PATRIARCH FOWL
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Casual Heroing, Chapter 100
🕑 Added 2023-04-27 17:45:18 +0000 UTCRead-y Link (Mobile Optimized Reader)
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Chapter 100 - Date Night, Part 6
“I would have never thought I’d be kissing a Human,” Irene says as her dark eyes look deeply into mine.
“I never thought it would take me this long before I kissed an Elf,” I reply with a cheeky grin.
Irene takes on a scowl, but I see in how the corners of her mouth are raised that it’s pure posturing. She hammers my close chest with her hand, but there’s no malice behind it.
In fact, as I lean forward, we kiss again.
Irene’s lips taste like wine and fresh fruit—which, I have to admit, is quite surprising considering the massive burgers we just ate. But most importantly, as she moves her hand behind my neck to lean more into the kiss, I immediately feel the confidence of an adult woman.
She is no overgrown child.
I have dated extremely immature girls in the past, and let me tell you, it’s exhausting beyond what you could imagine. While I don’t mind spoiling my woman, I also don’t feel like I should care for her like a parent.
“You are absolutely gorgeous,” I pant, still on the ground.
She smiles at me, moving her hand to caress my face, lightly touching the stubble below my cheekbones.
“You are precious, Human,” she says with a hint of tension in her voice. “Joey… you…”
She bites her lower lip and falls silent. After a moment, she swallows and sits up.
Feeling a sudden moat between us, I resist the urge to take her between my arms. I simply sit up and look at her. When she gives me no clear signals of what’s happening behind the scenes, I get up and extend a hand.
As I lift her, she avoids my gaze.
Something’s up; I think to myself as I free the table from the food.
When I move the plates closer to the stovetop, I finally hear her speak.
“You are kind and skilled, Joey. I—tell me, please, what do you see on this branch?” She gestures between us.
Hm.
Having second thoughts?
Hm.
“A great woman I’d like to spend more time with, Irene,” I add emphasis to her name. “I like you and your ways. You make me a little uncomfortable but in a good way. It keeps me on my toes, you know?”
“Joey, I cannot move from Amorium. Not now. Maybe never.”
She lets her words hang in the air.
“I like the place; not a problem,” I say with a shrug.
“Don’t you think you’ll be moving on to do greater things? I am not a great judge of magic, but what you just did seems like something that might get you through the admissions to the Nine Towers Academy.”
“So? I am really not interested in becoming a full-time [Mage] or whatnot. I told you I’m not the type to try too hard.”
“You are not?” Irene erupts into a laugh. “You just cooked with truffles that had to be stolen from the Valerii forest, something that might actually get you whipped—all because you wanted to impress me? You used a spell I have never seen before to dispel some bad smells. And I have worked in a kitchen all my life. There’s no way you could have learned something like that without trying hard.”
“Well…” I try replying with a counterargument, but what she just said makes a lot of sense, doesn’t it?
“You have no cooking-related classes, you say, but your food is beyond what a [Chef] could do. You say you learn magic as a… what word did you use? You know what? It doesn’t matter. My ears are not that green, Joey.”
“Irene,” I say with my eyebrows locked together, “I know what I want for my life. I know it very well, and I’ve always known it. I want to be a simple Baker who makes some money to have a nice family with the woman I love. Have children and settle down. That’s it.”
“And what do you look for in such a woman?” She quips back.
Is this our first fight? Jesus, it could have waited at least a little longer.
I step forward, though, with the weight of fifteen years of knowing what I want on my shoulders. Before she can step back, I take her hands in mine.
“I want a kind woman who looks after the people she loves, Irene. I want a woman I can look up to every time I wake up in the morning and when I lay down in bed at night.”
“Are you saying you got all of that from a couple of hours together?”
This time, it’s my turn to laugh.
“Someone’s a bit green behind their ears,” I say, using one of the most common Elven sayings I know. “I don’t know much of who you are. I know I like all that I have seen so far. Let’s just spend more time together. I won’t do anything improper; I promise. But I do want to know if this might be what each of us is looking for.”
I feel Irene’s previously tight hands relax into mine. The way she looks at me lets me know that my words have gotten to her.
“And another thing I’m looking for in a partner, by the way, is someone who will make me find out something about me that I don’t already know. Someone who’ll bring the best out of me.” I smile sweetly before feeling like the situation needs some levity. “Damn, I really wish you had read some love fiction. I’m spitting some fire lines here.”
Irene shrugs and keeps staring into my eyes. She has a fiery intensity to her – sort of like when a grizzly bear plays with you, but it could also maul you at any second if it wanted to.
