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Book 7, Chapters 28 and 29
🕑 Added 2024-02-02 02:35:35 +0000 UTCSo, just a warning. This ends on a gold-plated, douchebag-level cliffhanger.
Warning 2: Patreon just borked how formatting works. So if this looks REALLY wonky, I apologize. I will try to fix tonight.
Chapter 28
“Well, don’t get used to it,” Donut grumbled as we stepped out of the throne room. “My Constitution still has several more spots to tick up before it hits the top because of my cloak, and when it does, I’ll be back in control.”
“I don’t think so,” I said. “All this stuff is based off of base stats, and the description of your cloak is pretty clear you lose the benefits over time if you remove it. That means your Constitution buff is an enhancement. Not base.”
“I don’t even know what that means, Carl. It sounds like you’re making it up.”
“Get this thing off of me,” came the shout, interrupting us. We stepped out to see Rend attempting to swallow the foot of the struggling, still duct-taped Sai mercenary. This one was a true NPC, and he, too, now had a Princess Posse banner over him. The large rhinoceros creature was listed as a Sergeant, and his name was Toyotomi. As we approached, the large NPC managed to free his wrists. He sat up to clobber Rend when I yelled at the both of them to stop.
Rend looked up at me, a line of drool dangling. The lace of the rhino’s boot was still in his mouth.
He gave me a questioning giggle.
“No,” I repeated. “I told you not to eat him.”
Rend made an indignant grunt and spit out the lace.
“Carl, as the new party leader, you need to keep better control of your pet,” Donut said. “He is practically feral. He’s a bad influence on Mongo.”
From the next room, Mongo let out an excited squawk, and Rend giggled excitedly back. Before I could say anything else to the psychotic little meatball, he jumped from the foot of the rhino and shuffled off into the throne room, presumably to help Mongo lick up the rest of the D’Nadia goo.
“He ate my boot,” Toyotomi said as he ripped the duct tape off his ankles. Sure enough, one of the sai’s boots were missing, revealing a round foot.
“Sorry about that,” I said as the creature stood. “I will try to find a replacement for you.”
The monster grunted. The thing towered over me. His black, pinpoint eyes bored into me. He reached down and pulled the samurai helmet onto his head as I examined him.
Toyotomi. Level 70 Sai Outpost Guard Mercenary Leader.
Sergeant in the Princess Posse.
This is a hired mercenary. The fee has already been paid in advance and extends to the end of this floor or the mercenary’s death. You inherited this contract when you defeated the Prism.
Toyotomi was once an honorable, experienced leader of Sai. He has since lost his way. His entire squad was killed during an unfortunate incident at the Desperado Club that you may or may not have been partially responsible for. During the club’s reorganization, the few Sai survivors were relegated to the mercenary markets, where he was quickly snatched up.
What stands before you is a broken creature. His utter failure to protect his friends against the demon haunts him. He refuses to lead men now, despite his great talent. He was just starting to gain his confidence back when a guy in his underwear and a talking cat walked in, trounced him, tied him up, and slaughtered the person he was sworn and honor bound to protect. I’m sure that’ll do great things for his self-esteem.
I thought of that fight in the Desperado Club. When Minge the demon had escaped the Nothing and tried to kill Samantha. The rhinoceros guards had been killed by the dozens. I remembered what Clarabelle had told me earlier. All the sai and cretin guards had been fired and replaced.
Thinking of that incident gave me an idea. A possible solution to a problem we’d been banging our heads against. I made a mental note to ask Katia if she still had Ghazi’s notes from the fourth floor.
“Okay,” I said to Toyotomi. “This castle will be impossible to keep, so we’re going to loot everything we can, break some stuff, lay a bunch of traps, and then flee back to our territory. We have a fight on our southern border that needs our attention. I’ll give you a choice. Do you want to help fight the orcs and the slimes, or do you want to help protect our castle? I think it says your class will help protect buildings? Is that correct?”
The rhino didn’t speak for a moment, as if he was contemplating. Finally, he said, “I was hired to help protect this castle, but my magic is for outposts, not primary palaces. If your castle is bigger than this place, I won’t be able to cast my Edifice Shield spell. Therefore, I am useless to you. Leave me here, and I will defend this building until I die. It is what I want.”
“Wait,” I said. “You had a shield over this place?”
He hung his head. “This castle is too big for me, but Warlord D’Nadia insisted. She had me keep a shield going anyway, and it tired me, so I could only do it in spurts. I was resting when you arrived, which is how you got the jump on me, I am shamed.”
I nodded. “Okay, change of plans. I’m sending you to Shanty Town.”
He nodded solemnly. “I will accept my exile.”
“It’s not an exile. We need your talents, and we’re stretched thin. Hang on.” I jumped to chat.
Carl: Li Jun, how’s it going?
Li Jun: Carl. Good work with the Prism. Working as fast as we can. No enemy activity yet. Been on the lookout for those invisible Madness monkeywrenchers you warned us about, but we haven’t seen anything. The Dragons who aren’t actively building are spread out watching, but it’s a lot of land to watch. We could use some of those new soldiers.
Carl: Okay. I’m sending a new mercenary your way. See what you can do with him.
Li Jun: Just one?
Carl: I’ll see who else we can spare, but Florin is getting hammered.
Li Jun: Will do. Oh, someone came by looking for you. It was a very strange encounter. I tried to recruit her, but the system wouldn’t let me. I told her to go to the base, but when she left, she wandered off in the wrong direction. She tried to get into Larracos, but it wouldn’t let her in. So she went to the bar. Same bar where Lucia Mar is still camped. I was going to check on her, but I’ve been so busy, and I forgot. Now I’m on the other side near the orc border.
Carl: Who was it?
Li Jun: A crazy old white lady with a shopping cart. She’s only level 23. Doesn’t even have a class.
Agatha. Before I could even think about what that meant, I got a new message.
Zev: Carl. I know I’ve been quiet, but we are monitoring. I’ve gotten a warning. This is coming directly from the Syndicate council. Prime Minister Glory himself messaged me. The prime minister!
Carl: Hello, Zev. I think we’re past warnings at this point.
