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How Adler Stole Kringlemas, part 3
🕑 Added 2023-12-15 00:36:26 +0000 UTCElves do not lie, but Adler was slick.
He told her the truth, but he dressed it up quick!
“Why, my sweet little dolt,” the fake Kringle laughed,
“I’m an elf out for vengeance for getting the shaft.
“I’ll ruin your good times and all you hold dear
“By stealing these symbols of faith and good cheer.”
And then the girl giggled. It went over her head.
She assumed he was joking, and went back to bed.
He arrogantly patted her head like a pup,
Then went to the chimney and stuffed the tree up!
And the last thing he took was their cellophane fire.
Then Adler split too, and the scene was quite dire.
On their walls he left nothing but hooks and some wire.
And the only food left in the home there was scant.
A single speck-crumb much too small for an ant.
Then he did the same thing in the other Yew houses,
Leaving crumbs much too small for the ants and the mouses!
. . . (everybody sing along)
You’re a dumb one, Adler Young.
You really are a doof.
You’re as smart as a dead weasel, your ideas are all a spoof, Adler Young.
You’re an ignorant nitwit and a mindless goof!
You’re a moron, Adler Young.
Your head’s an empty hole.
Your brain is full of dust mites, you have sawdust in your skull, Adler Young.
I wouldn’t trust you to so much as pour water in a bowl!
You’re a numskull, Adler Young.
You have less thoughts than a bug.
You have all the thinking power of a brain-dead, drunken slug, Adler Young.
Given a choice between the two of you I'd take the brain-dead, drunken slug!
You’re a dingbat, Adler Young.
Your brain is dried chewing gum.
Your head is full of broken rocks, your thoughts are made of chum, Adler Young.
The three words that best describe you are as follows, and I quote, “Dim, damn, dumb!”
You’re a smooth-brain, Adler young.
You’re the king of empty thoughts.
Your head is full of static inside empty, rusty pots, Adler Young.
Your skull is an empty void lacking in even the most basic of functions
Spaced out between frayed, broken threads with nothing to guide them but lightless, dead clots!
You horrify me, Adler Young.
How have you gotten this far?
The few successes you’ve managed in your life are just bizarre, Adler Young.
Because in the land of fools and morons, you’re the undisputed czar!
. . . (everybody who sang is now guilty of sedition and treason against the crown)
Ten-thousand feet up! Right up to the summit
He rode with his load to the tip-top to dump it!
“Pooh-Pooh to those Yews!” he was elfishly humming.
“They’re finding out now Kringlemas is not coming!
“They’re just waking up! I know what they’ll do!
“Their mouths will hang open a minute or two,
“Then the Yew-men of Yarksberg will all cry BOO-HOO!
“That’s something,” laughed Adler, “That I simply MUST hear!”
So he paused, and he lifted his hand to his ear.
And he did hear a sound rising over the snow.
It started in low. Then it started to grow...
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Comments
But the sound wasn’t sad! Why, this sound sounded merry! It couldn’t be so! But it WAS merry! Very! He stared down at Yarksberg! Adler popped his eyes! Then he shook! What he saw was a shocking surprise! Every Yew-man in Yarksberg, the tall and the small, Was singing! Without any presents at all! He HADN’T stopped Kringlemas from coming! IT CAME! Somehow or other, it all came just the same! And Adler, with his elf-feet ice-cold in the snow, Stood puzzling and puzzling: “How could it be so? “It came without trinkets! It came without greed! “It came without baubles all wrapped up in tweed!” And he puzzled, and puzzled, till his puzzler was sore. Then Adler thought of something that he hadn’t before! “Maybe Kringlemas,” he thought, “doesn’t come from a store. “Maybe… to a few… it means just a little bit more...” And what happened then…? Well… A few like to say That Adler’s small brain Grew three neurons that day. And once his thick head didn’t feel quite so devoid, He shot down the mountain like an asteroid. And he brought back the gifts! And the food for the feast! And he… … HE HIMSELF…! Adler joined in the feast! But… Lost in the throng, he paid it no mind Had he looked closer, he just might find Familiar faces watching him rhyme. Ready to pounce at the opportune time. They followed him far from that musky story room, Ready to catch him for a holly-jolly boon! Whistles for all was the Kringle’s promised mark, And for this they all sat and planned in the dark! Their plan was all thanks to that Miss Kathy-Slou Drew, Who distracted Adler while he sipped on drugged stew. With their load stuffed in a Kringle-made pook-proof sack, They hitched him up and carried him off on their back. (the audience sees they’ve been in the story room the whole time. It looks like there was a replacement this month, just not an authorized one. We see Miss Kathy-Slou Drew, one of the ring-leaders that masterminded this trap, sitting on top of a crate of Oscar Meyer Wiener Whistles. No doubt she is here on the Kringle’s behalf to hand out boons to the listeners that participated. She continues to read from the story book as she has all month) And so the moral of our story is really quite single, No matter the temptation, never mess with the Kringle. Have a Very Merry Christmas to all you and yours, And don’t worry about Adler, You’ll see him again, Once he’s finished his chores!
Walter Reimer
It will be a shear delight!
Major Matt Mason
Excellent parody! And Lana looks overheated and in need of a good shearing... 😈
