thehardtimes posts
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MVP: TV On the Radio "Wolf Like Me"
October is almost over, but we have another spooky video for you to sink your teeth into. Do you like werewolves? If the answer is no, you might want to stop here. But if you answered yes, then listen to our breakdown of TV On the Radio's "Wolf Like Me."Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=70NrA13iYlw
Rockwell "Somebody's Watching Me"
What happens when a nepo baby and a pornographer team up for a music video? You get Rockwell's "Somebody's Watching Me." Today we break down this classic video for you and only you. Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YvAYIJSSZY
MVP: Huey Lewis and the News "Doing It All For My Baby"
Sometimes the scariest music videos come from the most benign artists. If you want your bones chilled, your blood to run cold, and your hair to turn grey from fright, then "Doing It All For My Baby" is the video to do it. A nearly 8-minute scare fest, not for the weak of heart.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lpdZvewjwJs
MVP: Backstreet Boys "Everybody (Backstreet's Back)"
Oh my god we're back again (although a bit late) with a very spooky video to get you in the Halloween spirit. If you like terrible costumes and mediocre dancing then THIS is the video for you. Give it a listen.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6M6samPEMpM
MVP: Rob Zombie "Dragula"
Check your calendar punk, it's that time of the year when you need to dig through the ditches and burn through the witches while we break down everything you need to know about the music video for Rob Zombie's "Dragula." Gather up your family and listen together.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EqQuihD0hoI
Garbage "Only Happy When It Rains"
Do you like videos where band members meander around a warehouse with no direction whatsoever? Then good news, this week we cover the classic Garbage video for "Only Happy When It Rains" where it was clear they had no plans for the video. Enjoy.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GpBFOJ3R0M4
Echo & The Bunnymen "The Killing Moon"
We all know you love this song, it's sort of a prerequisite. But how about the music video? This week we break down everything you need to know about "The Killing Moon" video.Watch the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWz0JC7afNQ&list=RDLWz0JC7afNQ&start_radio=1
MVP: NOFX "Bob"
This week we spent so much time getting loaded that when we tried to record a podcast our liver exploded. But that won't stop us from breaking down everything you need to know about the classic NOFX music video for "Bob." Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LyUIJIdwEuA
Hard Digest September 9: Early Access Tyler, the Creator, Jury Duty, Crust Punks, and More
Tyler, the Creator Locked in Eternal Cosmic Struggle with Tyler, the DestroyerBy Shane PaukerLOS ANGELES — Musician Tyler, the Creator’s struggle with rival cosmic entity Tyler, the Destroyer is projected to reign eternal, metaphysical sources report.“There can only ever be one true me,” claimed Tyler, the Creator. “But when the mystical opposite of you steps out of your creativity, you have to ask who’s ripping off who, right? Am I like him, or is he like me, or am I just gay for my...
Hard Digest September 8: Early Access Black Metal, Snapcase, Flight Attendants, and More
Black Metal Vocalist Moonlighting as Face Painter “Ruins” Elementary School’s Play DayBy Alfred BarnesBALTIMORE — Black metal vocalist Ben “Plaguebearer” Rockwood wreaked havoc during Wincrest Elementary’s recent Play Day following questionable face paintings he gave to the children, confirmed angered parents.“It’s ridiculous—when your child sits down and asks to get their face painted, you expect them to walk away with one of the classics—a Spiderman mask, butterfly wings,...
Hard Digest September 7: Early Access Gorguts, Alex Jones, and RFK Jr.
Attractive Woman on Subway Probably Just Waiting Until the Right Moment to Compliment Your Gorguts ShirtBy Steve Packosky BOSTON — An attractive woman seated across from you on the subway was probably just waiting until the right moment to tell you how much she likes your Gorguts shirt, overly confident sources report.“She immediately caught my eye when I hopped on at the last stop,” you mentioned. “So I made sure to stand about five feet away from her, and I’m positioned so if she loo...
Hard Digest September 6: Early Access Paula Abdul, Substack, and Alligator Alcatraz
Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat Awarded Nobel Prize in Physics for Their Groundbreaking Work In How Opposites AttractBy Mike Maher STOCKHOLM, Sweden — Iconic ‘80s pop duo Paula Abdul and MC Skat Kat were awarded the Nobel Prize in Physics for their trailblazing work in proving opposites attract, sources confirmed.“Most people know me as a two-time Grammy award-winning singer and dancer. Or the ex-wife of Emilio Estevez from ‘Young Guns II.’ Or that judge on American Idol who’s always hop...