Zev: We’re not quite there yet, Carl. We still have some control. The liaisons are still talking with the system AI, negotiating. Listen, this is important. You are not to interact with Agatha. This is a direct order. I don’t know why. If and when she appears, you’re not to talk to her. And I know your big thing is doing the opposite of what we ask every time, but I think this is something you should pay attention to.
Carl: Last time when I asked you about her, you told me not to worry about it, and now I gotta ignore her? She’s a residual, just like that guy at the homeless shelter. I was told that they’re harmless. Why the change?
Zev: I honestly don’t know. When you went off to meet that guy last floor, everyone was riveted, and it turned out to be nothing. We have the residuals in the dungeon every season, and they are harmless. I don’t know what’s changed. Everyone is on edge, especially now with what happened with Stockade and now D’Nadia. But he was especially urgent in his message, and I’m just passing it on.
Carl: What am I supposed to do? Pretend like she’s not there if she approaches me? If Imani or Brandon see her, they’re going to talk to her. She’s from their town.
Zev: Yes. Ignore her. We’ll try to intercede if she approaches, but I don’t know how successful we’ll be. The AI supposedly removed all its protections of the residuals, and they’re all pretty much dead, except this one. It seems to have a soft spot for her, kinda like it has for you.
Carl: And are you giving this same warning to Lucia Mar?
Zev: Lucia doesn’t respond to messages anymore. She was never my client, thank goodness. Did you know one of her dogs ate Mukta, back when she still had two? It was horrible. Mukta was an ass, and a party member, but nobody deserved that. I can still hear the screaming.
I laughed out loud. Mukta was the second kua-tin we’d ever spoken with. The one that was responsible for us getting put on the Maestro’s show in the first place.
Carl: Look, I don’t know what difference it’ll make, but I’ll do my best. I have too much other crap to worry about right now. And we don’t have time to go on that show Victory was talking about earlier.
Zev: The roundtables are part of the game, Carl. Everything pauses while you’re up there. It’s not optional.
Carl: Whatever. I’ll talk to you soon.
I waved the message box away as I started to rapidly place traps around the small castle.
As I worked, I thought of homeless Paulie and what he told me. Of what Orren the liaison had said afterward.
Agatha was a residual. A “hyperspatial” alien lifeform that entered the dungeon in the body of one of the planet’s host species and, normally, just wandered around until they died. The Syndicate had tried for generations to get rid of them, to no avail. But there were two kinds, and Orren told me Agatha was different than the one I’d met at the Florida homeless shelter.
I only had a rudimentary understanding what one of those sides—Paulie’s side—truly wanted. It wanted the crawl to end, at a very basic level, and they normally attempted that by trying to communicate directly with the season’s system AI. They would try to convince the AI to fight back against its “captors” and force the showrunners to either kick off the failsafe or decide future crawls were too risky because of how unstable these AIs were.
But now, Mantis scientists had discovered a way to make new AI systems that were more readily controlled. The AI we were using for the crawl now was the old kind, and therefore this was possibly the residuals’ last chance to achieve their goals, which is why they were finally making their move. Both sides were making their move.
I knew exactly how far they were willing to go to achieve their goals. I knew better, perhaps, than anyone in the galaxy.
The thing was, I didn’t know what their true goal was. The why of it all. And why and how the two types of residual were different. Nobody seemed to know. This blind spot was so, so dangerous. The fact the leader of the entire Syndicate was sticking his nose into this was telling. Something had changed since the end of the previous floor, regarding their understanding of the residuals. Of Agatha.
There were so many different parties mixed up in this, and it made my head hurt. The Syndicate council. The two different types of residuals. The Apothecary. The goat people from The Plenty. The Open Intellect Pacifist Network. Those crazy weirdo Nebulars. Hell, even Odette.
And those were just the parties I knew about. They all wanted something different. It was like trying to solve a blank puzzle while half the pieces were missing. And some of the pieces that were there were decoys.
Now Agatha was looking directly for me. Had asked about me by name. What did that mean? Should I try to seek her out, or should I avoid her? Did she know about what had happened between me and Paulie? About what really had happened?
I sighed, remembering.
None of that would matter if we let ourselves get surrounded by enemy soldiers. We had to get out of this castle. I resumed my rapid placement of traps as Donut shouted orders to everybody.
We couldn’t put traps in the throne room, but that was okay. As I worked, Mongo and Rend came stumbling out of the room, both covered in blue gore.
The moment they left, a new notification popped up.
Warning! A throne room you own is currently occupied by Dream enemy forces. If you don’t return to claim this throne in six hours, this castle and the associated land will be ceded to the Dream.
A timer started counting down. I reached over and closed the door, and I placed a freeze trap just in front of it. We’d left Mange the mercenary in there all alone. I’d dropped a chair for him along with some snacks. He had strict rules not to leave until the six hours were up, or if someone came and forced him out.
The other mercenary, the one for the Madness. I sent him out and told him to start walking back to his territory.
This wasn’t some grand, Machiavellian plan on my part. I didn’t know what was going to happen after we left. There was no way we could defend land that wasn’t attached to our main force. Not yet. If we let the Viceroys take it, they’d own a chunk of land three sections wide. I didn’t care either way, but I imagined none of the other members of the Bloc would be huge fans of letting that happen. And by making the Dream mercenary sit in there, it would at least force the other leaders to make a decision. If the Viceroy guy was as much of an ass as I suspected, he was going to make a move and usurp poor Mange out of that room. That would, hopefully, piss off Epitome Tagg of the Dream.
I had the impression none of these leaders liked each other very much. So hopefully this would sow a little discord. We would see. In the meantime, we had to get out of here.
I looked at Donut. “Ready?”
She jumped to my shoulder. “Two down. Who are we getting next?”
We needed to get the nagas, but that required a very delicate hand. The cogs of that operation were already in motion. We had a small special operations team put together to deal with it specifically, and we couldn’t make our move until we were ready. And we couldn’t make that move at all if our southern front buckled in on us.
I grinned. “It’s blob-hunting season.”
Chapter 29
Our new mercenaries wouldn’t fit in Party Planner. Toyotomi was heavier than a cretin and wouldn’t even fit by himself. So instead, we had them grab their transport and head straight for the border with Shanty Town. There were five similar vehicles, minus the armor plating, parked behind the castle, and we had them take them all.
