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You Can Star in Ray’s Place!

🕑 Added 2024-04-27 20:22:00 +0000 UTC

Comments

Gavin Byrnes

Dear Ray, Is it funny to say that someone or something sucks "mondo ass?" Please advise.

Donald Turnbaugh

Hybrids. Roll that dice.

Donald Turnbaugh

Weed

Donald Turnbaugh

Don't forget Godzookey

Ruxine

Dear ray, I love my human friends but I want to know some alive stuffed animals and cool cats who live the kind of lifestyle where they might end up in airwolf holding keith moon's head or in a subaru brat holding their own head or in a vintage rolls holding cartilage head or firing up the hibachi next to the porcelain banks of a small blue lake. How do I become acquainted with the dirtiest dudes in my own town? <3, Ruxine

Oppido

Hi Ray, the girl I thought I was going to marry split up with me. This was seven years ago, and I haven't been in love with anyone since. No one else has given me little hearts in my eyes like she did. She was the girl of my dreams, and now I don't know how to have new dreams. I'm starting to think I never will. Any thoughts? (Sorry this one isn't funny. Also feel free to kick it to Cornelius if it seems like more his department.)

Aaron J. Rushton

Ray I’m at the gym, but so are a bunch of loud assholes, so I don’t want to work out. They are louder than my headphones, and the gym is very small so their assholiness is not avoidable. You’re a dude who’s got a solid fitness routine figured out, right? Please advise.

Bert Zangle

Dear Ray, In (ambitous home) cooking, is authenticity (in relation to the original dish) more important than adaptation to your own preferences?

P-J

Dear Ray, I'm considering the purchase of a hot tub, but I'm overwhelmed by the options. I like the idea of a Cedar Onsen, but I also understand the practicality of a movable Coleman SaluSpa. Jets aren't a must, but anything to obscure underwater activities would be an appreciated feature. Above or below ground installation can be facilitated. I reside in a mediumly remote Rocky Mountain area, which means when i have guests, they WILL stay and bring a suit. Money aside, what is the best first hot tub? Chilly Bones (MST)

Chris Swenski

Dear Ray, I am 6'3" 280 lbs. and in decent shape for being kind of fat. Assuming slightly above average athletic ability and coordination and a couple months to train, could I win an MMA fight against a professional half my size?

A. Hamster

Dear Ray, I’ve been seeing a married woman in an open relationship for about 6 months. We have sex every other weekend, and it’s been great, but this upcoming weekend, her husband expressed an interest in joining us. He said “he wants to taste her on me, before I fill him”. I am not a dude who digs other dudes, at least not in that way. What is the polite thing to do here? I want to keep seeing the wife, without doing a can opener impression on the husband. Thank you, Steamed in Cleveland

Noah Lee

Dear Ray, I’m about to uproot my entire life and move across the country from a small town where I was a main character to a big city where I’ll be a small fish in a small pond. How do I make it known that I’m not some bit player and in fact incredibly fascinating?

GruntyGinMan

Hi Ray, have you considered trading in the Escalade for the Lyriq? It's still hella baller and isn't spewing hell bad things for the greenhouse. Regards, -=Matt=-

2scrogz

Dear Ray, When you're looking to get all split on some green, what is your favorite strain of the sticky icky? Are you into more of an Indica chiller or a Sativa thriller? Do you have thoughts on the rare heirloom varietals that cannot be easily found in the commercial dispensaries?

Oppido

Todd has cocaine ideas. Molly has some interesting ideas that the 21st century might benefit from, but she can't follow up on them because her husband saw a clump of leaves on the ground that he briefly thought was a sick pigeon, so there goes the rest of the weekend. Showbiz is still hung up on his idea for "The World's Website."

Aaron J. Rushton

Tail to snout, what’s the most delicious pork part?

Brerlapn

Nobody is named after me, but I've got several friends who refer to me as Uncle for their kids. The Venn diagram of those people and people who would appreciate a Smuckles neologism is damn near an even circle.

Oppido

I dunno if Ray is the best guy to ask about this, honestly.

