Ardra Neala
patreon
Fuck it
🕑 Added 2023-08-18 18:32:26 +0000 UTCI just want to start by saying I’m fine and happy right now.
So I made that schedule and stuck to it for a while, right? But then I agreed to a sponsored video. I signed a contract but they’ve been flexible.
But I didn’t have a video finished to sponsor. So I make a concept.
There’s a deadline. So I drop the schedule and work on the sponsored video pretty much non stop. I record. I trash, I rerecord. It’s “ok”.
The 2 minutes sponsored part… I record, rerecord, rerecord, rerecord. I miss the first deadline. Deadline gets pushed a month later.
My pain flairs up because of too much computer time. I am reminded why I made the schedule in the first place because I cannot work like this and if it gets done, it gets done. Spoiler: I miss the new deadline. That’s ok.
I need time away from the computer being active. I know I’m in denial about being a “disabled person”. But I don’t work up to it…. Because I’m in denial about being a “disabled person”lol I start going out more to socialize. For my mood. I walk significantly more than usual and film with my tripod and DSLR which is a lot of physical activity. Like A LOT more. I make significant improvements in my social anxiety/agoraphobia and I make new social connections and make little videos to reignite my interest in editing. People are nice.
But my pain gets much worse. I can’t walk at all without significant pain. It’s from my hips down to my feet.
I can’t sit for long periods either because of my hips.
I then can’t work on content nor go out.
I also injured my jaw during a periodontal cleaning over a year ago and have flair ups of pain where I can’t eat solid food. It also is made worse by computer time because of my neck.
I fall into a deep dark depression.
I try to pick myself up and do my make up all nice. Things could be worse right? My finger slips and I stab myself in the eye with my long nails. I have a 3 mm corneal abrasion and frankly the pain is probably the worst I’ve ever felt. It should be all better in a week, but because of the type of abrasion it might not heal the same and become a recurring thing. Not a huge deal.
Depression deepens.
I stop doing *anything* and just rest in bed. And feel guilty and like a leech.
Anyways. I am seeing a facial pain specialist again, naturopath I need to go back to (I stopped cause I felt better for a second). As you've noticed my pain migrates and is chronic and subjective so there isn't much I can do and it makes me feel like a crazy person.
I am physically miserable most of the time and any opportunity where I feel ok I have to use, almost to excess. Like, I was just diagnosed with migraines that mimic strokes while trying to medicate the ADHD I very clearly have that makes me do excessive things, have too many projects, and where I forget I have a chronic pain disorder and I need to chill out. Because having a plan to prevent pain requires focus. But I also gotta just live my life.
I don’t just feel like ass all the time. I am actively experiencing turmoil and it really weighs on my mind.
HOWEVER. I believe after this rest I’ll be ok again. I’ve been in bed all week (it’s obviously not just the eye thing). My mood goes up and down in these times but I’m determined to keep figuring it out.
My body creates a lot of drama. Just explaining. I hope you can see the humour I’m trying to convey. Right now I feel optimistic again.
I’m back to editing but I gotta be conservative. If things don't turn around I won't allow patreon to go through this month and maybe the next.
edit: and I'm NEVER going to accept a sponsorship without a video already completed and I'm going back to my schedule.
Comments
Life hits you with multiple bricks sometimes. It's alright. I believe you can stay resilient through it. I don't mind if you keep charging the Patreon because you have brought me many restful nights of sleep and power naps (still do).
i know exactly where you are. I also have phobias (leading to panic attacks) and different levels of depression. But i'm also 42 (soon) and my body already doesn't "comply" the way it used to anymore. Having heavy pains from more exercise like i.e. if the sciatic nerve is involed, that can be brutal. Atm my left shoulder blade aches for over a week, heavy pain, depending on my sleep position, how much stuff i carry around etc. Yes, all of this got worse with age, not better. But, on the other hand - since i have all of this for quite some time now, i just know and i'm able to rely on the fact, that such phases of pain and being at a darker place always get better at some point in time - as much as it makes one suffer. The body and mind are amazing. But if it gets too dark and too frightening, there is always professional help. And yes, as much as you think, these therapists cannot understand or relate to your situation, your mind and your emotions - YES, they definitely CAN. That's exactly what they are helping people with every day and they do have all the knowledge an experience around it. Also - many people visit their therapist like their going grocery shopping. Always remember that.
Bo Squeezy
Hug ♥️
i've been near there, i've done almost that. You're in my thoughts and you always have my appreciation.