We had the mercenaries head northwest toward the border of Shanty Town. There, they would enter the city and move into Posse territory by bypassing the Naga territory altogether.
There were a handful of guard outposts between here and there containing NPC guards and mercenaries that were now on our team, and we’d have them picked up along the way. Li Jun and Li Na were expecting them, with strict orders to separate out the true NPCs with the off-worlders. All captured off-worlders, now under the banner of the Princess Posse, required specific handling before we could give them a modicum of trust. We would have Li Na take care of that part.
I worried about the integrity of Shanty Town. We had a full battalion—the 107th White Dragons— parked in the makeshift town. But the town was shaped like a literal donut that could be attacked from just about any angle. If and when the attack came, it would likely be from several places at once.
Still, none of the enemy had bothered attacking the town just yet, likely because they figured it wasn’t necessary. Entering Shanty Town would open themselves up to getting attacked by Larracos’s defense system without a way to fight back as long as we were still in the game. Plus, the town’s rules were different. There was no throne room. They could only take it by killing me. The moment we were defeated, Larracos would open up if the Bloc truce remained in effect, and they could just raze the entire town like they usually did.
Still, the town was a nice, juicy target that bordered every slice of the pie. They could freely enter the town without restrictions or corridors, though, they’d still only be allowed to leave via their own territory during this first part of the battles.
It was just one of a million little things I now had to worry about.
Just south of the former Prism castle was a small shack, similar to the bait shack on our own property, which contained a saferoom entrance. I left a hidden landmine trap right in front of the door, and Donut and I returned to base using that entrance, something we could finally do thanks to the doggie door upgrade. Louis took Party Planner back the long way as well, flying over Shanty Town and skipping the Naga territory, and only after we warned them he was coming. No reason to risk getting shot down by friendly fire, especially since we’d just erected a pair of anti-air towers. Louis would return to the main airport over our castle, haul ass reloading the bomb bays, and get back out there to aid Florin.
“Do you think we can use this entrance now for a sneak attack?” Donut asked as we entered our personal space. “We can give the operation a special name like the other one. We can call it the Bamboozle.”
“Maybe,” I said. “But the bomb I left will probably blow it up if it’s triggered. If they find the trap, there’s no doubt they’ll have something of their own rigged up to keep us from using it to sneak back.”
The main room of our personal space was empty for the first time in a long time, except for the cleaner bot, which gave a beep at us as we rushed in. We would both take quick showers and then head back out there.
Rend started grunting and jumping at the food boxes in the kitchen. Mongo saw this, and he, too, started waving his arms, demanding food.
“You two just had sushi. You don’t need to eat,” Donut said. “We don’t have time.”
Rend made a petulant squealing noise I’d never heard before.
“Carl, control your... Hey, not fair!” Donut said, interrupting herself. “I can only be in the saferoom for like half an hour!”
“Ah, damnit,” I said. “I forgot about that. We won’t be long.”
The moment we went inside, the blood bar on my interface activated. The saferoom restrictions we’d faced at the end of the sixth floor had turned back on once the fighting started. Nobody could camp in saferooms for long anymore. The bar would drain while you were inside, and it could only be refilled by killing stuff. Mine was full, giving me about eight hours.
The cleaner bot gave an angry beep at all the mud and blood we were trailing on the floor. Donut moved off to her room, and I moved off to my own, Rend following too closely and bumping into my legs.
I was exhausted, and I had several achievements, but I didn’t have time to go over them. Still, I had that platinum 1914 loot box, so I’d have to make time. I’d get to it in a minute. I stepped over my “bed,” refreshing my exhaustion levels. I jumped through the auto shower, which cleaned my face and my clothes. I still felt dirty after.
I tried to coax Rend into the shower, and he refused. He was still pouting over the food box. I picked him up and placed him in the shower unit.
“Oh god,” I grunted as I lifted him. His little legs waved in protest. “How much do you weigh now?” He'd gone up to level 10, and he was about as tall as my knee. I wouldn’t be able to lift him for much longer. “Oh, quit crying. You’re filthy. You need a shower. It takes like two seconds.” I left him in the unit and closed the glass. He turned and pressed his face against it, looking at me with a pitiful, quivering expression while the magical shower cleaned him off. A few seconds, and it was done. I opened the door, and he ran out and started rubbing his giant face against my legs and giggling.
I patted him, thinking of Tserendolgor. “Once you get a little bit bigger, we’ll have you fitted for that harness I was going to build for you. But we gotta make sure you eat a few more bad guys first.”
He looked up at me and gave a menacing, hungry grunt.
“Good boy. Now get off of my foot. We’re in a hurry.”
By the time I peeled him off me, I had literally two dozen new messages I had to quickly go over. As I started to click through them, I realized I needed the map, and I rushed from the saferoom and moved to the empty flag room, Rend following closely. Now that the castle was built large enough to encompass the bait shack saferoom entrance, I didn’t have to go outside to do this, but there was a confusing line of twists and turns. Our castle was literally five or six times the size D’Nadia’s had been.
I went through the litany of updates from across the entire campaign. The map spread out in front of me as I checked in with each battalion in turn.
“Christ,” I muttered. The thing had just started, and it was a mess. Lights blinked everywhere on the map, indicating troop positions. We had seven battalions, and not all the battalions were all in the same place. That plus two dozen small, autonomous SOP squads of various sizes. Each of these was indicated on the battle map with an icon, like we were playing one of those hex-based tabletop war games. Looking at it all at once filled me with dread.
Tran and his 102nd Bulwark Battalion, plus Boomer and the 106th Bloody Leeches were settled back in their trenches at the southern border after they’d filled the existing enemy positions with Fill Trench scrolls and wrecked the remaining artillery batteries. There was still a lot of chaos as the former Prism soldiers extricated themselves from the remaining Bloc soldiers. Boomer was salty about us not pushing to take the Naga castle, and I didn’t blame him. That would’ve been the safest and smartest play, especially considering the additional NPCs we’d potentially gain. I didn’t care.
For now, the retreating enemy forces were scattered throughout Naga territory, and without a spy in their midst, we weren’t sure how they were handling it. I could see the positions of the new troops, and the system allowed us to give them orders. Tran was handling that. As he did this, he was also resuming his defense of the southern front while Boomer pulled most of the 106th and headed north to help Florin. A small portion of the battalion stayed behind to help mop up the loose ends of our first engagement.
