fiona sangster
patreon
weird ramble about feeling stuck and adhd problems
🕑 Added 2025-01-21 14:06:07 +0000 UTCyooo gamers, im having a bit of a weird time atm and thought id try just writing like a blog post or whatever. kind of weird ive never had a blog before lol
so i worked on the shane video for 2 weeks and im taking this week away from it to work on my q&a video instead cos i can make that in (hypothetically) a few days (thats what i said about the ranking video but then i ended up obsessing just as much over the editing lol). and im just in this weird stuck headspace right now. partly i think because im stopping and starting - usually its best for me to work on 1 thing at a time and finish it, otherwise i WILL abandon projects, cos i have trouble switchin focus, i like to be completely immersed in something. seb video took me 6 weeks and i was in that bitch the entire time
but also me and sam are moving soon. when? we still dont know !!! we put the offer in for a house 6 months ago and for months now it's been like any day now!! any day now!!! which is horrible lol. dont feel like its worth doing anything in the place we live now. this was always supposed to be a temporary place to live while we bought our first house so its in the middle of nowhere. literally you have to drive to the next town for there to be a shop. which is probably common in the US but here in the UK that's real middle of nowhere vibes. so its been this weird liminal feeling where i dont want to start anything, i cant feel fully focused on anything because literally any day we could get an email being like ok you're moving in a week!!! and its likely going to be soon bc our mortgage offer and the mortgage offer of the guy we're buying from expire soon so like it HAS to be soon, but still it could all fall through. we're just waiting on various parties to contact each other about "enquiries" and we dont know what they are and they're in control of our whole life :(
also i started a new medication so my body just feels weird idk
and its like im still having a great time over here. love life love my job love shane lol. but you'd think with the shane video it would just pour right out of me and it kind of does but ?? idk?? ive written around 20k words which is a LOT, thats more than the maru vid, its around linus vid length so 2 hours lol. and thats without even getting to the heart events. and that took me 2 weeks. is 20k words in 2 weeks a lot? i guess. not for me though. i mean ive been doing research and other stuff, im not trying to beat myself up (just had to throw a pen at my cats to keep them from fighting lol) but i know myself and it just doesnt feel right ? idk what it is?
a big part of it is the structure, im finding it so hard to organise all the information. i really like that i have a kind of formula - intro, likes and dislikes, relationships etc, then 2h 4h etc. but with shane its like the intro is 20k, i want to (dont feel like i have to. WANT to) include everything and its like where else do i do that except for at the start? but then, if i wanna talk about his relationship w marnie in the intro, we've then got the 4h scene and the 6h scene and the 7hpt1 scene... and its like at what point can i just lay out every piece of info about their relationship? i dont know. i dont want to keep half-introducing things and coming back to them later, and that would be hard to keep track of, but i also like introducing new info as it comes up linearly??
i keep feeling like i wish i had a big whiteboard but i cant GET one cos we're in THIS house and not THAT house and it might not fit in that house!!! like i feel like i need to be able to zoom all the way out but then, that has issues in itself, cos theres so much granular information. this is the exact thing my little teeny adhd brain is bad at. feels so claustrophobic in here sometimes. i also have that thing where you can't picture things in your head? aphantasia? so it feels SUPER small cos i cant like. get outside of it agh. and then i also have such a bad genuinely bad memory so i cant keep track of all the little half-introduced strands AGH. all just feels so messy right now, even the stuff ive written just feels messy and needs tightening up
idk. see im just in a weird place. i think its probs a normal part of the creative process yano. elliott vibes. you hate something before you love it. i have a video on my phone that i filmed for the behind the scenes seb video of me being like i am worried. it is too long. and it kind of was LOL. but like idk, i just feel tired all the time. the b12 was supposed to help me bitch!!! and its like i was gonna film the q&a today but im just too tired to like bring the energy yano. like all i wanna do is go lay down and read fanfiction and theres no boss here to tell me what to do so i might just go do that
sorry it feels weird to just be like......... complaining lol. venting i guess. cos i know its an insane position to be in. oh no :'( im having twouble wid my video :( im spending too much time in my widdle bed :( yano like people have JOBS. but then i guess it's like, when i was a game writer i had all the same issues. when i worked on love island they would give us 4 days to write a script and i usually spent the first 1 or 2 doing fuck all, then the last 2 days writing twice as fast as everyone else. like ive always been that way, thats partly why 20k doesnt seem like a lot for 2 weeks cos ive written 120k of fanfiction in like 3 months. although that actually does average out to 20k in 2 weeks lol but thats not my JOB you know? but then i guess im still in my fuck around phase. just have to let it marinate a bit. like, i'll get there, i always get there, otherwise none of my videos would come out and i would have been fired from every job i had. i'll get there. i think its just weird bc of all the aforementioned stuff and then also ive been hyping this up in my head for a YEAR now. the shane vid. and its like now im working on it - not every single second feels like pure unadulterated joy?? huh??