FLON

Dear Ray, I do not feel tethered to any over arching principles in life, but instead try and see situations in their own context and try and navigate appropriately. Am I a moral blank?

Amit Katz

Ray, what's your advice for a man of modest means to step up in the coffee machine game? I'm getting tired of Nespresso

Hector Jimenez

Dear Ray. Who catches more fish, the person who is hungry or the person who likes fishing?

Isaac Guysaac

O Ray, I'm sort of a film buff (I refuse to say "cinephile"), and whenever I see movies with my friends they always get mad at me for "nitpicking" or "contrarianism" even though I'm just talking about what I liked/didn't like about the movie. Are they being obstinate or should I shut my trap?

Ben Wilinofsky

Dear Ray, When I was a younger man I dreamed of fame and wealth and excellence and vanquished foes and the silly little dreams bright eyed youngsters have. The thing is, I sort of made those dreams come true. Now I am older and wiser and I have become very excellent at something highly competitive and profoundly meaningless. I feel a yearning to do something else with my life, but also a sort of golden-handcuff claustrophobia. What should a man do when the dream he caught no longer satiates his soul? How do you leave your most deeply-burned neural pathways and the security of the self that comes from excellence behind? How do you end and begin again?

Blaine Bowman

Dearest Ray, my BFF is having a baby, and I am not a lady with knowledge of babies. How can I be a good friend to her when I don’t want to do baby things?

Allie

Ray, Did you see that Onstad straight-up made an goddamn AI Ray-bot, without even asking for your blessing? Shit's hella fucked up in my personal opinion, and terrible optics in the current political climate to boot... I honestly feel like the only responsible reaction is to commission Roast Beef to whip up a bot that might put a few webcomic artists out of business - you picking up what I'm laying down? Yours, Allie

John

Ray - How much is an acceptable amount to lie while golfing? Or I guess playing any somewhat competitive game with friends. Sincerely John

Nikolai Joseph

Dear Ray, Adjusting for inflation, what’s a reasonable investment for an orange juice machine? I’m not talking about juicers in general, but specifically for fresh tasty OJ. PS, is it even worth it to run some grapefruits through

Christopher Krovatin

Dear Ray, I'm making more money than I ever have before in my life--but I'm still always broke! Can you offer some advice for a man who is working his tail off and still cannot maintain his greenbacks? Many thanks, Frothy

Tyrone Slothrust

Dear Ray — I am engaged to the most wonderful woman. She comes from a smaller family than I do; I am very fond of her parents, and her sister is a charming character (this is fundamentally a compliment, but complicated). Thing is, her sister's wife? She sucks. She is ungenerous of spirit, incurious by disposition, and aside from some unimpeachably virtuous choices re: their children, the kind of person one would try to drum out of a party by making loud fart noises at every time they try to speak. Is there a proper way to express a broad disdain which doesn't lower my own vibrations beyond what a couple reasonable tacos could restore?

Bennett

Dear Ray, Do you ever think the innovative guitar work of Kevin Shields was designed because he can't play a clean note or arpeggiate a chord without his guitar and most of the band's equipment as well catching on fire?

Joe Locastro

Dear Ray, Sometimes I wonder if there is any, conceivable way, to turn out a funeral. I kinda want my funeral turned out. How would YOU...turn out a funeral? If you had permission to? Who's? Or your own?

John Robinson

I have interest in this question as well. Strictly as an academic thought-experiment, of course.

Carl Irving

Dear Ray, I have a friend who is “getting into” grappa. But that stuff tastes like old fish in turpentine. What can I tell him?

C C

Dear Ray, Last weekend, I was at a friend's barbeque, and everyone was starting to have a pretty good time. You know what I mean, homemade margaritas in the punchbowl and smiles all around. I found myself talking to a dude I had never met before, and after about a minute of smiling and nodding at him, I realized he was an asshole. Often, I will cut short an interaction with an asshole by pointing out what sort of asshole I think they are and briskly walking away. But this was a small, crowded deck, we were elbow to elbow, and everyone, except me, was having a great time with all the laughing and conversations, and such. I didn't want to kill the vibe, and there was no room to briskly walk away, so I had to endure this bona fide asshole for several minutes until he went to get another drink. What is your advice for disengaging from a situation like this without ruining the scene?