Dong Quixote and the rest of our personal retinue were with them and would meet up with us at the northern front, with the exception of the cretins, who’d remained here at base.
Elle and Imani were back together and were also headed north. Florin’s 101st, the Crocodiles, were the main force assigned to the northern defense, and they were currently backed up by the 105th Scream Warriors. The 103rd Recon Legionnaires were also helping shore up the defense. That left Tipid’s 104th Naughty Little Piggies defending the castle and Li Na’s 107th White Dragons scattered around Shanty Town while they bankrupted our coffers building the city defenses.
I leaned back to take it all in. Despite how utterly surrounded we were, I reveled in the rare moment of silence. Silence other than Rend, who’d found something on the floor and was chewing loudly on it.
I thought about what had happened when we confronted D’Nadia. I’d seen my father in myself in that moment.
You’re scaring me, Donut had said.
I still needed to process it.
I never got the chance. Multiple things happened at once.
Donut: DID YOU OPEN YOUR 1914 BOX YET? I GOT A SPELLBOOK CALLED WAR CRIME. I’M NOT SURE IF I SHOULD READ IT OR NOT. THE BOOK ITSELF IS BLEEDING AND CRYING AND IT’S DISGUSTING.
Florin: Mate, we’re falling back. They’re throwing everything at us. They’re finally showing us their armor. This is the big push. Have Louis drop what he has to protect our retreat, but you should reroute the 106th to the castle. Once we’re backed out of the opening corridor, they’re just gonna flow around us and head straight for the stronghold. If there are enemy spies near base, this is when they’re going to strike. We’ll do what we can.
That was followed by literally hundreds of trap notifications, meaning they were already rushing past our first line of trenches. I quickly filtered it so the ones from the northern front were silenced. That left only one, and I felt a chill. I was already up and running before I finished reading the sentence.
Trap Message: Your Silent Alarm trap labeled “Home base Anti-Air Battery” has been triggered!
A moment later, the walls of the base shook with an explosion.
Home Base Anti-Air Battery has been destroyed.
Colonel Boomer: We just got buzzed by a group of flyers that ain’t ours. Moving low and fast. Headed toward our castle. They’ll be there soon!
Colonel Tipid: All alarm! Enemy in the base! Enemy in the base!
I was already running toward the outside when a second explosion rocked the castle, almost knocking me off my feet. The loud boom rocked the walls. Behind me, Rend called out, giggling, demanding for me to wait. I couldn’t wait.
“Rend, follow!”
Carl: Donut, meet me at the entrance to the castle! Be careful!
Donut: ME AND SLEDGIE AND BOMO ARE COMING. WHERE ARE YOU?
Your Castle Hangar Bay has been destroyed. Any parked air vehicles will be grounded until it is repaired!
That, too, had to have been sabotage. Our shields would protect against a dropped bomb. This had to be the missing Madness Monkeywrenchers. How did they get past our sentries? The now-familiar sound of pulse rifles started pounding across the base.
Colonel Tipid: They’re not bombers! They’re transports! Paratroopers inbound! They’re getting through the protections! All hands! All hands!
Goddamnit.
A line of local troop casualties started running down my interface. Dozens and dozens of them. Names of both crawlers and former crawlers. Names of people I recognized. How? How were they doing this? How were they getting in?
Donut: CARL, CARL THERE’S AN EXTRA DOOR HERE. IN THE SITUATIONAL WHATEVER IT’S CALLED SPACE. BOMO NOTICED IT. IT’S A DOOR FOR THE SAFEROOM FOR THE REAVER TEAM. THEY’RE DOING WHAT WE WERE GOING TO DO. THEY’RE SNEAK ATTACKING US USING THE SAFEROOM DOOR. THE BAMBOOZLE! THEY’RE IN THE CASTLE!
“Fuck,” I said, stopping.
Carl: Bomo, Sledge. Guard that door! Stay there!
Holy shit. When we exited the guild saferoom and went into castle via the bait shop, the situational space had turned into a long corridor consisting of multiple doors, all one after another in a long hallway. This was because of all the crawlers coming and going.
Even though we’d just been talking about this, it hadn’t occurred to me that the enemy could possibly have already used the bait shop. The off-worlder sponsors could also use personal spaces. They also could purchase a doggie door upgrade. Meaning if one of them had ever entered through that bait shop, they could come back that way. And since the bait shop was now literally inside the castle, we had stupidly given them access to the stronghold. How long had that door been there?
It didn’t matter now. That still didn’t explain how the paratroopers were getting in from above. Unless...
I cast Ping.
Dozens of enemy combatants appeared outside the castle. There wasn’t a single enemy dot inside I could see. Yet, I saw something that confused me. I quickly returned to the casualty list and saw a name. Felix Fr. He was a human a mage. A crawler from France who’d been a chef. He was one of several mages that had joined the former crawlers in building the shield around the base. He was dead.
Yet... his dot showed him as active. He was with a group of mages. They were outside the castle, in one of the defensive bunkers. As I watched, one of the blue dots next to him turned to an X. Then another.
What? What was happening? How could he be dead, but still standing?
Think, goddamnit. Confusion kills.
Brain worms. That had to be it. We had mages infected with brain worms. Was it one? Was it many? Didn’t it take days for an infiltrator to fully take over?
I thought of Chris, who’d been enslaved by Maggie. No, not an infiltrator. Felix was listed as dead. It’d just happened. This was Gondii. A Valtay worm.
I sent a quick message to Rosetta, who was nearby, telling her to take him out.
I still didn’t understand what was fully happening, and I wouldn’t ever understand if I didn’t get out there.
I ran toward the main door of the stronghold just as three forms rushed in. It was a human crawler and Bucket Boy, the young crocodilian medic. They dragged between them a former crawler. A yenk. The tall, hairy alien screamed in pain. The entire front of his body was a mass of red, where he’d taken a direct hit from a pulse.
I cross-referenced the names of all three with the casualty list.
The one on the left. The crawler. He was a level-58 human named Ernie Hernandez 2. He was a class called an Armored Mage. He was from Mexico.