its a certain amount of powerlessness / helplessness i think. cos when im writing the scripts or writing in general its like, if my brain isnt working, no go. cant do it. editing, sure, but writing no. at a certain point in a day my brain just goes DONE and i cant keep going. and like today it never turned on the whole day its just been like DONE!!!! and theres nothing i can do to turn it back on i just have to wait. and its been turning on so infrequently and it makes me feel powerless. but then is that just self defeating. but then also thats how its been for like over 10 years at this point, thats just how it seems to work for me. like right now i feel like i need to go lay down and then ill feel better in like an hour and i might feel better but i also might not. just gotta do what my brain decides and hope it helps. fml having adhd is rly hard. but at least i dont work in retail anymore
anyway sorry, i guess im writing this partly as an update and partly to get it off my chest but also partly cos im hoping the comments will help or make me feel better cos you guys are so smart and nice lol. but then i worry its gonna come across as pretty entitled. let me acknowledge my privilege again!! i love it!! thank u for the privilege its very nice i like it. ok cool lol thanks
edit 22/1/25 aka the next morning - hi gamers omg thanks for being so nice to me jesus christ. jesus christ you guys are so nice its insane. i love how we all have adhd and suffer constantly 💖 so sam coded of us tbh?? but yeah in all sincerity thank u so much for the kind words, i feel a lot better today and next time i get stuck again i will def be back to read the comments again bc they made me feel so validated and less insane 🫂 we all get a lil stuck sometimes yano. no biggie.
Comments
Fiona Sangster
sorry im late too!! youre so right about the pressure - honestly its more from like an algorithm pov cos if you dont upload youtube is like >:( but im gonna put out a lil q&a in the interim so i think thats a good balance, letting myself do an easier video to balance things out!! A+ youtuber picks, dream blunt rotation tbh lol. thank u for the supportive words!! drinking some water in your honour rn <3
Shadow Cole
Sorry I'm a bit late and if I add/repeat anything people have already said but you're feelings are totally valid. Not only are you situational having a lot of stuff going on with house, but (and I'm not a content creator so this is just a guess) if I was one, I would feel like there's this pressure to put out content otherwise, your fans are gonna get upset or bored or whatever the case may be; and that feeling would get heavy, especially with more and more people being interested in the content. But, this community are filled with peeps that are so kind and would be very unlikely to feel that way!! We can see the amount of work you've been putting in and we appreciate you!! ^. ^ Second, a lot of the creators I watch like Folding Ideas, Jenny Nicholson, Shaun, Contrapoints take a good chunk of time between uploads and those communities understand that deep dives and well researched content takes time. Hopefullyy that helps ease a bit of that worry if that was there. Don't be afraid to take a step away from the creative process and do something else to reset your mind. Oh and don't forget to stay hydrated!! Cheerin' you on Fiona!! My popcorn maker is ready to be destroyed for when Shane video comes out haha ^^
Fiona Sangster
omg relatable, i remember the first time they let me work from home in my first game writing job i fell asleep in the middle of the day and its like damn if i cant be normal for THIS what CAN i be normal for??? (nothing) thank u, it feels so nice that people can relate. i wish we could all be cured but at least we suffer together 🫂
Christie
Work is work, no matter how cool the job is. Your feelings are valid, and also as a fellow adhd-haver, it ain't easy. I have my "dream job" or close to it and I can barely get my ass awake in the morning. Hope you find something that sparks your brain up again soon, whether it be this project or learning the violin or whatever
