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DITW 14-12: Odyssey 7
🕑 Added 2024-04-30 19:15:50 +0000 UTCFor what seemed the hundredth time, Kimmy asked Hyun, “Why wouldn’t he call me?”
The “he” in question being Hyun’s ex-husband and Josh’s cousin Meyer. Why wouldn’t Meyer contact her? Why would he contact Hyun?
Josh was in the hospital. Josh had fallen in a lake somewhere up north and somehow had almost drowned and also was suffering from hypothermia. Who the fuck had been looking out for him? Who the fuck cared about him?
Kimmy and Hyun and Sophie were in the Leaf doing about a hundred and twenty east on the 401, headed out east to bum-fuck country where some assholes lead her husband to his drinking demise. With no one telling her, she knew Josh had imbibed too much and somehow ended up in the frigid water.
Fucking three months ago, he’d chugged most of a bottle of fine bourbon and left her alone with Devlin Stone. He was his own worst enemy. Always had been.
“And he’s not awake?”
Hyun said, “Kimmy, he’s going to be okay,” then looked into the backseat with that telltale expression of worry. Sophie was in the backseat. Yes, don’t frighten Sophie. She understood. But in not frightening Sophie, there were truths she was missing. Was Josh okay? Was he not awake or was he awake? If Meyer had texted her instead of Hyun, she wouldn’t have to rely on this filter of the messaging.
Hyun said it again, face turned, to include Sophie in the message. “He fell into the lake and he was rescued. He wasn’t coherent, and they warmed him, but out of an abundance of caution, they sent him to the ER in Peterborough—”
“Yeah, but who are they? Who is this they? Who was he with?”
“He was with Meyer. Some of his friends from work. Karina was there.” Hyun paused, then said, “And Meyer’s new girlfriend.”
“And who is she?”
Behind them, Sophie said, “Quinn.”
Kimmy took her eyes off the road for a moment to regard Sophie in the back, buckled into her big girl kid’s chair. “You know her? You’ve met her?”
Hyun said, “You’ve met her, too.”
“I did?” Kimmy recollected now a new woman with Meyer, some kind of friendship happening over the summer. “Okay,” she said. The information was slow in coming, and every time she heard something new, it was like starting all over again. So, Josh and Meyer went up north to have a good time, and Josh’s friends were invited, but she wasn’t. That fucking hurt so bad. And no one looked out for Josh? “How did he end up in the water?”
Hyun said she didn’t know. “It was this morning, Meyer said.”
“They were up all night?”
“I don’t know. Maybe.”
There were all these questions and no answers, and she was going to go crazy before they got to Peterborough. There were so many hefty thoughts crashing against her retaining wall right now. Her lovely man, hurt and endangered, pushed into an unexpected ordeal just when he’d faced his limit . . . and then off on the distant horizon, the threat of steeper waves thrashed her way, whipped into a frenzy under charcoal skies fattened by stormy rains. Things like how Josh could have ended up in the water, things she dared not even think about. Things like how sorrow proved too much for Josh Waters to bear. There were evil truths she didn’t want to face. She’d done awful things to the man she married. Awful things to a kind and considerate human, a man stronger than he even knew. But Josh’s strength could only bear so much, couldn’t it? Josh’s resilience was a webwork of scar tissue. The outside world had beaten him and he’d healed over and over for many years, creating a sturdy barrier to injury thicker than most. But it wasn’t impenetrable. And no one could cause more harm than the ones you showed your secrets to.
Kimmy squeezed the steering wheel, gritting her teeth. “I want to know how he ended up in the water.”
“Meyer says they don’t know how it happened.”
She shook her head and gritted her teeth harder. “I’m going to own that bitch’s cottage by the time this is over.”
Then she closed her eyes for a moment. There was no easier escape than an adversary. No better avoidance than turning the tables and going on the offense. But this morning the game clock had run out, and it was harder and harder to shield herself from the thrusting knives she sought to avoid.
You did this. This is you. You put Josh in the water. Josh tried to escape using the only path you’d left him after all the terror you caused.
The gritting teeth slackened their grip and began to chatter. Her jaw trembled, and she had to wipe her eyes. She sniffled, squeezing her eyes against tears. “How cold is the water right now?”
Hyun stared out the window. “I don’t know, Kimmy. It’s freezing.”
