Cambrian
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Maidenless No Longer [Bonus #13](Elden Ring)
🕑 Added 2022-05-14 20:35:01 +0000 UTCA/N: Alright here's approximately 4,000 words of Himbo!Radahn. Or at least, it was supposed to be Himbo!Radahn. Supposed to be a comedy too. Some angst managed to slip in under my eyes.
This bonus chapter is distinctly non-canon, though I guess if you want to tilt your head to the side and squint really hard, it could be the result of something the Tarnished did on one of his million playthroughs.
-x-X-x-
Radahn could only groan as he slowly woke up, bringing a massive hand the size of a Runebear’s paw up to the side of his equally massive skull. Fuuuuck, he hadn’t had a headache this bad since he’d tried to read all of the tomes on Gravity Magic in a single night! The words in those damn books were too damn small!
Don’t misunderstand! Radahn could read! And write! But those books had been SO boring, and just so… ugh.
His brat of a little sister Ranni had, in that bratty way of hers, told him to just give up when he’d complained about it to her. Not that she knew what she was talking about! She was off in a private apprenticeship to Renna the Witch, while he was enrolled in the Academy of Sellia.
Radahn, of course, had not given up. Oh, he’d certainly given up on all those damn books, but he hadn’t let their small words packed too tightly onto their pages stop him! No sir! He’d just commandeered one of the Sellian Scholars for a fortnight and forced the man to teach him Gravity Magic personally. If little Ranni was good enough for some private tutoring, then so was Radahn!
After all, it wasn’t like Radahn could possibly give up. Not when his horse, Leonard, was counting on him. Nay, he- wait. Wait…
“… LEONARD!”
General Radahn, also known as Starscourge Radahn, flings his eyes open and stumbles to his feet. He notices a few things right off the bat. First, and most importantly… Leonard is gone. Missing. His trusty steed is not with him, and even his call does not prompt an answering whinny to let him know that the horse is somewhere nearby.
Secondly, he’s not holding the stars back any longer. That, at least, Radahn can fix immediately… or at least, he tries to. When he attempts to call upon his Gravity Magic to once again arrest the movement of the stars, it only results in his already splitting headache getting worse. Letting out a yelp, the giant of a man palms his forehead again, shaking it to try and clear the pain away but to no avail.
Oh man… Pops was gonna be SO mad at him. But honestly… honestly, the stars were a secondary concern. Finding Leonard had to take priority! He would also need to fix his head so he could use Gravity Magic to properly RIDE his trusty steed of course but making sure his childhood horse was SAFE meant more to him than even riding him did.
The third thing Radahn notices, as he finally begins moving forward through the ruined church, he’s found himself in, is that he’s damn near naked save for a loincloth to cover his dangly bits. His Lion Armor is missing, as are his Starscourge Greatswords! Blinking rapidly, making his way towards the large (to most) double doors of the church all the same, Radahn tries to remember where they’d gone.
Had he been mugged?! Robbed?! Had a group of bandits on the road caught him off guard and taken him for all he was worth! What… what was the last thing he remembered? Coming up on the Church doors, he scowls mightily.
What were quite large doors to most, are rather normally sized for Radahn. As the giant of a man slams through them, wood splintering as the doors are blasted out of his path, he focuses and focuses hard. Thinking… had never been Radahn’s strong suit, if he was being entirely honest. He was better at fighting. Besides, he’d always had others to do the thinking for him. His father, Radagon, was always there to tell him what to believe, what was real and not real, what was right and wrong.
Still, as he pushes past the worst of the splitting headache and tries to focus on his last memory before waking up… Radahn sees a battlefield in his mind’s eye. And… his half-sister Malenia standing across from him. Things had gotten bad. The Shattering had been a bad thing, even Radahn knew that. And with both his Pops and Queen Marika out of communication, he’d tried to do his best and hold everything together. But then that damn Morgott had decided to take over Leyndell! And then Malenia… Malenia had…
He remembers it clearly now. The final moment before he’d woken up in this place, naked and bereft of his trusty steed. He and Malenia had silently agreed to one last exchange. For everything. He’d gone to strike her down, but pulled back his blow, unwilling to kill a sister… and she’d jumped over his swords and driven her own sword deep into his shoulder.