He was listed as dead.
“Carl,” Bucket Boy said, his voice a panic. “The field hospital is overrun! We have...”
Before he could finish, I launched myself at the mage. I tackled the man, who let out an oof as I crashed into him. All three of them went down. The injured Yenk being held between the two called out in new pain as I formed a fist and started pounding the mage with my full might.
I punched the mage in the face, over and over.
“What are you doing?” Bucket Boy called. “What are you doing?”
When you’re punching a guy in the face over and over with a metal, spiked gauntlet, it doesn’t take long for them to die. It makes a big mess.
“Get back,” I said to the crocodilian, who looked up at me in confusion. I grabbed the arm of the moaning Yenk and pulled him away from the dead crawler. My breaths were coming in pants. “Get back,” I repeated.
The worm appeared a moment later. Bucket Boy shrieked and started to scramble away. The small, pink thing emerged from the gore of the dead crawler’s face, like an earthworm testing the air after a rain.
I stomped down with all of my might, killing it.
An achievement flashed, but I waved it away.
General Carl: We have brain worms amongst the troops. Everyone, cross-reference the guy to your left and right with the casualty list.
Rend finally caught up and moved to stand next to me. He took in the scene, seemed to shrug, and moved to eat the dead crawler.
“No, Rend,” I said, still out of breath. “We don’t eat our own.”
An ominous message appeared on my local feed.
Fall back. Defend the castle. Defend the castle. Defend to the death.
I clicked over to the local band.
General Carl: Unleash Tina!
~~~~.
Hey everyone! Thanks all for your continued support. Getting these chapters to you will remain my top priority, but I have most definitely been a busy beaver lately. Lots of prep stuff because of the kickstarter. I have Luciano working on the spreads for the special edition spreads. But once that’s done, he’s going to work on the cover for book 7. I have an idea already, which I think is pretty cool.
On Tuesday, I will be flying to Colorado Springs for the Superstars Writers’ Conference. Jeff Hays has a panel about the audiobook industry, and I suspect he might mention DCC. On Wednesday night I’m meeting some of you for dinner. That was all set up via Emily via Discord, so be sure to thank her for that. I’m looking forward to it.
Speaking of Soundbooth Theater, they finished the first season of the audiodrama! It’s pretty cool. You can check it out here: https://soundbooththeater.com/shop/audiobooks/dungeon-crawler-carl-book-1-episode-1-thank-you-for-volunteering-immersion-tunnel/
Finally, writing these chapters, it occurs to me the main stronghold castle needs a name, which will be added retroactively. What are some of your suggestions? I’ll take the best ones and make a poll.
Comments
Dresden
Why are there chapters seemingly missing? I dont see chapters 30 or 31 anywhere?
Justin Becker
I need a discord link
Mathew Ryden
How heavy is Rend for Carl to not be able to lift him soon?
Saskia
Late to the party but, stronghold name if Donut gets to name it: Persian Palace. A reference to her breed of course, and the Persian Gate was a historical last stand (Donut knows that because Carl left the history channel on once too often orso) but "gate" isnt royal enough for a Princess of course. That historical last stand was lost but that could just make for a funny exchange when somebody points that out to her. If Carl picks the name, something to signify the stakes and unity, like Fort Earth, or Fort Freedom, everybody united and fighting for the survival of their planet and humanity.
Keera thoughts
Love it, when u post 2 chapters and disappear into abyss lol.
Claire
a note as someone who would like to name a castle, i do see carl just naming it “the castle” and donut dubbing it “the waldorf” or some other gossip girl reference while carl was unconscious
Claire
a note as someone that has made this series their entire personality for the last few months, FUCK! i need MORE!
Sandboy OC
The tomb of the unknown crawler
Leonard Christensen
Dude! Any day junior 😜
DannyK
Castle Wolfenstein
Jamal Jahabar
Very true. When she was party leader, she named Carl, their saferoom and even the 'Royal Chariot' without asking anybody.
Sean Rutherford
Very true but Donut would make a big dramatic deal about naming it properly. Or she would just name it without consulting anyone else first.
Kevin Veldman
Ahh yeah the teleport thing. Forgot about that. Ty. They need to get to the next phase already, I wanna see the Gate used. And I'm DESPERATE to see them use "You're not done yet" on Stalwart
Hey Matt! I’m a huge fan and recently found your Patreon, you are a big inspiration and I love your work! I love the humor throughout the books and how much you appreciate your fans!
Jamal Jahabar
Abit late to the party but if they're in a hurry, Carl would just name the castle 'The Castle'.
ColdSun
I both love and hate that this series has me checking my browser daily for updates.
Sandboy OC
Take the meat bridge... ok, don't take the meat bridge
THOMAS ROGERS
I can't stop imagining Rend as Meatball from Aqua Teen Hunger Force ...
Ani-kins
Late-to-the-game fort name suggestion: "Fort Unbroken" named by Carl as he struggles to keep his mantra - you will not break me - while aware that more of the darkness inside him is getting to the surface.
One Winged Angel
Hey Matt im just gonna put this here: I absolutely love your work, this book has filled that spot that the hunger games failed to fill. Your book is the living embodiment of "WRONG PLANET ASSHOLES" and i appreciate what you do!
BJ
I wonder how many of those worms snuck in through Drik.
Tim McElrea
The princess palace, it would just end up being called the palace
Mark Macaré
The Pussy Palace
Magnus
Citadel Chonk? Bastion Blanche (For her favorite Golden Girl)?
CrashCanuck
I could see Louis suggesting Castle Greyskull, no one would agree to it, but I could see him suggesting it.
xlinkedx
Thank you! And I would freely offer the idea if he wanted it haha.
