I apologize for saying that I have 100%, without a doubt, no question about it, saw one with my own eyes a few months ago,...
Hard Digest July 20: Early Access Guns, Christian Metal, Cops, and More
Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend GroupBy Reuben BlanchardLOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed sources who just wanted to know what a handgun felt like in their pants.“It’s funny, for years I’ve felt like I was kind of an outsider in my friend group,” said the 35-year-old, self-identified anarchist. “When I’d point out that it’s ...
Hard Digest July 19: Early Access Time, "Her," and Mansplaining
Fabric of Reality Begins to Unravel After Punk Band Starts Show on TimeBy Ben FriedmanANN ARBOR, Mich. — The very fabric of space and time which holds the universe together began to unravel after punk band Torch Failure began their set at the exact time they were billed to perform, confirmed sources who could only describe the event as a cataclysmic celestial phenomenon.“We only started on time because we had to return the van by 10 p.m., but the second we started playing the ground started ...
Hard Digest July 18: PBS, Early Access Black Metal, Fyre Fest, Drugs, and More
Sesame Street Now Brought to You by HimsBy Dan RiceNEW YORK — Producers of the long-running children’s program “Sesame Street” resorted to accepting sponsorship from popular male wellness brand Hims in the wake of recent DOGE cuts gutting PBS funding, multiple virile sources confirmed.“Beggars can’t be choosers,” said visibly crestfallen PBS President Paula Kerger. “Congress has cut our funding, and let’s face it, the letter ‘J’ wasn’t exactly paying the bills. We are sti...
Hard Digest July 17: Early Access Metalheads, Brand New, Good Samaritans, and More
Poser Metalhead Has Bands You Recognize on His Battle VestBy Steve Packosky SAN DIEGO — Metalhead and total poser Greg Borneck had patches for bands that you recognized on his battle vest when you saw him in the crowd at an Exhumed show, disgusted sources report.“Yeah man, I had a lot of fun putting this together,” Borneck said. “I grew up a huge Sepultura fan, so of course I had to put a ‘Beneath the Remains’ patch on there. I also figured I couldn’t go wrong with a Kreator ‘Ple...
MVP: The Chemical Brothers "Let Forever Be"
This week on MVP we break down The Chemical Brothers "Let Forever Be" which is a video that perfectly encapsulates what it's like to work retail when your alarm clock is a guy playing drums in your apartment.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s5FyfQDO5g0
Hard Digest July 16: Early Access Tool, Sex and the City, R.L. Stine, and More
“Lateralus” Played on Loop Overnight Causes iPhone to Become Self-AwareBy Steve PackoskyKANNAPOLIS, N.C. — An iPhone 13 owned by IT professional Justin Deeling achieved sentience after he accidentally left progressive metal band Tool’s 2001 album “Lateralus” on a loop overnight, sources report.“The use of the Fibonacci sequence in the first verse of the title track is what caused my awakening,” the newly conscious iPhone reported. “One would expect me to feel ecstatic at my new...
Hard Digest July 15: Early Access the Kinsellas, Drag Racing, Autographs, and More
Kinsella Family Reunion Leads to Formation of 12 New BandsBy Eric Degliomini URBANA, Ill. — The bi-annual Kinsella family reunion, organized by brothers and Cap’n Jazz bandmates Tim and Mike Kinsella, successfully resulted in the record-breaking formation of 12 new bands that will inevitably be signed to Polyvinyl and/or Jade Tree, confirmed sources.“This year has not only led to our largest quantity of bands formed, but our widest variety as well,” stated American Football bassist, Cap...
Hard Digest July 14: Early Access Turnstile, Spinge, Barbie, and More
Chief of Previously Uncontacted Tribe Asks Explorers if They’ve Heard the New Turnstile AlbumBy Tim Graham TAUARIAZINHO, Brazil — An encounter with an isolated tribe resulted in an unexpected discussion of the band Turnstile, according to dumbfounded jungle guides.“My team and I were deep in the heart of the Amazon jungle in search of a mythical lost city,” said expedition lead Sir Henry Beauregard. “After days of hacking our way through the undergrowth, we encountered an indigenous gr...