Then, she’d leaned in and whispered into his ear, speaking just three words. Three words that even now, Radahn knew not the meaning of.
“Git gud, scrub.”
Shaking his head clear of the memory, face scrunched up in a frown of confusion and consternation, Radahn snarls as he makes his way over to a rickety-looking bridge. He doesn’t know where he is, but without Leonard and with this damn headache preventing him from using his Gravity Magic, he’s forced to stumble along on his own two feet.
The rope bridge doesn’t look like it’ll hold his weight though. And so Radahn gathers his strength. Grabs hold of the wooden supports on his side of the cliff… and THROWS himself forward, all the way to the other side of the bridge. As he lands, he grunts, his knees forced to absorb the full impact of the jump. It’s been a long time since he’s had to be so physical, and without any help from his Gravity Magic at that.
Turning the momentary pain into raw anger, Radahn rises to his full height, shouting a tremendous battle cry to the heavens, voicing his greatest priority in this moment.
“LEONARD!!!”
Unfortunately, his loyal steed still does not answer him. Not… that Radahn truly wanted him to. As he stalks forward, he finds himself in what looks to be something of a graveyard. This isn’t the kind of place for a loyal mount like Leonard to be. Not without Radahn’s supervision, anyways. Growling, the Starscourge strides towards the center of the area, only to be stopped by a screeching cry from something… other.
Out of the sky falls an amalgamation of horror, a grotesque mass of grafted bodies wielding two swords and a great shield. It shrieks at him, waving its weapons aloft, looking ready to run him through. Radahn takes one look at it… and peers a bit closer.
“Godefroy?”
No, Radahn realizes a second later when the monster has closed the distance for them almost too fast for the naked eye to track. When its slavering jaws are mere inches from the naked, red-haired giant’s face, he’s able to confirm, ultimately, that this is not Godefroy the Grafted, one of his cousins twice removed. Which is good, because it means Radahn doesn’t have to go easy on this thing.
Just before the Grafted Scion’s swords can find purchase in the practically naked giant before it, his hand lashes out, and the horror finds its momentum abruptly stopped as large, bear-sized fingers find purchase in what… might have been its throat? Certainly, despite being a grafted mass of several different bodies, it finds itself choking as those fingers squeeze and squeeze.
Lifting it up before him, Radahn considers the creature for a second… before frowning and shaking his head.
“You’re not fit. Not even as a temporary mount.”
It responds by screeching at him and preparing to swing with its swords despite the unenviable position it finds itself in, held aloft by one hand. But in the end, it never gets the chance, for Radahn spins and chucks it off the cliff to his left, watching as it disappears into the distance. Whether it will die on impact with the water or not is not the good General’s concern. HE has a horse to find.
“… LEONARD!”
Radahn isn’t stupid. He knows that constantly shouting Leonard’s name isn’t actually going to help or anything like that. But it makes HIM feel a little better, so he keeps doing it. Unfortunately, in his pursuit of his ultimate goal of locating his trusty steed, the General doesn’t quite watch where he’s going… and subsequently trips off of a cliff that can NOT hold his immense weight mere moments later.
-x-X-x-
As Melina and Torrent approach the face down, half-naked body in the bowels of the Stranded Graveyard, the kindling maiden’s breath catches, and what she’d meant to say loses itself on her lips, to be replaced instead by something… far less grand.
“… He’s a big one, isn’t he Torrent?”
Torrent, of course, just chuffs and snorts, kicking his hoof in the water. For a moment, Melina is at a loss for words at the sheer size of the Tarnished before her. And yet, she’d seen what he could do, hadn’t she? Only from afar, but…
“Don’t worry… fortune is on his side. We found him here, after all-!”
Before she can say anything else, the giant begins to stir. Melina cannot say for sure why, but she immediately leaves the Flasks of Crimson and Cerulean Tears at his side and hurriedly mounting Torrent to ride away. She can’t explain it… she only knows what her gut is telling her, and it’s telling her not to let her chosen champion lay eyes on Torrent just yet.
