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BTC2: Chapter 47
🕑 Added 2023-04-06 15:01:00 +0000 UTC-- CHAPTER 47: Squeak --
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“You can break up with the bitch.”
There was that record scratch again.
Time skipped a beat for a moment. I didn’t pass out or anything, but it felt like my consciousness had blacked out for a second, a blip in the visual experience of my reality in sync with that record scratch sound. And I found myself blinking as the visual experience of my reality slowly swam back into focus.
A reality that included a beautiful woman hiding beneath the covers and crying. I lifted the blanket and gazed down at her.
“I dinna mean that,” Naimh muttered, pulling the blanket back over her face.
It took me a moment to gather my bearings, but I took a deep breath and then murmured slowly, “I think you did.”
“Nooooo,” she groaned defensively and shook her head while abruptly jerking the blankets down to her waist. And I found myself momentarily distracted by her naked breasts while she whined petulantly, “It was an impulse. A wrong impulse. I dinna mean it.”
I blinked to bring my focus back to her face. “I think a part of you meant it.”
“No… no… no… There’s no WAY I’d actually ask you to break up with Sam.”
“Except that you just asked me to break up with Sam.”
“Sam’s me friend… one of me best friends,” Naimh insisted, control of her accent slipping again. “You breakin’ up wit Sam would break up this special group of girls. I told’ya b’fore I’d ne’er break up The BTC just to beat Sam, and THAT is the TRUTH.”
I closed my eyes, took another deep breath, and mentally focused on calming my racing heart before exhaling. And only after I felt like I’d gotten over my initial shock did I open my eyes to find Naimh looking up at me pensively.
“I know you’d never actually ask me to break up with Sam,” I told her kindly. “But the simple fact that those words came out of your mouth proves that we have a problem.”
She nodded glumly and sighed, slowly pulling the blankets back up and sinking herself beneath them like a turtle withdrawing its head inside its shell.
“I’m the boiling frog,” I muttered with a sigh.
“Boiling what?” Naimh poked her head out again.
“The urban myth.”
“Oh,” she replied with an expression that clearly told me she didn’t quite understand.
“I didn’t notice your growing jealousy,” I explained. “I’m sorry. I should’ve done better.”
“Stop apologizing,” she groaned. “I should be apologizing to you.”
“For what? For loving your boyfriend and wishing he’d be better about making you feel loved?”
“You DO make me feel loved,” Naimh insisted. “Always have. You’re really good at it.”
“Not good enough to keep you from being jealous.”
“I know you love ME,” she complained bitterly.
I cocked my head. “But you’re upset that I also love Sam. You feel like she doesn’t deserve my love.”
“I’m a horrible person and a horrible friend,” Naimh whined, turtling her head beneath the blankets again.
“You’re not a horrible friend.”
“I am. All that should matter is how much you love me, and whether or not that’s enough for me. It shouldn’t matter how much you love Sam or Belle or Eva or anyone else, as long as I get what I need. And I do get what I need,” she insisted.
I’d heard the same set of words from her some time before. Well, not exactly the same set of words, and I glanced up at the ceiling trying to recollect the memory. “You once said it shouldn’t matter how much money the rest of us had growing up. It shouldn’t matter that we all lived in quote ‘mansions’ while your family was in a tiny apartment, that we drove fancy new cars while you had a beater Civic hatchback. So long as you had what you needed, it should be enough. And yet you couldn’t deny that some part of you would’ve been happier if the rest of us lived in apartments and drove used cars.”
“I’m not envious of the rest of you for growing up with money.”
“That’s a lie,” I stated softly, although I tried to keep my tone gentle. “And it would be a lie for you to say you’re not envious of how much I love Sam.”
Naimh pursed her lips and shook her head, her gaze pointedly averted away from me.
I waited her out, giving her a moment to collect herself. And eventually, she spoke.
“You broke me heart over a slip of the tongue. One minute I have me perfect boyfriend in me sacred core, iverythin’ in me life is perfec’ ‘cept for me da being a total arsehole, and the nix’ minute…” She spread her hands out. “Poof.”
I reached out to comfort her, which only caused her to flinch before she accepted my caress.
“One word, and I lose the most important thing in me life.” She closed her eyes, on the verge of tears. “And I’ve tried so hard since then, stressing out so much to be the very best girlfriend for you that I can possibly be.”
“You ARE the very best girlfriend. You’re a WAY better girlfriend than Sam is, that’s for sure. And that’s just one of many reasons why you’re Head Girlfriend right now.”
“But Sam gets away with putting no effort at all into your relationship and still keeps your love and loyalty. She lets a guy like Charlie put his hand onner waist, and somehow it doesn’t raise your hackles. You trust her witta boy you barely know that she probably sees more’n you an’ who’s half in love with her, but you dinna trust me with a boy halfway across the world who I hadna spoken to in months.”
I took a moment to digest that. Finally, I said the only thing I could. “I’m sorry.”
Naimh closed her eyes, and instead of reprimanding me for apologizing too much, she gave a short nod of acceptance.
“It feels like she’s the one you always want,” Naimh continued. “I know I shouldn’t complain about fairness so long as I’m getting what I need from you, the same way I shouldn’t complain about you living in a ‘mansion’ so long as I have a safe and happy home. But I just… I can’t help wanting what she has. What I thought I had before.”
“You do have what she has. I trust you completely.”
Naimh just shrugged as if it didn’t matter. And part of me realized that in some ways, maybe it didn’t. My Head Girlfriend had been carrying around a burden for almost a year that I’d carelessly placed on her shoulders.
