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Genie in a Double-Deuce
🕑 Added 2024-05-29 19:54:21 +0000 UTC“Aw man, I lost another one!” Mitch cried as he reeled in his line. “What am I doing wrong?”
Cory laughed from his seated position nearby, setting aside his sketchbook and pencil. “You’re probably not baiting your hook very well!” He rose to his feet and walked over to where Mitch stood, pulling another nightcrawler from the bait bucket. “Let me see what you’re doing.”
Mitch’s face scrunched in frustration as he displayed his baiting method. He ran the hook perpendicularly through the side of the worm and let it dangle and twist on the hook. His steely-blue eyes turned to Cory for feedback. “Well, what do you think?”
“There’s your problem!” Cory said with a laugh. “Here, let me show you.” The auburn-haired boy reached out and grabbed the hook, gently prising the squirming nightcrawler from its torturous prison. “You’re making it too easy for the fish to steal the bait.”
Placing the worm onto the top of their cooler, Cory fished a pocket knife from his jeans and chopped the nightcrawler into several roughly-equal smaller pieces. Grasping one of the middle segments, he threaded the hook through it, concealing most of the metallic finish within a pale fleshy coat.
Mitch frowned. “Doesn’t that seem excessive? That’s… kinda gruesome.”
“The bigger fish, the ones that have lived longer, have learned to nibble the bait rather than gobble the whole thing up. You’ll never hook one when it can get the worm so easily,” Cory replied, wiping his hands on his jeans. “Give that a shot and I bet you’ll catch something nice.” His brown eyes sparkled as he smiled at Mitch. “I promise!”
Mitch’s cheeks colored a bit as he turned his attention to the water. “Yeah yeah yeah, whatever. How would you even know, anyway? You hate fishing.” He wound his arm back and flicked the line over the water, casting into a shadowy area with dappled sunspots filtering through the leaves overhead. “Like, you don’t actually like doing most of the stuff we do, but you always come along with me, anyway.”
Having returned to the shaded spot where he’d been sitting, Cory hid his grin behind the sketchbook and resumed the drawing he’d been working on. The pencil’s movement on the paper made the only sounds other than the gentle lapping of the lake water on the shoreline and the periodic calls of wild birds. “I just like hanging out with you,” Cory finally said. “You’re relaxing, and it’s fun teaching you stuff.”
“You’re only two years older than me,” Mitch grumbled. “It’s not like I never teach you anything!”
Cory snorted with the effort of trying to suppress a laugh. “I mean, sure, but I don’t know that the decay rate of a human corpse in the desert has a lot of real-world applications for me!” He slouched over his drawing to update a few details.
Mitch squinted at the white and red bobber floating on the surface of the water. He gently gave a couple turns on the reel and continued watching his line. “I mean, you don’t know how it could help you now but who knows what the future holds? Some day, you could be an author or a forensic pathologist!”
“Yeah, I don’t see myself going in either of those directions,” Cory admitted. “I mean, I’m not even in high school yet.” He trailed off, looking up from his drawing to watch the sunlight dancing on the surface of the water in the ripples.
“You never talk about the future,” Mitch stated. “Don’t you have any idea what you wanna do when you grow up?”
“Not really. I’m twelve. I’ve got six more years to figure out whether I want to go to college or trade school or something. I’m sure I’ll have something figured out by then,” came Cory’s dreamy reply. “Right now, I just want to enjoy being a kid. Have fun. Relax. That kinda stuff.”
Mitch snorted. “You say that now, but what happens when you find a girlfriend? I bet she’ll have all kinds of plans for your future!”
“Not all women are as bossy as your mom, you know,” Cory retorted with a grin. “My mom’s pretty laid back. Dad’s actually kinda the bossy one in my family.”
“Psssh, it’s girls our age you gotta watch out for. They’re the mean ones.”
Cory’s brow furrowed. “What do you mean? I get along great with girls. It’s most of the guys my age that are the dicks.”
Mitch laughed and gave his line a little tug. “The guys wouldn’t pick on you if you’d just play with them! You’re always skipping out of sports and stuff to draw and read. They probably think you’re acting like you’re better than them, or something!”
With a heavy sigh, Cory closed his sketchbook and set it aside. “Can we drop this? We have recess at different times. You don’t see how they act… what they say…” He pushed the long hair away from his eyes and tucked it back behind his ear.
Mitch glanced over his shoulder at his friend and noted the lost, sad expression on his face. Oddly, in this light, Cory looked strangely pretty. For a guy, anyway. The sun made the reddish-gold highlights in Cory’s shoulder-length auburn hair glitter. With the strands tucked behind his ear, the hair framing his face made him look fairly feminine. Mitch jerked his gaze back towards the water before he got caught staring.
“You should get a haircut,” Mitch said flatly.
“Don’t wanna,” was Cory’s only reply.
