lily_lxndr
patreon
September Production Diary: Phase Four
🕑 Added 2022-09-07 17:49:32 +0000 UTCI'm trying something new for this month's update: an intimate look into my creative process as I head into some new projects. If you just want info on the next video, skip ahead to the next section. :)
Fall 2022 - a new era
For a while, I've informally grouped my video catalog into a few loose "phases". I've changed my approach & mindset about this job a few times, and I think the videos reflect that.
- January to August 2021 was phase 1. I was releasing passion projects with no real unifying traits (beyond saying "transphobia exists"). It was fun, but unsustainable - each project took months, and people who liked my video on MOGAI had no reason to watch my video on a semi-obscure indie game.
- September to December 2021 was phase 2. I'd started getting a hang of things, and my release schedule was remarkably consistent for a while there - a new video 5 months in a row, Jesus! I was throwing everything at the wall and seeing what stuck, until the warm response to my video "Binary Trans Women" helped me understand what people want to see from me.
- January to August 2022 was phase 3. This year I found my niche and nailed down a reliable video formula (the Big Gender Essay). Every project has done well, so I've been able to get comfortable and enjoy the ride.
With the release of my trans youth & healthcare miniseries, and no deadlines approaching, I've had some time to reflect on my year to date. While I'm ultimately proud of everything I released in 2022, some things about my "Big Gender Essay" format are bothering me.
For one, it's gotten pretty repetitive. Most videos have examined the world through the lenses of truth and morality, and that means I ask the same questions about every issue I cover: "What is observably true?", "Who are the bad guys?" and so on... But those are pretty dry questions, and there are only a few ways to answer them. Even as I try to switch it up, my videos often hit the same beats.
Even if everything I say is true, even if my videos are morally good... this format doesn't make for the most enjoyable viewing!
Because most people use YouTube as background noise, right? They put an essay on while doing dishes or playing video games. It doesn't get all their focus. I ignored this reality for a while, because it kind of bummed me out, but that's worked against me: my recent videos are a bad fit for background listening, because they demand so much attention!
I think I've got to roll with this reality and make my work a little more digestible, make it well-suited to close listening or casual enjoyment. Like... Parasite? Radiohead? Jesus, okay, that's a high bar. But I have an inkling most people watch my videos because they like hanging out with me for half an hour, and I want those people to have a nice time. For every person who comments about my argument-building, three more just want to let me know my voice helps them relax!
Enjoyability has always mattered to me, but I want to make it a priority: who cares if my art is morally good, if it's also kind of a drag?
I see myself in the joyless morality-police approach to art discussion that's taken hold this decade. We don't value art intrinsically anymore; a piece is only worthwhile if it serves some noble moral end: a good book is any book with good representation; a good show is any show where the characters learn a lesson. Whether art is artful, whether it enriches your life, is a secondary concern if a concern at all.
This is the cultural landscape that gave us Brooklyn Nine-Nine, and I want no part in it.
I ended my last video by saying, “Talking about our pain is important, but if it’s all we do, I worry it affirms pain as our collective destiny”. This was partly a self-critique: my channel mostly addresses concerning trends and tries to reverse them. While that certainly needs doing, it's not all I want to do. Art has value beyond what it accomplishes in the real world, and there are better ways to gain ground than Posting, anyway.
This summer, I've sunk my teeth into some media that's thought-provoking without being didactic: Rebecca Solnit's book River of Shadows, the movie Synecdoche, New York, and Jonni Phillips' stop-motion odyssey The Final Exit of the Disciples of Ascensia (pictured above).
Each one reframes things I thought I had a handle on - the passage of time, creativity, mundane relationships - and makes them feel sacred. They've compelled me to step back and appreciate all the meaning that's out in the open for all to see, that doesn't require abstractions or 20-minute preambles. That you can think about or just feel. I loved these three works way before I understood them. I want my writing to do that for people.
With that in mind, I'm exploring some less instructional forms of storytelling. I want to focus on feeling, and leave things a little more open to interpretation.
This isn't a disavowal of educational content - far from it! I still want to make insightful, politically aware videos. I'm not selling out or going mainstream (not that I'd even know how). Instead, I'm shifting my approach so future videos will be more than just educational resources.
I don't know how noticeable the change will be if you're not me; my videos will cover similar issues in similar ways. But drawing this line felt important.
