Sage_of_Eyes
patreon
My Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 3
🕑 Added 2025-04-11 15:47:40 +0000 UTCMy Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 3
…
“Hmph, these new invaders are weak. They have already fallen.”
“Oi… pass the chocolate cereal.” Ebbs willed some shadowy tendrils to manifest off its orb-like body to push the carton my way. I sighed as I lifted the box. Barely half a cup of chocolatey, sugar-frosted flakes fell into my bowl. “I told you guys to put nearly empty boxes on the shelf.”
The nearest Imp close to me looked a bit sorry before reaching out with its hands. It took the empty carton and took it to the shelf. My Imps couldn’t talk, so I just had them put up empty cartons on a shelf at the dining room. One glance and I knew what I needed to buy in bulk.
“Defeated by the Intercontinental Heroics Association. Bah. Weaklings.” Ebbs had a laptop streaming international news. One of the first purchases we made from other ‘villains’ of the world was to loop our place up to the networks they used to access the internet away from prying eyes. The monthly payment was pretty steep at a thousand grand, but the download speeds, the unrestrained access, and the lack of ads made up for it. A few Imps at the sea floor, ripping up chunks there, was enough to give us a steady income stream that went into accounts we could use for upgrading our living standards. “They’re not even worth being slaves.”
“Why would we need slaves anyway?” I chewed through my bowl of chocolate flakes pretty quickly, then I reached out for a breakfast burrito. The Imps manning the kitchen were putting down platters of breakfast food out on the extremely long banquet table. Why did a massive, fortified shelter built for the ultra-rich need a banquet room and a banquet kitchen? No idea, but I got it fixed up so we could all enjoy food. “Imps are the best.”
Ebb looked at me, bobbing up and down while floating, and ‘nodded’ by making a particularly exaggerated series of motions.
“Indeed. Most mortal creatures cannot compare to the humblest of the Legion of Shadow. However, we have need of laborers while we wage war. Typically, Imps form our frontline and security force. They maintain those who we’ve conquered and multiply.” As Ebb spoke, several Imps reached their split-off stage, meaning that they took in enough mass to turn into two Imps. I gave them the go-ahead, and the split happened. One turned into two, but the two that formed were… lighter and thinner than the one that was before. About half the strength of one full-powered Imp each. “When we defeat a Sentinel, our power increases immensely as well. Nothing creates a darker shadow than the last gasp of light.”
I gave a thoughtful chew of soft scrambled eggs, griddled hash, and bacon wrapped in a fresh tortilla before replying.
“How many times did you win with that strategy?”
Ebb promptly raised a tendril my way, made five fingers, and tucked four of them in save for one.
Nice.
“Eat shit, Hayes.”
“No, I prefer to eat the great cooking of our wonderful chefs.” I gave a thumbs up at one of the Imps carrying platters out of the kitchen, and I got a multitude of thumbs up in return. With enough experience cooking and consuming the dishes in question, Imps were able to cook up imitations of what they’d eaten. As long as we got the right ingredients, tools, and resources, of course. After a job well done, we split the money up, spent it all over the planet, acquired ingredients, and ate our fill to increase our numbers. “Just you wait; they’ll perfect that chicken rice you like so much sooner rather than later.”
Ebb not calling me an idiot back meant that the idea of having his favorite meal on demand appealed to him.
So, I took the initiative.
“I think that we should try and take advantage of the invasion. Some of them are weak, but some of them are pretty rough. We could make use of targets that other people won’t mind us taking.” Ebb looked interested in my proposal. Some Imps stared my way, too. I had the attention of the Legion of Shadow for sure. “If we attack humanity, we’ll get dogpiled. We can get rid of a lot of them, but plenty of heroes are as strong or stronger than the Sentinels… well, they won’t harm us if we go and attack the invaders, right?”
Ebb practically thrummed with glee at the notion.