Suddenly, the tip of Mitch’s fishing rod dipped downward and the bobber disappeared beneath the surface of the water. With a loud whoop, the younger boy pulled the rod back to set the hook before beginning to reel in his catch. But almost immediately, the line began to strain and the pole remained unnaturally curved toward the surface of the water. “Shit, I think it’s caught on something!” Mitch muttered.
“Don’t pull it straight back,” Cory advised. “Try pulling your pole to the side, see if that gives you some more give. The fish might have gone under a log or a rock or something.”
Mitch did as he was told and moved the pole to his right, giving the reel a tentative turn. Sure enough, he could feel the weight of something heavy being pulled on the line as the bobber dragged across the surface of the water. With increasing excitement, he continued to steadily reel in the burden of his line as it pulled closer and closer to the shoreline on which he stood.
Cory had hopped to his feet again in order to investigate his friend’s catch. As he arrived where Mitch stood, both of them wore expressions of confusion. The hook emerged from the water bearing a hefty metallic cylinder.
“Is that… a beer can?” Mitch finally asked.
“I dunno,” Cory replied. “It doesn’t have a label. But it’s the same shape and size as those big beer cans my dad drinks.”
A devilish smile spread across Mitch’s face. Cory knew in a moment what he was intending. “Dude, no. Please don’t drink the mystery beer from the lake. I’m pretty sure that’s how zombie movies start,” Cory cautioned.
But it was too late. In the course of releasing the tab of the can from his fishing hook, Mitch pulled the tab back into the top of the can to the sound of a loud hiss. Neither of them expected what happened next, however. A voluminous bloom of blueish smoke burst forth from the can in Mitch’s hand, shocking the boy and causing him to toss the can to the ground. As the smoke continued to pour out, it began to coalesce into the shape of a very large man.
“HOOOOOO-EEEEEEEEYYY!” the man-like form shouted in a high-pitched hog call as it solidified.
Before the two boys on the shore of the lake floated a barrel-shaped man easily twice their height. His broad torso was unadorned save the single denim strap that held up the front of his bib overalls. A sporadic mass of body hair dotted the large man’s skin, giving way to a great bushy beard that obscured the jawline. A reddish, bulbous nose jutted out over the dark beard. Two glowing green eyes peered down at the boys beneath a dark unibrow that looked for all the world like a massive fuzzy caterpillar. The top of his head, from what little the boys could see, was hidden beneath a trucker cap that bore an illustration of a race car on its face.
Dumbfounded, Mitch and Cory began to back away from the apparition they’d unleashed.
“Well hey there, y’all! How you tikes doin’?” the strange man said as his gaze fell upon the boys.
“Um. Fine. Sir. Please don’t kill us. Sir,” Mitch muttered, his eyes still wide and staring.
“Now I ain’t gonna hurt ya! Ya look like good kids, and ya let me outta that double-deuce!” the man exclaimed.
“What’s a double doose?” Mitch asked in genuine confusion.
“Twenty-two ounces,” Cory replied. “The volume of that can,” he added with a gesture to the can still held by Mitch.
“Yessir! Dang, you a smart kid, y’know?” the strange man said with a smile. He straightened up (as much as one could without legs) and folded his arms across his broad chest.
“So here’s the deal, kiddos. I’m supposta grant a wish to whichever one’a y’all let my can outta the can.” He squinted at the children for a moment and his eyes lit up with recognition. “And that looks like it’s you, Mister Man! Fishin’ eh? Can’t say’s I’m surprised you found my can in the water. Last guy that called on me was in a bass boat, after all!”
“Uh, are you a genie? Like in that Aladdin movie?” Mitch asked.
“Yeppers! Same rules, too. Can’t bring back the dead, can’t make someone fall in love, and I can't kill anyone. Oh, and no wishing for more wishes! I only grant one, not three. Somethin’ ‘bout a karmic distribution from the folks in charge, I hear.”
Cory frowned at his friend. “I don’t think this is a good idea, Mitch. Maybe we should just send him on his way?”
“No way, bro! This is my chance!” Mitch exclaimed. “I can get a huge guarantee on my future!”
“So, what, you’re gonna wish for money?”
The genie let out a booming laugh. “Yeah, it’s what most folks wish for! Not real original, but everyone wants ta be rich!”
“No way! I want to make sure that when I get older, I don’t have to worry about being bossed around like my dad! I want to wish for a girlfriend that won’t treat me like a wallet!”
The genie stroked his beard. “Now, I said I can’t make anyone fall in love. So think about how you wanna do this. Can’t really give you advice, here. When you’re ready, just say ‘I wish’ and then tell me yer wish!”
Cory wrung his hands a bit. “I still really think this is a bad idea. Maybe we should take some time to think about it? What if this is like a Monkey’s Paw thing and the wishes only come true in bad ways?”
“Naw, it ain’t nuthin’ like that!” the genie reassured them. “I ain’t smart enough ta do nuthin’ sneaky like that. But I do gotta take the path of least resistance. So any wishes I grant gotta have the least karmic blowback.”