*
On a cold and rainy-gray Saturday morning, Kimmy and Hyun and Sophie crossed from the hospital parking to the entrance of the Peterborough Hospital’s emergency department. An assemblage of familiar and unfamiliar faces greeted them in the quiet ER. The divide struck her hard. A congregation of somber-faced white people facing three Asian women. She’d never felt like an outsider before in her life, but a cultural, historical estrangement she’d never felt before slapped her in the face this morning. The expressions on the gathered faces weren’t ones of relief, seeing Josh’s wife arrive to comfort Josh, they were pale faces blooming with the blush of blame and reproach, and her knees weakened, feeling discovered and exposed, and her mind racing to imagine all the truths Josh could have told them, all the wicked things his evil wife had done to such an innocent, undeserving man. For the first time in months, wickedness didn’t rile some forbidden spirit in her, some impish demon that reveled in the maddening pleasure of sexual domination. This morning she froze, her interior frosting with the wet, dreadful wind sweeping across the waiting room’s confine. No charm or reliable resolve saved her; no lies danced on her tongue. She couldn’t even smile. Her heart galloped faster and faster, like it raced headlong to its cliff-side doom. Her shoes remained pinned to the scuffed linoleum, afraid to move closer, afraid they would seek revenge. Hyun looked back to see why Kimmy had stopped, and still Kimmy couldn’t smile. All those faces turned their way. Meyer, Karina, Steve, some girl she didn’t recognize, and the one named Quinn, who now that Kimmy saw her, she remembered. No one smiled or waved. Guilt washed up from Kimmy’s pinned feet like a sickly sheath, crawling up her back and over her shoulders. She felt sick to her stomach, and her cheeks blazed hot as a stovetop.
Josh had told them. Josh had told them all what his wife had done. Josh had told them how his wife cheated on him, and how she’d slept with her boss, and how her boss had ruined Josh’s youth, had bullied Josh, and how she’d betrayed Josh, and lied and lied and lied, and how Josh had watched his wife have sex with his high school bully in a hotel room in Yorkville—all to fuel his wife’s hungry furnace of a sex drive.
At last Steve raised a hand and nodded to her, and Meyer rose to greet them. Karina turned away. The two other girls stayed seated, heads bowed. A glimmer of hope shone in this dismal tableau vivant; what she’d thought was reproach could be guilt; their somber expressions could describe not blame, but shame over their failure to protect her husband from harm. They bowed their heads to avoid the menace of the righteous and faithful wife whose husband they’d neglected. But then Karina walked away, following the direction in which she’d turned, heading down the hall and through a set of double doors. The cold returned, and with it the hard and racing pulse that had her head swooning once more.
Meyer greeted Hyun, taking her hand a moment. He looked her way then, eyes troubled, camouflaging the hate he might hold for his beloved cousin’s traitorous wife. Then Meyer stooped, hugged his daughter and stood up with her, Sophie clinging to her daddy. Meyer told her, “Josh, is fine, okay, baby? He’s going to be okay.”
Sophie nodded, a stoic little girl, patient to let matters play out so she could understand, polite enough not to buffet her father with a barrage of childish questions. Watching, waiting, learning. One corner of Kimmy’s mouth turned up in the attempt at a smile, proud and envious of what Hyun and Meyer had created. And bereft. Her hand went to her stomach, thumbing below her navel.
Hyun said, “What happened, Meyer?”
“We don’t really know. Karina found him. They were in bed together“—then to Kimmy, weary, saying, “Not like that, not in bed together. She went in to make sure he was okay. They were in their clothes. Then she woke up, and he wasn’t there and she looked for him and she couldn’t find him. She called out, and some of us got up, but Karina found him before we were down there. He was in the lake. On the shore, but, you know, unconscious.”
“How long had he been in the water?”
Meyer shrugged, unsmiling, eyes hooded, enfeebled. “Quinn’s a nurse. So’s her friend Emily. They said like no more than half an hour. I don’t even know how he got in there. He . . . They cut him out of his wet clothes, brought him up to the fire and dried him and warmed him and everything, but he was still, like...”
“We’re so lucky they were there,” Hyun said. She looked Kimmy’s way and showed a small smile that made Kimmy believe it was encouraging or instructive; a reminder that she should show gratitude. And now she felt guilty for the ire in the car on the way here, making claims of vengeance and punishment.
Kimmy didn’t smile, but she said, “Everyone was asleep?”
“Yeah, we had all gone to bed. Karina helped Josh to his bunkie and then stayed with him because Steve was staying up later with the rest of us.”
Kimmy said, “You guys were having a party.”
Meyer nodded, his mouth turned down in a way that showed he harbored no guilt for not inviting her.
“I guess he drank too much,” she said, and Meyer nodded. She added, “That made the hypothermia worse, didn’t it?”
“You can ask the doctor when he comes out. We’re all waiting here. He was here fifteen minutes ago, said Josh was doing good. Quinn probably saved him. Quinn and Emily. They airlifted him here to—”
Kimmy put a palm on her forehead. “Airlifted him? Are you serious?”
“We were up north. Far. There are only so many hospitals. The ambulance came and took him, but they wanted to warm his blood and they couldn’t do that in the ambulance. They took him wherever, and, uh, he came to Peterborough in a helicopter. The rest of us came down in my truck.”