Maria Cobos Mateos
Very well written!! It would be so cool if Matt used this bit but I guess he won't for copyright reasons and whatnot. Such a pity because you nailed it ;)
BJ
Not until the next phase. Gate won't work until the teleportation locks are released.
xlinkedx
Now that we had a minute to breathe, I stood there, just watching the castle for a bit, taking it all in. Crawlers and NPCs moved in and out constantly, finalizing our preparations. "Oh! We've got to name it!" Donut said. "Let's see. Hmm... I've got it! We'll call it 'The Posse Palace!' What do you think?" "A bit on the nose, don't you think?" said Elle. "We should call it 'Carl's Cathouse,' ha!" I groaned. "We're not calling it that." "Absolutely not!" Donut protested. "That sounds like the type of place off the highway that lonely old truckers would stop at after a 20 hour long haul across the Bible Belt, and I'll have nothing to do with that! They pay those poor women for 'special favors' at truck stops, what are they called? Anyway, you know how I feel about truckers, Carl!" "They called them lot lizards. And don't worry, we won't be naming it that." I said. "That's right! Lot lizards!!" Donut exclaimed. "Miss Beatrice had that outfit she wore that one time she went to a rock concert that made her look like a lot lizard, do you remember?" "I remember," I said. "Why don't we call it The Anthill?" "The Anthill?" Imani asked. She had just arrived and was trying to catch up with our conversation. "We're discussing names for the castle," said Li Jun. "Carl was just suggesting we call it 'The Anthill'." "Yeah," I began. "I was watching the other crawlers just now and they reminded me of ants, rushing in and out of their tunnels." Elle chimed in, "Yeah, but, ants? Isn't that kinda.. demoralizing?" "Think about it," I continued, "no matter how many times a boot stomps down on an anthill, they'll always dig themselves out eventually and build it right back up. Unless you root out the queen, the colony perseveres. Plus, the way we keep tunneling under the enemy with our Build Trench scrolls, I don't know, I just thought it kinda fit. Alone, an ant may be weak, but when they come together, they can eventually take down massive predators. Even a mantis can fall to a swarm of ants."
Derrick O Bass
Sole Stronghold
Derrick O Bass
Toe-tally Secure Castle
Derrick O Bass
The Sole Citadel
Ilya Taytslin
That was Loita
Teal
Fort Juicebox!
Pascal
Oh Yeah that could be Well, time to start again I guess
FossilWreckers
I think that was Loita. Something like that.
FossilWreckers
That's one of his secret weapons. Something to do with the Tier 4 Training Room he had access to at the Crawler Con.
Pascal
Didn't Mukta die by exploding fake Donut? It was a whole thing with Orren appearing for the first time afterwards if I'm not mistaken
Matthew Sullivan
Just wanted to say that I love the books/audio and the new content. Keep up the good work, my only issue is your writing too damn slow pick up the pace ya lazy slugo, also we need alpha Carl back. Joking aside lookin forward to getting my merch in two months time.
Leonard Christensen
Hey Matt, if you read these bro, I think you are missing out on a prime chance at making some more funnies. Dude I have read everything so far but did I some how miss the reaction of the strippers being locked in with the slugos? They have to be a tad bit miffed with Carl 😂. Love this series bro
Michael Landesman
Mongo's Manor is pretty good ngl
Alice
Fair trade
Kevin Veldman
This is amazing and Louis should name everything.
Kevin Veldman
There's a popular theory on the DCC reddit that the coffee was laced with Upgrades. I'm not sure I buy that though. Paulie would need to have come with a fuckload of upgrades to lace the coffee everyday, since he didn't know when a crawler would show up.
Kevin Veldman
I laughed but I'm sending you a glitter bomb if this is the name 😅
Kevin Veldman
Matt has clearly never been a dealer. Addicts will follow you!
Kevin Veldman
I'm waiting so patiently for Carl to whip out the Gate of the Feral Gods. 29 chapters in, though, I gotta (respectfully) ask: CAN WE GET SOME GIANT FERAL MONSTERS, PLEASE???
xlinkedx
The Posse Palace
Levi
New Achievement!: Blue Balls Symphony! Not only did you get this reader’s heart rate elevated. You orchestrated a string quartet of emotions and imagination of what the f@ck is happening and then bam! Sorry honey, maybe next time. Reward? Nothing! Keep it up! Loving every bit!
Castigation Citadel
George
I'm not the most creative, but I was thinking maybe something like "The Cheese Grater", something that represents the end of days for cheese.
son of gaming
I would like somethin focusing on the shared hate of the system i.e. "The Syndicates Grave"
Fort Kickass. The Archer meme should be commemorated in writing.
CydiaMX
maybe to mimic the name of floor 8, something like remnants of earth or something along the lines of (__) of earth
Brooke M
Mordecastle for Mordecai
Joe Bou-Chedid
This would be funny
Christine Brown
Louis has named most things so far that are for the group (twister, new plane, Rend). It seems fitting he should name the castle.
Greg310
Ok, check this out. It would be super funny if in Carl and Donut's absence, someone (maybe Louis) finds a hidden main base control panel and changes the name to something completely cringeworthy, like Valhellya or Dope Fortress. And yes, its permanent. Carl and Donut get the notification in the middle of battle. Notification: Main Base name changed to X Carl: "What the...Godamnit" Donut: Begins epic tirade, "Carl if I was the leader things like this wouldn't happen"...etc.
Ilya Taytslin
I like it!
Douglas Erdman
How about "The Foothold"? Might as well play into the AI Fetish...
Arthur
The Donut Hold or Donut's Hold
Teal
Names: The Scratching Post or Zomp Crossings
Mark McIntosh
How about Konopissed? A reference to Konopiště, the castle of Archduke Franz Ferdinand. We've already had WWI references so it would tie in nicely with that. Also, the castle was known for having thousands of hunting trophies and we've all seen Carl's collection of hunter trophies.
Greg310
Anarchy Aerie Miriam’s Domicile Bastards Bastion Cerritos The Grinding
Joshua Ingersoll
The guillotine or the waffle House
Duke GIJOE
Dang I hate writing comments from my phone late at night... should be: Please check to see how much Carl really knows about Agatha and residuals. The entire time I was reading that blurb I wasn't sure how much Carl would actually know vs what was shared in epilogue or non-Carl ways.
Jay Prado
Fort Mongo
Patrick Turner
Castle name: Cheese grater
THOMAS ROGERS
Castle names: Castle Greyskull Alamo The Second Chance No Ragrets
Maria Cobos Mateos
And there has to be a short scene about it, about the moment in which they insert the name. Comical if Donut or profund if it’s Carl. FORT REGRET... I want so much to see that feeling in all of them. Not only the ones dying in the dungeon but everyone that’s watching at home, the whole galaxy.
