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Chef's Kiss Ch. 11 (Fate/Grand Order)
🕑 Added 2023-06-01 14:28:29 +0000 UTCA/N: In which Shirou becomes self-aware.
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Let it be made clear… Shirou knew he wasn’t your typical harem protagonist. There were two types of guys with harems, at least from what he knew. There were the guys who didn’t know what to do with their harems, somehow falling into them without understanding how they got there, and ultimately too caught up in their own insecurities to make use of them… and then there were the guys who were so narcissistic and self-absorbed that they didn’t stop to consider the dynamics of their harems.
To the first set of guys, the harem was a curse. An albatross around their necks. A veritable ‘be careful what you wish for’ made manifest. To the second set of guys, the harem was nothing more than a vehicle for their pleasure. The girls, nothing more than tools and toys, one and all.
Obviously, Shirou didn’t line up with either of those stereotypes, though he definitely felt a little bit closer to the first than the second. After all, it wasn’t like he’d set out to collect a harem. He really had fallen into it. However, he was confident enough in himself that he hadn’t let any insecurities or shame stop him from loving Saber, Rin, and Sakura all equally.
Frankly, if one were to categorize the initial foursome as a harem, Shirou wouldn’t have even been sure that it was HIS harem. One might have wondered if maybe it was Sakura’s harem, and he was just the only guy in it. But… no. Saber was in it for him and he knew that. And as much as Sakura loved bullying Rin, they likely wouldn’t have developed a sexual relationship without Shirou to bridge the gap between them.
All of this was to say, Shirou wasn’t going to kick the can down the road. If this was happening… and seeing how he’d wound up with Ritsuka and Saber Alter both practically jumping on his dick back to back, then Shirou was going to have to take responsibility for the harem he suddenly found himself with. But he himself wasn’t used to being in charge all the time.
Really, there was only one decision in the end… he would have to channel That Man.
“Enough.”
Injecting the right amount of affection mixed with arrogance mixed with derision into his voice is difficult, but Shirou thinks he manages it. At the very least, both Saber and Saber Alter freeze up for a moment, the former stiffening and the latter stopping with her lips still wrapped around his cock. Looking Alter in particular in the eye, Shirou stares her down until finally, the pale-skinned Servant slowly pulls back off of his cock, letting it drop from her lips as she rocks back on her heels.
Looking at the two near-identical women, Shirou sits there and tries his best to channel the right vibe.
“You both… are mine.”
A shiver goes through the two Sabers, and Shirou takes it as a good sign, continuing on.
“Should two treasures fight over their master? No. They should work together in order to serve him best. My love for you both is equal. So really, why would you be competing for my affections? There’s more than enough of me to go around.”
That was pretty good, wasn’t it? Shirou feels somewhat pleased with himself, even if the words feel a little wooden. He… mostly means them. He just wouldn’t have ever said it that way under normal circumstances. But these weren’t normal circumstances. So he had to go all out, step outside of his comfort zone, and be… well, be a more confident version of himself, right?
Slowly, Saber and Saber Alter turn to look at one another. Shirou can almost hear their bones creaking as they do so. For a long moment, they stare into one another’s eyes as he watches on. When they don’t immediately attack one another, either for real or even as a catfight, he feels like maybe he’s actually getting somewhere with them.
But then they both look back at him and frown, with Saber slowly shaking her head.
“Shirou… what are you doing?”
He opens his mouth… and then closes it and blinks. Blushing a little at being called out so directly, Shirou squirms in the cafeteria chair he was pushed down into.
“I’m… I’m taking charge. Ya know… of my harem?”
The two Sabers’ eyes alter at that, but neither disputes the claim of being a part of his harem, Shirou notes. However, the original Saber does scoff after a moment.
“What… by trying to emulate Gilgamesh of all people?”
Before Shirou can even get over his shock that Saber saw through him so easily to the heart of his… err, inspiration, Saber Alter nods along with her, surprising him even more.
“Hmph, even I remember That Man. He tried to woo us during the Fourth Holy Grail War. It did not work.”
“That’s right. He wanted us for his collection and we rejected him, Shirou. So why on earth would you think that channeling that blowhard would work on us?”
… Well when they put it that way… Shirou slumps in his chair, groaning as he covers his face with a palm.
