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DITW 12-4: Verglas
🕑 Added 2023-11-11 15:00:07 +0000 UTCJosh called on Saturday morning and she asked him if he felt any better.
“A little,” he said.
It was good to hear his voice, and, though she probably imagined it, he sounded lighter. “Are you coming home?”
“Soon.”
“This afternoon?”
Now he sounded harassed. “I don’t know, Kimmy. I need more time.”
The stress in his voice conjured the bad images again. Devlin showing him manufactured spreadsheets and photos and concocting a story worse than the truth, smiling the whole time as Josh fell for it because Josh wanted the worst. Craved the worst.
It was pointless, though, wasn’t it? The truth was bad enough for Josh to hate her for a lifetime.
She changed the subject, eager to portray her night of innocent and dutiful leisure. “We took Sophie skating last night.”
“You and Hyun?”
“Yeah. God, Sophie’s so cute. She has little pink and white skates.”
“That is cute,” Josh said, and lovely hope bloomed. Josh was too good to abandon her.
“She’s so good for her age,” she said, watching her fingers nervously pluck at the bulky weave of her warm house-sweater. Josh asked what arena they went to, how many kids were in the class, and it felt so good to have him on her line, loving the tension, hoping she had the skill and dexterity to bring him onto her boat. He asked about Hyun, and she responded with keen camaraderie, telling him how they went out for hot chocolate after skating, then browsed the book aisles at Chapters, pointing out how Sophie is reading about four years above her age bracket. She left out the parts that were uncomfortable. The times alone with Hyun, not knowing what to say, watching Sophie pulling down books and flipping through them. Even though it had been awkward, it was still better than being alone in the apartment. Hyun had asked her if it was okay for her to be drinking while she was pregnant, and she’d shrugged and said it was early on and it was just a glass and a half, and her mother had drank wine when she was pregnant with both girls. But her mother hadn’t done that. Not that she knew of. The truth was darker than that, and she’d rather not have the truth anywhere near where she or anyone else could see it.
“I better get going,” Josh said, bringing the amber glow to a close.
“Okay.”
Josh went quiet, and she let him feel uncomfortable. Silence might show him how unfair he was treating her. He said, “I’m going to go have lunch with Meyer.”
“You’re not staying at Meyer’s?”
“Kimmy... I told you... Look, it doesn’t matter where I am. It’s not a big deal, just please stop asking me.”
“Okay,” she said, resigned. “I won’t ask.”
“It’s not a big deal, but I just... You know? Okay. . . . Okay, I gotta get going.”
“All right, Josh. I’ll let you go.”
More quiet, then he said, “I’ll talk to you later.”
“Josh?”
“Yeah?”
“I miss you.”
#
One o’clock lunch at the Durham Centre, killing time before a 3:30 movie. They ate at the Burgers On Fleek. Josh ordered the dark meat chicken burger with fries, and Meyer ordered a classic hamburger with sweet potato fries. Josh tested out Meyer’s sweet potato fries and Meyer regarded him like Josh had delivered an incredible indignity, snatching them without asking.
Josh laughed, chewed the fries, shrugging and mouthing, “What?” Challenging Meyer, gesturing to his own plain ol’ regular fries, offering them up like they were nothing, and Meyer was being a selfish baby.
Meyer selected three similar-sized plain fries from Josh’s plate and dropped them on his own; a fair hostage negotiation Josh couldn’t complain about.
Meyer prompted him. “Anyway, you were saying...?”
Josh spread out his napkin on his lap and took a sip of the fountain Coke before answering. “It was like I sent her there. I sent her past the gates of hell.”
Meyer rolled his eyes, sipping his root beer. “It’s not the gates of hell.”
“You know what I mean. Listen, it was... I don’t know. . . . Exciting.”
“What was?”
“Having your wife find the value she’d always looked for. The acknowledgment. It did great things for her. And, she... transformed.”
“I saw it.”
“And, like, it felt amazing to know she was my wife. Do you know what I mean? Like she could walk into boardrooms with Chinese billionaires or whatever and hold the line. And she was my wife. It was Kimmy. It felt amazing to see her in that world. It brought out something in her.”
“Like a demon.”
He steadied a look of comical disdain at his cousin, but the remark did sting.
Meyer smirked. “What? I’m sticking with the gates of hell thing you started.”