They’ve just managed to get out of sight, when a roar sounds out behind them. However, Melina takes the fact that it’s a human roar, a name at that, as a good sign. It means the Tarnished is not reduced to some mere beast at least. Still…
“LEONARD!”
Who in all the blazes is Leonard?
-x-X-x-
Varre perks up the moment he sees the door to the Stranded Graveyard begin to rumble and open. However, when it suddenly screeches… and bends… and then blasts out, Varre’s eyes widen. The huge metal door is abruptly torn from its moorings and subsequently thrown past both the First Step Site of Grace and Varre himself, much to his shock.
White Mask Varre has never been more grateful for his hidden face then in this moment, as not a man, but a giant of a man, steps out of the Stranded Graveyard entryway, and begins walking forward. Naked save for a loincloth that REALLY doesn’t do the trick, the red-haired man looks somewhat morose and also like he’s one moment away from snapping and taking out his bad mood on someone else.
Varre… doesn’t dare move. He stays right where he is, even as the giant trundles forward. He’s ready to pull his Bouquet in an instant if it turns out to be a fight, but he’d rather not, if necessary. Indeed, he’d rather not interact with this giant fellow at all, he’s already decided. Unfortunately, against his best wishes… the giant notices him.
Walking over, the half-naked man glares down at him.
“You seen Leonard?”
Varre does his best to consider the question against his own knowledge, fully intending to answer truthfully. However, before he can speak, there’s an inhuman, metallic roar, and Varre’s eyes go wide for the second time in as many minutes as he immediately rolls to his right just in time for the Tree Sentinel patrolling the meadow down below to leap up onto the cliff edge and face off with the naked giant.
The Tree Sentinel that patrolled the meadow down the slope usually never came this far under normal circumstances. He just meandered back and forth, staying to his route between here and the Church and going no further in either direction… unless provoked. From his somewhat embarrassing cowering position, Varre looks up… and sees a huge gash cut through the Tree Sentinel’s armor, just the right size for say… a piece of large flying metal in the shape of a door, torn free and thrown without a care in the world for who might be in its path.
The gash travels through both the Tree Sentinel’s side AND the side of his horse, a grotesque wound for both of them… and yet, still the Golden Armored Knight is prepared to do battle, swinging his signature halberd too and fro.
In response, the red-haired giant snarls at the sight… and shouts a war cry, of all things. That, in and of itself, would not be so odd. Nay, not odd at all… if it weren’t for the contents of said war cry.
“LEONARD!”
Varre… Varre still didn’t know who Leonard was, but as the far less armored of the two titans takes apart his opponent piece by piece, White Faced Varre decides he REALLY doesn’t want to be around when the battle is done, and quickly sneaks away. Sometimes, discretion truly is the better part of valor. In this particular case, he feels his Lord will forgive him his cowardice. Not that the Luminary Mohg ever need to know…
-x-X-x-
Hours later, a very large, still mostly naked man sits morosely at a very small shard of golden, floating grace. With his knees drawn up to his chest, Radahn sighs, staring down at the shard and pouting.
“Leonard…”
It felt like he’d been doing nothing but fighting since waking up in that Church. And on the one hand, that was fine… that was what he liked to do, usually. But on the other, that was what he liked to do with LEONARD beneath him, riding his trusty steed into battle! To not have Leonard… it was like a piece of his very soul was missing.
He still felt bad about the Tree Sentinel. After all, they were supposed to be the standard to which all defenders of the Erdtree and the Golden Order should aspire! Unfortunately, the heavily armored knight hadn’t given him a chance to explain. He’d instead fought like a man possessed, him and his steed doing battle with Radahn until the end came for them both. A terrible tragedy… that such a loyal mount would die so early.
And also, the knight too of course. That was also bad.
Meanwhile, none of Radahn’s subsequent encounters with the denizens of this area had gone well either. There was an entire mound of dead soldiers in the ruins just over yonder, all because they’d attacked him on sight and refused to answer his questions about Leonard! He just… he just wanted his horse back! He just-!
Radahn startles from his little pity party when a cloaked woman suddenly appears out of nothing a few feet away and begins to walk forward. Blinking owlishly, he looks over at her. With her hood down, he can’t see her face… but then, with his height, she can’t see his either.