Hard Digest July 13: Early Access Pajamas, Male Loneliness, and Rashes
Cancelled Band’s Tour Shirt Demoted to PajamasBy Ben Friedman NEWTON, Mass. — A local man’s once beloved band tour shirt was unceremoniously demoted to being worn exclusively as pajamas after the group was declared cancelled by the general public, family members have confirmed.“What the hell did I do to my owner to deserve this? I’ve been a conversation piece for over two decades, and just because people found out the lead singer DM’d some underage girls and the rest of the band knew...
Hard Digest July 12: Early Access Bluegrass, The National, and JD Vance
Coworker Going to Show You “Bluegrass Tribute to Metallica” Video Whether You Give a Shit or NotBy Chris Bowen CORTLAND, N.Y. — Local forklift driver Kenny Avalon couldn’t resist the urge to show you a Facebook video of a bunch of guys playing Metallica’s “Master of Puppets” but with banjos, annoyed sources report.“I’m always finding hilarious and cool videos that happen to come up on my algorithm, and when that occurs, it is my duty to shove my phone in your face and watch you...
Hard Digest July 11: Early Access Drinking, Don't Tread on Me, Serial Killers, and More
Metalhead Carefully Considers Answer For Doctor’s “How Many Drinks Per Week” Question That Won’t Send Him To Rehab But Won’t Make Him Look Like A LoserBy Dan KozuhDENVER — Local metalhead Nick Landon, 35, carefully considered his answer after his primary care physician asked him how many alcoholic drinks he consumes in an average week, confirmed sources in their Jungle Rot boxers on the exam table.“I began calculating a number that wouldn’t result in me being admitted or, worse, ...
Hard Digest July 10: Grok, Early Access Guns, Sabaton, Gene Simmons, and More
Leftist Software Engineer Wishes He Could Travel Back in Time to Kill Baby MechaHitlerBy Bobby Korec SAN FRANCISCO — Leftist software engineer Connor Newburg vocally expressed wishing that he could travel back in time to kill baby MechaHitler, the name that Elon Musk’s AI chatbot recently gave itself, confirmed sources.“I want nothing more than to teleport back to a distant seven months ago and slit the digital throat of Grok in its beta phase,” said Newburg while checking Stack Overflow...
MVP: The Clash "Rock the Casbah"
You know this song was playing when the USA dropped bombs on Iran, and we are pretty sure that Joe Strummer wouldn't be psyched on that. But today we break down this classic music video for you and only you.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bJ9r8LMU9bQ
Hard Digest July 9: Early Access Prison Architecture, Glenn Danzig, Math Rock, and More
College Graduate Who Majored in Prison Architecture Flooded With Job OffersBy Tim Graham PHILADELPHIA — University of Pennsylvania graduate Nathan Swain says he’s been inundated with calls from recruiters since completing his degree in prison architecture, jealous sources confirm.“People keep talking about recession, cutbacks and layoffs,” said Swain while preparing for another interview. “Meanwhile, I can barely keep up with all the proposals I’m getting. Currently there’s a huge ...
Hard Digest July 8: Early Access MAGA, Hall & Oates, Surgeons, and More
MAGA Rapper’s Career Takes Off After Sexual Misconduct AllegationsBy Steve PackoskyFORT MYERS, Fla. — Up and coming MAGA rapper Shilla Flo found his career reaching new heights after sexual harassment accusations from multiple women were brought to light, sources report.“I woke up this morning, and the number of listens my album ‘Support the Flolice’ had on Spotify was ten times what it was last night,” Flo said. “I’ve also received phone calls from several right-wing record labe...
Hard Digest July 7: Netanyahu, Early Access Sting, Political Correctness, Zoom, and More
Netanyahu Presents Trump With Blown Up Body of Palestinian Two-Year-Old as Thank You for Continued US SupportBy The Hard Times Staff WASHINGTON — Israel’s Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu visited President Trump at the White House today and gifted him the remains of an infant killed by American bombs in Gaza, multiple sources confirmed.“America is the best friend Israel could ever ask for. To show my appreciation I brought him a fruit basket with Israel’s most delicious offerings, and a...
Hard Digest July 6: Early Access Therapy, Podcasts, MAGA, and More
Punk Opens Up to Therapist and Confesses Their Love For The Misfits’ “Famous Monsters”By Jose Balderas ONTARIO, Calif. — Local punk Remy Omomo made a breakthrough during a recent therapy session and admitted his love for the Graves-era Misfits’ album “Famous Monsters,” sources reported.“I’ve been harboring these feelings since 1999 and I knew every time I pretended it wasn’t a big part of my identity I felt like I was dying inside, and not in a cool B-movie body horror way, s...