There was nothing for her to say. Nothing for her to ask anymore. Nothing to add or subtract, no point in fighting and no urge to ingratiate. She felt emptied and distant and all alone. Meyer held Sophie. Hyun and Meyer were close. They’d been a family once, but now they weren’t. Sophie wasn’t hers. Hyun wasn’t really hers, either. Not so she could share their affection and consolation before others. The only person in the world that mattered was all alone in an emergency bed, having his blood warmed so he wouldn’t die. She had nothing of her own. No one. No one trusted her. No one should. Betrayal had elevated so much of her desire to mountainous heights, and while the view was nice at first, the oxygen was thin.
Josh beached on a frigid lake shore, and no one claimed to know how he ended up in the water. But she knew why. It was his wicked wife who had put him there, and everyone in this room was just afraid to say it to her face.
Comments
Bill F Protagoras
KT Morrison writes the books she wants to write... she has stated this more than once... if she decides to use another version of the book under another name it's fine by me. It sickens me that KT doesn't receive the recognition she deserves in a general market bulging at the seams with 'best selling' mediocrity, but I for one cherish 'KT Morrison' and if 'she' stops writing she has already created a treasure trove that I can revisit like a miser. I won't be ashamed. I know what you say is full of admiration and well-intentioned, but the history of the novel is full of works who readers and editors believed should be sanitized and tightened up. Read the history of Under the Volcano by Malcolm Lowry in Wikipedia... a brilliant book which has probably never been a best seller... I have read it three times... It was Gabriel Garcia Marquez's professed favourite novel. The Lost Weekend by Charles R. Jackson was a best seller and an Oscar winning sanitized film... it was well written but not a work of the calibre of Lowry's... or KT's.
Bill F Protagoras
As we discover Kimmy's assessment of what confronts her in this instalment, and how she feels others judge her, and what everyone else reckons her liability is for Josh's precarious condition... it appears her Unity of Opposites is coming apart at the seams. She constantly switches tracks. A far from ideal moment to be juggling so many other balls whilst dealing with what threatens to become 'another' overwhelming personal trauma. In the limbo of a hospital waiting room, where so many have fretted while in transit to each dreaded or vainly desired next contingency. Where families and friends wait paralysed by the fear to rest... as if that would be tantamount to tempting fate. The fate of that which they had complacently taken for granted! The fate of one who SHE had 'presumptuously' taken for granted during this crucial time of THEIR lives. A cock is crowing.
L_S87
I like that take. Because I think you're right. I don't think Kimmy knows herself. She wants everything. So how does Kimmy react when she gets punched in the face with the fact she can't have that? I think she'd choose Josh, but that only works if Josh chooses her. Far from a sure thing at this point. Some of this will be decided by unknowns that we can't know yet, like who's baby it is or how Stone Sr. chooses to react to Kimmys gambit. Hopefully next chapter gives us at least a slice of Josh's view. Though I kind of would like to have Kimmy's POV when she sees Josh for the first time to know what's going through her head, especially if Josh hasn't been released yet and is stuck in a hospital bed. I think she only survives this mostly intact if she convinces Josh to fight out of this predicament with her. That's going to be a tough sell.
RCH
Good insight Bill, I agree that she peaked when she came with Devlin in front of Josh. It's been all down hill from that point.
CSH
Hmmm. Maybe kimmy and Hyun will find them and give Josh a surprise party.
JL23
I personally admit I really have no idea what Kimmy is thinking regarding her relationship with Hyun, so I'm going to refrain from any more speculation on it. It varies a bit wildly from chapter to chapter. Sometimes Hyun is clearly just a substitute Josh for her, and when Josh moves back to the forefront of her mind she becomes an afterthought. But sometimes she truly does seem to think there could be some kind of relationship, either with or without Josh. I don't think I know what's real, cause I'm not sure Kimmy knows either.
L_S87
Though we never get her POV, I wonder how this makes Hyun feel? She expended a decent amount of effort to discredit Josh and prop her own position up. Not in a mean way, but certainly somewhat underhanded. She clearly wants pole position in Kimmy's life, even if she's unwilling, at this point, to make everything public. Not that this is 100% her fault. She's been sold a load of goods that is wildly inaccurate due to Kimmy's inaccurate and dishonest portrayal of events, so she thinks something of Josh, and his actions, that isn't actually founded on truth. So I wonder how she feels seeing Kimmy act this way. Compassion? Jealousy? While Kimmy would be heartbroken if something happened to Hyun, would she act like this? Hyun almost doesn't exist for Kimmy at this point, she's so hyper focused on Josh. Does this make Hyun realize she'll never be *that* person for Kimmy? Does Kimmy confess to Josh about Hyun, wanting everything out in the open because she fears losing Josh? How does Hyun react to that?