“Yes, yes! Of course, why did I not consider that! This realm is ours. Not theirs!” Ebb was close to doing flips with glee at my proposal. Meanwhile, several Imps raised thumbs up at my statement. Ebbs took it in with no small amount of joy at finally being able to inflict suffering. “We can even strike at the hearts and homes of these invaders. If they cannot defeat this planet, they’ll be unable to defeat us!”
“Yeah, we can even go heavy. Put together giant monsters, test out the swarms I have planned, and see how well Imps can handle operating advanced military weapons.” Imps are strong, but if I can get more strength, why not? “And, it’s not like alien suffering is any different from human suffering. They’re all living beings, right? All the other dimensions you’ve tried this stuff in were different.”
Ebb was practically vibrating with joy.
“Indeed, indeed! Yes. That is the case. It’s just that no other planet we’ve come to has ever been assaulted by other entities before.” Earth was just that messed up, I suppose. Interdimensional invasions. Magical ruptures. Alien landings. Not to mention all the supervillains. It’s only thanks to most of the heroes being ridiculously strong and in high numbers that human civilization is holding on strong. “Look! There are a few strongholds left of the current invasion force. Why don’t we assault one after breakfast?”
I was surprised by Ebb’s proposal.
“Won’t you miss your soaps, though?”
Ebb wavered for just a second.
“I’ll have it recorded! None of you spoil me!” Ebb rounded on the nearest Imp before turning back to me. Wow, Ebb’s really enthused about this. I can’t say no now. “Hayes—”
“Heard. Let’s do it.” I chowed down on my burrito and got a fresh one off the platter. With a thumbs up, I confirmed my statement. This was a good outlet for Ebb, and we didn’t get dog-piled and destroyed by all the heroes. Sounds good to me! “Go get your recordings set up. I’ve got things handled here.”
Ebb flew with such glee towards the rec room that I could’ve easily imagined him hopping and skipping away.
Hm.
Best that we still look for the most removed and faraway alien stronghold on the planet.
Even if we’re giving our all, we still shouldn’t show our hand to the rest of the world and spook them.
Giant monsters, elite troops, and actual tactics are for the climax or the finale of a season or movie, too.
I need to make sure whatever happens can be seen as a natural disaster or something, so that nothing gets spoiled.
And, of course, so that we don’t get caught.
…
Interlude: Cosmos Trooper 8594
…
With the invasion force routed, the command came from the last general to dig in and hold on to provide a beachhead for the next wave.
We complied.
How could we not when the only way back could be opened from the other side?
The only way to live was to follow orders.
Orders were followed, even as the rest of our forces were destroyed. The second invasion force should’ve been better prepared. Stronger weapons, more troops, and less centralized supplies. For decades, the Gene-Nation crafted a new army that could surmount the incredible, individual power of the denizens of ‘Earth.’ Decades of effort came apart within mere hours, and we were scattered across the world.
No way home.
No commander can call us all together.
Just the order to hold until the next wave came within two months.
A week in this world, and then we will return.
But it was not to be.
A black dome appeared over us, and all light from the system’s sun was taken from us.
Then, somehow, our generators were destroyed, and we were all left with only the lights on our weapons and armor.
We still set out to our defensive positions, and red emergency lights were activated so that we could see where we walked.
Then, the true assault came.
The first unit that engaged them said that they were misshapen, Earthling children with large arms, heads, and feet with glowing lenses as eyes.
They fired at the creature with their weapons. Weapons rated to break through the armor of Earthling infantry transports.
Reports of the weapons being useless came through.
Then, nothing but screaming.
A squad was dispatched to reinforce them and exact vengeance.
That’s why the now-black sky suddenly glittered with thousands of pairs of white lenses… and they fell forth from the skies like rain.
They slammed into our reinforced doors and suffered no damage before setting upon us.
Those without heavy weapons could only rely on their explosives, but the creatures were not just strong but also quick. Reports of our own weapons being used by the creatures came forth next, and our heavy weapons were suppressed before being dispatched with our own explosives.
