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Where I've Been (Long Post)
🕑 Added 2019-06-06 23:42:52 +0000 UTCFirst off, I want to say sorry for not being around and the huge lack of activity from me. I must sound like a broken record by now as I keep falling behind on deadlines again and again, and then not communicating with any of you.
This post is basically to explain and give you answers as to why, so that I can move forward and start making it up to everyone.
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I've suffered from depression these past couple of years, but it's been particularly bad for me since January (as Im sure youre aware from the lack of art and my lack of communication/presence on social media + discord).
For me one of the main effects when I go into a depressive episode is fatigue, which makes keeping on top of basic daily things extremely hard for me. I'm currently sleeping twice a day to try and cope with my energy levels, but I never seem to sleep well, so even when awake I feel exhausted, making getting things done so hard. When I'm like this I lose all motivation and find it extremely hard to draw, I get completely overcome by art block and feel even when I do draw everything turns out terrible. I don't want to make bad drawings and let people down, so I feel an intense pressure to live up to a certain standard I've put on myself. The result is I freeze up; don't do anything, fall behind on everything, and then I end up feeling worse having let everyone down >w<
The way I've dealt with depressive episodes in the past has been to just shut down, isolate, and try to take care of myself until I'm back to feeling normal weeks or months later. This has worked in the past for me as I've never really had people counting on me for something, but now I'm running a Patreon when I do this I let people down. So the shame and guilt I've felt from not drawing regularly for everyone here who donates is huge. I am truly so sorry for the last few months and not having much art for people who support me and the continued delays on reward packs. I truly feel awful for letting everyone down all the time, and I hate myself for it.
I've also been suffering with dental problems that have just been adding to my stress levels. I have a huge fear of the dentist but I finally plucked up the courage and went for a checkup last Jan. The bad news was I needed tons of fillings, 2 wisdom tooth extractions, and a root canal + crown to save one of my teeth, all things I couldn't afford. So I've been saving any money I can these last 6 months and getting the work done bit by bit. The good news is Im almost done and the only things left are 2 wisdom tooth extractions (which Im still terrified of x3) and getting a crown.
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I am okay all things considered, I want everyone to know I am getting treatment for my depression and talking with a doctor regularly. So I don't want anyone worrying about me <3
If any of you out there also suffer from depression, please make sure you don't suffer alone, please go talk to a trained professional such as a doctor if you havent. I know many of you might be scared about talking to another person about feelings of depression, or maybe you feel like you don't need any help cause you don't have it "that bad" but its a really simple step to take, and can really help if you do.
Anyways, sorry for the long text, I really do hate going into such long ramblings like this, as I don't want to seem like I'm looking for sympathy, or have it seem like I'm trying to make excuses. I just feel as though I owe everyone who supports me an honest explanation of where Im at, that Im working on fixing myself and that I want to do better in the future. So that's why I'm just trying put this all out there. I really do want to overcome this and make it up to everyone.
Thank you so much for reading, you are all amazing and I thank you all so much from the bottom of my heart for listening and supporting me. I will be replying to all the messages youve sent me over the next few days asap and I'm working hard to get all outstanding rewards to everyone over the next 2 weeks <3
Lots of love,
Owler