Enter phase four:
ZOOPRAXOGRAPHY FOR LOVERS
is the name of my next video.
It's the story of the first kiss ever filmed - which was, somehow, between two women.
Despite being captured by legendary photo-pioneer Eadweard Muybridge (best known for The Horse In Motion), the kiss was utterly forgotten by history until a decade ago, when an enthusiast found a copy in a library. It's not mentioned once in the photographer's 250-page biography, the aforementioned River of Shadows, because even the biographer likely didn't know it existed! Wild stuff.
Why were they both women? Who were they? Why was the photographer tried for murder?
These questions have been eating at me for months. I have to know.
I want to do this story justice, so Zoopraxology For Lovers is the most creatively ambitious project I've taken on. I've licensed some gorgeous music, enlisted half a dozen performers and might even shoot a stop-motion segment, time permitting. After spending this year plugging away at a pretty dry series, this is electrifying.
...I'm even doing really good technical drawings of the set!
As you can imagine, this project is taking a while. Research is done, writing is ongoing, and it's planned for release sometime in October. Thank you for sticking with me in the meantime, I'll update you when there's an update to give!
Oh, and did I mention they were both naked?
Until next time! <3
Lily
Comments
Lily Alexandre
That's honestly touching to hear! Thank you <3
Fargo_vicious
I have never put ur videos on in the background tbh, too thoughtful to be white noise. the big gender essays are always reliably insightful to come back to once in a while, it’s become some sort of check in or save point to me to see what might stick with me at different points of life/transition. Your videos are important to me and I’m looking forward to watching what’s next.
Lily Alexandre
Thank you so much, Vince, this is really kind :) love hearing from the non-girl non-gamers in the crowd LOL
sonny
found you somewhat recently and love your stuff. i don't always agree with your opinions, but you present them in an engaging way that challenges me, and you always present things with care. i didn't even know you had a KRZ video and will definitely watch it. i subbed to your patreon because of the preview you shared on twitter of this post - it resonated with me. art is so much more than just some moral vessel that we "consume" (fucking hate that word) and are defined by (good or bad). i'm glad you liked synecdoche new york, that's honestly one of my favorite films. there is SO much to take from art, to give to it, to engage with, so much more than whether or not it has "the right" things in it to make it acceptable to "consume" looking forward to your future works!
Lilian
Omg! I stumbled into the history of queer photography and the *queer history of photography* a little over a year ago and was overcome by so many different feelings and questions! Can’t wait to see what you make!
Amy
Thanks for the update Lily. I love the time you take to really reflect on everything and how deeply you think about things. I think it does give you a relatively unique voice on YouTube. Hopefully it will be one you can use to carve out into a decent living. I can see a lot of sense in your approach of feel around for ideas, find something that works, get good at doing that thing then move on before it gets stale. I'm minded of the David Bowie quote about going out until your feet don't feel like they are touching the bottom then "you're just about in the right place to do something exciting." So I'm looking forward to something exciting. Take care and stay healthy. Amy PS Just wondering is "This is partly a response to" (with nothing after it) a cut and paste error or am I just not reading it correctly?
Vince Whitacre
I (like seemingly everyone else lol) found you through the MOGAI video, which I watched because I'm too old to know what that is. 😅 Well, I'm sure there were guys older than me on tumblr in 2012 but... the less said about them the better. Anyway, I also deeply enjoyed the Kentucky Route Zero and Girls Own the Void vids even though I'm neither a gamer nor a girl. Now, the MOGAI vid would have entertained me anyway, because although the vast breadth of experiences it tried to reflect was never my scene, I do have quite a few trans and nonbinary people I love very much; and where personal experience meets popular culture is something that's always fascinated me. But the rest of your videos? I just like em because you're a hell of a presenter. You could make an entertaining video on paint drying (not to mention you wrote one of my favorite songs ever). In other words, DO WHAT YOU WANT AND HAVE TO DO. I for one will keep watching, because whether you're addressing important political issues (transphobic legislative and other attacks frequently cause me to have anxiety attacks and raise my blood pressure to unhealthy levels, but you manage to present them in a way which keeps me engaged yet tethered to a more appropriate reaction) or a computer game I have never and like will never play, you still manage to do so in an educational, entertaining, and edifying manner. Whatever helps you in the algorithm and your own mental health is 100% 👍 by me. And I'll look forward to the next one no matter the format or subject.