Our officer broke and had to be removed from command.
He had spent three minutes doing nothing when asked for orders.
Only asking himself how and why, as our final stronghold was sieged.
The war-walkers and their massive guns and lights came forth from the base and pushed the enemy back.
We rallied around them… until the darkness shifted.
Until a massive, five-clawed hand reached from the abyss and picked one up and crushed it.
The crews tried to fire at the hand, their lasers piercing the darkness and showing the outline of an immense, gaunt humanoid figure composed of the same substance as our attackers.
The fact that their attacks did nothing made panic rise in our ranks.
The fact that their attacks lit up the darkness enough for us to see that eight other such giants were present broke our spirit.
All discipline broke.
Every weapon was fired in every direction.
Screaming filled the communication network.
And I went with my squad to destroy the portal back home.
Only to find the immense doors breached and a mass of darkness covered in robes standing before a gate to our home.
We didn’t have enough power to activate it… But he held out his hand.
Then, suddenly, the great machine flickered alive, and I knew what order to give.
“Destroy it! Do not let these creatures into our realm!” I did not have the authority to order the eight with me, but they moved in accordance with my command.
The cannons we requisitioned from the fallen fired at the portal aperture as one, and explosives streaked towards them as well.
But it was in vain.
The blasts of plasma and explosives were met with a wall of matter-darkness that was nearly invisible.
Then, for a moment, the robed and hooded figure of darkness turned our way.
All the other creatures attacked without emotion. Even those who shifted and turned into wide shields to allow their companions to assault positions did not ‘blink’ with their glowing gazes. They had speed, strength, and power, but no ferocity. No hostility.
The hooded figure, meanwhile, looked at us, and I felt as though I was being taken apart in search of something precious.
The figure then turned away while gesturing at us with a hand of darkness.
Then, suddenly, one of the dark creatures spawned by his side and transformed.
My stomach dropped, and both my hearts seized as it compressed and compressed until it was no larger than an insect… and it took flight towards us with speed similar to a light vehicle. The mass of the entirety of the combatant, requiring sustained fire from heavy weapons to destroy, condensed into an insect and combined with speed and flight.
One moment 5930 was there to my left. The next there was a gaping hole in his chest, through his armor, and he fell onto his back.
I knew only one command had any worth now.
“Charge! Destroy the aperture!” I activated my explosives and put everything I had into reaching the great machine. It was meant to be our salvation, but I knew that it could not be permitted to fall to these creatures. The others realized this as well and followed suit. They discarded their weapons and armor. As one, we charged. The wall of darkness that had stopped our munitions, surprisingly, came apart as we came into contact with it. It was like mist. A mist that reacted to only certain things. One of our number was struck by the flying creature and lost his head mid-stride, but we continued to run. “CHARGE!”
We ran.
We died.
But suddenly something shifted.
The indifference of the creatures.
The observational curiosity of the hooded figure.
Both of those things were replaced by malice and hate.
It was a creature that we had not noticed. A creature that was nothing more than a massive golden eye the size of a skull with wings of darkness. In its eyes, I was certain, was disgust at our very existence.
It was between us and the aperture.
And, the instant we came under its attention, it struck with speed and precision. Tendrils of darkness erupted from its body and took away our lower limbs. A moment later, its weapons struck our explosives and took them from us. The weapons exploded and did nothing within their encasements, while we were left bleeding and separated from our legs upon the foot of our objective.
The baleful eye looked upon us with hate, while the hooded figure raised a hand filled with darkness at our gate.
A gate that began to open to the darkness.
My vision faded as I watched the skies of my home begin to darken.
Comments
ElricFlairgold
This is good and it makes me wish I had the spare cash to buy more chapters for it.
The Grey Mage
I had forgotten about this series, it’s really fun. I wonder whether Hayes is going to go full Evil against the invaders, or conquer them and then treat them well like he treats the Imps?