“Ugh. I just didn’t want you all to fight…”
There’s a long enough silence at that that he has to remove his hand so he can look at them. It’s to find them both staring at each other again, wordless communication taking place between them. Until finally, they shrug in unison.
“… Conflict is inevitable. We might be the same person… but only very technically. We are two very different versions of Artoria Pendragon.”
Saber Alter tilts her head at that, a ghost of a smile flitting across her face.
“Hmph. I would not expect you to even be willing to address me by that name.”
Scoffing again, Saber glares at her alternate self.
“Oh, I will not deny that you are Artoria Pendragon. You are simply the Artoria Pendragon who made all the wrong decisions.”
Alter snorts in amusement, smile curling into a wicked grin.
“Right back at you.”
Sparks are flying. But are they good sparks or bad sparks? Shirou really doesn’t know! Even still, he knows one thing for sure… he’s putting his foot down, right here and right now! Maybe channeling the egotistical King of Kings didn’t work very well… but he knows one thing that’s very near and dear to both Sabers’ hearts at the very least.
“Look! If you two don’t try to get along and do exactly what I say, then I won’t cook for either of you anymore!”
It’s a bluff, but they don’t need to know that. Shirou loves cooking. More than that, he loves cooking for others most of all. And watching Saber and Saber Alter eat his cooking is a delight for him. But he knows the effect his food has on people. Especially on his women. Natural born aphrodisiac, even when he’s not actually putting any foods known to be aphrodisiacs together.
So… so he makes the threat… and watches as Saber and her alternate self both freeze up simultaneously. Their eyes slowly turn to regard him, wide with shock at what he’d just said. For a moment, Shirou thinks he’s going to wind up skewered for his presumptuousness. Or maybe shackled and chained up behind the stove and forced to make food for them for the rest of his life.
But he stands his ground all the same, refusing to be the one to blink first.
And yet… he must have blinked, because the next thing he knows, in a single instant, both Saber and Saber Alter are completely naked and have taken up dogeza before him, prostrating themselves with their hands flat and their foreheads pressed against the ground between them.
“A-Apologies Master! Please don’t say such a thing! We’ll be good!”
“A-Ah, yes! We promise not to be so competitive anymore! We won’t fight if that’s what you want!”
Shirou just stares for a long moment with wide eyes. He could sort of expect this behavior from Saber… but Saber Alter, while she’d positively devoured his food and then tried to makeout with him, had seemed like such a cool, calm, and collected woman so far.
And yet… here they were. It’s in that moment that Shirou realizes the true nature of his existence. He isn’t just a harem protagonist. He’s a COMEDY harem protagonist.
With this epiphany comes a sense of rightness… a sense of correctness. He knows what he must do now. He must use his power for good. He must guide his harem with an even hand and a well cooked meal, no matter how big it might grow. There’s no helping it now. They’re literally summoning people from the Throne of Heroes to help them save the world. Shirou doesn’t want to seem too egotistical… but he won’t be surprised if he ends up fucking Ereshkigal sometime soon as well. Hell, she’s a Rin clone so… it’ll probably be anally as well.
For now though?
“Very good. I accept your apologies. However, while I can accept your apologies to me, only you both can accept your apologies to one another.”
Both Sabers jolt up at that, coming out of dogeza and blanching as they look at one another for a long moment before speaking at the same time.
“But I didn’t do anything wrong, Shirou!”
“Apologize? To her?!”
Shirou just looks at them both, a little exasperated. He starts with Saber Alter, pointing at her first.
“You know why you need to say you’re sorry, Saber Alter. Saber tried to offer you an olive branch and help you learn, and you spit in her face.”
Then, he points at Saber.
“And you know what you did wrong as well, Saber. You’ve been treating Alter like she’s a piece of scum on your heel since you met. Even if you think that she made mistakes… you’re both here now, and you need to learn to work together.”
There’s a long pause at that, and Shirou finds himself surreptitiously holding his breath, hoping that he’s right about all of this. If he IS a comedy harem protagonist, then…
“S-Sorry…”
“Ugh. Yeah. Sorry.”
There it is! Shirou beams at having his suspicions further confirmed. It should NOT have been that easy, and yet it was! Excellent! Now…
“Now kiss.”