Bill F Protagoras
She has been making it hard to love her on the odd occasion recently, but we've muddled through. The fact that she's been so closed off and fucking enigmatic has helped. I'm not one of those who get off on hating people. When I hate I drop the intangible, invisible but impenetrable shutters. It's very rare and eventually wanes. Except for the rich and the powerful and bosses, many bosses have rued the day they have made me and my workmates suffer. There's nothing that annoys them liking having to do some work themselves, and having their 'cunning' plans thwarted. When they gave us their human resource management plan I was the only person to read it all the way through... There I go again sorry, C. It's amazing how KT manages to just get better and better, innit! And fuck guns... I wanna know where Chekhov's strap-ons are carefully nesting.
Bill F Protagoras
Well, RC... My theory is her manic state peaked when she fucked my ole pal the Devster under Josh's nose... Live! It also seemed to serve as a trigger to her irrational attempt at explaining herself to Josh... We've all seen how well that worked out!
CSH
All fun and illuminating points. On Josh, you’re right, i think, out of order rather than permanently broken, but lets see what KT does with him. I think the logical path is for Kimmy to back off a bit and go easy on the guy. Show him some compassion. She seems inclined to that at this point. Josh could go either way in his attitude. Either he has realized he needs to set some rules of his own, or he will be so embarrassed by his half assed adventure that he is even more under the thumb of his loving wife. I’m a kimmy fan. Or was, till some of the latest stuff which was a bit over the top. Id like her to get what she wants and suspect that is her and Josh still together, absent Devlin, but in a very different relationship. But id really like this to return to the core eroticism of the story. Verisimilitude is great but in real life most such stories end in everyone being miserable.
Bill F Protagoras
Oh, KT! I loved the two final paragraphs... I am, however, shocked there was no furore about Kimmy being driven to taking her own life... Also Kimmy's two plaints about Meyer not contacting her as 'Josh's person' or inviting her to the wingding serve to remind us of how little time has actually passed... as well as covering a multitude of other sins.
Bill F Protagoras
Right C, we can't always get what we want. In fact, it may be we never get what we want. Could be similar. Could be better. Could be worse. Josh and Kimmy are only 27ish... They and the adversary seem to be going through some kind of delayed adolescence. Rites of passage are no longer imposed by society they are flung together ad hoc by circumstances or sudden inspiration. Most people like to think they make decisions about their lives... but we only get to choose between the circumstances that are largely beyond our control... but we can make some decisions once we're in our seat on Mr Toad's wild ride. We can't change circumstances, but the narrative... the Logos, our 'daimons' are a different matter... but I just got up... did you notice a little girl in a hospital... new theories will occur to me, and you... PS Who knows what a normal relationship is? Do you ever get that feeling of déjà vu? Life/Nature is, in a metaphorical way both a wave and a particle phenomenon. It is only by rousing it, examining it, that we can tell if S's pussy has been poisoned or not. PPS Josh doesn't seem like the suicidal type to me... more the periodically get blind drunk and piss himself and do something half-assed type! Just when I thought Mircea Eliade's Myth of the Eternal Return was out of fashion. My theory is Josh isn't broken... just temporarily 'Out of Order for Repairs or Maintenance!' We'll see! Not broken, but needs a break!
Pete
Chris, the intent of my post was primarily to simply admit that my dislike of Josh is indeed an over-reaction; a hyperbolic response to how he left Kimmy. And that that hyperbolic response of mine may be due to wounds from my own unique life experiences. You're right that my dislike of him is unfair. My post was an attempt to explain why. Now, you're last sentence can be taken different ways, and I read it as suggesting that abandonment is never weaponized. I disagree, and perhaps the best way to explain why is to share my own story: My experience occurred when I was a child of 4, it involved a parent, and over the course of years, and was a disciplinary attempt on their part to correct such identified misbehaviors as "being smart" or not using the right "tone" when I spoke. The pattern was this: A mysterious (to me) error on my part, the "silent treatment" and the complete withdrawal of any gentle kind of communication, touch, or attention for 3 days by my parent, followed by yelling, angry slamming of kitchen cabinets, and scolding on the 4th day. Then immediately rinse and repeat over the next 3 years. Not simply a few times a year. I do mean continuously. Non-stop. With perhaps a day or two of normalcy between rounds. You say that "for every person that feels abandoned, another feels they have a reason to leave." I suppose my mother did feel she had reasons (to repeatedly emotionally leave like that); and I HAVE come to forgive her. But, IMO, she was weaponizing abandonment, or weaponizing my love and attachment to her. Her intent was very clearly to punish by emotional (not physical) abandonment. It was how she fought with others, so I did see it repeated many times with others over the years, and to me it was an effort to punish and control. As I grew up and recognized that....I became very, very angry about it. So, when I read that chapter, the way it's presented, it didn't land for me the way it seems to have landed for you. I was reminded of that childhood treatment. It may not identically parallel, but for me it didn't need to; it was similar enough. When I read of Kimmy coming home to evidence of Josh being gone... Of him not leaving any note. Of him not even sending a short text. Of him refusing to even acknowledge receipt of Kimmy's texts asking if he was OK. Of him turning off "Find My Phone." That behavior, those choices by Josh, sounded to me like someone trying punish another like my mother did. Someone intending to hurt another by weaponizing love. And.... it raised an anger in me. Perhaps unfairly.
