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My Weekly Gag Villain Job Is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 5
🕑 Added 2025-05-15 01:54:34 +0000 UTCMy Weekly Gag Villain Job Is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 5
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Commissioned by Arksoul
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After engaging with the Sentinels long enough with the copies of the aliens, I made a quick getaway. While the other heroes involved in the fight took more damage than expected, I made sure that the Sentinels were able to quickly dispatch my forces. The formatting of the crossover episode went out the window when the heroes couldn’t deal with my forces, so I just did my best to turn the whole thing into a sort of lore episode as to why other heroes can’t help the Sentinels.
Only the power of Light can defeat the Darkness!
Or something along those lines.
Anyway, after skipping around the world a bit, I reappeared under the sea and rose up in the cave we hollowed out under the base. The outside of our lair was dilapidated and cordoned off along with the rest of the island. Some giant monster attack unleashed a lot of radiation in the area. Humans couldn’t do much in the area, but radiation and light were close enough that my Imps could passively get rid of it and give us room to work with. Everyone else sees an abandoned mega-project surrounded by fauna and flora that’s surviving the radiation, but inside we were living it up.
The underground facilities were our own additions, though.
They were perfect for storing stuff, too.
“Alright, you guys, remember to detach the power supplies from the weapons before storage. Also, you all know how to vacuum-seal.” The Imps can wrap around an object along with some plastic and form a double layer that expels air. Once they managed to do that, they were able to store whatever we got our hands on in some boxes. We did some light forestry across the world. Imps made great lumberjacks since their limbs could turn into blades, they could carry immense amounts of weight, and finally could teleport to other locations with whatever they could carry. Cutting up trees and nailing them together took some time, but it was better than buying up boxes. Wood joinery is also easier when you’re working with incredible amounts of strength and have limbs that can cut steel with ease. “Hey, Ebb, how are you doing?”
I made a disc of shadow and popped my head through it.
And I found massive, looming titans wreaking havoc across a city. As big as a city block and as tall as a skyscraper, they were massive blobs of shadow that rolled over and crushed civilization. Any attackers were met with a limb generated of shadow, which promptly smashed through them with speed and mass alone. The aliens were mustering up a powerful defense, smashing titans with lasers from the atmosphere and long-range missiles, but the result was the same as any attack that wasn’t by the Sentinels: negligible damage.
We were weak against the Sentinels.
Weak enough that they could kill Imps by the thousands.
But the Sentinels of Light weren’t here, and these guys didn’t have any heavy hitters that were stronger than the Sentinels even with all our resistances like back home.
Ebb had the run of the place, and I expected him to be aglow with joy… But he loomed over his monsters like a very, very angry god.
He wasn’t sparing any of the aliens here for slave labor.
“Something wrong?”
“The materials and food in this dimension are not conducive to our growth. This place is a testing ground for weapons at best.”
“Well… shit.”
“Indeed.”
I stepped through and looked at what he was observing. The Legion of Shadow took in mass in the form of previously living things to grow in number. Ebb told me that the previous method to growing stronger was to mass-produce grains through enslaved populations. A couple of Imps, some land, some bodies, and some grains, and we can churn out armies. The fact that food was so easy to get on our Earth was a big reason why I could play things cautiously and avoid problems with the big shots that handle universal or multiversal threats.
We steal stuff, cause mayhem, and harvest rare materials to get food to get strong.
If we had an entire world to plunder and consume, we would’ve been much better off, though.
But that wasn’t the case.
“They must be some sort of silicon organism or something. Not carbon.” I approached one of the dead alien bodies. Outside of their armor, they were like smooth, polished, and clear stone with gems inside them. Soft to the touch, but with a bit of force, the surface cracked and broke. Inside was some sort of metallic and silvery liquid. I gathered some shadow and engulfed the thing… And it was like transporting rock instead of consuming something that was previously alive. “Well, I think that we’ll be able to sell these bodies at least. I’ll have Imps gather them up, we’ll exchange them for money, and get food.”
“Food within certain limits, so that we remain unnoticed.” Ebb growled, and a titan roared before turning into a swarm. The other titans broke apart too. Thousands of Imps turned into living, flying, and near-indestructible darts too small to hit with heavy ordnance and surged across the land. “Bah. I’ll crack this world in half and leave it to its end.”
