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July Newsletter: The Heart that Hates
🕑 Added 2025-07-02 22:00:08 +0000 UTC“Whoever does not love abides in death. All who hate a brother are murderers.” (1 John 3:14-15)
That guy I kinda hate is here…
I don’t know why, but hatred and anger found their way into me at a very young age. I was a sensitive kid, physically and mentally, and any experience of discomfort would quickly build up into an intolerable friction within me; unable to make the friction go away, I soothed myself by blaming and castigating everyone around me for this pain. Every activity, if it didn’t produce immediate results, was a waste of my time; everyone I met, if I disagreed with them on anything, became my enemy. I remember my friends being shocked, multiple times, when they took a peek into one of my journals and found them filled with incredibly spiteful condemnations of all of them. I had a particular hatred of anyone who was noticeably innocent and guileless, who received special care from the community because of their vulnerability. I felt slighted at not receiving this same care, and they received my vilest thoughts for it.
Because I was sensitive, I did feel a lot of pain and remorse whenever my actions showed this hatred, and wounded someone else. So I tried my best to moderate my behavior, to avoid this regret. I stopped hitting and scratching my sisters. The journals, if they included judgments on others, were guarded more carefully. I sought pleasure in books, in myself, instead of seeking it in others. But the hatred remained lodged in my heart. I saw it as a part of myself, an integral part of my identity. I latched onto all the most spiteful characters I saw on TV - those who were cocksure, arrogant, assured of their own grievances, uncaring and manipulative of others. This was my bread and butter to assure myself that I was alright as I was, that this hateful, wounded mess was the real me.
I still find it hard to believe that that’s not the case. Giving up something I’ve held as central my whole life, trying to see it as a bunch of built-up defenses that actually block me from my true self - that’s hard to do. The voice of hatred is loud and seemingly logical; on the other side is silence, and the pain that this hatred tried to drown out. But if the pain is there one way or another, I’d rather not let it kill my soul. I’ve always had the grace that people have seen me as my better self, someone gentle and genuine, lacking in all the bitterness and bile that constantly confront me on the inside. I’ve always been surprised by this, because much of my own work has always seemed to me like an open proclamation of this bile - so many lyrics that do all the spitting, blaming, and biting that I refrained from doing elsewhere.
Anyways, I’m writing all this not to condemn myself, but to condemn hatred. Don’t let it be a part of your posture, your identity. Even if your life feels empty without it, emptiness is better than murder. An empty, aching heart is freshly alive, but one contracted in hate is seconds from death. I stopped writing about my hatred of others in journals; now, I've stopped writing it into my songs, and I’m trying to stop writing it on my heart.
Comments
callicoeidoscope
as an aspiring musical artist who also wrote a lot of angry material and is now trying to improve her faith in the Lord, this one really hits close to home. i’ve always loved your music and your lyricism, the stuff you made growing up has gotten me through very difficult times in my life and has been a really important catalyst for my own art and growth as a person, and helped me cope with difficulties and abuse. i’ve loved seeing your more recent religious music as well, and it always feels good to see artists retain their skill even after leaving behind a damaging part of it (e.g. will wood quitting drugs and writing “in case i make it” in ‘22.) just wanted to say that i love your work and you’re a wonderful icon :)
Luka Buchanan
Hey, Will! I’ve honestly been stewing on this one all month. I hope it’s okay that I share some of what I’ve been considering: Is all Hate equal? Is all Love equal? Is Hate (or Love) created through intention or impact? Are Love and Hate opposites; do they relate to each other at all? If I believe Love is a natural, innate human experience, is Hate also natural? Or - and I guess this is getting somewhat into veneer theory - are we naturally Loving, and Hate is an unnatural parasite drawn to our souls that we must thoroughly, repeatedly cast out? “The voice of hatred is loud and seemingly logical; on the other side is silence, and the pain that this hatred tried to drown out.” - is Hate, then, secondary? Is Hate itself a pure thing, or does it always conceal something else - fear, disgust, rejection? When you describe this “spitting, blaming, and biting” thing, I can’t help but feel sympathetic - it makes me think of a terrified dog. Not blameless - we’ve all acted with intention to cause pain at some point, even if we weren’t truly cornered. But is that capital-h Hateful? Is it made of the same spiritual matter as big, systemic Hate - things that corrode well beyond the entry wound, poison arrows embedded deep in flesh or earth, like generational subjugation, violent power, exploitation? If to Hate is to puncture some kind of safety, does it corrode equally - is it made of the same poison? Philosophically I think interpersonal and structural Hates are different, but spiritually/emotionally I feel they are the same, or similar. Made of the same essential elements, maybe. Truthfully I wish I didn’t feel that, but I do! I will have to investigate more - feelings and thoughts are messy and abstract… Philosophically, I think that we are all capable of Hate. I think we all have Hateful parts within us that exist neutrally, and when it begins its pealing we may listen and learn from it. Not to believe what it says or to walk with it, but to hear it and tend to it, like a child. I think by listening to my Hate - my impatience, greed, selfishness, dishonesty - it often reveals itself as fear or pain. It even reveals itself sometimes as a sense of justice - an angry, righteous Hate that shows me when something has violated my values. If I learn the shapes of my Hate, and walk knowing I may act with Hate without intending do, I may be quick to recognise it and amend. I know I am often very impatient - I think it conceals an inflated sense of entitlement. Is it enough to simply be aware of this flaw, to ‘listen’, as I described, and amend when I have spoken harshly with its mouth? Is it helpful to give a voice to Hate, and journal it all away, or write angry songs? Does it reduce hate or inflame it? To live alongside our Hates, or to condemn… By condemning, I think we resent, judge, and shame. Does this work to truly dispel Hate from us? Perhaps I’m unwilling philosophically to condemn Hate because I’m not ready to let go of my own; perhaps there is still some protective purpose it serves or once served… Is it honourable to live totally without Hate? Is that even possible for humans? Is an Enlightened person one that has no Hate, or strives to have none? I don’t know! Either way, I think it’s useful to meditate with Hate with curiosity. It has been a fascinating few weeks navigating my thoughts and feelings and spiritual experiences with Hate and Love. Thanks for sharing, as always. I’m behind on listening to the new songs and shows, so I’ll have double to look forward to! I hope the new style of touring has been positive for you & the band - keen to ask about how it compares to the old tours. Speak soon, Luka