Maria Cobos Mateos
Fort Nemesis, Fort Last Stand, Fort Scolopendra’s Pain, Fort Awakening, Fort Regret (because the aliens are going to regret what they have done). If Carl chooses the name it would be something like that. It is an important point WHO is going to choose. Donut, Carl, the AI?
Maria Cobos Mateos
I don’t think so. We know he got some upgrade pills and communication device from Paulie but the aliens intercepted that. It was implied that THAT was all but knowing Matt... nope. I would put my money that there were some more things or info behind the scenes.
E13design
Fort "The Meat Locker"
Donut, realizing how amazing it is that so many crawlers are working together, could decide to call it Fort Unity, so that it is everyone’s homebase, not just hers.
Dang_It_Bobby
Fort “Enter Name Here” lol they didn’t bother
Dang_It_Bobby
Or Fort Gross from Calvin and Hobbes. Get Rid Of Slimy girlS. Change the last word tho
Dang_It_Bobby
Fort name : The Cat and Poeny Show. Subtle dig at the show runners and Poeny for not being around, and, ignorant to the joke, inflates Donuts ego
Monkey D. Lucci
Fort Miriam. Miriam dom was a fortress of her own. Reminding the universe that she was not just another crawler, but a mother that protects her herd.
Christoph Hall
"Did she know about what had happened between me and Paulie? About what really had happened?" Do we know what really happened between Carl and Paulie or is that something we'll find out later?
Daniel Rue
Oh, right. With that said, it’s a tough choice between these options. I think my favorite, and my vote, would go to the last one, though the others are close behind.
Daniel Rue
While there are certainly some cool or badass names in the responses, all of these are awesome in their own right and feel 100% on-brand for this series. They’re not *too* weird, but just ridiculous enough to be something you can believe the characters would accidentally do.
Riyon Hutton
Princess posse palace
Matt Chisholm
Mongo is NOT pleased with that cliffhanger. Tina about to wreck shop!
Dylan
It sucks for everything except the premise.
Dylan
I was going to say princess palace but this is better
Dylan
Damn beat me too it lol
Dylan
The battle is really starting to become clear to me. Really getting psyched for the next chapters. Carl thinking about all the different parties who have interest in this specific dungeon was a very nice touch. I know whatever Agatha has going on isn’t pointless bullshit. Can’t wait for Carl to not do what he has told.
Matt Gomez
Your authority is not recognized in FORT KICKASS
Matt Gomez
oh this is a deepcut
Gotta name it the Alamo, or something that references a last stand sort of thing. This most certainly feels that.
Corey Pittman
I found a donut called “Tiger Tail” that combines two different donuts. Maybe something like that for their shared community against the crawl
Melissa Meitle
Point Defiance
Beth Rawson
It would have to be in all caps, though.
Robert Bloomer
Some else mentioned the source of the castle was from the Butchers Masquerade.. The Butcher’s Castle Fort Butcher Signet’s Point
Wedge
Her majesty’s HQ, I-X Center, interim
Steve Hansen
Would be cool if the castle inherited the name from the shield. The shield could have the same properties as a home router. Maybe one of the younglings hacks the shield to set the name…
Joseph Harris
Not the same castle. That one landed in enemy territory. The one they are in is one they built on their own.
Joseph Harris
Castle name: Gossip Hill.
JaykeTheGeek
Donut's Hole is by far the best, could have it be the result of an AI run public poll with some other equally barbed ideas.
JaykeTheGeek
If they picked the one you just said, he'd call it SLAPD
Patron sucks for reading. If that works better I would 100% rather try that
Dirty Dibbler
Depends on if the castle is named by the AI or Warlords. If AI i suggest Podophilia Palace (foot fetish) If it’s by the warlords I’d expect it to be named by Donut, so something like an Ode to her followers, Princess Palace or Castle Posse
Randell
What if Donut crowdsourced a name from the Princess Posse? Something way too long and all about agrandizing Donut? Like “Stronghold of the Loyal Armies of Princess Donut”? Then Carl says that’s too fucking long and decides to just call it HQ.
Marshmallow
Mongo's Manor. We will break you all. Carl's Tootsies (Donut deciding to mess with Carl) Crawlers' Castle
Assuming naming had to be done before the floor started, I think by default the AI would name it something akin to... "Fort Bare-foot" "Tower Toes-out" and maybe give a meaningless buff or something similar to those who take off their shoes.
Erik Leiden
Donut's Hole; Earth's Bastion; Mojo Dojo Castle House; Bloom's Lament
Eduardo diaz
Donut like Take, but I'm not a big fan of Rend. Separate from that, I think, in general, the pets are in a weird spot right now, either they are very close to being one-shot by most Carl and Donut engagements (which In fairness I think on average are a lot more dangerous than most other crawlers engagements), or the engagement is so different and weird that they can't do anything (think of the 5th floor ). The point I'm trying to make is Mongo and Rend (especially Mongo ) need Goofy Item. Join team MONGO! Mongo Overwhelming Needs Good Options For Fort Names: Castle Mongo
Rane Wallin
Casa Crawler
Randell
Ceremonial Home Of Donut the Excellent (CHODE)
Jonathon
Chonkfort Keep
Brandt Boulden
Defensive Operational Nexus Unity Tower (DONUT)
The castle originally belonged to Imogen why not call it Imogen's loss just to stick it to the NPC
Paul Jones
Thank you, Dan. I was AF. Wasn't sure what the CG equivalents were. Though, as it's largely a ground war with air support, I'd still go with camp/fob. But there's definitely call for Station.
Michael Hawkins
Isn't Brandon dead ?
Brandt Boulden
OK, the "good luck Jeff Hayes" literally made me lol. This is my new favorite idea.
Brandt Boulden
Oh, it's initials definitely need to spell something that Donut didn't intend. And that's what everyone calls it.
Rob Laflamme
The Donut Hole factory (just to piss off Donut)
Edward
Carl's Pleasure Palace
Vickie Rashvand
Absolutely loved this set of Chapters!
Jon C Salyer
Damn he was right about that cliffhanger
Keid
I love those last two in particular.