Bill F Protagoras
She needs to realize SHE isn't invincible. Josh is not some basket case. Nor is he stupid, unless he is very drunk which is hardly unusual. Why is recognising faults or weaknesses in others so comforting?
Bill F Protagoras
She IS just human. The whole hell and devils schtick is a carefully chosen literary conceit. Selfishness is merely one of many survival skills, people are gregarious and adaptable also. Being manic adversely affects judgement and stability. Some times things are not how they seem and we may have to revise our theories. Survival is the bottom line not an ideal situation.
CSH
I would say that some react to a trauma and loss by rebellion against what brought it on. “I didnt want that anyway!” Sort of reaction. It can lead you to question all your life choices. If kimmy’s pregnancy had gone to term and she and Josh had kids they would have likely been fine. It was the combination, i suspect, of the miscarriage with the need to then examine her current circumstances that brought kimmy to rebel from her quiet life with Josh. And, wow, she sure rebelled, and likely lost all she previously valued. Josh is a broken man. Kimmy is likely permanently sexually warped as well. I dont think Josh or Kimmy can have a normal relationship again. But at least Josh’s being in danger might bring kimmy back to a rational reevaluation of her priorities. I expect that is where we are headed. I have no clue how that will turn out, but the genre defining stereotypical cuckold fantasy Kimmy sold to Devlin will likely need some revision, to say the least. It wont do for the cuckolded house husband to off himself in despair. There are children to raise after all. ( But dammit, i was kind of rooting for Kimmy to actually get that ending - dont care about Devlin - but would like to see Kimmy still cuck Josh. Oh, well.) I like the observation made by others that though Kimmy professes not to care what others think of her and Joshs behavior, she is tight lipped to all except Hyun, whom she lies to and seduces. Meanwhile Josh, who is mortified that others might know, blabs to everyone that he let his wife fuck her boss. These two really deserve each other. I hope KT keeps them together.
Bill F Protagoras
My point exactly, we all know the pregnant pause... and the uses it is put to... so how does it work... I would ask for clarification... unless I knew what was meant. We also use 'like' as we use 'er' as a pause to find the right word, and as a reader I would like to know what is wrong with Josh... because it might suggest what Karina is up to. Amongst other things. I think two nurses could make an informed guess if not a confident diagnosis. The way to defuse a situation is not to act furtive or withholding. Nothing can be more unsettling than stimulating the imagination at a critical juncture.
JL23
Yeah, I personally read that as Meyer just not wanting to describe that Josh was in serious danger. He may not have known the exact words to describe it anyway, it was probably seeing how Quinn and her friend reacted to the situation as nurses. He probably wasn't clinically dead, but in really bad shape and Quinn would have immediately realized they needed more help.
L_S87
The way I read that, because of the comma, was "but he was still" pause.."like".... He was dead? Which is what I think was going through Meyers head, but he wasn't going to say that to Kimmy because she's clearly on the edge of flipping out. Which, in retrospect, is probably a good thing. Nothing has been a wake up call for her. She acts invincible. Josh isn't. She needs to realize that.
RCH
Reading through all your comments Kimmy is just human, very human. While she starts off as a mousy/bookish HS student and grows into an adult and lawyer she still was timid and the miscarriage rocked her deeply. Some women can feel loss and shame in losing a pregnancy. Failure is also a possible emotion too. She is sitting at the bottom of a well of depressing and is suddenly catapulted high out of the well sailing through the air like Super Kimmy! Well she just came back to earth with a couple of bounces and a skid to a stop. You could almost say she was on a manic high from the reunion till now. She was so high she could justify any and all her actions: "She was right even when she was wrong!" Selfishness is a survival skill. Kimmy is going to survive first and foremost.
Kat
I agree. This is such an engaging and addictive story.
Bill F Protagoras
"The only person in the world that mattered was all alone in an emergency bed, having his blood warmed so he wouldn’t die." "Bereft."
RCH
At some point there will be a chapter called "Day of Reckoning"! Good story! If you sanitized it a bit and tightened it up a bit this could go main stream as a novel.
Bill F Protagoras
"But this morning the game clock had run out," Another great sui generis metaphor of which the former is the ironic poignant crowning glory, considering whose new insight it represents... KT!
Bill F Protagoras
"They cut him out of his wet clothes, brought him up to the fire and dried him and warmed him and everything, but he was still, like...” He was still like... what?