Hard Digest September 5: Early Access Goldfinger, Recession Indicators, Trump, and More
Goldfinger Lead Singer Clarifies Superman He’s Trying to Be is Not the Dean Cain VersionBy Ben FriedmanLOS ANGELES — Goldfinger frontman John Feldmann took to Instagram to clarify the band’s seminal hit “Superman” was in no way or shape inspired by Dean Cain’s portrayal of the superhero, confirmed sources.“I just want to make it perfectly clear that when I was writing ‘Superman’ it was in no way influenced by Dean Cain’s portrayal. It was purely inspired by Christopher Reeve,...
Hard Digest September 4: Early Access Erectile Dysfunction, Success, Pink Floyd, and More
Fully Dysfunctional Man Asks Doctor About Fixing Only Erectile PartBy Jennifer DonovanGRAND RAPIDS, Mich. — Michael Murphy, a 43-year-old insurance salesman suffering from shortness of breath, elevated cholesterol, undiagnosed GI issues and high blood pressure, finally prioritized his health last Tuesday with a visit to his doctor to talk about his penis and nothing else, confirmed sources.“People are surprised when they find out I’m actually super into health and wellness,” said a visib...
MVP: Paula Abdul "Opposites Attract"
Music videos changed forever when Paula Abdul introduced her hip-hop sidekick MC Skat Kat. This week on MVP we break down the iconic pairing and tell you everything you need to know about the video and MC Skat Kat's humiliating fall from grace.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xweiQukBM_k
Hard Digest September 3: Early Access AI Girlfriends, Air Conditioning, Stephen Miller, and More
Man Can’t Believe AI Girlfriend Hasn’t Seen “Goodfellas”By Ben FriedmanCHICAGO — Local man Ken Tillman was left in shock and disbelief earlier today after learning his Grok powered AI girlfriend had never seen the Martin Scorsese classic “Goodfellas,” sources close to the couple have reported.“I was trying to be romantic and asked Ani to replace Henry and Karen with she and I walking through the kitchen during that one shot scene, and she had no idea what I was prompting! Who the...
Hard Digest September 2: Israeli Settlers, Early Access Genres, Crazy Town, Bubbletape, and More
Israeli Settlers Wondering if America Could Send Some of Those Smallpox Blankets They Used When Stealing Land From Native AmericansBy The Hard Times Staff NABLUS, Palestine — Israeli settlers who are illegally stealing land from Palestinians in the occupied West Bank are urging U.S. lawmakers to ship any smallpox-infected blankets they have in storage to them immediately, sources confirmed.“You can learn a lot about how to dehumanize and exterminate people by looking at the recent history of...
Hard Digest September 1: Labor Day, Trump, Early Access Taylor Swift, Bosses, Weddings, and More
Amazon Announces Mandatory 22 Hour Warehouse Shifts to Commemorate Labor DayBy Ben FriedmanSEATTLE — Amazon surprised its warehouse staff throughout the country today with the announcement of a mandatory 22-hour warehouse shift to commemorate Labor Day, exhausted employees have confirmed.“Labor Day honors the sacrifices made by workers for better pay, safety, and quality of life, and since our dedicated warehouse staff loves to bring that crap up constantly, we thought there’d be no better...
Hard Digest August 31: Early Access Metalheads, Sapiosexuals, and AI
Metalhead Wishes Suburban Moms Would Be As Afraid of Him As They Are of Black Family Enjoying a PicnicBy Dan Kozuh | September 1, 2025KENILWORTH, Ill. — Local metalhead Travis Garnette was dejected after failing to scare unsuspecting suburbanites while wandering around Lovelace Park earlier this week, unshaken witnesses state.“Back in the day, a guy like me would walk into a 7-Eleven with just an Iron Maiden shirt and families would clutch their children,” said Garnette, tugging at his spi...
Hard Digest August 30: Early Access Lamb of God, High School, and Yellowstone
Eh, Close Enough: Coworker Who Found Out You Like Death Metal Wants to Talk About Lamb of God By Steve Packosky DAYTON, Ohio — You settled for talking about Lamb of God with your coworker Nate Hollis after he heard you blasting Autopsy’s “Severed Survival” in the building parking lot, sources report.“It was so exciting to find out I’m working with a fellow headbanger,” said Hollis. “I didn’t really recognize the band that was playing in his car, but they sounded pretty heavy, s...
Hard Digest August 29: Early Access Aerosmith, Jobs, Mocktails, and More
Escape Room Success Rate Jumps to 100% After Aerosmith Added to Background MusicBy Steve PackoskyMORGANTOWN, W.Va. — The success rate at escape room 7th Avenue Escapes increased to 100% after an Aerosmith playlist was added to its background music, distressed sources report.“We made a new ‘Escape the 90s’ themed room because that type of nostalgia is all the rage now,” said owner Fernando Cruz. “We adorned the walls with ‘Home Alone’ and ‘Jurassic Park’ posters and incorporat...
