Achewood
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0093 — Roast Beef's Sexy Thoughts
🕑 Added 2024-10-25 17:00:09 +0000 UTC(Complete outtakes from this strip post at noon in tiers 2 & 3!)
If you've ever received a startlingly generous portion of breakfast meat at a restaurant, you know how it can come to dominate your thoughts. For example:
Does somebody back there "like" me? Even though I'm with my partner they do this?! I hope I am not about to get drugged and lured into some seedy underworld that I have never seen but assume must be there.
In a world such as ours, thought patterns like Beef's are understandable. Unseen worlds of philanderers flirting through brazen gifts of salted pork, always in the shadows, but always watching. They know when you're ready. It's better to think it through than not think it at all. If you think it through, you can be done with it. Unless it gets really crazy and becomes a pattern.
What's a time you thought someone was trying to communicate with you through breakfast food? Sound off in the comments!
Comments
Chris Onstad
City Ham is a great pejorative for someone wearing an outfit above their station
Charlotte Rose
A server at Waffle House once forgot my side of City Ham on my order (already a strange description which may be communicating something on its own). I was in a hurry and hungry so I let it go. As we’re paying our bill the man realizes his mistake, apologizes far more than needed, and a few seconds later I have a foil wrapped slice of City Ham to go. I think this was mainly trying to communicate empathy and/or respect, regardless my ham snack for the afternoon was gratefully enjoyed later on.
Chris Onstad
This is a true observation. Although the fried rice thing went on too long to be okay.
Chris Onstad
When I realized that I had to change it to phone, that made me extra sad
Chris Onstad
I think he mainly wanted to disturb beef with the visual of riding the wall "sexual police cowboy style"
Chris Onstad
That cook had a good and moral heart.
Chris Onstad
Seems like more of a flex than a romantic gesture. Also, line cooks usually have headaches.
lohohonez
The line cook at a local diner once made my cinnamon apple pancake so large it hung off the plate and rested on the table. He looked back at me and just said "sorry". Still not sure what to make of that.
Oppido
Yeah, I feel like Ray got his actual Bone on pretty often in the early years of the strip. And he's never stopped TALKING about sex. He had that whole breast-man self-actualization arc. But as far as doing the deed? It seems like he's been more about theory than practice for a while. Which, there's nothing wrong with that, I just mention it because I like how it deepens the character.
John Robinson
I once got breakfast at...I think it was a Corner Bakery, some 18-20 years ago. I ordered the baked French toast, which came with bacon and mixed fruit. Knowing myself, I told them to hold the fruit. Imagine my delight when I received my food and found I'd been given extra bacon, unbidden, in the fruit's stead. I don't think someone was trying to communicate much of anything to me besides perhaps one of the line cooks saying "Ese, tu es gordo". (He would've been correct, then and now, to do so.)
John Robinson
Well, there was the social services worker who checked on Little Nephew after the tiny-pants-for-each-leg incident, with whom Ray got mad rutty. But that was '03 and therefore outside the window you provided.
J Hardy Carroll
It's business time, boy. This is why God made bonee pills
Tyrone Slothrust
There are few gestures more salient than ordering a drink on the plane and for ~reasons~ beyond all our control ending up with a grip of Woodford reserve because they aren’t getting paid enough for this shit that I am also overpaying for because I have to declare my baggage a legal dependent or pay extra
Hunter Tammaro
Very on-brand for Ray to go through the trouble of breaking the wall only to abandon the enterprise with only half a leg through
Nicholas Williams
She felt fine about it, because she had just spent nine hours sleeping comfortably among the other glitterati of premium economy. Also I still have one of the tiny Dewar’s…for emergencies.
Cohen is a Ghost
"read my new book" becoming "look at my phone" is killing me
James
The barrier between sexy thoughts and prosaic thoughts is both thick and thin.
Chris Onstad
Dude are you still buzzed why are you yelling How did your wife enjoy retrieving her sozzled husband from coach
Chris Onstad
She must have busted out the purple pumps
Oppido
You know what, good for Beef for even being able to get Dracula out of the coffin after so recently relating that Garfield story.
Oppido
One of my favorite things about Ray's character is that he thinks and talks about sex constantly, yet is actually one of the more chaste characters from what we see. There was the Commodore and... what else, in the past 15-18 years?
Chris Onstad
I hope you can share this with your partner
Nicholas Williams
I did not blot coffee with the flight attendant - that would have been awkward, as my wife was on the same plane in a more expensive section. BUT HERE’S WHAT THE FUCK I JUST REMEMBERED - I was in an emergency exit row, which adds another level of potential scandal to the transaction.
Travis O.
