Achewood
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0092 — Ray's Fucked-Up Secret
🕑 Added 2024-10-18 17:00:15 +0000 UTCI was recently catalyzed to remember, I know not by what, a weird boy I had met when we first moved to the woods. His family lived in a bit of a cabin — as distinguished from a home by its rustic innards and outards — and the parents didn't have the common social graces to which I was accustomed. One day when we were there alone after school he attempted some manner of handsy dry-humping maneuver on me, which I found unacceptable, and I informed him of this. (I wasn't much practiced in physically pushing people, but push I did, and it must have been successful, because I am not to this day his cabin sex-slave.) Then we went to play in the creek of their holler, because I was stuck there another hour or so until my mom showed up, and he kept making himself fall in the water as a way to apologize for upsetting me with his mock-copulation.
He eventually became a hick (what we called rednecks), then a Mormon, and now is one of those people who isn't on the Internet. Everybody else like him is on the Internet, though, so it seems an odd absence. Maybe he died.
Comments
Lynsey McCoskey
I love this!
Chris Onstad
And notice how he’s delicately fingering the rim of his glass in the previous comic, when discussing Molly (director’s commentary)
Lynsey McCoskey
I'm late to the game but panel 5 - Teodor's unfiltered reaction powered by his own mind - is what makes this whole strip for me
Eli Parker
Turned on by veiny eyes is already pushing it
Ian Stewart
some of us prefer clear and direct signaling
RaleighTSakers
Wow I already thought the internet had done all the damage it was going to do to me by now. How incredibly naieve of me. Garfields expression and the SA callback to a thread I somehow missed have worked their dark magic on my psyche and I find myself a changed person with a new and more unfortunate perspective on humanity in general yet again. Bravo, I think, I mean I laughed, which is what I'm here for, but I'll also never be the same which I also signed up for at either what is the saddest thing or cartilage head or maybe earlier, it's been a while.
Tyrone Slothrust
achewood: expanding your horizons in multiple directions, sometimes on purpose
Ruxine
Beef, beef, beef, I get that it is drink #5 and the real honesty hours have begun but its hell of negative karma to kinkshame your besties like that and there is no way teodore is going to be able to hold that one in you just dropped a firecracker in your own toilet you better hope this is a one off comic so that fuse just never burns down also that way your conscience doesn't get ahold of this one because we all know it has sadism fr
Bruce Bortin
I clocked that. Glad you did too
Bruce Bortin
Such a handsome lad!
Chris Onstad
Garfield: Eight Lives
Chris Onstad
You know he’s learned not to move his face
Chris Onstad
Portland kids would have those jarheads tagged and gonorrhea-positive before they felt the temperature change
Greg Sienkiewicz
The most I've ever done with Garfield was to take him/it to the local church parking and get him exploded by my stoner/pyrotechnicist neighbor.
Oppido
I couldn't believe I was first to it, or that no one had assessed Garfield as cold having a peter in his mouth.
GruntyGinMan
*over estimate. Masters in the humanities folks. Sorry mom, sorry dad, sorry college.
GruntyGinMan
Seems like Lyle has been to The Plank in San Diego where every night is fight night with strapping young sailors and Marines who really underestimate their bar fighting abilities.
Stygian Gloom
Is that the face T makes when sizing someone up for a blowjob, because wowee.
Chris Onstad
Ian, the lippy motions in that man's kiss of the massive Garfield, and the nature of his sinister eye contact with the camera, have just given me the strangest sentence of my life.
Chris Onstad
I got pretty far into an article about this guy, but then realized I was pretty far into an article about this guy, and stopped.
Chris Onstad
fingers of ice, trackpad of iron, head full of freon
Chris Onstad
"There's structure, here" — the blind astronomer in Contact
Chris Onstad
That's what I'm talking about. This guy is either a Bond villain now, or in that exact same room. Part 2: Really gives a new definition to the term DJ.
Chris Onstad
Lyle probably just left him hanging at the Scow when he didn't notice Ray offering a parting shake. This can happen when L is blittered on pint Jacks, and light-headed from those gluey chicken tenders that give him macular degeneration.
GruntyGinMan
Lyle owes Ray a Handshake(pay back for sending him to the afterlife?)
A. Hamster
This same guy would also take LP records (the 45s with the large center holes) and spin them around his dick.
A. Hamster
In junior high school, I knew a guy who knew a guy who had stuffed animals on strings in his bedroom, at just the right height for humping. My friend was offered his choice of stuffed animal, which he politely declined.
Thomas Ellis
Oh this is actually a *Thing*.
Matt Mitchell
Kudos, was scanning for this before posting the same
Tom P
AchewoodEATS featuring Teodor's #farmtotable orange pizzas and Lyle's Big Cow Lasagna.
Ian Stewart
If you are able to dust off your old Something Awful account: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=4034692 The archived original thread is here: https://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3884709 Or just witness the visual summary here: https://i.imgur.com/VIsMASD.mp4 If this man ever approaches you, visibly enthusiastic about licensing the Achewood characters, move as rapidly as possible in the direction of safety
Tom P
(Nathan Mazri also wants to fuck Garfield, but is not a simmering jar of hormones, as Ray presumably was in his child times.)