“I ask meself if I should treat you more the way Sam treats you,” Naimh muttered bitterly. “Absence makes the heart grow fonder, right? Maybe -I- should find a new group of friends out there, spend all me time with them, and only come home every once in a while. That way, you’ll believe that the merest crumbs of time I leave behind for you are so precious that you’ll drop everyone and everything to savor them. I’ll make you miss being with me so much that you’ll fall in love with me even more for me absence.”
“I wouldn’t say I love Sam even more for her absence,” I said defensively.
“Don’t you? Maybe you really do have an Oedipus Complex. Not the part about big boobs, but that you’re programmed to yearn for emotionally distant girls like your mum, like the way Sam is treating you now. And that a devoted partner like me will always get taken for granted.”
“I’m sorry,” I repeated.
But Naimh just shook her head.
I took a breath and rephrased, “I never want you to feel taken for granted.”
“Well… I do. But that’s normal for you and your relationships with any girl where things are actually going well, I suppose. What was it that Alice said? The squeaky wheel gets the grease.”
Grimacing, I sighed. “I remember that.”
“Whenever things are going well with a girl, she gets ignored,” Naimh muttered bitterly. “It’s the drama queens that get all your attention. Poor Lily and Mari – both so sweet and uncomplicated – all they ever wanted to do was love you and be loved back like they deserved. But they never felt special, and now both are gone. Belle acts out like a spoiled brat and forces you to focus on her. And Eva was a wounded soul for you to fix, so she gets special Matty time even though she treated the rest of us like gum that had stuck to the bottom of her shoe.”
Naimh looked directly at me as she continued, “And just now when I kissed you, when I was angry and out of control: Admit it, you thought that was hot, didn’t you?”
I couldn’t lie. “Yes…”
“Damn straight yes. I felt more from you in that kiss than I’ve felt in a long time.” Naimh shook her head. “Squeaky wheel. We’re all squeaky wheels now, vying for your attention. I’m supposed to be Head Girlfriend, keeping The BTC on track and friendly, but in the background you’re sabotaging us by encouraging all of us to compete for your attention by behaving badly. If you don’t stop, we’re all gonna be nothing but a bunch of drama queens: me, Belle, Eva, and Sam.”
“Sam’s not a drama queen,” I insisted, and then I winced at the look Naimh shot me, realizing that taking Sam’s side right now wasn’t in my best interests. Still, I persisted lamely, “Sam’s simply… absent. A wheel that’s not present can’t squeak.”
“A missing wheel is even worse than a squeaky wheel. You don’t feel whole without her. Fuck, -I- don’t feel whole without her. Sam’s the one who brought me into The BTC. She’s my mentor, my friend. Sam should be The BTC’s Head Girlfriend, not me.”
“And yet you want me to break up with her?”
“I don’t know what I want!” Naimh suddenly exclaimed, throwing both arms up into the air. And again she burst into tears.
I quickly slid back down the bed, slipped my left arm beneath Naimh’s pillow, and then pulled her with both arms back into a spooning position. She’d started trying to hold back her tears, but the dam burst and the river became a flood. Naimh shuddered in my arms, sobbing uncontrollably while I did my best to soothe her with stroking hands and soft shushes. But in the end, all I could do was hold on and wait for her to cry it all out.
Eventually her tears ran dry and I kissed the back of her head. When she went silent, I took a deep breath, collecting my thoughts and my words. And rather than apologize, I tried a different tact.
Taking a deep breath, I stated seriously, “I should’ve gone after you last night.”
“Ya you should’ve,” Naimh sniffled.
“I know now that deep down you were trying to get my attention, and you didn’t know how to get it without misbehaving yourself. It hurt you when I went after Sam again, continuing the same pattern and this time leaving you crying in the backyard.
“Like I said: I expected you to go after her. I told you to go after her.”
“Because your brain told you it was the right thing to do. Because that’s what ‘Good Neevie’ does: she looks out for everyone in The BTC instead of selfishly thinking about herself.”
“Just like ‘Good Matty’ does everything he can to be the very best and most understanding boyfriend he can be instead of selfishly thinking about himself,” Naimh muttered to the ceiling.
“You and I are the same,” I stated quietly. “Both of us trying so hard to be selfless and take care of the people we love. And I’m sorry for failing you.”
She frowned and rolled back onto her right shoulder to face me. “You’re not failing me.”
“Aren’t I? What was last night if not a failure? If I’d been doing my job as your boyfriend, you wouldn’t have gotten upset with Sam or with me.”
Naimh now propped herself up on one elbow, the blankets sliding down the side of her body and exposing her heavy breasts. My eyes briefly yo-yoed down to them before returning to her eyes just in time for her to shake her head and mutter, “Stop that.”
“Stop what?”
“Being so understanding and forgiving. It just makes me feel worse for being a shitty girlfriend who’s being a drama queen for your attention. I’m the one who should be apologizing to you for getting mad. I was drunk and not thinking clearly… and I wasn’t fair to either of you.”
“You had one bad night. That doesn’t make you a shitty girlfriend. And the night turned out pretty well in the end, didn’t it?”
She blushed, and I could almost see her mentally replaying the post-party orgy in her mind. But then she took a deep breath and refocused. “Just so we’re clear: last night was MY fault. You ARE doing your job as me boyfriend. You’re an excellent boyfriend – to all of us.”
“As evidenced by how my Head Girlfriend in particular has been exceedingly happy,” I deadpanned. “For one thing, I certainly haven’t done an excellent job of reassuring you that you mean so much more to me than just ‘the spare’.”
She closed her eyes momentarily and sighed. “I know I mean more to you than just ‘the spare’. You’ve done everything you can to reassure me. It’s not your fault that I can’t get let go of a rough patch we had almost a year ago and to let meself believe you.”