It's all good, a small price to pay for the myriad joys of Achewood. The DuckTales theme has crossed that threshold many more times and whoever wrote that one hasn't done jack for me lately
Chris Onstad
That part in boogie nights where the guy shoots himself
Chris Onstad
I’m glad you said something so you can get an apology from the author while he’s still alive
Travis O.
The alt text to a strip way back in the day was something like "Donald Trump making love to female-genitals Donald Trump, the engine powering a perfect universe" and it has haunted my Intrusive Thoughts Threshold more than once during The Act
Kol
Now I want a follow up comic about what Molly was thinking about.
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
I suppose if blood or laughter aren't involved, Ray isn't *so* bad. We know they love each other in a bros being dudes way.
Matthew Harris
At least they don't seem to be armed
Chris Onstad
You think these aren't some of Beef's gentler intrusive thoughts?
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
Ray you stay the hell away from Roast Beef's intrusive thoughts. He has enough as it is.
Chris Onstad
We have reached There's Too Much Achewood
Chris Onstad
their interest rate is their awkward way of flirting with us
Chris Onstad
"Ruttin' at One Kelvin"
emitydna
idk man I ain't seen Ray getting any in a while. at least these two are still making an effort
Uncle Elephant
It took me an embarrassing amount of time to realize that you meant “the Police of Fucking” and not “those bastards The Police (the band).” This being the Achewood comments, I was confused but ultimately shrugged it off as an obscure and judgy music reference and/or strip callback. I now see that I was improperly applying Occam's Razor and regret the choices I didn't know I was making.
Chris Onstad
At this point I feel like you owe us the rest of the story even if you have to embellish it
Chris Onstad
I can see why you're a reader, Jay.
Jay Y
I'm kind of surprised Beef didn't read this as an assassination attempt or at least an effort to spike his sodium levels so bad he made poor decisions. Then you got to decline the breakfast meats in the spirit of self-preservation, but at what cost, dude? At what cost?
Chris Onstad
Better than wondering if this comic makes you a Furry
Chris Onstad
We all know the Fed just sits around wishin' they could watch consumers bone
Chris Onstad
I'm glad I kept that line in, then. I toyed with ending after row two.
Chris Onstad
No one has. No one has suddenly been embarrassed by the memory of a lawnmower they tried to sell but wouldn't start when the person showed up. Not during "that"
Chris Onstad
Recognizing this made me sad. And I invented these two.
Chris Onstad
You know what I mean? Everything's shrinking lately, but that ham was just charging forward out of the 1950s
Chris Onstad
Man orders a decaf depresso, double aspartame
Chris Onstad
There is no way to banter about abundant breakfast meats without feeling a little naughty
Chris Onstad
There is no way to banter about abundant breakfast meats without feeling a little naughty
Nicholas Williams
His look implied both eventualities, and possibly more.
Chris Onstad
I am three raccoons in a trench coat / I am seven desserts as a breakfast item
Chris Onstad
the rumor, or the affogato'd member
Chris Onstad
In the noon installment you'll see a clipboard note that admits this origin of that art
Chris Onstad
I guess B could also be A
Chris Onstad
You mean like "we're gonna survive this as emboldened heroes," or "you and me are gonna blot coffee before impact"?
Nicholas Williams
I was recently on a long international flight and I ordered a scotch on the rocks. The flight attendant handed me an ACTUAL HANDFUL of tiny Dewar's bottles. Do you know how many tiny Dewar's bottles I can fit in my hand? The answer is: many. He looked at me like "I'm not saying anything, but if it comes down to it, it's you and me dude."
Alex Schlesinger
AL QAEEEEDA!
b.zap
Beef blots coffee with his dick pass it around
Josh Fireland
One time at Denny’s I got a Cinnamon Roll Pancake Slam and the cream cheese icing spelled out the URL for the WebMD page on diabetes.
Andy Nemeth
I did once get a whole, unasked-for second linguiça with my breakfast eggs (common in some parts of MA). Extra sausage has never made me feel so handsome.
Ismini Roller
This happens a lot- I think it's because I always order "floppy bacon"?
Josh Egbert
The Dude Has Depression - Fuckin' Edition.
Adult Sword Owner
"that was a weird amount of ham to get lately"
emitydna
she has to be used to this by now
Ben Wilinofsky
You have never experienced this SO FAR
Miles McMahon
ESPECIALLY the Fuckin' Police
TIMOOOO
I have never experienced this
balbert
If I laugh hard enough to startle my cat then we've got a winner and "you screw like you want the dollar to tank, soldier" got the job done this week, bless 🙏
Matthew Harris
ACAB, even the Fuckin' Police
Douglas Wykstra
While the CPI is still considered the preferred way for the Fed to measure household purchasing power, more exotic models like the BDI (Bone Down Index) provide a more sophisticated understanding of our country's fiscal strength on the international stage.
Stavro
Man, the HELL im focusing on the breakfast aspect of this comic