“One question,” she says.
“Shoot.”
“Is it true that you are terrified of bureaucracy? I heard this gossip.”
“Oh,” I actually blush a little. “Yes? Like, not terrified… it’s… complicated? I just can’t do paperwork? It gives me mad anxiety. Why?”
“Do you know how many documents you’ll have to sign if you want to marry an Elf legally?” Irene snorts. “But let’s not jump on that branch before it can bear the weight.”
“All these forest references are getting wild,” I lament, “but sure. I’ll drink some anti-anxiety potion when the time comes. Hell, maybe I’ll be able to figure out a spell to cure that part of my brain that causes that stuff.”
“Anyway,” I continue, “how about I pack the burgers for your family, and then I walk you back?”
Irene nods.
As I turn to get some wooden containers, though, she adds something unexpected.
“And about doing something improper, Joey, I wouldn’t dismiss that too fast.”
OOF.
I contort for a second on the spot, and my heart rate goes sky-high.
“Sure,” I say, with my throat twisted into knots. “Sounds great.”
…
When I open the door to my apartment, the brute [Guard] Antoninus almost falls inside.
“What the—”
“Oh, Joey!” The massive [Guard], as wide as my door frame, stumbles back up. “Is it time?”
“Antoninus, what the hell were you doing?” I ask, scandalized.
“Just checking if everything was alright. Watch’s protocol.”
I turn to Irene to see if she actually believes the gossiping brute, but she just giggles.
“Women first,” I say, keeping the door open and glaring daggers at the [Guard] as Irene walks out.
“I can give you a hand with the paperwork for marriage,” Antoninus whispers to me as I suddenly wish I had Clodia’s strength to choke this idiot unconscious.
I give one last look at my apartment as Antoninus scampers downstairs. Specifically, I glance at the book that had kept me company before Irene arrived.
I kinda am tryharding; I shake my head. Am I lying to myself?
Before I can delve any deeper into my thoughts, I slam the door closed and make my way to the entrance of the apartment complex.
…
“So, will you tell Camilla that you have done good work tonight?” I ask Irene.
Antoninus and Lucillus are walking about ten yards behind us, making sure we are safe. Honestly, you’d be surprised how well-lit Amorium is at night. Everyone craps on [Light Mages], but I’m seeing a bunch of [Light]-like enchantments all over the place.
“I’ll tell her that some work was done.”
“Laying the groundwork is essential for the future,” I nod with a laugh. "And by the way,” I fish a small wooden box from my bag of holding, “we got sidetracked at the end. I meant to give this to you.”
Irene looks at me quizzically before taking and opening the wooden box. Inside it, she finds roughly twelve chocolates.
“What’s the best way to end a date if not by giving some Pigfeed to your crush, huh?”
Irene frowns and picks up one of the chocolates to give it a sniff.
“That one is filled with softer, orange-infused chocolate. We have been mad busy with bread, so I have yet to scale up the production at Happy Bakery. However, I thought you would have enjoyed some, and I got them done on work time.”
Irene bites off half of the chocolate, her eyes immediately going wide.
“Fuck,” she swears as she slowly chews to savor it.
She gives me a look of disbelief and then stares at the wooden box again.
“If you want to reverse-engineer them, feel free to do so,” I smile. “It won’t be easy, but you are bound to do that eventually. I don’t want to put The Three Roses out of business, you know. Competition is the basis of capitalism.”
I imagine the American flag swirling in the background as I say those words.
“Camilla’s going to think I sold myself to get this.”
“Is that bad?” I ask curiously.
“She might try to promote me above her sister,” Irene laughs, putting the half-bitten chocolate back in the box and closing it. “This is… too good. Is it a Human recipe?”
“Nah. It’s a Joey recipe.”
Technically speaking, an Earth recipe. But I need to score more points with her.
Comments
Paratus
I like them because I feel they show how organic odd cultural sayings can be, but then again I live in the south and get to hear things like: * That boy's about half a bubble off plumb, God love him. * That dog'll hunt. * With my luck, it could be raining titties and I’d still look up and catch a dick
5951Otaku
I usually just think that the translation magic is making the idiom to something the user would understand. But I do like when authors create their own idioms for their world that makes sense, like here with the forest idioms.
Fowl
Can you elaborate?
Jason Markus
Ok. So I have been thinking about this for a while now. While not all of your plant idioms are top notch they are generally pretty good. I hate it when anachronistic idioms get used by people who would never have heard them before.