“Greetings, traveler from beyond the fog. I am Melina. And I offer-!”
As she speaks, she pulls her hood back and looks up… and up… and up. She doesn’t seem surprised by his size, but when she finally catches sight of his face, the one-eyed woman’s words fall short, her mouth open but no more sound coming out as she just stares at him in disbelief. Radahn stares back, beginning to feel a little uncomfortable. Just as he’s starting to squirm under her gaze and considering asking her if she’s seen Leonard however, she finally finds his voice again.
“… You’re General Radahn.”
Eyes lighting up at finally being recognized, Radahn brightens and nods his big head enthusiastically.
“Aye, that I am! You’ve heard of me, then? I must ask, have you heard of my loyal steed, Leonard? Have you, perchance, seen him around anywhere?”
The woman, Melina as she’d introduced herself, opens and closes her mouth a few more times before finally giving him an answer. He’s not sure why she keeps doing that. It doesn’t seem very efficient. Does she need to wind up her jaw or something, before she can speak actual words?
“You… you’re supposed to be dead.”
That doesn’t sound right. Furrowing his brow, Radahn scratches at the back of his head for a moment.
“Well… I’m not. Haha! I’m right here! Maybe a little down on my luck at the moment, but I just need to find Leonard and then together we can hunt down the bandits who took my armor and swords and-!”
“General Radahn… you died, two days ago, after spending many, MANY years driven mad by Malenia’s Scarlet Rot. The Scarlet Rot bloomed across all of Caelid, and the results were horrific. You suffered greatly, becoming a maddened dog. You ate the corpses of your soldiers and enemies alike, subsisting off of them to survive. You fought and fought and fought, and no one could put you down. Until… until a falling star fell from the sky two days ago and struck you dead on the spot. Or so it is being told all across Caelid and Limgrave.”
The more she speaks, the more Radahn doesn’t like what he hears. Not because of the things she’s saying about him, because based on his final memory, it sort of does make sense. But because the implications for… for…
“… And Leonard? What of my trusty steed?”
Blanching, Melina looks down into her hands for a moment, cradled in her lap.
“Presumably, he died with you, General.”
For a moment, Radahn’s entire world stands still. And not the good kind of stilling, like what he did with the stars, which he unfortunately was a feat he still hadn’t managed to recover enough to repeat. No, this was the bad kind of stilling, like when he’d first heard that his Pops had to leave his mom to go back to the Royal Capital. He thought he’d made the right choice, following his dad then. But then the bad kind of stilling had come again, when he’d heard about Godwyn’s death and the Shattering of the Elden Ring.
Radahn hadn’t fully understood everything that was going on… probably never would. But he knew… he knew shit was bad. Really bad. And yet, no matter what had happened, even as he’d ended up fighting his own family more times than he cared to acknowledge, Radahn had always had Leonard by his side. He’d always had his trusty steed… his loyal mount.
“… General, I offer you an accord.”
“W-What?”
Oh no, he was blubbering. Radahn hadn’t even realized it until Melina startled the response out of him, but he was crying. Normal-sized tears for him were big honking droplets of water for most people. As they splash against the ground between him and Melina, she looks up at him, grave as can be.
“I am in need of your assistance. And you… you are in need of a mount.”
Radahn’s mouth opens, and then closes shut. Oh… maybe that was what she was doing before. Trying to find the words, but not knowing what to say.
“Leonard might be gone, but you can still find out what happened to both yourself and him. I have great need to reach the foot of the Erdtree, and I cannot make the journey alone… not as I am now. If you would form an accord with me, I shall bequeath upon you this ring. It summons the spectral steed named Torrent.”
Radahn is very much on the fence, until she follows her first statement up with the magic words, almost like an afterthought, and he actually manages to process that last thing she said, finally.
“Torrent has chosen you.”
Eyes widening, Radahn hurriedly snatches the ring from Melina’s hand.
“Treat him with-!”
It takes a flex of his Will, but out of nothingness pops the spectral steed. Torrent appears before him, and Radahn gawks.
“Torrent!”
The spectral steed snuffles and bumps his horned head into Radahn’s chest.