They both jolt at that, eyes going wide again as they stare at him. But Shirou just crosses his arms over his chest.
“I said what I said. Kiss and make up!”
Slowly, the two Sabers turn to one another. Complicated expressions dance across their identical faces. Until finally, they lean forward and press their lips together. Shirou watches for a moment, waiting to see… and yep, there it is. They don’t just pull away after a moment like one might expect. They don’t go for a quick chaste kiss and then immediately draw back from one another.
No, after a moment the kiss deepens and the two Sabers begin to makeout. Shirou’s cock, still out in open air and rather erect, twitches at the sight. He smiles as Saber and Saber Alter deepen the kiss, hungrily devouring one another’s lips as they suck face. Opposite attract. That’s a rule, right? And Saber had said it. She’d said how despite their similarities, she and Alter were quite different from one another.
Suddenly, Saber takes Alter onto her back, much to the other naked Servant’s surprise. The two end up rolling around on the floor for a few moments as Shirou watches on. He’s careful to make sure it doesn’t turn into a fight… but no, while their hands are all over each other, they aren’t clawing or scratching or trying to harm one another. No, they’re getting REALLY into it.
Heh, he’s almost been entirely forgotten, hasn’t he? Shirou wonders if he should go back to the kitchen and do some more cooking, maybe for Rin and Ereshkigal… but before he can do that, Saber and Alter pull apart and both pin him with their gazes.
“Shirou… get over here and fuck us already, damn you.”
“S-She’s right… if you’re going to be my Master, you can’t just… take charge and then not deliver.”
Shirou blinks… and then shrugs, getting to his feet and making his way over. Dropping to his knees, he watches as Alter lets Saber pin her down so that they can both… line themselves up for him. Their pussies rub together right in front of him, glistening with arousal and their juices. Shirou takes a look at both of them and after a moment decides to thrust into Alter’s cunt first.
The original Saber whines as her alternate self moans from the sudden penetration. But Shirou will not be swayed. He begins to fuck Saber Alter hard and fast, at long last inside of her despite the song and dance they had to do to get here. Meanwhile, Saber growls and lowers her mouth to Alter’s breasts, groping and squeezing them at the base so she can bite and suck and nibble at her nipples and teats.
This leaves Saber Alter writhing under the both of them, even as the original Artoria rides her pussy lips along the top of his pistoning shaft, constantly reminding him that she’s there.
Hm, well, he might have had a couple of false starts, but Shirou thinks he’s getting the hang of this now. With a dirty grin on his face, he reaches up and grabs Saber by her toned ass, even as he continues fucking her alternate self. His fingers dig into her backside, groping and squeezing away, while he applies his thumbs directly to Saber’s cunt, toying with her pussy lips all the while.
The two swordswomen moan and groan for him, Saber Alter’s pussy walls flexing and clenching around his cock while Saber’s clench and flex around almost nothing at all. Shirou considers that for a moment. Should he switch it up? Or should he fuck Alter to completion first and then Saber?
He could fuck them both at pretty much the same time, or one and then the other. At this point, it was honestly just up to personal taste, since obviously he was going to wind up fucking them both before anything else could happen anyways.
Honestly, it was easy to forget that they still had a world to save for a moment. But… no. They would have to get back to work soon enough. But first, Shirou comes to a decision and sets about implementing it.
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A/N: This chapter in a nutshell~
Shirou: "Alright I need to show that I can be domineering and assertive, so I'll channel Gilgamesh."
Saber & Alter: "Ew."
Shirou: "Well fucking fine then... be good or I won't cook for you anymore."
Saber: "W-We'll be good, please don't say such things!"
Alter: "Y-Yes daddy, edge us harder, nngh!"
Saber: "What?"
Alter: "What?"
Comments
Bishop7053
Shirou has channeled his inner Deadpool by breaking the fourth wall over his dick, hopefully he uses these new found powers for good.... and his dick
Kyo Amamoto
the one true way to artoria penndragon's heart (no matter the circumstances), her stomach.
daniel riggle
Comedy Harem Protag EX you mean. Honestly it's probably better for him.
Ashwath Raghuram
The man becomes self aware! Embrace the Harem Protag EX Shirou. You know it in your soul.