Castle Meadow Lark Break Point Castle Breaker Castle Welcome to Earth The donut hole Princess Palace
jrue
Maybe for that last one, Donut sneezed.
jrue
The castle name should be funny. What if, as they are figuring out the warlord interface, they accidentally hit submit mid-sentence, ending up with a nonsensical or funny name. Maybe a distraction causes them to mess up the name. Castle Princess D (because they hit enter early). Castle Goddammit Donut (they have to speak the castle name to enter it, but Carl accidentally shouts this and it accepts the name) Castle “What Should We Name This Carl?” Castle sdrk$$3ffffffffffsx (as someone mashes the keyboard, the rest of the chapter it’s referred to this. Good luck Jeff Hays)
Dan
I’d go wherever my fix is. .
Dan
Fort Faraz Brandon-berg Palazzo Miriam (probably not because of prepotente)
Dan
Chateaux de Beignet (French for…basically…Donut’s house)
Dan
Right? Donut clearly got to name it as the party leader. It has to reflect that.
Dan
Carl was in the coast guard. They call a lot of their bases “stations” or “sector” They also have a rack of training centers.
Grigorius of Tomsk, Devourer of Pop-Tarts, Victor of Many Battles
"Tipid’s 104th Naughty Little Piggies" 🤣
Alice
Castle McCastleFace
Lauren DeCremer
Formatting looks good. If Donut names the castle, it’s gonna be The Royal Palace of Grand Champions or something similar… if Carl names it, it would be a historic battle or military reference like “The Boudican. “ If the AI names it: Citadel Smush
Paul Jones
Might seem a bit dry, but I think it would be realistic. Carl was in the military. Main bases in deployed locations are generally called "camps". If they set up camps outside of the castle, they'd be Forward Operating Bases or FOBs. Carl is also sentimental and leans into symbols. I vote Camp Crawler with FOBs named for loved ones. FOB Yolanda, FOB Brandon, FOB Ferez, etc. I know it's not as fun or clever as some of these other names, but it's war time. Regardless of branch served in, Carl was trained for it. Naming conventions are not a priority, so he'd go with tried and true. And Donut may initially object, but not too hard because she understands how much shit they've got on their plate too.
Ilya Taytslin
I see nothing wrong with the formatting
Shawn Fairbanks
Fort Around and Find Out…
John Georgas
Box of Donuts
David Cline
Nice! Starting to really ramp up. TfTC's.
granndfunk
I say it should be something that Carl and Donut want to embolden their army with, something the current and past crawlers can relate to. My suggestion for that is "Firas Castle" or his last name as I don't think we know it. Something related to him.
There’s a point you wrote Brandon when you meant Chris! Great chapters. Can’t wait for the next.
William Magee
The Stone Tangle, if it’s supposed to be a giant labyrint
Emmett Stokes
Castle Glory Hall (everyone but Donut calls it Castle Gloryhole).
Duke GIJOE
P.S. Great chapters, and thread, damn you for the cliffhanger
Duke GIJOE
Matt, pressed check to see how much Carl really like about Agatha and residuals. The entire time I was reading that blurb I wasn't she how much Carl would actually like vs. what was shared in epilogue or other none Carl ways.
Peter Saucier
Shit brick villa
Steven Myer
"Your Princess is in Another" Castle Nice tie in with Princess Posse and as Pun as it gets!
hatmp
Her Royal Highness’ Fantabulous Castle Of Beauty
Matt Gomez
Versailles or Buckingham Palace --- Idk why but I feel like no one left has actually ever seen a castle up close and personal so someone like Ellie or Louis or Donut would suggest they call it Buckingham Palace and it would just catch on among all the Earth-born crawlers as a nostalgia thing. Also, were they calling the other factions cheese sticks in the previous chapters because they misheard when Carl called the Maestro a cheese dick way back in like book 1 or 2 lol Thanks for these chapters Matt!
Posse Palace
EliteGeek
I don’t know if you fixed it after. But the formatting looks good. I honestly didn’t notice any difference from normal on this post with it’s placement or formatting. Everything looked good.
Zauz
The Princess Palace seems like what donut would name the place tbh
Zauz
Where you lose 3/4th of people
Randell
Holy shit! Great chapters! Stronghold name… naturally Donut would have named it without consulting anyone. Here’s some ideas: 1. The Castle Of Cat Kingdom (when Carl hears that, he calls it the COCK and everyone follows suit. Mongo is appalled) 2. Dragonfly Inn 3. Stars Hollow 4. The UES Keep up the great work!
J Holmes
What's ream?
Tyler Vickers
Id follow
Ranen
Yeah. Gold plated crotch kick of a cliff hanger. Re: castle names I feel as though it should be symbolic to being the last fortress of resistance against the syndicate/crawl and also reminiscent of carls true motto “you won’t break me” -Fort Fortitude -Castle Carlheart -The Bird (a middle finger reference)
Jeff Thomas
I was just thinking how great a new chapter drop would be. Thank you!
alex
Castle name: the bakery
Kelly Cobb
Big cliffhanger warning: 😬 Actual cliffhanger: 😁
Parker Cobb
Great chapters as usual, sir. Thank you! "What really happened" can't wait to find out
Awesome work! Castle name: Donut Land but the D looks like Disney logo D.
Parker Cobb
Potential Castle names: Unbreakable The Royal Home of Princess Donut Tootsie Towers The Feet Fortress Earth's Hope The Cat Tower Last Hope
Kaci Rider
Ready to Blow. The name for the fortress, for multiple reasons. Thank you for the chapters!
William Magee
Thanks Matt!!
Derek Reilly
The Schadenfort. A place where armies meet their end.
Keera thoughts
Bhru, I made a comment in last post and u posted new chapters, sorry mate for rushing u It's just that this subscription costs me 1% of my monthly income, so was little frustrated, rushing a author is always bad, I apologise
I'm throwing Princess Palace in there, because I feel like the donut holes would overwhelmingly want to name it something donut related and Donut would LOVE that.
Matt D
Gahhh it’s not letting me pin this. I will try again later. I swear if I didn’t think I’d lose 3/4s of you I’d move this all to Ream.
xlinkedx
Let's go!
Bear Fender
Boo ya. Here we go.
Andrew Gerber
I just got the notification- then read your warning. God Damnit Matt!