“Ah… you know each other?”
But of course. Torrent… was Ranni’s old horse! His brat of a little sister, who had barely ever used Torrent for anything, but always insisted he was a better mount than Leonard could ever be. Radahn had vehemently and vocally disagreed with her of course, until his mother had taken him aside and explained Ranni didn’t actually believe what she was saying, only speaking those things to in turn rile Radahn up.
… His mother had taught him a lot of those sorts of things, and to this day Radahn still felt a little bad about having to leave her behind. But the Golden Order needed him. Pops needed him.
Paying Melina, no mind, Radahn goes to mount Torrent, before remembering at the last second his Gravity Magic. He reaches out unthinkingly, and alleviates his immense weight, lifting himself up as he sits astride the much smaller horse. Only a moment after does he realize what he’s done. The headache is still there, but it’s slowly beginning to go away now. He can access some of his lesser uses for Gravity Magic it would seem, though holding the stars in place once more is still beyond him.
No matter. Radahn settles onto his trusty steed’s back with a contented sigh, feeling at home for the first time since he woke up in that damn church. Of course, there’s still the pang of Leonard’s loss to be considered but this… this feels right. He feels something akin to whole again.
“… So then do we have an accord, Starscourge Radahn?”
Blinking, just remembering the woman’s presence, Radahn looks down at her… and smiles.
“Aye, that we do. Leonard the Second and I will see you to the foot of the Erdtree. I’d much like to go there myself, in fact. My armor was forged in Leyndell after all! If I’m to get replacements I will need to visit the Capital, haha! Though… if Morgott is still there, he might have something to say about that…”
Radahn scratches his chin, even as Melina’s shoulders slump in relief.
“Wonderful. Then its settled. We will- wait… Leonard… the Second?”
As his words finally catch up to her, Melina seems to be utterly flabbergasted. Scoffing, Radahn waves one giant hand dismissively.
“Of course! Torrent was always a dumb name. What was the word Rykard taught me to describe it… pretentious! That was it! Bahahaha, should have seen the look on little Ranni’s face when I said THAT for the first time! Yes, Torrent was a terrible name. Now that Leonard the Second has a true master, he needs a true name… hence, Leonard the Second!”
Melina does that thing again, where her mouth opens and closes a few times, but no words come out. Then, she meets Leonard the Second’s eyes. The horse huffs and snorts as it paws the ground with its hooves, and Radahn smirks, taking that as a sign of its approval. After all, she’d said it herself… Ranni’s former spectral steed had chosen him. HIM! As befitted the only possible replacement for… for Leonard the First.
Swallowing down the pain and agony, Radahn offers Melina his best blinding white smile.
“Not to worry, fair maiden! Leonard the Second and I will be more than enough to achieve our shared goals! And unlike his former mistress, I shan’t force such a noble mount back into the ether ever again! A spectral steed he may be, but his place is under me, where I can ride him into battle!”
“I… I see. I suppose, then, I shall leave you to it. As an ally by pact, I pray that you are fit to-!”
She doesn’t manage to get the rest of her words out… because she looks up to find Radahn is already gone, having ridden through the gate just behind her at full tilt on Torrent… or rather, Leonard the Second’s back. Melina stares into the shard of Grace in front of her for a moment, as the sounds of fighting and screaming fill the air, and as her new… charge obtains his first weapon in the form of a Troll’s sword.
Laughing uproariously all the while, General Radahn the Starscourge swings his new blade this way and that, cleaving through the soldiers that would dare to stop him and Leonard the Second’s path. And as he goes, he cries out, the only battle cry that he needs.
“FOR LEONARD!!!”
-x-X-x-
A/N: The end is nigh. Tomorrow is the last bonus chapter, a hidden super secret epilogue told from... the Tarnished's POV?!
Anyways, I hope people enjoyed this chapter at least a little. if you got to this point, be sure to let me know what you think xD
Comments
Black Templar
radahn is a fucking good boi, and nobody can tell me otherwise.
Cambrian
Honestly so do I, I just don't want to write it myself xD
Steam Punk
Great. Now I want a full story with Radahn playing the role of the tarnished.
