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Ray's Place: Baby Kings, Twin Language, Long-Distance Threesome
🕑 Added 2024-10-31 17:24:38 +0000 UTCGood afternoon Ray, My 4-year old won't go to bed. He doesn't seem to mind the concept, but rarely lays down without trying to negotiate his way out of it, if not mild-to-medium intensity rage. What can we do to help him go to sleep peacefully? Regards, Over this Shit
Dear ROTS,
Well, you definitely asked the main child-rearing expert of our times. Oh wait, I am widely regarded as a player with a helicopter. Whatever! Let’s fix your problem.
What you got on your hands there, ROTS, is a little king — a straight-up stone legend-in-the-making of a leader among men. It may not look like that when he’s all passed out on his face in The Mouse Who Sneezed jammies, but if he’s already takin’ you to the boardroom table, and then on the warpath when diplomacy doesn’t work, don’t fool yourself. By the time he’s in kindergarten he’ll have the other kids servin’ him egg rolls and Pepsi if he wants it. If he so demands it.
But even little kings get tired, and the best way to tire that boy out is to take him to the park a few times a day. This is better than doin’ the tablet zombie thing that most parents are into to these days, because eventually his kingly little brain will realize you were stuntin’ his progress, and when you're old he’ll stick you in some nursin’ home with mildew and a bitch.
You can’t change destiny,
-=R.A.Y.B.L.O.X. M.A.D.E. M.E. A. G.E.N.I.U.S.=-
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Good afternoon Ray, People used to get my identical twin and I mixed up all the time. It was always funny. But now we live in different cities, and move in different circles. I miss confusing people. Is there a way to do that without having to move to my brother’s city? —Jared F.
Dear Jared,
I think when you say you miss confusing people, you might actually be saying you miss making sense with one person: your brother. It’s hard when twins move apart. Have you heard about how if one twin gets donked on the head with a Frisbee, the other twin, even from across the world, will suddenly laugh and light a joint?
The answer is, you both need to move back together. I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it isn’t. (Call a service.) Neither of you is probably satisfied with what you’re currently doing (how could you be?) so just make something happen. How classic would it be if you both just moved to some city in the middle and got busboy jobs at a popular old place called, like, The Sternwheeler, with one of those swinging kitchen doors, and you could use that door and your twin-ness to hella comedic advantage? Like, you back through the door holding a loaded bus tub, and the instant the door closes your brother busts out the same door in a tux, just wailin’ on sax! Your true life just started.
Inspired,
=-=R-R-R-revvin’ Ray=-=
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Dear Ray, I'm about to move across the country. Is there some way to make the process less of a pain, even by a minuscule amount? —Distant Egg Song
Distant,
I think you should team up with Jared F. (previous question) and his twin brother! They are looking for a road trip that will redefine not just their friendship but their lives, and having another advice-column-writer-inner as the catalyst in the mix will make for an enriching comedy all can enjoy! DM me, I have access to Jared’s email address.
Cassowary Peckin’ at Tater Tots,
R
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Confidential to Gary_V in Minneapolis: Whoah. If your backyard barbecue guests are actually saying to your face that they’re sick and tired of hearin’ about your kid’s high school football game, “full eye contact and spittle flecks” and all, they usually mean it. I wouldn’t push your luck any further than you have.
Comments
Chris Onstad
What video games aren’t, I put it to you
Sedric And Charlie
it is fundamentally digital lego, but also child exploitation interestingly enough
Chris Onstad
Yes the chili will still have the snipped-off corner of the plastic bag it came in in it (macroplastics?) but you can eat around it.
Chris Onstad
To be honest I have no idea what Roblox is. I assumed it was some kind of large Lego thing.
Chris Onstad
"A person on jobber/thumbtack/taskrabbit will conform like water to your laziest wishes"
Miiiike Walker
“I know it sounds like a lot of work, but it isn’t. (Call a service.)” This could replace “E Pluribus Unum” on our money, is there a more American motto?
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
Yes, thank you. I knew there was something improbable going on.
GruntyGinMan
smile and nod
2scrogz
I believe he outsourced his financial management to his own bank, which issued him the The Ray Card. ("For Ray. By Ray. Every time.") Although the bank canonically lacks a physical location, I have no doubt that they have accounting & tax-prep firms on retainer to process the receipts from The Ray Card. (Some extrapolations on my part, but here's The Ray Card strip: https://achewood.com/2005/07/06/title.html )
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
I thought possibly Ray had someone else juggling his money? Is that canon? A level 20 chaotic evil wizard?
John Robinson
Which raises the question: how nightmarish would it be to be Ray Smuckles's accountant? It can't just be Beef keeping Ray's finances in line and compliant with the law.
John Robinson
He pays them to the user. It's one part charity tax dodge and one part a true player's generosity.
Sedric And Charlie
I don't know how to process that Ray knows enough to drop a Roblox reference
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
Who else wants to play games in Rayblox? I'm almost certain Raybux exist already.
Stavro
Order the hash browns and chili at the Sternwheeler, but skip the eggs. Hell of egg shells in there, because of all the twin antics distracting the kitchen