“A teenage girl has self-esteem issues,” I deadpanned. “News at eleven.”
Naimh rolled her eyes.
I gave her a serious look. “You really don’t have to be jealous of my other relationships.”
“I’m not jealous of your other relationships.”
“‘Envious’, then. You want what you believe they have: Belle’s forever family ‘little sister’ bond, Sam as my Aphrodite.”
“And your first love. -I- shoulda been your first love,” she muttered thoughtlessly before grimacing and clenching shut one eye while staring up at me with the open one, almost hoping I hadn’t heard her.
I squeezed her and stated seriously, “You were my first love, remember? Does ‘the most gorgeous thing I’d ever seen’ ring a bell? I wanted you from the moment I met you, and I would’ve pursued you if it hadn’t been for The Rule. You were my first official girlfriend, remember?”
“Only AFTER Sam got your cherry.”
“Well yes, she’ll always be my ‘first’ in that regard,” I admitted. “But you were the one I chose to pursue a romantic relationship with.”
“And then promptly broke up with me after the whole ‘Conor’ thing,” Naimh winced at the slip.
I sighed. “I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing.”
“It’s just: I know I hurt you.”
Naimh took my hand. “I forgive you. I really do. We weren’t ready for a relationship yet, and it just goes to show how shallow your love for me really was.”
I grimaced. “While your love for me wasn’t shallow at all. You really did love me.”
“I did. I just… I didn’t know how to express it at the time other than with my body. I thought that by drowning you in sex you’d understand just how much I truly loved you.”
I sighed too. “I AM sorry about that, but I can’t change what happened in the past.”
“And you’re making it up to me the only way you can, by being a wonderful boyfriend now. Like I said: last night was my fault. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. And I was being a terrible Head Girlfriend. But Sam and I, we told each other some hard truths last night. Maybe I should tell you a few myself.”
“Isn’t that what we’ve been doing?”
Naimh smiled enigmatically. “Truth: That for all my talk of valuing The BTC above all else, what I really want is to be The Greatest Love of Your Life. I want to hold you and kiss you and fuck you to absolute exhaustion until you forget the names of every other girl you've ever been with.”
“Okay…” I muttered while nodding slowly.
“Truth: That when you and I broke up the first time, it absolutely destroyed me. I can never go through that ever again. I hiked out into the hills to scream. I put my fist to my mouth and howled until my throat was raw. Sank to my knees and just kept screaming until I couldn’t scream anymore. Then I just sobbed, wracking gasps that hurt so much I thought I’d cracked my ribs open, soundless shudders reflecting my broken heart.”
“Neevie…”
“Truth: That I AM jealous of Sam. Jealous, not envious. I fear Sam taking away from me what I believe should be rightfully mine.”
“You don’t need to f--”
“I’m terrified of Sam taking you away from me, Matty,” she cut me off, turning to glare at me with barely restrained resentment.
“Take me aw--” I shook my head. “Where would she even take me?”
“I don’t know! I don’t even mean physically taking you away from me. I just… I’ve put in the work. I’ve made the commitment. I’ve spent the time with you and the rest of The BTC. I love you with all my heart, and I want our roots to be intertwined for all eternity. But I close my eyes and have nightmares about Sam raising her hand when the priest conducting our wedding ceremony asks if anyone objects, telling you she’s ready to marry you now, and you happily inviting her on-stage to come take my place.”
“That would never happen.”
“It’s ALREADY happened. The FIRST time we were together.” Naimh’s eyes were shimmering with moisture. “Like you said: I was your first official girlfriend. But then what happened? I wanted to be with you, and Sam was trying to emotionally withdraw from you, and she STILL ended up with your heart! Who did you truly fall in love with? Sam. And maybe it was meant to be. You two really ARE amazing together. She’s happy. You’re happy. I don’t want to hold that against her, don’t want to hold it against either of you. But--”
“But you do,” I muttered at the same time.
“I want you both to be happy. Really, I do. It just feels like Sam always wins these sorta competitions, you know? She IS the competitive one, after all. I enjoy competing with her when it’s all in good fun, and when she beats me to something, I tell myself it’s no big deal. But then this voice in the back of my head whispers that only losers tell themselves that shite to make themselves feel better. It whispers that it’ll be easier to accept being one of Sam’s bridesmaids when she marries you and be content with always being a part of your life rather than get me hopes up of ever being more.”
“Neevie…” I hesitated. “You know we’re too young to think about getting married. I didn’t exactly grow up in a house that made me dream of blissful matrimony. I probably won’t put a ring on anyone’s finger until I start thinking of having children, and that’s years away.”
“Right around the time that Sam makes partner and can welcome you back and have it all?”
“That’s not fair.”
“No, it’s not. But it feels true. The shite thing about that is: I can see a future where Sam decides her career is what’s most important to her, so she stands back to let you be happy with a wife who prioritizes you. But even then I’d feel like second place. I wouldn’t have earned the right to be your wife. She’d still be the one you wanted, only she was too busy for you and handed you off to me instead.”
I winced. “You’d feel like Sam still won the competition.”
Naimh gave me a pained look. “Why the fuck do you keep following after her like she’s a goddess made human on Earth? What’s she got that’s so much better’n me?”
“Nothing. Absolutely nothing,” I assured her.
But Naimh shook her head, and her voice cracked as she burbled, “I dinna b’lieve ya.”