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Oral

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Mary Jane is the only thing that makes my pain stop

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Hack their Bluetooth speaker with your own phone while you're in the bathroom and drop your mojo

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Tell them you've joined Amway

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Weed

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

I'll be your friend! :)

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Sounds like someone needs the white glove treatment across the face

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Hopefully it's older than 55

Zen Window

dear ray what are the best ingredients to keep on hand for when the party goes late and people might not be able to handle proper cooking but you as the host dont want guests to have to resort to ordering delivery

DOOMFINGER

🎵 I’M TAKING RAY’S ADVICE / CAUSE I KNOW THAT RAY IS WISE / ABOUT IMPORTANT STUFF / / LIKE ALCOHOL AND DRUGS AND LOVE 🎵

Charles Richter

Dear Ray, I suddenly have work-related travel that requires a certain level of professionalism in dress. As a dude of both a certain age and counter-professional tendencies, what should I wear to fulfill my professional obligations while letting those I meet know I still got it? Cheers, Charles

R

Dear Ray, What is the max age a dude can rock a full size bed before it becomes weird/sad?

goatse mugs joel

Hi Ray, I managed to spill a negroni into the Medium Amber Medici Cloth upholstery of my buddy's (stationary) 1974 Coupe DeVille. I immediately offered to pay for cleaning, but he won't hear of it. Do you have any tips for removing the stains? Or an idea for a gift I can give so generous a player?

Mackenzie Guillory

Hey, Ray, How do I make time & energy for working on my side hustles / dreams when working a 9-5? How do I stoke that go-getter fire if I’m slouching at a damn Dell monitor for one third of a 24-hour day?

Christopher Malone

Dear Ray, My twin brother refuses to go to the sushi spot with me. He says he doesn't do raw fish and won't believe me when I say how good it is. We're twins! If my taste buds think it's good, wouldn't his? How do I convince my brother to get down on some sushi with me? Since old times, Chris

Brian Horstead

Hello Ray I've been spending a lot of money on my vinyl collection recently and I've got a sort of concern about it. Like I really enjoy looking at the album art and the whole ritual of placing the record on the turntable and letting it do its thing. But given how cheap and simple a Spotify subscription is, I'm starting to wonder if I'm really getting the most for my money out of the hobby? Can a person really justify an expensive vinyl habit when the music itself is already just scratching at the door, begging to come in for basically free? Thank you for your consideration of my question

Scott Munro

Dear Ray. I feel distant from some of my family (cousins, uncles, aunts). I’m almost 30 and I’m wondering if its worth putting in the effort to get closer to them or if its better to just accept that none of us are close and that’s just the way it. How do you deal with distant family?

Jason Pargin

Dear Ray, I have seen many intelligent, accomplished people in life who, after staring at their phones too much, fall into some type of madness, be it paranoia or just an inability to converse in normal human words or ideas. How would you cure and/or rescue a loved one who has succumbed to this?

Bungus Bronbo

Ray, please, I just need one good versatile salad dressing recipe. Can you help a brother out

Chris Martin

Dear Ray. I have a bit of a nomenclature situation. My best friend just named his kid after me (gave him my first name as his middle name) and I'm super honored. Thing is, what's the best way to describe my relationship with the kid? I say "Godfather" sometimes but that has unnecessary connotations both religious and Coppolan. I also say Uncle, which honestly works fine enough, but given your gift for neologisms and such I thought I'd ask if you could come up with anything better, as an Uncle yourself.