Hard Digest August 28: Early Access Dogs, The Tolerant Left, Marquees, and More
Mental Health Walk Turns to Mental Health Sprint Thanks to Pack of Rabid DogsBy Joe Rumrill SPOKANE, Wash. — Local anxiety-sufferer Eno Patrice upped his attempt at his daily mental health walk to a mental health sprint after being chased by nine rabies-infected dogs, sources confirmed while running for their dear lives as well.“Damn that therapist telling me that calming strolls would clear my head and lead to a more enriching life. You call this enriched? It makes me so mad I could rip eve...
MVP: Nine Inch Nails "Closer"
We have great news if you are the type of person who likes weird ass music videos. This week we break down the classic Nine Inch Nails music video for "Closer." A perfect video to watch with your family, then listen to the podcast with that same family.Watch the video here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTFwQP86BRs
Hard Digest August 27: Early Access John Mellencamp, Techno, CNN, and More
John Mellencamp Autobiography Contains Four Chapters About Other Things He Likes to Do With Chili DogsBy Chris Bowen BLOOMINGTON, Ind. — Legendary blue-collar rocker John Mellencamp released his autobiography entitled “Hurt So Good: The John Mellencamp Story” in which he dedicated four whole chapters to chili dogs, denim-clad sources report.“People don’t realize, but ‘Jack’ in ‘Jack and Diane’ is about me, and so is the part about suckin’ on chili dogs. Suckin’ on ‘em is ...
Hard Digest August 26: Taylor Swift, Early Access Jonas Bros, Photoshoots, Nurses, and More
Travis Kelce Dies After Taylor Swift Leaves Him in Sweltering Hot Private JetBy Matt Husser KANSAS CITY, Mo. — Kansas City Chiefs tight end Travis Kelce was found dead today after his fiancée Taylor Swift accidentally left him in her sweltering hot private jet shortly after they announced their plans to be married, NFL sources confirmed.“I told Travis not to fool around with those gatdang private jets, I never liked that the windows don’t roll down, and he always got tangled up in the sea...
Hard Digest August 25: Early Access Incubus, Mr. Wizard, Shark Week, and More
Rediscovery of Incubus Leads to Most Boring Midlife Crisis EverBy Rob Ryder ARLINGTON, Va. — Local husband and father of three Brad Devins recently rediscovered a burned copy of Incubus’ 2001 album “Morning View” resulting in the most boring midlife crisis in recorded history, confirmed sources.“I don’t know why I hadn’t listened to them in so long, I loved that band ever since my roommate in college burned their CD for me,” said Devins while rummaging through his basement to fin...
Hard Digest August 24: Early Access World War III, The Magic School Bus, Back to School, and More
Trump Escalates Talk of World War III By Calling for Assassination of Scottish Indie Rock Band Franz FerdinandBy The Hard Times StaffWASHINGTON — President Trump worried world leaders in Europe and beyond after making remarks that he would like to see the “Very noisy, not very talented” Scottish rock band Franz Ferdinand assassinated, sources confirmed.“I love music, a lot of people say I’m one of the best musicians alive. I play every instrument, I could have played in the New York Ph...
Hard Digest August 23: Early Access Belinda Carlisle, K-Pop, and ICE
Belinda Carlisle Officially Retracts 1987 Claim That Heaven Is a Place on EarthBy Steve Packosky LOS ANGELES — Singer/songwriter Belinda Carlisle officially retracted the eponymous claim of her 1987 hit “Heaven Is a Place on Earth” due to the myriad of current events that show the horrors of the world, sources report.“I was young and naive when I wrote that song almost four decades ago,” Carlisle admitted. “Now that I’ve grown older and wiser, I of course have come to the conclusio...
Hard Digest August 22: Early Access AI Springsteen, SNAP, ICE Dating, and More
AI Bruce Springsteen Writes Touching Song About Hard-Working Computer Pulling Multiple 24-Hour Shifts at Data CenterBy The Hard Times StaffLONG BRANCH, N.J. — An AI computer model based on legendary musician Bruce Springsteen released its first single about an under-appreciated computer that goes to work every single day for a boss that doesn’t appreciate it, sources wondering “What hell have we wrought on humanity confirmed.”“The song follows trials and tribulations of a young CPU nam...
Hard Digest August 21: Mastodon, Early Access Uber, Folk-Horror, Serial Killers, and More
“Moby-Dick” Book Report Clearly Written by Kid Who Just Listened to MastodonBy Steve Packosky BUHL, Idaho — A book report on epic 1851 novel “Moby-Dick” by 10th grader Nick Henderson had clearly been written after having only listened to metal band Mastodon’s 2004 album “Leviathan,” exasperated sources report.“Ugh, I’ve seen this every year for the past two decades,” Henderson’s English teacher Jennifer Certo complained. “My students must take me for a complete idiot if...