I took a deep breath and sighed. “Why are we even talking about marriage? We’re teenagers, Neevie. We’re freshmen in college with our whole lives still ahead of us. Can we please focus on the here and now for a little while? YOU are my Head Girlfriend. YOU are the center of my romantic life. When was the last time I went on a date with Sam? When was the last time I went on a date with Belle? We spent three nights in a row together last week – just you and me. I spend twice as much one-on-one time with you than anyone else… maybe even everyone else combined. I love you and I love being with you and I want our roots to be intertwined for all eternity because I love you and I love being with you and I can’t imagine ever NOT being with you because you are an amazing girlfriend – the best – and I’m running out of ways to try and convince you of how much I want to be with you! What do you want me to do?!?”
Naimh was already laughing like a crazy person. “I told you already: Break up with the bitch.”
Her words were the same as before, but at least this time it was clear she didn’t really mean them. Still, Naimh shook her head sadly at the futility of the situation and gave me another pained look that broke my heart.
“Do you really believe that Sam can just waltz back into our lives and reclaim the top spot?”
“Can’t she?”
I sighed. “I know it feels like she’s done that to you before. I know that even though you always say it’s not a competition, it really IS a competition – one that you feel like you’ve lost more often than you’ve won.”
Naimh’s eyes were moist as she pursed her lips, rolled onto her back again, and silently returned her gaze to the ceiling while clutching the blankets over her chest once more.
“These are the lies we tell to try and pretend we’re not hurting inside,” I stated softly. “The lies we tell trying to be selfless and supportive for the sake of the ones we love.”
“It’s not a lie that I choose to put the greater good of The BTC above me selfish desire to have ya’all to meself,” Naimh stated emphatically. “I will NOT break up this group of special friends just to beat Sam.”
“I didn’t say that was a lie. But you can’t deny that you’ve been trying to hide your true feelings about our situation rather than let on how much you’ve been hurting inside.”
“Burying a negative feeling still isn’t the same thing as lying.”
“Lying by omission, perhaps. You lie to me, lie to everyone else when deep down you struggle with self-doubt and trying not to fall apart.”
“I am falling apart,” she confessed.
I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. “I won’t apologize because right now you don’t want me apologizing. Instead, I’m going to focus on how you and I can make things better. I want to understand how I can better be whatever you need me to be.”
“You already ARE what I need you to be,” she insisted while shaking her head. “The problem is with ME. I’M not being who YOU need me to be.”
“I think you’re doing a GREAT job being who I need you to be.”
“The Neevie you need me to be wouldn’t be jealous – or envious - of the other girls. The Neevie you need me to be would understand that you being what Sam needs you to be - and what Belle needs you to be, and what Eva needs you to be – doesn’t prevent you from being what -I- need you to be.”
“Well, it certainly takes time away from you.”
“I get enough time with you.”
“Do you?”
“I do. And that’s the point: I don’t need you to change. I need ME to change. I need to be less selfish and greedy. I need me to trust you when you reassure me you love me and that we’ll always be together. I need me to let you do what you need to do for Sam without feeling like it’s a competition I’m losing. I need me to stop having evil thoughts about misbehaving on purpose to be a squeaky wheel and get more of your attention.”
“So you DO want more of my attention?”
“No! Yes! FUCK!!!” Naimh buried her face in her hands and started sobbing despondently again.
“A teenage girl isn’t sure what she wants. News at eleven.”
“Isnot funny you right-shite-fookin’-BASTARD!” Naimh roared as she spun around and started slapping me, but I was already laughing and blocking her hands away before bear-hugging her against my chest. She stopped slapping and started desperately clutching me like I was her last lifeline. And although the tears kept spilling from her eyes, her lips were curled upward in a smile.
“It’s okay to not have all your shit together right now,” I told her quietly. “It’s okay to want to put your friends first but then also need to have something for yourself. It’s okay to want your friends to be happy but then need to be happy yourself. You don’t need to feel guilty for wanting what you want.”
“I WANT to feel guilty for wanting you to break up with Sam,” she moaned into my chest, ducking her head lower in shame. “I SHOULD feel guilty for that, and if I ever DON’T feel guilty about something like that, then something would be VERY wrong with me and I wouldn’t DESERVE to be your girlfriend anymore.”
I sighed and stroked her spine. “But you don’t need to feel guilty for believing you deserve more of my attention than you’re currently getting. You HAVE been amazing and attentive and loving and loyal and being one of the few things in my life that ISN’T squeaking and causing me additional stress.”
“I’m certainly squeaking right now.”
“And that’s okay too. Squeak up when you need to. Please.”
Naimh pulled her head back to look at me face-to-face. “Did you just say ‘squeak’ up?”
I grinned. “If it works, it works. Seriously: squeak up. Don’t bury your true feelings. Don’t lie to me about being alright when you aren’t really alright.”
Naimh frowned. “You do hear the words coming out of your mouth, don’t you? How can you say these things to me when you bury your true feelings with Sam every day?”
“That’s different.”
“No, it isn’t.” She looked at me seriously.
“Can we not talk about Sam? She’s not here. I want to talk about you.”
“We have been talking about me. But we haven’t gotten to your hard truths, Matty. And here’s one for you: Until you get right with Sam, things will never be the same with The BTC. And as Head Girlfriend, I feel like I’ve been a failure for letting this go for so long.”
“Neevie…”
“Nuh-uh. I’ve been honest with you. Now it’s your turn.” She paused to make sure she had my undivided attention. “Are you really okay with your relationship with Sam right now?”
I took a deep breath and paused for a moment to collect my thoughts. “Truth: I am NOT okay with how little time Sam spends with me. I put up with it for her sake. I swallow my pain and lie to her face that everything’s alright. But I choose to lie for her sake. The girls call it ‘enabling’, but I don’t agree with the negative connotation around the term. As far as I’m concerned, I’m just doing my best to be a great boyfriend: supportive and loyal despite Sam focusing on her career. I ask her if she’s sinking or swimming, and she assures me she’s swimming. She tells me all the time that she’s only swimming – and succeeding - because she knows I’ve got her back. Because she knows I’ll always be there to be whatever she needs me to be. Because I love her.”