J Hardy Carroll

Beef will have a thousand ideas and find a hundred ways to tear each one to shreds before midnight. Pat will have one pompous idea and spend a hundred hours cherry-picking research to support the idea while ignoring all the copious evidence that it is stupid/impossible (see his skitter cart for an example.) Connie has few ideas, but they are so delightful he can dine out on them for days at a time. Lyle has fuck you ideas, so get fucked mother fucker. Teodor has a couple good ideas he needs to run by you when he gets them ready, but first he really should upgrade the RAM in his old Dell because it takes forever to load ApacheOpenOffice. Nice Pete has one idea and he's doing it this evening, after dark when the city sleeps. Philippe has a million jillion billion ideas, and when he finds where you're hiding he will explain all of them to you. I think that covers it. Oh wait, Lie Bot wants to hear your ideas. Vlad too, because he will turn them into a business for you to invest in.

Tommy Wingo

Ray, as a man I feel like I don’t cry enough. What are some benefits and drawbacks to me crying?

b.zap

Is there a cure for the Cure? Asking for a friend. Thanks!

EndgamerAzari

Dear Ray, I'm really struggling with self-esteem lately. I know that I'm at least a 6.5/10 guy in terms of appearance, my hygiene is above-average to excellent, I dress moderately well, and I am at least as respectful, interesting, and articulate in conversation as the next guy, but I can't shake the feeling that everyone finds me creepy. How can I get over the assumption that anyone I interact with would rather be doing literally anything else with literally anyone else?

b.zap

Dear Ray,

C C

I would be surprised if Ray has not already thought of and perhaps finished doing number five.

John Ryan

Ray, How's it going with the balding thing? Have you accepted or managed to reverse it? And what does accepting baldness look like for you guys - is it whatever the fuck Pat's doing? Can can a cat even shave its head (and remain in a community if one did - I'm imagining it looks pretty gnarly)? Thanks.

Dara K. Marzipan

Dear Ray, I know you can answer this for me. Say I were hypothetically interested in sitting on desserts. What's a good starter cake? Callipygian Man

NotAnon

Dear Ray, Lately I seem to be the victim of a sort of self-induced insomnia. There just don't seem to be enough hours in the day! So by the time I reach the end of it I don't want to just lie down and get to the next one. I want to relax and spend my free time. However this invariably ends up with me staying late, sleeping in later, and losing more time in the day. What can I do to solve this?

Jon Gill

Dear Ray, I have recently started experiencing insomnia for the first time. You seem like a man who has never suffered for lack of beauty sleep. What are your tips for getting a guaranteed snooze on?

Funkulus

Dear Ray, is there a good way to tell a long time friend that they have become a bore, and that I don't care for or about their gym routine, and to suggest a more entertaining hobby such as bassoon tooting or transmutation?

J Hardy Carroll

Dear Ray, As an all-around dude who naturally excels at everything you do, have you given consideration to: 1. Running for local office and redefining the role of "alderman" 2. Running a rehab center for cartoon siblings like Spike, Scrappy Doo, Showbiz, and Li'l Nephew 3. Bringing back an old technology, like Betamax or old school wrestling with Luchador masks 4. Advising on classic simple foods that are easy to make while shitfaced, like the bologna tortilla or cold canned soup shooters 5. Making a film of yourself just sitting there thinking for three hours that you can later overdub with your best ideas Asking for a friend

Cy Heffley

on average, how many lies is it acceptable to tell in one calendar year?

Aaron J. Rushton

It was until I read your question man dammit

Yelahneb Unicornucopiax

Dear Ray, I confess that despite being a longtime reader of your column, your place in the Generations is an enigma. I have more respect for you as a gentleman of taste to simply ask your age, but can you advise me on how to tell what generation a person is? Best, Yelahneb Unicornucopiax (Gen X)

Aaron J. Rushton

Hey Ray! Nothing shits up a night like bad tunes. What’s the Ray Way to ensure you’re the DJ guiding the party action and not your friends who insist on the same “This Is Paul Simon” playlist no matter the situation?

Omnithea

How much is too much to spend on OnlyFans subscriptions?

Mitch

Ray, how can I go about creating a signature cocktail that embodies me as a person? What physical and mental traits should I take into consideration and how can I match those up with liquids?