Bill F Protagoras
All generalizations are invidious...
Bill F Protagoras
Constantly KT gives us clues in plain sight... but they far too frequently pass unheeded or inadvertently... Is it because people only see 'the adversarial devil' in the details not the divinely meticulous nature of the writing? Indeed the meticulous character of all writing worth its salt... and this work is peculiarly salty as fuck in all important senses.
Bill F Protagoras
Kimmy's worry about the opinion of others seems to point away from her being a sociopath at the very least!
Bill F Protagoras
One of the most important themes of this work as you not so long ago made a point in making, KT... is change!
Bill F Protagoras
I'm going to have to arm myself with patience and keep my own counsel! And just enjoy the denouement you offer, KT. Because as I mentioned to you last chapter your previous work has earned my trust and and profound admiration... and the superb well-wrought subtlety of this instalment only confirms... nay... increases my confidence in you... "What the art?" WB. Ey, Tyger?
Bill F Protagoras
So what point do you imagine I was making by quoting it... or do you mean to imply that Kimmy starts getting wet and sticky later on in the chapter. I just thought it was a significant comment about a thing that might have important future relevance!
Donkatsu
I think she knows.
Bill F Protagoras
Ironically, when/if Josh wakes up he will probably blame himself for his impromptu early morning dip in freezing cold water. So apparently they will all be to blame!
Bill F Protagoras
KT I admire how you have made most of this chapter into a vision of how much Josh's misadventure is forcing Kimmy to re-examine herself, her blame and shame... by making her more aware of Josh's centrality in her life and appreciating him more without stretching our credulity. It seems to me that most of the narrative at its harshest and most condemnatory is a reflection of her thought and feelings about her own behaviour not authorial censure. It seems sort of Catch 22 to use her recognition of her own culpability and shortcomings in order to accuse her of selfishness and egotism. Cogito ergo sum ! "You did this. This is you. You put Josh in the water. Josh tried to escape using the only path you’d left him after all the terror you caused." Can this plausibly be construed as Kimmy boasting or gloating?
Bill F Protagoras
Tell KT... also if you know who the real Kimmy is you know much more than I do.
Donkatsu
Only temporarily, the real Kimmy comes roaring back after those reflective moments.
Donkatsu
"Games and lies are death at this point." Correct, L_S, but what else does she have to offer him now? Does she remember making Josh cool his, um, heels in Cayman while she was driving Devlin back to his room? Josh certainly does. KT has not even let the other ball drop - Devlin's apartment and Kimmy's mid-day dildo encounter. Josh seems to have some idea about that. There is certainly more, for sure.
Bill F Protagoras
For those who impugn Kimmy's self awareness... "Then she closed her eyes for a moment. There was no easier escape than an adversary. No better avoidance than turning the tables and going on the offense. But this morning the game clock had run out, and it was harder and harder to shield herself from the thrusting knives she sought to avoid." On the other hand, all the people waiting for news are given the benefit of the doubt and are thinking solely about Josh's recovery... probably those "Caucasian" genes. Probably none of them have even noticed that the recent arrivals are "Asian", "women" or "children." Certainly no judgemental thoughts about cheating and women who make a living through sex have popped their unprepossessing heads up. I mean people can't have a mixture of thoughts and feelings, can they?
Chris K
So, being cheated on, lied to, degraded, humiliated, cuckolded and over all mind fucked for months doesn't award him to step out for a few days to clear his head? Josh is a man who can't control his emotions and leaving for a bit is what you call a punishment for Kimmy? And for what you say he's deserved so far, just remember that what he knows about anything is just the tip of the iceberg to what is really going on in his life. For every person that feels abandoned, another feels they had a reason to leave...
Bill F Protagoras
ERROR "where some assholes lead." The past tense of lead is 'led'... also the past participle eg he has led... He has lead means something totally different. Of course, what would I know? Or Webster? Or that trivial work the Oxford Dictionary?
L_S87
Yeah, that last question may play a prominent role in why they told Hyun but not Kimmy. And may be why Karina walked out. If Josh has said he doesn't want her to know, Karina may be letting him know she's here anyway. Or, as you said, that could simply be a cold shoulder because she's pissed at Kimmy. The fact that she's SO worried about everyone knowing should tell her how awful her actions have been and the need for moderation. But, it also shows her selfishness that Josh is in a fucking hospital bed having been airlifted and she's not clamoring to see him first thing, instead she's fact finding. Although to be fair to her, she knows her place was precarious with Josh, and some of that may be reticence to push to see him only to be rejected. How embarrassing would that be for a doctor to tell her she's not allowed to see her husband because he doesn't want her there, and to have that happen in front of all these people. Even if they don't know "the truth", that would be demeaning and painful. Ultimately, I don't think Josh will do that to her. But, how she approaches him here is going to determine a lot. Maybe everything. She can't go in there blaming him or acting nonchalant. She needs her heart on her sleeve or Josh may have zero interest. This may open him back up to her, this ordeal, but only if she puts the right foot forward. Games and lies are death at this point.