Naimh took a deep breath but didn’t say anything, waiting me out.
“If it was just about me, I wouldn’t change a thing,” I continued. “If it were only about my relationship with Sam, I would continue supporting her in every way I could to help her achieve whatever goals she sets out for herself. Professional athletes, high-powered executives, famous celebrities: the world is full of successful relationships where one partner is always busy and always on the move, and the other partner stays home and out of the limelight doing everything they can to make it work. It’s just that when it’s the guy who is always out and about and the wife is the one waiting in the wings, nobody bats an eyelash.”
“This isn’t a sexism thing,” Naimh insisted. “This is about one partner (Sam) not pulling her own weight in a relationship, and not just her relationship with you, but her relationships with the rest of us as well.”
“So like I said: If it was just about me, I wouldn’t change a thing.”
“But it’s not just about you.”
“Sam’s being a shitty friend to the rest of you, and I’m guessing that topic comprised a good chunk of your one-on-one conversation with her last night.”
Naimh nodded. “She promised to be a better friend. She promised to spend more time with us, and she made a point of socializing with the group and being part of The BTC last night. I’m sure you noticed.”
I nodded. “It was nice to see her genuinely enjoying herself with everyone and not simply ‘going through the motions’ or anything like that.”
“She was good for one night,” Naimh muttered darkly while tilting her head to look up at me. “It remains to be seen whether or not she can actually follow through. Plus, she saw no need to apologize for having another set of friends. Law is her chosen career, networking is an important part of that, and she said plainly that she’s gonna do what she needs to do to succeed.”
“I don’t see a need for her to apologize for that, either,” I insisted. “She’s allowed to have other friends. She’s allowed to choose how to divide up her time.”
“Just like you’re allowed to tell her your true feelings about how much you’ve been hurting inside.”
I pursed my lips and sighed at Naimh turning my own words back around on me.
“She knows that you’re lying to her face about being alright with how things are going you know.”
I blinked. “She does?”
Naimh nodded without turning to face me. “Of course she does. She knows you wish she spent more time with you. She sees the strain you’re under. She wishes she could be a better girlfriend. She feels guilty about neglecting you and believes you deserve better, but she chooses to believe you when you tell her everything is alright and that you’ll love her forever.”
“I will love her forever,” I insisted. “And yet you say she knows I’m lying about being alright?”
“‘Alright’ is a… flexible term. I guess if you’re ‘alright’ enough to lie to her face about being alright, then you must be ‘alright’ enough to keep the relationship from falling apart.” Naimh sighed. “I don’t know that I could stand the guilty feelings the way she does. I guess that’s just one more thing in which she’s better than me. She’s better at choosing to believe your reassurances rather than let self-doubt undermine her confidence.”
“I don’t know if that’s something that necessarily makes her better.”
“It hasn’t stopped her, has it?”
“No. And I’m sorry if this sounds like I’m taking her side, but if you’re being honest, if you had the choice, would you really want to trade places with her?”
That seemed to strike the mark. I could tell that Naimh had never thought of that before. “No,” she told me. “I’d rather be in your arms every night.”
I sighed, “And that’s why she needs us. As bad as a friend and girlfriend as she’s been. You were the one who said Sam knows I’m straining a bit, but she chooses to believe that if I’m alright enough to lie to her face about being alright, then I must be alright enough to keep our relationship from falling apart. She’s focused on her goals, walking this tightrope balance between student and girlfriend, and can only put so much energy into me without risking the student side. So even though I’m putting up a brave front and telling her little white lies, and she knows I’m putting up a brave front and telling her little white lies, it’s working.”
“For now.”
I sighed. “You telling me little white lies that you would always put The BTC first and didn’t need to feel competitive with Sam worked, didn’t it?”
“Until it didn’t anymore.”
“And here we are.”
“Squeak-squeak. Am I cute when I squeak?”
“You’re cute all the time, Squeakers.” I gave my freckled redhead an affectionate rub.
“Did you just call me ‘Squeakers’?”
“Don’t like it?”
She brightened. “I kinda do, actually.”
“You did say you wanted a cute nickname.”
“I complained about not having a Slut nickname.”
“You can be my Sacred Buttslut AND my Squeakers.”
She grinned. “Works for me.”
I gave her another tight hug and hummed, “I love you, Squeakers.”
“Don’t overdo it,” she scolded lightly, and then giggled.
I chuckled and took a deep breath. “Okay, back to the topic. In all seriousness: the difference between my little white lies to Sam and your little white lies to me is that you’ve reached your breaking point. I haven’t.”
“You haven’t reached your breaking point yet.”
“Maybe not ever.”
Naimh’s eyes tightened. “That’s not a little white lie. That’s just plain lying to yourself, Matty.”
“I’m not--”
“You’re closer to your breaking point than you think,” she said with obvious concern. “We all see it. Belle’s been saying it all along.”
“I think Belle’s overstating the issue a bit.”
“If Belle were overstating the issue, Sam would be defending herself. But do you ever see Sam defending herself? No. Deep down, Sam believes she deserves Belle’s needling. Just the cost of doing business the way she does. But me finally getting up in her face last night and telling her to shape up or get the fuck out? I think that got her attention.”
“You got up in her face last night?”
Naimh nodded.
“Do you think she’s gonna change?” I asked with arched eyebrows.
