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Ill Doctrine Radio 6/10/23: One More For Wallace
🕑 Added 2023-07-06 22:34:28 +0000 UTCHey y'all,
It's been a month now since I lost Wallace. I'm definitely still feeling it, in those capricious waves you keep hoping will, over time, take on some identifiable arc that passes for a grieving "process."
I'll always be grateful for our last months together, the tenderness and intimacy of that last caregiving stage was beautiful in its bittersweet way. Crazy as it seems I really miss that ritual of giving him his meds every day, finding our rhythm with it a little more each day. Feeding him in these small servings out of my hand every day, trying different foods until we found the one he'd eat for that day. Each bite a small victory as I rooted him on so hard. He was so patient, so loving, so loved. Til the very end.
It was also emotionally obliterating. Pushing through these months of twists and turns, trying so hard to crack the code of all this illness, believing we'd found some hope and then having it dashed each time. Finally figuring out he had this rare disease, FIP, successfully tracking down the treatment he needed for it and really feeling like we'd turned a corner, only to have this congestive heart failure snealk up on us and prove too much to overcome.
We had six years together. Wallace came to me in a season of loss, and I was always acutely aware of our time together being precious. I cherished every moment. It still wasn't enough. I still feel robbed. Betrayed. But I wouldn't trade our six years together for a hundred with any other soul.
So much as I may feel it, I will never say "only." Here's to six priceless years with my boy.
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On this first episode back since he passed we started out with some music for him, and then got into a joyful mix of classic 45s from our fam DJ Monk One. Here's hoping the joy is what stays <3
Comments
I have been out of the loop, but thank you for sharing with us.
I know what you mean about missing the ritual of giving meds to a pet. When my dog died, our morning routine was just gone - me shuffling into the kitchen first thing, her getting up from her bed to follow me in, her meds, my coffee….it takes a long time for that muscle memory to fade. As the commenter above said, thank you for sharing Wallace with us.
My dog Olive died several months ago - we had 10 amazing (but short) years together, which included some really hard months at the end helping her deal with dementia and arthritis, but she never lost her sweetness or desire to be close to us, doing our routines. My heart still aches and waves of grief take me down for a moment, but I wouldn't trade any of it. Thanks for sharing Wallace with us, thanks for sharing the music too.
Gwen Pearson
I feel this so much. Sending ❤️