Pete
In this tale, it really surprises me how much more vitriol there is toward Kimmy than I personally feel. But on reflection, maybe that depends in part on our personal histories. For example, I lost a LOT of affection for Josh when he appeared to punish her by going AWOL. I guess you could say that "triggered" me. In my own life, I've suffered greatly by some of those close to me intentionally weaponizing their affection and abandoning me in an effort to hurt or punish me. So, that coupled with me knowing this is a cuckold tale; it didn't bother me much at all that Josh was being cuckolded. And the sequence of events didn't much matter to me: In my eyes, I could easily get on board with Josh 'deserving' what he got. So, I can imagine that the reverse might be true for other readers: Since they may not share my wounds, and may have different ones, they might have been completely unaffected by Josh's behavior, while being deeply upset by Kimmy's. TL;DR Maybe how we react to this chapter (and DITW) is in part a product of our own, unique, life history.
Kat
Lol
Bill F Protagoras
"She’d done awful things to the man she married. Awful things to a kind and considerate human, a man stronger than he even knew. But Josh’s strength could only bear so much, couldn’t it? Josh’s resilience was a webwork of scar tissue. The outside world had beaten him and he’d healed over and over for many years, creating a sturdy barrier to injury thicker than most. But it wasn’t impenetrable. And no one could cause more harm than the ones you showed your secrets to." "And if my thoughts 'n' dreams could be seen They'd probably put my head in a guillotine."
JL23
I also found it notable that while Kimmy is constantly telling Josh to stop being a “coward,” to give into his desires, to not be constrained by the reactions of “normal” people, this is now the second time she reacted with a mixture of panic, horror, and dread at the thought of others finding out what she’s done. First her father and sister, now this group of people she mostly doesn’t know all that well. Do as I say and not as I do, right Kimmy?
Bill F Protagoras
A great piece of writing in which for the first time in a long time, it seems, we can understand what Kimmy is thinking... and she recognises her self imposed alienation, mounted on her "otherness." Her solitude... and the consequences of folding in upon herself. The disquiet of coherent solitude. The solitary pleasure of masturbating with another person's genitals. Or perhaps 'we' can't... Perhaps we have other fish to fry.
JL23
With Kimmy, it’s always complicated. She is still looking for an off-ramp to blame someone else (Josh, Meyer, Quinn) but at least she is cognizant of the fact she’s doing that to avoid blaming herself. Whatever caused Josh to fall into that lake - and to me I could read him in the last chapter as being despondent enough to try and end it, or just very disoriented and not aware of his surroundings - this feel like the pivotal moment for the marriage at least. For me, every chapter kind of just feels more like two people who can’t be the person the other wants them to be. I still think it’s more likely he didn’t tell them everything, but it’s also possible he did and they just find the story too wild to be believed. That’s a…complicated relationship to explain, even when sober, and maybe drunk Josh just rambled a whole bunch of word vomit that wouldn’t seem remotely possible to normies. I do think Karina is angry at Kimmy, she probably feels like Kimmy put her in a really bad position where she had to choose between friends. Again, it felt like she was friends with Kimmy at one point, but maybe that never really was the case. I’m not sure she was storming off to let Josh know that Kimmy was here or just storming out. Given his current state, I don’t know if they’d let anyone other than a spouse in to see him. Question is: does he want to see her?
Bill F Protagoras
"Sophie nodded, a stoic little girl, patient to let matters play out so she could understand, polite enough not to buffet her father with a barrage of childish questions. Watching, waiting, learning." The wisdom a little girl obtains in a hospital. Don't ask questions... Watch, wait, learn... like good girls oughta...
Bill F Protagoras
"For the first time in months, wickedness didn’t rile some forbidden spirit in her, some impish demon that reveled in the maddening pleasure of sexual domination."
Glaucon
Kimmy: https://media4.giphy.com/media/v1.Y2lkPTc5MGI3NjExOXA2ZmEwbXE4ejA0OGtveHJ6MTNkdXZrYTI2bWRsMWx4dmR4Y3BzcSZlcD12MV9pbnRlcm5hbF9naWZfYnlfaWQmY3Q9Zw/IxBSleBYnu0pASk0rY/giphy.gif
L_S87
Regardless of what may or may not have been said by Josh, everyone's somber for what happened, and they're not rushing to Kimmy because even if Josh said nothing, they all know why he's there, and that Kimmy holds some responsibility for the current state of affairs. Josh may not even want her there... so how else are they going to react? Karina's response, while not really telling us anything new, because she might know nothing extra beyond what was already revealed in prior chapters, but even that is enough for judgement. She's clearly found Kimmy lacking. I wouldn't be surprised if she thinks, even if the others don't, that this was a suicide attempt by Josh, and she places the blame squarely on Kimmy for that and wants nothing to do with her. Then again, she could just be going to tell Josh Kimmy is there to give him a chance to emotionally prepare. That's certainly what a good friend would do. It doesn't preclude her from being livid with Kimmy, but none of them may be as angry or disgusted as Kimmy thinks. They're just worried about Josh and how his moment of hurt may be compounded by his deceitful wife showing up. Good intentions or not.