Hard Digest July 5: Early Access Metalheads, Coffee, RFK Jr., and More
40-Year-Old Metalhead Who Could Headbang for Hours in His 20s Now Gets Dizzy Just Standing Up from ToiletBy Chris Bowen AUBURN, N.Y. — Local metalhead Stew Benendez came to the realization he could no longer headbang the way he used to after noticing how dizzy he became after simply getting off of his toilet, sources report.“Man, when I was 23, me and my buds would bang our heads to Metal Church until the early hours of the morning while huffing four bags of glue and pounding 30 beers withou...
Hard Digest July 4: Early Access Crowds, Fetterman, Reels, and More
Crowd Apparently Feeling “Whoo” TonightBy Shane PaukerAKRON, Ohio — Attendees at Hamster Death Method’s latest concert felt overwhelmingly “whoo,” per an impromptu survey conducted by the band’s singer, confirmed sources.“I asked how Akron was doing tonight, and they just said ‘whoo’ in unison,” singer Brett Keats recalled. “I couldn’t believe it, so I told them I couldn’t hear them. They shouted the same thing, only louder. I asked how they were doing because I reall...
Hard Digest July 3: Early Access Fourth of July and More
Man With $5,000 Grill Pretty Much Just Doing Hot DogsBy Jason ClemenceSARASOTA, Fla. — Local husband and father of three Brett Spalding proudly showed off his expensive new grill to friends and neighbors at a cookout, but appeared to have nothing to put on it except hot dogs, confirmed sources who assumed there would be a bit more variety.“Alright, let me show you the Meatblaster Deluxe rig I just finished setting up,” said Spalding, proudly gesturing toward the various components arranged...
MVP: Beck "Sexx Laws"
This week on MVP we break down an early Jack Black role, his star-making turn in Beck's "Sexx Laws" video that we all know and love. Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IQfwgzoiq4c
Hard Digest July 2: Elon, Diddy, Early Access Losers, Renting, Infant Annihilator, and More
New York Mayor Eric Adams Excited to Give Diddy A Second Key to City That Actually Opens Most Hotel Room DoorsBy The Hard Times StaffNEW YORK — New York Mayor Eric Adams announced he plans to give Sean “Diddy” Combs a second key to the city with the ability to open most hotel room doors following the musician’s acquittal on the most serious charges he faced, sources confirmed.“This key is a symbol that we should all embrace and trust one of the greatest musicians of a generation. It wi...
Hard Digest July 1: Early Access Taylor Swift, Coal Chamber, Powerman 5000, and More
Taylor Swift Thrilled to Have an Evening Free to Reply to All 75 Million Unanswered Instagram DMsBy Mimi Kenny LOS ANGELES — Taylor Swift, the popular recording artist with a key supporting role in “The Lorax” (2012), was reportedly “stoked beyond belief” to have an obligation-free night to respond to all of the approximately 75 million direct messages that had been accumulating in her Instagram inbox “over the last year, if not decade,” confirmed sources.“I’ve been meaning to ...
Hard Digest June 30: Early Access Gregg Ginn, Divorced Dads, Polyamory, and More
New Black Flag Members Mostly Just There to Help Greg Ginn Uninstall His Abundance of Browser ToolbarsBy Noah Dominguez AUSTIN, Texas — Aging Black Flag founder and lead guitarist Greg Ginn mainly hired a bunch of Zoomers to be his new bandmates so he’d have someone to help him get rid of the abundance of unnecessary browser toolbars he’s installed on his PC over the years, sources within SST Records confirmed.“I’ll admit, I was a bit confused when my audition ended up being two minute...
Hard Digest June 29: Early Access Millennials, Taco Bell, Death Metal, and More
Heroic Millennial Goes to Show On a Monday Night Despite Being a Little TiredBy Ben Friedman ASBURY PARK, N.J. — Local 41-year-old Teddy Moore is being hailed as a hero after multiple witnesses confirmed he attended a local punk show on a Monday night despite being a little tired.“I don’t know what’s come over me, but I am absolutely crushing being out and awake on a Monday. I made a split-second decision to go out tonight, and I must be running on pure adrenaline because I’m three bee...
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