“She’s not a demon.” He stabbed some french fries and went to shovel them in his mouth, then paused. “Maybe she is. She was my demon.”
Meyer chuckled but then his features shrank into lines of concern. “Isn’t she anymore?”
“No, she is. I love her more than anything. I just feel like I’ve been pushed aside. Like I’m not part of that world, and she is, and I’m diminished.”
“Like she left you behind?”
“Sure.”
“You’re doing great, though, Josh. What about them sending you to Rome?”
“I know. I know I am. The only reason is I’m competitive with Kimmy.”
“You bring out the best and the worst in each other.”
Josh paused for a second, brow lowering. “Wow. Did you ever hit a bullseye.”
Meyer laughed and showed pride for his astute scrutiny. They both laughed and took a break, eating in silence while the busy restaurant moved around them.
Meyer wiped his mouth and shrugged. “If that’s it, though, Josh, I don’t know what to say. It doesn’t sound good.”
“How so?”
“It sounds like resentment. On your part.”
“It’s not that. It’s more than that.”
Meyer shook his head like he was exasperated. “It’s this Devlin guy. I know it is. If you were honest about it, maybe we could talk for real.”
“Of course it’s this Devlin guy, Meyer.”
Meyer was adamant this time, gesturing with an angry hand toward josh, saying, “Is something going on or not? Between him and Kimmy.”
#
Curled up in Sophie’s bed, Josh trembled in awful suppurating, suffering in inescapable sickness. Kimmy’s sweet voice whispered in his mind’s ear: “I miss you.”
What more could he want to hear?
But if he returned home, she would torture him. She would torture him and he would love it. What the hell had happened to their relationship; how had such an enormous power imbalance occurred?
His greatest fear was that if he uttered to his cousin the admission of Kimmy’s infidelity there would be no return. Not a return to the sanctity of his marriage, not to some semblance of a normal familial relationship. He feared he could never return to the dark pleasure her infidelity delivered.
Why did such horror draw him?
Once he made the claim that something had happened between Devlin and Kimmy, no one who cared for him would tolerate anything but Kimmy’s absolute condemnation. How would Meyer ever understand how it came to be, without the revelation that Josh had been a party to it?
Sometimes he could imagine the warmth and comfort that support from his cousin—from his family—might bring. To have rallied support around him in his time of need. It would soothe him. Console him. But consoling was merely consolation. It was defeat. If he surrendered to the comfort of a familial embrace, wasn’t he a coward? Wasn’t he afraid to stand on his own two feet and confront the monster of his own creation? Because that’s what it was. His situation was an electrified golem construct of his own desire. He could pretend that the desire had been sown in his soil by nefarious forces. Some conspiracy, a murder of dark crows working against him in furtive shadows. Plotting his demise for their own pleasure. Amy. Devlin. Amy and Kimmy together. Kimmy and Devlin. All three of them. All three of them like a council of witches around their coven’s table, torturing a woodland stick-figure bound with magical twine; his own vulnerable effigy. It didn’t matter who’d sown it; he’d reaped it.
When his mind wasn’t lost at sea, when he wasn’t alone on a rickety life raft in foggy uncharted waters, he was sometimes the roiling sea itself, crashing and roaring in primordial, maritime rage. Revenge twisted his skin. Evil thoughts of destruction; a malevolent desire to return the venom the coven’s ceremonial dagger delivered when they sliced his skin.
#
Sleeplessness led her on this witless quest. One in the morning, sitting in the Leaf, parked outside the ritzy apartment building in North Toronto where she would sometimes have met Devlin for a lunchtime fuck. Sitting like her own hapless husband had, peering up at darkened apartment windows, looking for...
Looking for what?
What was it Josh had searched for, parked outside Hyun’s building? What did he want to see? What did he want not to see? Where they the same thing?
While she hated the thought of Josh’s silhuoette passing the light of Devlin’s window, she would also love to see Josh’s profile in Devlin’s window. Josh coming to the window to look out in wounded reverie at the city skyline, lost in thought. It would be worth it because it would bring this travesty to a rapid close. It would be worth it because she could unleash the hatred she held for the man who’d concocted this scenario. Even though it was made of flames she’d stoked herself.
