lapfox
patreon
"i cannot write music."
🕑 Added 2024-03-27 18:48:58 +0000 UTCtwo weeks ago, a strange thing began to happen. nearly every time i sat down to work, i felt repulsed by it. the sensation is hard to describe. constricting, claustrophobic, tense. i worked through it, churning out file after file of things i simply wasn't content with. with each new file, the sense of tightness grew, until i could feel it up the back of my spine. my creative thinking and problem solving skills became clouded by nothing. big, empty clouds, obscuring the thought process. eventually, these clouds filled with anxiety and doubt, and then a sinking sensation.
"i cannot write music."
this is an insane thought. since the beginning of the year, i've been writing what i consider some of my most melodically interesting work ever, and suddenly... no? you don't just forget an entire lifetime of learning and experience. i stepped away for a couple days to focus on other aspects of the job and hobby. utilities, archival work, website work, etc. things i had been putting off for similar reasons. they came quickly and easily, as the goal was clear.
so, that's it, i need a goal. i set one. "i would like to write a piece by the end of the day." but, wait, that's not a goal. there's no... direction? what is a piece? ok, brain. a piece that works for this project, with [details i won't disclose yet]. how about that?
"no."
why not? i know what i want, why isn't it happening? in all of these other fields, i can approach with a rule-based system that allows me to get from point A to B mechanically, why can't it happen here?
"because it can't."
my inability to find any reason behind what was happening was foolishly devastating. the clouds obscuring my thoughts became all-encompassing. months of habit building regarding my health started to fall by the wayside. it took twists and turns full of overworking to finally realize: i am in a period of depression. for the first time in some time, everything is difficult. in this moment it is uniquely frustrating and poorly timed, given how long it's taking me to get this project even close to done (or it feels like it's taking forever, anyways). this has coupled with my ongoing sensation of "i simply do not do enough," which has been soul crushing.
i know the wonderful people supporting what i do have said it before: i'm allowed to take my time. it really and genuinely seems like people are invested in what i do and how i do it as a very generalized thing, not just "end product." and that is a beautiful thing that i have immense gratitude for. i know this sensation of "not doing enough" is internal. i am fundamentally an overworker. if i do not put in well over full-time work hours every week, i feel a little empty. even if i do, i feel a little empty, which is something i really need to sit face-to-face with and try to understand better.
there is a great humor that i only just recently rolled out greenhouse - a way to have Fun with music again - and the expectations i give myself have so quickly gone back to being grotesque and unreasonable. i really and truly adore the project i'm currently working on, and need to see it through, but maybe it needs a little space, or a little more freedom to be... whatever. i've been thinking so restrictively about it.
acknowledging all of this isn't some kind of silver bullet; it's a first step in seeing this project through in a way that is spiritually fulfilling and holistic.
it is not that i cannot write music. it is that creating anything is hard, and never really gets easier. the process is always there, and it always requires your all. i've created a lot of things that i love, and the things i love the most came from the most free places. the first step in getting back to that place is going to be undoing a bit of the psychic damage i've been imposing on myself the past few months. i need to get back to Being rather than Thinking.
anyways, that's where i'm at.
thank you for waiting, thank you for your support, i will do everything i can to make it worthwhile for you. it's probably going to take a few days of getting my head straight, but i'll get there.
i do have some near-future plans for the patreon (probably within a couple months) but i'm needing to do a lot of preemptive work for that to figure out exactly how to execute on it, but... please stay tuned.
thank you so much.
Comments
harper
i wouldnt be doing music if you hadn't influenced me well over like 18 years ago. just do you and try your best to be positive
Wylde
The work you've done has an unimaginable significance in my life and has already become a core part of my experience. I like to see what YOU want to create and what comes out of your mind without holding you to some crazy standards. I just like seeing what you do. It's a glimpse into your really cool ideas that surpasses what regular language can convey. Try not to let passion get tangled up in expectation.
Scooty
Hope you trust in our confidence in you to find your way. You always have and always will.
Mephril
G'day. I've been supporting for a while, and while I normally don't comment, I felt a need to about this. I am someone who is probably (definitely) autistic, with anxiety and depression, and has had one of the worst creative episodes of their life just a few weeks ago; so, there's my credentials. One of the most important pieces of advice I've recieved about dealing with depressive episodes (because it never really goes away - I'm going through one right now) is a bit of advice about writing from a book I can't remember the name of. It mentions that, whenever you have writer's block, one of the best things to do is to step away from work and simply do something for a while. Meanwhile, your subconcious can pick away at the problem in the background, and, most of the time, it'll reveal a solution. I've found the same is true for depression: Sometimes, I simply can't do anything, so I don't. It's extremely annoying, but the best thing I can do in these situations is to just ride it out. Everyone is different, for sure, but I hope this piece of advice can work for you as well. You're obviously extremely talented, and very good at what you do, so while I understand the perfectionist need to beat yourself up for not being that, you've produced some, if I may say, absolute bangers in the past, and I'm sure you'll continue to release more in the future. Anyway. That's just my two cents. Hope you'll feel better soon. -Mephril.
chance
figured you likely knew these ideas already- thank you for your vulnerability and for sharing your thoughts with us
msx
yup, things i know very well this far in; i've been through the cycle several times, it's just always surprising/upsetting out of the gate, and manages to find new ways to manifest with some frequency
Chance Hodges
its normal for creative practice to fluctuate in output, even though it can be hard to accept periods of stasis and processing. i recently read a book called "a year in practice" by jacqueline suskin, and it has taught me to view my creative practice in tandem with the seasons. winter is an excellent time for rest, processing, letting your creative reservoir slowly replenish... dont worry about your listeners, we aren't going anywhere. i hope you will grant yourself gentleness and patience 💙
Rukoh
You have an excellent understanding of yourself and I really respect that! Wishing you the best with getting over or working through the funk. It's not an easy task ❤️
Dishcloth
please don't feel pressured, take as much time as it needs
toby
take ur time and get 2 where u need 2 b... creative work is exhausting sometimes, it's good to take a step back <3
US4R1598 フェリックス
You created many unfrogettable times with your work, no matter what time peroid/genere. I has always been a pleasure to be a part of your creations as a listener. Hope that you're health/vibe will repair at some point in near future, I wish you all of the best you can be. Thank you for music that has been on my ipod/phone/CDs since 2014 💚
msx
this is one of the most incredibly demented recommendations i've ever gotten and i really appreciate it LOL
Keristero
Play some "Mega Man Battle Network 6 : Cybeast Gregar [USA]" to change things up... lol but seriously, yeah you know it, take all the time you need :)
msx
10 years... wow... thank you so much.
Mora
Take your time! We're here to support you 💙
msx
the weather has been so (upsettingly) mild that i keep forgetting that it has indeed been winter for months...
NIACO
these winter months have been hard for my drive. cheering you on and grateful for your openness about the struggle.