L_S87
Damn, KT. Somehow you manage to say SO much, and yet hold back just enough tidbits that were left wondering. Yes, it can be frustrating, but I also love that about your writing. Very well written! As to Kimmy. I think she might finally get it. Maybe. Her wanting to blame Josh for being his own worst enemy has a tinge of truth, when it comes to drinking, but I think is mostly her anger wanting to blame someone, anyone else for what she knows is her fault. Her anger at Quinn and the others cements that. Plus I'm sure there's a healthy dose of helplessness in there for Josh being hurt and not being there to protect him. As much as she's easily the worst at causing him pain, she still also wants to protect him from everything else. And she wasn't there for this. While it doesn't come out in the dialogue, I wonder when she's going to pick up on the fact that the party was for Josh to cheer him up about how awful she's been. Then again, she's got a lot more on her mind. Which is where KT did such a great job here. Nothing anyone says gives away what Josh may or may not have said. Though their actions bely his internal torment that they don't care for him. If he did tell them something, they aren't treating him any differently. They still care. So it's hard to say how much Josh may have divulged. To me it doesn't make much sense for him to have said much because everyone finding out was such a great fear for him. It would go against his nature to spill everything. Giving the bare bones account, with the worry of Kimmy's pregnancy being Devlin's doing, that I could see. While Karina walking away is a hint, I don't think it's a telltale. She already knew Kimmy wasn't being a good wife or person. Her leaving to go be with Josh (I assume) could easily be her having made her own mind up, similar to Kimmy's conclusion, that Josh's near death experience is Kimmy's fault, and she wants nothing to do with Kimmy right now. Or, it could be they all know, and this public setting just isn't the place to have that argument. Which is why I grimace, yet applaud, KT's writing. All of that, and we're still not quite sure. I'm going to guess that Karina may be the key to unlocking how far that went. Josh would never say, Meyer and Quinn wouldn't want to embarrass Josh, but Karina may just love him enough, and be angry enough, to come down on Kimmy like a ton of bricks. Which may be just the extra umph that Kimmy needs to pull her head out of her ass and get this right.
Kat
I know, she’s unbelievable. To think the group at the hospital were acting cold because they were feeling guilty in front of her, instead of actual fear and sadness over their friend, is really something else. She needs to sit down and hang her head with worry along with them. She’s always on, always looking for an angle. She’s way more concerned about how this looks on her than what’s happening with her husband. She can’t spin any more lies this crew. She did this. This is all because of her. I wish she’d just own it, but I don’t think she’s capable of that kind of insight.
Glaucon
Like, how much better she feels when she thinks they might not blame her. "A glimmer of hope shone in this dismal tableau vivant; what she’d thought was reproach could be guilt; ... But then Karina walked away... The cold returned, and with it the hard and racing pulse that had her head swooning once more." This is not hope or relief about her hospital-bound husband, the "cold/hard and racing pulse" to her is connected to how this might affect how people treat HER.
Glaucon
Absolutely, Kat, re her relationship with responsibility. It's so telling to me how much she switches up internally when she thinks there might be a chance people don't blame her and she's just misinterpreting their guilt - showing even in this terrible situation how much she's focused on her own standing, her own social power. An echo of past incidents when she exhibited some guilt internally until she realized she'd gotten away with it and the guilt disappears and is replaced by glee.
Glaucon
There’s some good in seeing Kimmy finally taking the damage and pain she’s caused Josh seriously (maybe?), it’s just really sad that this is what it took.
Kat
Love this chapter. It was just was I needed today. I think time has come for Kimmy. She’s run out of options and lies to spin. Maybe the only one who would stand by her right now is Hyun, but that may change. It’s interesting in her internal dialogue, that she still isn’t definite in taking responsibility. They are 100% in this situation because of her. Her first impulse is to insult Josh, and say he’s his own worse enemy. Kimmy needs to look inside herself. She’s actually her own worse enemy. Of course she caused this, and everyone there knows it. She’s broken Josh. She got what she wanted, she’s wanted him broken enough so that she could mold him into what she wants. She wants him docile and agreeable. Well, here you go Kimmy. Your beloved is in a coma. I hope Josh gets better and has a chance to move on from this. This poor guy. Kimmy gets no more sympathy from me. She’s had so many chances, but each time she just does worse.