“Like I said: remains to be seen. Sam’s always seen the strain you’re under, but she chooses to believe the polite fiction you tell her because you’re right: it’s been working for her so far.” Naimh’s jaw set. “What’s ironic is that while I’m here trapped in my own insecurity and always fearing you’ll leave me, Sam is overly confident in the security of your relationship. She’s never seen your real emotions after she’s gone. I’M the one at home who spends her time and energy soothing you right after she leaves. I’m the one distracting you away from your troubles with me nekkid boobs.”
“They are spectacular boobs,” I agreed, pointedly leaning back so I could get a better view at them.
Naimh giggled, but then she sighed, tightening her arms to bring us closer together and keep my gaze focused on her face. “I’m only tempted to abandon you and make you pine after me the way you pine after her because I can see how much her absence makes your heart grow fonder. I’m not actually gonna abandon you, because I know it would hurt you and I’m NOT gonna hurt you, understand?”
“Thank you. I mean that.”
“But from MY point of view, you are FAR closer to your breaking point than you realize. I’ve seen you calling ‘I love you’ out the door and then looking crestfallen when you don’t hear her say it back. I remember you burning breakfast.”
“Burning breakfast was a one-time accident. And Sam’s been very good about always calling ‘I love you too’ back to me, whether I can hear it or not.”
“Stop. Lying. To yourself. Just stop. You’re good at shunting away your negative emotions and focusing on all the girls around you, but you’re not immune to pain. Belle sees it. I see it. I really hope Sam believes us now. I really hope she follows through and makes a change. Because I told her: she’s gonna lose you if she keeps on the way she’s doing, and I’m gonna take the top spot.”
I frowned. “Doesn’t Sam WANT you to take the top spot?”
Naimh scoffed. “Yeah, that’s Sam lying to herself. She’s always been number one in your heart, and she’ll always want to stay that way.”
“But don’t YOU want the top spot?”
“Yes and no.” Naimh sighed and gave me a wry grin. “I know, I know: Teenage girl doesn’t know what she wants. News at eleven.”
“So what now, Head Girlfriend?”
“I don’t know. Do you know what to do?”
I sighed and rubbed the top of my head. “Two teenagers in love aren’t sure what to do. News at eleven.”
“I guess we both gotta stop lying to ourselves. We gotta stop lying to our friends. I’m gonna ‘squeak up’ more often and tell you how I really feel. You gotta squeak up more often and tell Sam how you really feel. I get what you mean about trying to save our friends’ feelings with little white lies. But at the end of the day, if we can’t tell our friends the truth, how good a friend are they really?”
I nodded. “That’s a very good point. And just one more of many reasons why you make an excellent Head Girlfriend.”
Naimh grinned and leaned back before hefting her naked boobs. “And I got two more good reasons right here.”
I grinned. “You’ll get no argument from me. And since you brought up two very good points…”
“It is chilly in here this morning!”
I groaned but kept going. “Since you’ve given me two very good reasons, let me give you a second as well. Do you realize that we’ve been awake for twenty minutes, we’re both naked, and instead of ignoring our problems and pretending everything is okay by humping like nympho bunnies on ecstasy, we’ve spent the past twenty minutes having a deep and meaningful conversation?”
Naimh blinked. “We did, didn’t we?”
“We did! Don’t you see? You don’t have to be scared anymore. What happened at the end of our first relationship? It no longer applies. ‘Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away.’ Maybe we did take a step backwards last night, but look at how far we’ve come. Right here, right now: both of us knowing that we love each other despite neither of us showing our best face.”
I took the most beautiful thing I’ve ever loved by the hand as she looked back at me in awe.
“Everything you’ve done these past months - all the hard work you’ve put into me, into us. It’s working.”
Something snapped in my freckled redhead and she actually fanned herself with her free hand. “Matty? Would it be backsliding if I said I needed to do that whole ‘humping like nympho bunnies on ecstasy’ thing right now?
I opened my arms, “All you have to do is say it.”
With a delighted cry of “Squeak!” she leapt into my arms.
The impact knocked me over, not that I minded. But after a few moments of being ravished by horny teenage lust, I looked up to find the most beautiful thing I’ve ever loved had stopped and was looking down at me with a sober expression.
“Truth: the biggest lie I ever told was one I repeated just a few minutes ago,” she stated quietly.
I blinked in surprise. “What’s that?”
“I wanna marry you, Matty. I do. I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. For all eternity.”
I arched an eyebrow. “That’s not a lie.”
“No, it isn’t. The lie is that I’d never break up The BTC just to beat Sam. Because if it came down to it, I would. Don’t get me wrong: I want Belle and Sam to be with us too. But at the end of the day, you belong to ME, Matty,” Naimh growled with emerald fire in her eyes. “And I won’t settle for anything less.”
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The next chapter will post on April 10th. For anyone who can't wait, VIP Tier has a 7-chapter lead.