Mitch scratched the back of his head, the fishing pole lying forgotten on the ground as he studied the silver can he held with his other hand. “Okay, I think I got it.”
“What are you going to wish for?” Cory inquired. The anxiety in his voice was obvious. He didn’t want anything bad to happen to his friend.
“Okay, Genie. I wish…” Mitch’s voice trailed off as he thought about how to phrase it. “I wish for the girl most likely to make me a happy man for the rest of my life to show up in front of me!”
The genie spit off to the side and nodded. “Wish… granted!” he exclaimed as he snapped his fingers.
There was an explosion of light and smoke that obscured all vision and for a moment, Cory and Mitch thought they’d been tricked. But as the smoke dispersed and their vision cleared, they looked around in confusion. It was still just the three of them standing by the water.
“I don’t get it,” Mitch stated. “Where’s my future wife?”
The genie grinned. “Standing next to ya,” he stated as he gestured at Cory.
Cory stared at the genie in disbelief. “What are you talking a-” Cory’s voice trailed off. His voice sounded a little bit different. Not much, but enough to notice. He placed a hand to his throat and tried talking again. “...about?”
With a non-committal shrug, the genie said, “Path of least resistance. Easier to change someone who already likes ya into a girl than find a girl who might like ya. Turns out, not many folks know ya well enough to like ya like that!”
Cory groped his chest and realized that while it wasn’t much, there was some extra padding there that wasn’t there before. He didn’t bother checking anything else.
“Not cool! Change me back!” Cory yelled. His eyes began to tear up. “How am I going to explain this to my parents?”
They both looked at the genie, who was now looking noticeably more translucent. They could see the water through his body. He shrugged again. “I couldn’t make a person outta nuthin’. But I can warp reality a bit so that the folks that know ya have always known ya as a girl. Insteada bein’ Cory Andrew Connelly, now yer Carrie Anne Connelly! And you’ll grow up to be a cutie!”
Cory-now-Carrie dropped to their knees in shock.
Mitch shook the can in his hand. “This isn’t what I asked for! I wanted to meet a girl that could be my future wife, not turn my best friend into a girl!”
“Hey now, kiddo, I got the idea from you in the first place! In the backa yer head, you was thinkin’ you’d like a girl just like yer friend!” the Genie retorted. “I was just followin’ yer lead!” He shook his head and glanced at a blank space on his left wrist. “Anyway, looks like my time’s up. Gotta find my next potential wisher!”
“Wait, Mitch, give me the can! I’ll wish myself back to normal!”
Mitch stared at the can, his face flushed red from embarrassment. But instead of handing it over to his friend, he shook his head. “No, I think this is better for both of us.”
Cory-now-Carrie blanched. “What do you mean? I just wanna fix this!”
“Think about it! You get along better with girls already. And you were already kinda confusing-looking with your hair and face… I think you’ll be happier this way!” reassured Mitch.
“Too late! Bye, y’all!” The genie broke down into smoky particles and began to condense into the beer can. The top of the can resealed itself with an odd hissing sound and the can shot straight up in the air, only to rocket off into the distance.
Dumbfounded, Carrie continued to stare into the sky for several moments before her gaze fell on her friend Mitch.
Mitch offered an uncertain smile. “If it’s any consolation, you really don’t look that much different? It’s like you were meant to be a girl all along!”
“You left a clause in your wish,” Carrie growled with a sinister smile.
“Huh, what’s that?” Mitch asked.
“You wanted someone to make you happy for the rest of your life.”
“Okay? What are you getting at?” replied Mitch.
“If you die, I should go back to normal!” Carrie roared as she launched herself after Mitch. “So I just have to kill you!”
Mitch reeled back in surprise, spinning on one foot to run away, only to trip over his discarded fishing pole and fall to the ground. Carrie, already in motion, tripped over Mitch’s feet and landed on top of him. As she did so, her face collided with Mitch’s and their lips locked into an awkward kiss.
She immediately pulled away and sat up, covering her mouth. “Ugh! I can’t believe you were my first kiss!” she shouted indignantly.
Mitch burst out into laughter. “Sorry about this. I really am. But… is it really that bad?”
“No. But you’re still an asshole,” Carrie admitted after a few moments.
“So… did he really turn you into a girl?”
“I haven’t checked my pants, but I do have boobs,” Carrie sighed in response.
Mitch sat bolt upright. “Can I see?”
Carrie chucked a fistful of dirt at her friend. “Hell no! I haven’t even seen them, yet, and I’m not wearing a bra!”
“That’s even better!” Mitch said excitedly.
“Asshole!” Carrie said as she lobbed another chunk of dirt.
The two of them laughed as they continued tossing dirt at each other and fighting until sunset.
Somewhere, miles away, there was another loud “HOOOOOOEEEEEEEYYYY!” as another unsuspecting sucker cracked open what they thought was free beer. But that’s a story for another hog roast.
