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V2C11 : Tun Shi Tian , Reporting For Duty !
🕑 Added 2021-11-11 16:20:40 +0000 UTC"Why is the world so complicated ? Why can't things be simpler ? I just wanted to become a businessman . It wasn't even anything remotely illegal . Why did it have to involve some mysterious heavenly tribulation ? Do the heavens hate me ? Oh wait..."
Lamenting his luck , Xuhan walked back to his hut sluggishly . Once the whole fiasco with Yuen Zhou's lecture had taken place , it attracted the attention of every living being in the sect . Sect master Xuan Zi himself had come running , panic written all over his face .
After being briefed by a dazed Xuhan about the situation , sect master Xuan Zi had dragged Yuen Zhou away immediately with the rest of the curious elders following behind them .
Numbly , Xuhan had instructed the dumbstruck disciples to pack their things up and left with his teaching materials and props .
"On the bright side , that lecture was impressive as hell . Maybe that'll actually help my business scheme..."
Xuhan consoled himself and entered his hut , tired after the hectic experience . Feeling hungry , he summoned Zhanxian again to cook for him . Soundlessly , the skeleton jumped out of his back and landed on the ground .
"How did it go , master ? The lecture I mean ."
"Incredible !" Xuhan answered .
". . .Ah well , I was expecting it to be some sort of a disaster for some reason . Guess I was wrong , master ."
". . .Cook ."
Zhanxian gave a mock salute and added as an afterthought , "you might want to have a chat with your new minion . Have fun !"
Eyes narrowed with suspicion , Xuhan summoned the skeletal owl as Zhanxian entered the kitchen and started rummaging through their stock .
After a few seconds , the odd sound of bony wings flapping in the air behind him told him that the owl had appeared . Turning around , Han Xuhan found himself face to face with his latest creation , an owl with red bones that could somehow fly despite the lack of feathers . It confirmed his suspicions of the fact that his minions were somehow exempted from regular laws of physics . As the skeleton of a human , Zhanxian could talk like living humans , and as the skeleton of an owl , 'Tun Shi Tian' could fly .
That's right . Han Xuhan had already decided what to call his second minion . After a lot of thinking , he had come up with this name . Although he wasn't Chinese in his previous life , he had learned a lot of redundant Chinese words that couldn't really be used in real life , a courtesy of webnovels . As far as he could tell , Tun Shi Tian meant 'Heaven Devouring ' . During his edgy teen phase back on earth , the name felt pretty cool , a fact that embarrassed him to no end after growing up . Now though... now he was just using the name out of spite .
Looking up above at the ceiling at nobody in particular , Xuhan let out a dry chuckle and met little Tian's empty eye sockets .
"Hello , there . How do you do ?"
The owl silently stared back at him for a good five seconds before answering .
"Trash ."
Han Xuhan's mouth twitched . What a surprise...It was time to establish who's the bigger asshat here .
"Hahaha , so adorable ! Guess what ? You'll be serving this trash from now on . Wonder what that makes you , little Tian ."
The owl let out an enraged screech and dived at Xuhan like a bullet .
"Trash , watch your mouth or I'll sew it up for you !"
Just as its artificially sharpened wings were about to touch Xuhan's face , it vanished into thin air , much to Xuhan's amusement . About seven seconds later , the owl reappeared behind Xuhan and crashed into the wall of the hut which was magically strengthened for the convenience of regular cultivators with superhuman strength .
"demon , you dare !" The owl screamed . The scene would have been more perfect if it could vomit blood , but alas...
"Give up , weakling . My jedi powers are beyond your imagination ," Xuhan laughed derisively as he turned around to face the owl crawling on the ground . At some point during the fight , he had taken out his lightsabe-walking stick . Twirling it in in his hand , Xuhan pointed a finger at the skeletal bird and said , "resist as much as you want . But we both know that I'm superior in every way . According to the modern biologists , birds are a stage behind mammals in the evolution chain . To top that off , you're a dead bird . Why go against natural order ?"
The owl , which had been preparing to unleash another wave of attacks , both verbal and practical , suddenly paused and turned to look at its senior brother Zhanxian who had been attracted by the commotion .
"The fuck ? Number one , you told me he wasn't right in the head ! But this guy is...What the fuck is he even talking about ? Jedi power ? Did cultivation change its name when I was asleep ? And the rest...what the fuck was that even supposed to mean ?"
