Let’s talk about depression
🕑 Added 2021-09-16 16:43:22 +0000 UTCThis photo is just beautiful. I miss this guy so much. I’ve never been cared for so tenderly by any human. Every morning he wakes up and calls me his Queen and wraps his bear arms around me. We have our rough days too but that comes with the territory. Over the last 6 years together we have worked on balance. intentionally learning to give equal to what we take because we’ve both been given a lot and because we have both have experienced great losses. We try to intentionally Maintain a balance so we get used to the losses and don’t take the gains for granted. If that makes any sense?
Anyhow, today I’m depressed. It’s dark and heavy. I can’t leave my bed. It hurts my heart. I’m going through in my mind to figure out why. I’m circling the drain just racking my brain to figure out why because my mind has a hard time standing still. I’m depressed and have no legitimate reason to be. Maybe I miss Jeremy. Maybe I’m sad Memphis is moving to Texas even though I support her. Maybe childhood trauma that I can’t shake. Maybe the state of the world? Maybe it’s because I have a stomach thing that’s been bothering me for a few days. And on and on and on….
There are so many reasons for me to circle the drain and focus on all the different stories that make me feel depressed but at the end of the day the reality is I have an imbalance in my brain. I have a beautiful day in front of me on a beautiful island in a nice well constructed house that has running water and electricity most of the time. I have a reliable car with air-conditioning and just finished building out my studio for our speakeasy shows. I have a wonderful group of friends and family and I have an incredible support system.
My friend Vivien came over last night even though I was not feeling well and made me miso soup and white rice and brought me three guava from her garden with lime and made me some witches brew of Island herbs in a tea. We talked and had a wonderful time together. I felt so cared for. Vivien is always so good at caring for others. There are some wonderful people in this world and I know a hell of a lot of it them. So many reasons to feel thankful yet this cloud is hanging over my head. Somethings you just can’t fix, somethings just take time and chemistry to balance out. I’m learning to navigate the heaviness and be kind to myself because that’s really all I can do. I try to remember that it does not do me any good to write a story to what’s happening in my brain, chemically. If I want to find a reason to be angry or depressed I can find 1 million reasons, I have to let all of those thoughts leave my brain. I have to just empty out my brain of words. I have to let my thoughts come and go like waves in the ocean. I have to have faith that the feelings are going to lighten and the waves are going to calm down.
When I’m feeling like this I often times tell Jeremy that I feel like I’m lost at sea. Sometimes I’m in a boat, sometimes I’m not. And I just have to wait for the wind to calm and the waves to subside to see the right direction so that I can get back to land. It’s a silly analogy but it’s always what comes in to my head when the feels get heavy.
For a simple downswing It usually takes about 30 min to an hour to work through the worst of it and come to a place of some calm and comfort. From there it’s just a matter of choosing to get up. After that it takes a day to recoup mentally then I’m ok for a while. It’s all temporary. The extreme euphoria (my favorite part of being Bipolar) or the depressive suicidal ideation (my least favorite). It’s all temporary. As long as I remember that I’m ok.
On the days when I can’t remember that on my own I have Jeremy. He is my one man bipolar band leader. He knows exactly what to do and when. I’m incredibly fortunate to have found him because being in a relationship with a bipolar person is difficult enough to navigate but so much more so with any amount of fame involved.
In the end I’m ok. I’m going to rest then I’ll get up and fight it all again another day. Even on the hard days I’m thankful or my diagnosis. For half of my life I’ve experienced a level of euphoria that not many people have even dreamed of. I live for those moments. Knowing that those will be back soon pulls me through it.
I’m trying to be more open about my journey with bipolar disorder in hopes that it may help anyone out there struggling with it. It’s ok. It’s not a death sentence. You just have to prepare all the time for a shift. When there’s a shift find a place of comfort. Breathe, stay away from stimulants or people who give you anxious feelings, give yourself 30 minutes of “empty head” time if possible. If I’m in a public space I find my way to my car if possible and decompress. Sometimes that alone will work.
What brings you comfort when you’re spiraling or feeling the blues? It’s so personal to each of us. I’m interested to hear what brings you comfort.
Talking about this helped me so thank you 🙏 hopefully it helped someone else out there, even if it just made you know that you’re not alone. Depression is weird and doesn’t look the same from day to day for some people. Do your best to stay in the light. Be kind to yourself. Release unrealistic expectations of yourself. It’s OK if you can’t do as much as you used to pre-Covid. All this craziness with the pandemic made us realize what is important, focus on the important things and conserve energy when you need to. Tackle the more trivial things later when your brain and body chemistry are in harmony.
Comments
Andrew Connolly
I have been there too! Time and understanding help a lot.