Then she was out of the car and crossing the parking lot, heels clicking on the spotless pavement, shining wet in the cold night. She’d worn heels; she’d worn lingerie and a suit. Some sort of ritual that felt right when she was coming to this devil’s domain. But she was here unequivocally for Josh.
The visitor’s lot was only half full. No Qashqai.
Instead of the lobby, she turned left at the doors and headed across the walkway that took her to the parking garage’s side door. On her key ring, she found the lobby key—the same key that would open the front door would open this one, too. Once inside the short passageway beyond the outer door, she opened the inner and walked the florescent-lit line of the parking garage’s visitor lineup. Three empty spots, five cars in the rest. One Qashqai.
A Qashqai in black.
Not Josh.
She rolled her eyes. It was insane to think he was here in the first place.
She shook her head and gritted her teeth.
No, it wasn’t insane. It was a possibility. A slim and unlikely one, but a possibility just the same. And one that would have destructive consequences.
Josh had to be at Meyer’s. He had to be.
Maybe Josh and Devlin went out for dinner together and they took the Qashqai.
Yeah, right. Like Devlin would be caught dead in that sensible car.
Then what?
She could walk down to the next level and see if Devlin’s car was parked in his spot.
And if it wasn’t?
Devlin was in Kingston and Josh was at Meyer’s.
Was that correct?
She looked up to the ceiling with it’s sprinkler system and gray-painted columns. Or she could go up and knock on Devlin’s door and find out for sure. She smoothed her hands on her suit jacket. At least she’d dressed for the part.
Comments
Bill F Protagoras
... CONTROL.
Bill F Protagoras
like a bacchante hungry for flesh... because Josh is afraid he will lose her... or already has. Lets not forget fear is contagious... so maybe this is why Kimmy is trying so hard to convince herself she is strong. Also she may be overestimating how much Devlin needs... or even wants her... and she may have an inkling that the clock is ticking on her Dionysian endorphin charged dalliance with Devlin! In fact, her feral orgiastic writhing on the boss's totem pole seemed to signify loss of
Bill F Protagoras
Many fine insights... still I think you... like most give too much credit for her ability to control Josh... she is a good manipulator, but manipulation is the antithesis of control. Josh has been controlling himself through his habit of giving the woman he loves the benefit of the doubt even though he has had enough evidence to convince him that that very same woman is rutting with her/ his demon lover
L_S87
It's funny because you never really see that through most of the series because Kimmy was in pole position. She controlled everything as it relates to Josh. We got a glimpse of it in her desperation when she went to Rome to chase Josh down, but it was never this poignant because Josh gave in rather quickly. Now we've had a weeks worth of him standing firm (on the outside at least) and Kimmy is so brittle emotionally that she's a hairs beadth from falling apart. To the point that mirroring Josh's obsessive behaviors seem logical, or at least close enough that she can easily talk herself into it. This chapter shows just how badly she needs, not wants, but needs him. For different reasons than Josh needs her, but you've done an amazing job of taking two sides of the same coin. Different faces, but the same unhealthy obsession underneath. Makes you wonder why she cheated in the first place, given her current reactions, but we all know everyone takes what they think they'll have forever for granted. Kimmy thought she could punish Josh with her fling for not giving her the child she wanted... Now she realizes the child she actually might have means so much less if she doesn't have him to share it with. Thus her near fanatical obsession with finding him and bringing him back.
KT Morrison
And, of course, Dudley Do-Right for the Canadians! https://youtu.be/FXrj-96tz6k?si=ULjqLg99FsvJSekt
KT Morrison
It wasn't a mistake, but on reflection I see it too easily construed as a mistake. I thought I should clarify (ambiguously, of course). Is it: Without Josh, there would be no life? Or is it: I would endanger all around me to bring him back? Josh, after all, appears as a savior at times...
KT Morrison
I didn't know it, and I love to hear it! This is the kind of philosophy that races the heart.
Bill F Protagoras
To be honest I'm conflicted.
Bill F Protagoras
Maybe it's Kimmy's recent icy coldness towards Devlin...like a thin layer of ice on a rock prone to brittleness and melting... some sort of wicked menacing metaphor KT has planted... so she can proceed to disturb and rouse up simple innocent souls like me... God forfend
Bill F Protagoras
To be honest I'm conflicted.