Tom P
Seek ye the tale of Nathan Mazri and the GarfieldEATS outlet. You will undergo Arabiolosis and experience true entergagement if you can escape the perils of Fork Jail.
DOOMFINGER
Roger that. Stay cold, ONSTAD! 🫡
Chris Onstad
Ice Money
Chris Onstad
I don’t know what that means but I want to
Tom P
Ray is Entergaged.
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
He was all, bone...bone...bone. Unrelated aside: I know what you mean by 'outards' but did you know that is also a French word for Canada geese? I did not until just a minute ago.
Julie (HiDeeHoGal)
Please yes. I already both love and fear him.
Chris Onstad
in a way, this is a mini-arc, since it's thinly a continuation of last week. But they don't rely on each other. Hmm...
Chris Onstad
exaaaactly
Chris Onstad
*ideal*
Oppido
Speaking only for myself here but mini-arcs are always welcome!
Oppido
up yours Garfield
Jeff Holt
I think I did. My wife had to check on me because I do not often laugh
Chris Onstad
I hope you were laughin' *stoned hard*
Jeff Holt
I laughed unbelievably hard at this
DOOMFINGER
Roger that. Stay cold, ONSTAD! 🫡
Chris Onstad
with our without tumescence, the metaphorical chain link fence of danger has received us all.
Chris Onstad
But good catch. Also, sometimes he just wears a different shirt. He's no Charlie Brown.
Alexander Rediger
hahahaha.
Chris Onstad
I deliberately took it off because they are supposed to be in the third grade here and that's before he discovered them (fourth grade).
Professor Hazard
we've all stuck our dicks through a chain link fence just to prove it could happen
DOOMFINGER
Wait a minute where is the Dead Kennedys logo on his shirt? CONTINUITY ALERT 🚨
DOOMFINGER
Oh yes I LOVE Young Beef Comix
Cf Duddy
“a little tear” so good 🤣
Chris Onstad
I suppose on the balance Ray is more friend than trauma instigator, but it's got to be a pretty narrow margin.
Josh Egbert
Beef having enough emotional scar tissue to wallpaper Ray's house is uniquely suited to deal with it. T is not made of such sturdy damage.
Chris Onstad
Such as witnessing a dude's stew. Which was also Ray.
Chris Onstad
Terry Parker makes Beef look like Richie Rich. Maybe we would benefit from seeing more of him.
b.zap
A Terry Parker Story (TM)
Josh Egbert
Some information just colors how you view a dude, ain't no way around it.
Chris Onstad
wait who are you calling nice pete
Chris Onstad
Plus, Ray might have some mangled subconscious reason for putting the words "asshole" and "handshake" in the same sentence. Layers!
Jonathan
It was mortifying at the time but now it's just funny
Chris Onstad
"pyrotechnic gyrosextric" would have been a medium-good Chili Peppers album. (Too many alt-rock Strat grooves ruined by the brick wall of a funk break)
Chris Onstad
Those *hee's* were more just the strength of Beef's reaction to recalling the incident, rather than mirth. Surprise.
Chris Onstad
Good, that's more what I was thinking. "Woe is me" tales are so Facebook.
Nikolai Joseph
Not to dodge the elephant here, but the tone implies that handshake was maybe accumulating interest.
Chris Onstad
Yes, exactly. I wasn't going to call for stories like this from folks because OH MY GOD but it's very humanizing to share such tales.
emitydna
We are all of us little balls of directionless hormones at that age, with predictable results.
Matthew Harris
This doesn't seem like an "oh uh hee hee" story to me
Chris Onstad
If this were going to be a little longer — maybe a mini-arc, which I am trying to avoid at the moment — that would have been fun. Kind of a David Mamet or The Usual Suspects thing.
Sebastian Payne
If Beef was the pranking type, this would be a great joke on Téodor.
Jonathan
One of my most embarrassing childhood moments is rolling around on the floor vigorously humping a child-sized Snoopy doll to make the neighbor kids laugh, and then realizing that they had stopped laughing because their dad had walked into the attic and was observing the simul-copulation as well.
Bungus Bronbo
Oh no don't worry, I more meant like, "wow this is all a lot of evocative character building for these characters, I think I need a minute to incorporate this information." And this does add color AND flavor to Nice Pete's origin's, don't doubt that
Chris Onstad
Alpha cat! I go into deeper analysis of Ray's behavior in the noon installment.
Chris Onstad
Dude was one handshake shy of a proper Thursday night.
Chris Onstad
The vignette from the woods was simply meant to be one of those "kids do weird shit" stories, and is not a "trauma" story for me. I just thought it was annoying at the time, and don't carry any weight from it.
Nicholas Williams
I love it when Ray comes a'callin' all in his cozy scarf and hat.
Bungus Bronbo
This comic and the below text is a lot to process, I think I need to take a break.
Bungus Bronbo
"I chase you in my brain, Garfield." Fucking hell, Ray.