Alister
Oh ! Such a well written and honest way to explain about your own challenges which many suffer from , the severity and regularity is different for all but the way forward is definitely to get it out there in the open and this is the bravest thing to do . Lots of other people can relate with your feelings and let you know you are not alone . X
Carlos
I've had to realize I suffer from depression and my dear son. This is something I've had to come to terms with...😥😢😳
Bud March
My heart goes out to you, reading that you have your dark places at times. It is a helpless feeling, knowing that only you can help yourself and nothing anyone else can do. Except listen. Me and many others will lesten to you and whatever you feel you need to say, anytime you wish.
Christopher Langlais
Thanks for being so open about what your dealing with. I have some incredible people in my life that deal with bipolar disorder and I know how much it affects them and those around them. Being able to discuss it with them removes the stigma and awkwardness I’ve seen friends and family members grapple with. I know you’re aware of the love and support of your friends and family and that you’re lucky enough to have the love and support of millions of strangers. Hold this in your heart. I love you.
plaid_undercat
"Lost at sea." That describes it so well. I schomke some weed and think about where I used to be, and where I am now. Sometimes it's just too much and I'm on auto pilot. I regret being terrified, shaking and not approaching you. Like you're a diety I cannot touch; I am not worthy to be spoken to or looked at by such a grateful being. Knowing other people feel like this makes me feel less fucked up. Thank you for sharing the dark times.
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
So much happening in your life all at once us unbearable at times. Especially so much loss. My heart is with you💗 I love your outlook. Thank you for sharing your insight with me. I’m so happy that photo made you feel better at times when you’re low.
Jose Rivera
On the last month I lost my father, my tuck broke down, I had finals for the semester, had to buy a car to make it to school, found out I was told lies for years from a family member, etc. I was diagnosed with PTSD after my military career with 4 combat tours. It is hard but when I get depressed I think of how blessed I am at times. Times can be rough but do not allow bad moments tarnish great moments. I know you had it rough but look were you are now. Negativity and depression is easier to notice but let us look at the positive overcoming the negative. I was very down and you gave me the motivation to look up with pride and honor. I look at the picture every day and I feel blessed that you were there for me. The same way, I am here for you. Blessed be
Dan Bean
I’m Jeremy in my home as well, although it’s not always me knowing what to say or do, but what not to say or do. My wife is a properly medicated BP II and I try to do my best to just be present for her. Much love to you both and mad respect for Jeremy. ❤️
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
I feel that so hard. Work quiets my mind which is why I love my job.🖤 thank you got your work and your regular doses of loving kindness.
Kim Rice
Thank you very, very much. I’ve been playing the “Am I sad or am I depressed?” game the last couple weeks. Really felt like giving up. The only “quiet time” my brain gets is when I’m at work and too busy to think of anything but keeping the U.S. safe.
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
💗🤗💗
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
🤗
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
💗🙏💗 yes, thank you!
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
What a wonderful loving message 💗
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
💗💗💗 thank you! This too shall pass
Danielle Colby Striptease Historian
💗😭💗🙏💗 that’s beautiful
Steven Malc
Danielle, I'm Jewish and today is Yom Kippur. Starting 10 days ago on Rosh Hashanah, Jewish people enter a dialog with the Big Guy where we confess our sins (only time of the year we can do that) and ask him to take into consideration everything we've done in the past year, good and bad, and all things considered, to give us another year to do the best we can. Maybe today is a good day to speak with your Deity and let Them know Jeremy's temporarily unavailable to help you through this. Maybe They'll lift some of that burden off your shoulders long enough for you to spring back and feel better. You never know....
Sherry
Eloquent as always about a difficult subject. Unpredictable brain chemistry is so debilitating at times. You’re not alone, and lots of people care about you and you bring a lot of sparkle and kindness to the world. I hope this downer passes very soon. Take care. 🌿
Greg Smith
Just relax and do something to help lift your spirits. Maybe a walk on the beach with your dogs? Like you said, you will come out of your depression and hopefully it will be soon. Looking at the picture of you and Jeremy reminds me of two things, love and contentment. When I’m feeling down I like to spend time with my kids and grandkids. You’re a marvelous woman. Please remember that you have many friends on this site and we care about you. Take care of yourself. Love you sweetie.❤️❤️❤️
David Ratcliffe
Avoid the guilt if you can it’s not your fault that you have been blessed and not your fault your chemical imbalance is as it is. Seeking stillness of mind and carrying on with mindful awareness is hard but all I can think of💗
Jeff Black
Long distance hug. 💙
Kathy Randle
Thank you.... You are so wise!!!!😃🙏🙏