Bill F Protagoras
Or maybe it's Kimmy's recent icy coldness toward Devlin... thin and brittle like ice over rock, and prone to melt... the sort of thing a wicked author might plant to disturb the sensitive and innocent soul of a reader... a menacing ellipsis... to be filled with all sorts of treacherous filthy high jinx... God forfend!
Tracey52
Verglas-a thin coating of ice or frozen rain on an exposed surface. Do we think this pertains to the thin coating separating Josh from the truth, or something else?
Bill F Protagoras
I just investigated and discovered that Heraclitus, one of my favourite presocratics, said that "character is for a man his daimon" and Kimmy has plenty of character, but the treacherous slug Plato seems to equate the daimon as a sort of proto soul, which also increases the irony of Josh's assertion that Kimmy was his demon... I thought it might interest you, KT, if you don't already know it.
Tracey52
You know it is possible that KT resolved this issue after the comments following the previous chapter?
Bill F Protagoras
Things usually get worse before they get better... and often as not they don't get better. That's when stoicism comes in handy...
Tracey52
The drinking issue was no error, but I’m not sure what the dark truth means? Probably like you said, she fears or believes it’s Devlin’s and shows her hate to Devlin by mistreating his unborn child. If true, that’s really dark.
Andrew Mellein
I always thought there would be an eventual threesome reunion between Devlin, Amy, and Kimmy. At this point bad Kimmy would go for it! The good Kimmy no longer exists if she truly ever did!
L_S87
Oh, wow. That would be awesome! Also bad, because I feel like Kimmy would get ultra competitive in a heart beat, even though she knows she shouldn't, even though she hates Devlin, I still think she'd go there. Love this idea!
Andrew Mellein
The wine issue was resolved and it wasn't a mistake on KT's part! Kimmy gives no shits about her future child! Almost like she wants a miscarriage. It also finally heavily implies what many debated that the child is Devlin's. I think Josh wants Kimmy to be a bad "hotwife" but someone they can both confide in and be truthful with. But Kimmy has already broken that trust and with a man Josh hates! I hope we dont get a scene where Josh is enjoying Kimmy doing the deed with Devlin! I dont think it would be realistic after all the torment Devlin put him through over the years! But will there be a scene of Kimmy with Devlin while Josh watches but not happy about. Its possible! So we will see where the characters go!
Bill F Protagoras
Thanks... I think! Just joshing ...
L_S87
Its interesting to see how utterly conflicted both of them are, if for wildly different reasons, both brought on by this sordid scenario they've created. I feel like Josh is waiting for a sign, a reason to capitulate and go back to Kimmy, but with some assurance that things will be different. Not *too* different. He still wants her to be that demon Meyer speaks of, but a more measured one. A demon he can trust. Which is the biggest issue here. He needs her love, craves her domination, but not the crazy levels of torture she has inflicted in the past. He needs moderation. Something Kimmy can't provide. She just doesn't have it in her. That final scene shows it, because she *knows* she shouldn't go see Devlin, but she will. And I'm pretty sure it's not going to end well, because Devlin will find a way to draw Josh into it and torment him with it. Because Josh hates the lies Kimmy tells, but he hates the fact they are with Devlin even more.
Bill F Protagoras
At last you take the dropper squeezing out the murky maternal drop into the waters, is it a sinister ingredient, or a mysterious catalyst? Maybe I should consult Lamont Cranston or Oedipa Maas? What vulpine truth would Kimmy want to keep at bay... even from herself? Anyone's thumbs pricking? It never rains but it pours...
Glaucon
Kimmy walking in on Amy and Devlin together in the apartment?
Donkatsu
Thanks, KT, even better than Saturday morning cartoons! Possibly, but only possibly, excluding Rocky and Bullwinkle. What can happen that will disabuse Josh of his misperception of his own importance in Kimmy's behavior? Is there anything short of thermonuclear annihilation of his psyche that will work? He needs to find an equilibrium or he will be destroyed. Kimmy is not helping. She views the situation in a utilitarian manner - what does she need to say to keep him on the reservation, not what is best for Josh and for them as a couple. And what is behind Door 2?
Andrew Mellein
I am excited and also dreading the next chapter! I thought Josh needed space from Kimmy? He can’t help himself🤣🤣Do readers think we will be getting the Kimmy, Devlin hook up with Josh watching in the next couple of chapters or not? It’s getting good 👍
Andrew Mellein
Thanks KT! Nice way to start the morning!