Remember that all authors thrive on feedback, so let me know how you're enjoying the story! Leave a comment here or come chat with us on Discord! And be sure to connect your Discord account here on the Patreon website to get access to the Patron-Only channels! https://discord.gg/fg3m6MdfN9
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TABLE OF CONTENTS:
Prologue: https://www.patreon.com/posts/71728519
1: The BTC: https://www.patreon.com/posts/72025149
2: Hoalauna: https://www.patreon.com/posts/72223456
3: E10: https://www.patreon.com/posts/72430053
4: Leeloo: https://www.patreon.com/posts/72666527
5: The Fifth Element: https://www.patreon.com/posts/72902773
6: Lily: https://www.patreon.com/posts/73108177
7: The Hangover: https://www.patreon.com/posts/73327728
8: Quality Time: https://www.patreon.com/posts/73537602
9: The Favor: https://www.patreon.com/posts/73743971
10: Ku'uipo: https://www.patreon.com/posts/73960083
11: The R-word: https://www.patreon.com/posts/74160968
12: The Beach: https://www.patreon.com/posts/74331272
13: Into the Blue: https://www.patreon.com/posts/74511756
14: Out of the Blue: https://www.patreon.com/posts/74672038
15: Evelynn: https://www.patreon.com/posts/74846201
16: Liliana: https://www.patreon.com/posts/75008008
17: Envy: https://www.patreon.com/posts/75158976
18: Eva: https://www.patreon.com/posts/75398806
19: Head Girlfriend: https://www.patreon.com/posts/75611460
20: Halloween: https://www.patreon.com/posts/75811675
21: Unexpected Feelings: https://www.patreon.com/posts/76028183
22: Just Sex: https://www.patreon.com/posts/76230936
23: Aikane: https://www.patreon.com/posts/76406386
24: Delicate: https://www.patreon.com/posts/76668310
25: Confidante: https://www.patreon.com/posts/76905187
26: Permission: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77058166
27: Kai: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77256672
28: Isabela: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77443591
29: Cosplay: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77616710
30: Kipona Aloha: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77803402
31: Going Through the Motions: https://www.patreon.com/posts/77984937
32: Angel: https://www.patreon.com/posts/78210249
33: Thanksgiving: https://www.patreon.com/posts/78395435
34: The Little Mermaid: https://www.patreon.com/posts/78573176
35: In Committee: https://www.patreon.com/posts/78764536
36: Home: https://www.patreon.com/posts/78939803
37: Twinkle, Twinkle: https://www.patreon.com/posts/79133663
38: Past: https://www.patreon.com/posts/79316426
39: Burnt: https://www.patreon.com/posts/79539913
40: Chera: https://www.patreon.com/posts/79722939
41: Stress Relief: https://www.patreon.com/posts/79903325
42: Tempted: https://www.patreon.com/posts/80095066
43: Envy II: https://www.patreon.com/posts/80271094
44: The Garage: https://www.patreon.com/posts/80467625
45: The Boiling Frog: https://www.patreon.com/posts/80653044
46: Drunk and Delirious: https://www.patreon.com/posts/80906016
Comments
Ron Johnson
Sure it's going to resolve itself. By one getting the gold ring (presuming Matt marries one of them, and I think BDA gave it away early in BTC that Matt winds up with Neevie).
Ron Johnson
"Sam is NOT being a horrible girlfriend... she is doing EXACTLY what she said she was going to do." The problem is that you _can't_ carry 21 hours, head the Writing Committee and network while being a good boy- or girlfriend. There's neither enough time in the week nor enough mental capacity to do it. SOMETHING must be sacrificed, and Sam sacrificed being a good girlfriend.
Jon
This is pretty much exactly my thoughts. All readers here are already ready to suspend their disbelief at the absurdity of the characters romantic relationships, yet so much time is spent re threading the same grounds over and over again to try and give rational reasons for things that are complete fantasy. A good chunk of the ASL series posted here really suffered for it. BTC has been and still is much less serious and has been better for it.
JC
that's a huge leap from one accent.
JC
I disagree with all of this - this is just incorrect on all counts
Uppercase
Also, stop spelling out the accent of Niamh, unless you are going to start spelling the accents of the Asian and Hispanic characters too. It breaks the immersion of the reader and undercuts the seriousness of her emotions by making her seem stupid or illiterate, and when it is only done for people of a certain race, it becomes racist to boot.
Uppercase
Good dialogue serves a purpose, it has meaning, and tells you something about the characters. Instead of good dialogue, we get a constant stream of contradictions and corrections. I dinna mean it.… \ I think a part of you meant it. You DO make me feel loved, … \ Not good enough And I do get what I need, I can’t help wanting what she has... \ You do have what she has. you’ll fall in love with me even more for me absence. \ I wouldn’t say I love Sam even more for her absence, I’m sorry... \ Stop apologizing…I should be apologizing to you. I never want you to feel taken for granted. \ Well… I do. nothing but a bunch of drama queens: me, Belle, Eva, and Sam. \ Sam’s not a drama queen, It hurt you when I went after Sam \ Like I said: I expected you to go after her. I told you to go after her. You really don’t have to be jealous of my other relationships. \ I’m not jealous of your other relationships. \ ‘Envious’, then. \ I’m not envious ... \ That’s a lie, -I- shoulda been your first love, \ You were my first love, remember? You were my first official girlfriend, remember? \ Only AFTER Sam got your cherry. \ But you were the one I chose to pursue a romantic relationship with. \ And then promptly broke up with me… stressing out so much to be the very best girlfriend \ You ARE the very best girlfriend And yet you want me to break up with her? \ I don’t know what I want! it just goes to show how shallow your love for me really was. \ While your love for me wasn’t shallow at all. You really did love me. That would never happen. \ It’s ALREADY happened. What’s she got that’s so much better’n me? \ Nothing. Absolutely nothing, \ I dinna b’lieve ya. I know that even though you always say it’s not a competition, it really IS a competition …the lies we tell ... \ It’s not a lie … \ I didn’t say that was a lie. I want to understand how I can better be whatever you need me to be. \ You already ARE what I need you to be, I’M not being who YOU need me to be. \ I think you’re doing a GREAT job being who I need you to be. \ The Neevie you need me to be wouldn’t be jealous – or envious - This is not a conversation, this is an author with nothing to say padding out dialogue with semantic digressions. It's not a real conversation about a relationship, it's a negotiation about the terminology to be used in the conversation. Again and again, I see this issue with the writing, in that the author wants to have his cake and eat it too (hardly surprising, given the common themes wrt relationship plurality). You can have the main character be a nice guy, or you can have him live out orgiastic fantasies for vicarious