Zhanxian laughed in schadenfreude .
"Cry about it , 'little Tian' ."
"HOW DARE YOU ! I'LL NOT ACCEPT SUCH A CHILDISH NAME ! DIE FOR ME !"
The owl again flew at Xuhan with incredible speed , and the previous scene repeated itself . Again and again , Xuhan and Zhanxian took turns in mercilessly teasing little Tian , driving the poor thing mad with fury and indignation .
"Hah , is that it ? I hope you can take more . We've got the whole night ahead of us , and I've held myself back for this my whole life . Hahaha..."
"Master , as much as I enjoy this , your words make me shiver in disgust for some reason ."
Xuhan slapped Zhanxian at the back of his cranium .
"Damned degenerate , stop thinking with your di-wait , hehehe..."
"Did you have to rub that in , master ?"
"Well , between the two of us , I'm the only one who can rub it in , in more ways than one , see ?"
Leaving a snickering Xuhan behind , Zhanxian stomped out of the room back to the kitchen .
"Hmph , scamper back to the kitchen . That's where you belong ," Xuhan said behind him and focused back on the owl . It was now lying on the ground lifelessly , looking as devastated as a skeletal bird can .
"What about you ? Still want to rebel against your master ?"
". . .For now , I'll accept your tyranny , demon !"
"Attaboy ." Xuhan clapped his palms together .
"Now tell me about yourself . Don't bother with the name ; I got one for you . A magnificent name for a servant of my magnificent self . TUN ! SHI ! TIAN !" Xuhan laughed uprariously , spreading his hands apart like an anime protagonist summoning their ace weapon .
". . .Hey , that's actually not a bad name . I just disagree with the nickname . I'm a buff , healthy man . You shouldn't call me little Tian ."
"I see no proof of your manhood , other than your voice which should belong to a young teen , either male or female ; it's hard to tell . Why would I believe you ?"
"I don't have any reason to lie about this , damn you !"
"Alright , alright , stop crying , my buff , healthy , totally male minion . If you behave , maybe I'll change your nickname into something more manly . Now talk about yourself . What do you remember from the time before I summoned you ? What do you think your identity is ?"
The owl maintained its silence for a while , seemingly contemplating its situation and thinking things through .
"I was a nameless soul , floating along the curves of the heavenly river without memories or an aim , nor thoughts for countless years . I do not know who I am , but I understand much , and recognize things that I have no memory of .
After gaining my consciousness within that tower you restrain me in , I contemplated on what makes me so special , such an oddity . Perhaps I am an emissary chosen by the celestials in heaven , a son of destiny , a fated man on a mission . But alas , alas , alas ; what an irony of fate that I have been captured by a demon before I could set out on my journey . Tell me , demon , in my place , could you accept such a twist of fate ? Could you accept being forced to serve a talentless trash as a cannon fodder ?"
At this point , Xuhan cast a dark look at the kitchen . Did Zhanxian really describe him as a trash to this edgelord ? No wonder his first ever conversation with the owl started like that...
"But perhaps this was also meant to be . Perhaps you shall be my stepping stone , the catalyst that will guide me on my way . Hmmm...I understand now , this is all a test from the heavens . For now , I'll choose to serve you . But I'll prevail one day and gain my freedom , demon ! Remember that !" The owl finished its lamentations passionately , glaring at Xuhan the whole time .
Xuhan clicked his fingers and cancelled the summoning spell , sending the owl back to his dao tower .
That was quite an interesting conversation . This new minion seemed to be an ideal main character type of generic xianxia novels , except he was trapped in the body of a bird .
Just like Zhanxian , little Tian had the general common sense of any normal human , but lacked the memory of how he had gotten them .
Han Xuhan had always been quite curious about his cultivation technique . It was unnaturally simple compared to most of the techniques he had seen so far . The most ridiculous bit was the enormous world of the red sun that housed countless souls .
From little Tian's words... could that sun be the heavenly river ? But how could a ginormous sphere like that be called a river ? Metaphoric descriptions , perhaps ?
Sighing , Xuhan shelved the clues for another day and decided to cultivate while Zhanxian cooked . He was tired . He just wanted to eat and sleep today .
