Anamadic
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From Now On - Book 2 chapter 1 rewrite
🕑 Added 2023-11-04 05:13:31 +0000 UTCI took the day to think about the first part of the chapter involving Lily's mom, and gave the whole scene much consideration. I added a bit of backstory through dialogue and tried to make it feel more like an argument advancing to a fight.
I appreciate any more feedback to make this even better and more impactful.
Full page of Lily’s journey back home in the late afternoon. She arrives at her mom’s house and it’s empty. Lily begins to cry thinking of Danny. She jumps in her bed hugging her pillow, screaming and crying.
Lily’s mom comes home later that night and discovers Lily came home, but doesn’t confront her.
Lily goes to school the next day, looking and feeling sad. Barely able to focus on her school work or her friends. She comes home to an empty house, her mother is still at work. Lily watches TV, draws, eats dinner alone, and goes to bed.
The same routine continues till Thursday.
Thursday
Lily comes home from school, watches TV, draws, etc… Lily’s mom comes home and they have dinner in silence.
Lily’s Mom: “So, where were you this weekend?”
Lily: “I… went to Andrea’s house.”
LM: “Well, I called her mom. She said you haven’t been over in a while. Where were you?”
L: “I-I…”
Her mom grabs her wrist and pulls her in.
LM: “You were gone for three days, Lily! Where did you go?”
Lily looks down.
LM: “Tell me!”
Lily looks away, closing her eyes. “No!”
LM: “Why not!?”
Lily begins to tear up. “You’d be mad…” Lily starts to cry.
LM: “Fine.” She lets go of Lily’s hand. “Get out.”
Lily looks up: “What…?”
LM: “Run away again! Leave, just like your fucking father!!”
Lily: “Mom, I’m sorry about dad-”
Lily’s mom slaps Lily, making her let out a whimper. Lily reserves herself, looking down again.
LM: “You’re the reason he left in the first place, so don’t give me that shit. I was on birth-control when I had you, you’re nothing but a mistake!”
Lily stands out of her chair, raising her fist ready to punch: “I hate you!”
Lily’s mom stands up and shoves Lily into her chair, knocking her and the chair down to the floor.
Her mom walks to the front door. She grabs her purse and opens the door.
LM: “I don’t care where you go, but I want you out of this house before I get back.” She leaves.
Lily looks up to the door, still on the floor and lets her head fall.
Comments
Anamadic
Thank you for your feedback making this scene more impactful
Technosavy6758
oh god!! oh my god!! This is so much better in all the right ways. Lily's mom comes off as downright EVIL in this scene. If there was a more hateable, realistic mom in fiction i would be hard-pressed to find it. This is an extremely good upgrade. Reading this made my skin crawl and my blood boil and that is the kind of feeling Lily's mom should be giving off.