pleasure. But these stories keep trying to rationalize the relationships and make us believe it's all mutual and the acceptance of other partners is earned, when it's not. The length of this conversation does not justify Niamh's & Matty's relationship including other women and treating each one the way he wants to, rather than equally, you need to include the actual words that express why she accepts it or how he persuades her to. This is basically Niamh expressing discontent to prove she is three-dimensional and has her own wishes and desires and does not simply exist for his gratification, and then turning around and persuading him back into the polygamous arrangement so he doesn't have to feel like a creep, because she proved that it's what SHE wants. The story tries to tell us that the natural conflicts in a polygamous relationship are addressed and overcome, when what we really see is that the desires of the girls always circle around to being in accord with the ideal setup for the main character. And none of it is necessary. The readers are not here to critique the concept of polygamy*, they are totally on-board. All of this effort seems to be to placate non-existent feminist or mainstream reviewers who will judge the story for being a male fantasy. It IS a male fantasy, no amount of rationalizing, even through much better written dialogue will ever sell these polygamous setups as anything else, and that is FINE. Get on with the relationships, and make the characters really interact, and talk about things that matter, rather than argue about definitions and have the man tell the women what their feelings really are (the news at 11 joke does not suddenly become less condescending because Niamh applied it to herself, it just means she's internalized Matty talking down to her). The girls are with Matty because the author wants it to be that way. Matty indulges in the available partnerships because the author has decided he can get away with it. Just ignore that, accept the narrative conceit that everyone who wants to date Matty will be fine with him sleeping with other women and be attracted to them herself and get on with the BTC as a club, of mutual friends, not women constantly renegotiating their positions in his polygamous lineup. Book of David's title implies it's about him. So does John Billionaire and Ordinary ___ Sex Life. BTC is three words, none of which should apply to the man. But the story we are getting is not about the girls, its about how they service the man, and how convenient or not they are going to be for him. The conflicts are about their relationships with him, for all the lip service paid to Niamh & Sam's relationship in this and prior chapters, it was not about them, it was about their relationships with Matty. These repetitive, tennis-match conversations exist to establish all the relationships with him. This method of plotting, this writing is not about the BTC, it has killed the BTC. As it currently written, the BTC is not a group of extremely close girlfriends with a physical trait in common, it's the toybox of a guy who wins the lottery for anyone with a breast and lesbian sex fetish. *I will acknowledge this is polyamory and not polygamy, the first time one of these stories seriously addresses the emotional/romantic relationships between the girls involved, beyond their homosexual appetites and willingness to sate those on other women their boyfriend takes to his bed, and no, I do not count OSL hooking up June & Kim and Penny & Sasha to tie up loose ends and get them out of the way of the girls the author settled on for the endgame
Uppercase
She's choosing to socialize in a way that supports her academics. *Socializing* is not the ironclad rule, it's just a word chosen because it begins with s. Try: Physical (sleep, eat etc) Personal (friendship, romance, recreation, sex) Professional (things that help toward the goal for which you are going to school - class, studying, networking, jobs & internships) Sam's *Socializing* with her classmates falls under Professional, rather than Personal, which is the BTC interactions.
Shadracht
@RJ - the problem is that she DIDN'T cut back on socialization. Just socialization with her boyfriend and the BTC. I don't think the issue would be nearly the same if it was just academics. She *is* being a bad girlfriend.
Ave_Joe
As R.J Miller said, now Matt knows there are three girls that want to marry him. I believe Sam has said similar lately and Belle has done as well. This is not going to solve itself because in the end, relationships at that level can’t be shared. Some will feel they’re the ‘spare’, and not the significant other. I’m starting to think Matt’s mom needs to come for a visit and have a very serious talk with her son. If not her mom, then Belle’s dad. Because something very bad will happen soon.
R.J. Miller
Okay... I'm gonna chime in here... Sam is NOT being a horrible girlfriend... she is doing EXACTLY what she said she was going to do. She said all along that she was going to dive headfirst into academics and never look back. Matt was going to have to be patient and understanding with her during the school year. Sam has been loyal and true, based on what all of her other friends have said, so that's not an issue. EVERYONE knew the score... and now they are pissed at her for being true to her word. I understand that Matt isn't nearly as "alright" as he tells Sam he is... he doesn't want to be clingy and needy when she needs him to be supportive and trusting, They do need to have a talk about spending more time together... even outside the bedroom... having Matt accompany her to social functions as her actual flesh-and-blood boyfriend, coming home more when she doesn't have other academic obligations, eating a meal together here or there, etc. It's obvious that they miss each other... occasional emotional refills would be good for them. I understand that the girls miss Sam as well, but she's never lied to them... academics are her priority. They should try and have some catch-up time as well, but this ain't high school, and Sam can't be Leader of the Pack Sam anymore. What this boils down to is balance... every college student has to make these choices. As you wrote in OSL: Sleep, Study, Socialize... choose two. Sam obviously has chosen to cut back on Socialize. But I was in college (I chose Sleep BTW), I saw how students struggled to find the balance between their studies, their relationships, and their self-care. The good thing is, none of them have to struggle alone... ESPECIALLY in the BTC. They can help support each other... if only they really want to. Oh... and that last paragraph by Neevie... that really does worry me. That's some Belle shit right there...
Loneshot
Excellent! Pretty close to what I was hoping for and more than I expected. I was thrilled to see the character development and maturation. Matt and Naimh stopped hiding things and came out stronger in my opinion. I will be floating on air if we continue in this vein with a Sam chapter next.
Wookey
Well done BDA. Emotionally challenging chapter with a fantastic finish. Absolutely loved the ending.