“Maybe… maybe not. They’re not useful as food for us, but we can make use of their weapons.” I found an Imp on ground level and switched places with it. The average alien weapon was pretty powerful. A few shots were enough to destroy armored cars. The power cells they used recharged passively, too. Accurate, powerful small arms that refilled passively with ammunition were great“. I doubt we’ll be able to get anything more than small arms constantly flowing our way, but—
“No. I want nothing to do with these creatures. If you want to go through all the trouble, you shall do so on your own.” Ebb appeared close to me and set its ultimatum down. It knew me. My answer didn’t even need to be shared aloud. I can’t be bothered to set that all up. “Leave this matter to me. I shall excise this waste of my time and derive what little satisfaction I can from that.”
“At least gather some stuff up for us to sell off. If you find a lot of military hardware, leave an Imp there or something.” I shook my head but didn’t complain. If Ebb wasn’t willing to rule over a conquered planet and extract meager resources from it, then that was that. It wasn’t like I could do it. Ebb had all the cards when it came to actually ruling after victory. “Let’s take everything we can get, at least.”
“Go home, Hayes, unless you wish to put this matter up to the Shadows.” The nearest Imp stared at us both at his suggestion. I considered it while Ebb floated and bore down onto me. “Toys and trinkets, or the destruction of life that cannot contribute to our strength? Which path do you believe our true liege will choose?”
The Imp went separate from both myself and Ebb at that moment, then it instead linked itself with us.
In an instant, I became aware of the source of my power.
The immense, powerful entity that took me from the brink of death and offered me a chance to serve as its herald.
I felt nothing but unwavering gratitude for my liege, so I knew the path to take here.
It was the path that wouldn’t endanger our unity.
I raised my hands in surrender.
“No, I leave this to you. I’ll direct some Imps to gather what they can and pull stuff away. You do as you want here.” Ebb fluttered back a bit at my retreat. While I could certainly argue my case, and I was sure Ebb could argue his case as well, I didn’t want to. My expertise was on Earth. Not alien worlds. Certainly not alien words that can give us nothing back. Ebb, as far as I was concerned, was the expert on the subject here. “I’ll see you back home in a few hours. I’ll be going for a grocery run. You want anything?”
Ebb stared at me for a while before speaking.
“Sushi.”
I gave a nod and moved to leave, but then another voice entirely came forward into my mind from the Imp, who I was connected to, rather than the other way around.
Ice cream. Lots.
Tons of ice cream coming up, boss!
…
Interlude: Adam
…
I awoke beneath blinding white lights and a scowling face.
“Welcome back to the land of the living, Adam.” I groaned and sat up. Memories of my most recent demise were not pleasant. Pain and agony as people tried to help my body fix me. I asked them time and time again for a strong explosive that could blow apart my head, but they refused me each time. Too much potential for civilian casualties given the yield required. I couldn’t fault them, but I would’ve liked for my body to finish healing before coming back. “You were right. We should have listened to the Sentinels.”
“Nice of you to admit that. It would’ve been better if I didn’t have to take plasma shots and die keeping everyone alive.” Marcus helped me off the medbay bed. I looked around and grimaced. All the beds were full, and there were body bags being carted away. Marcus’s normally cheery expression was gone. His face may as well have been carved from obsidian. “How badly did the extraterrestrials hit the carrier?”
“The ETs did two things: jack and shit. Everything in there was dead and coopted by the Shadow Legion. We were wrong.” He made a motion with his chin for me to follow him, and I did. I wondered why, since I knew the carrier like the back of my hand. Leaving the medical bay told me why. Repair crews were hard at work, and cordons were everywhere. The gentle sloshing of the carrier told me we were on the ocean rather than flying. “Those things were definitely NOT just Tier 5 supernatural entities. They’re tentatively categorized as Tier 2, and the Sentinels have shot up to National Assets since they’re the only answer to those things.”
“Tier 2 doesn’t sound right.” Tier 2 were city killers. Those things operated without pity, remorse, or fear. They took the bodies of the aliens, learned how to use their weapons, and what they broke, they molded themselves into and made to function. That wasn’t even mentioning the titans that surrounded us. Gigantic, living shadows. A couple of them running wild through a city would level it. A wave of thousands of the small ones? Tier 1 sounded more appropriate. “The brass wants to keep things quiet, huh?”
“Too many damn fires with too few big guns to deal with them.” Marcus looked around. Once outside of any work areas and the med bay, he took a cigar from his jacket pocket, popped it in his mouth, and lit it with a spark from his hand. He offered me one, but I abstained. The flavor was good, but I never got to enjoy the hit of nicotine. Purged too fast, like any other drug I took. “The brass wanted contact information on the Sentinels, but they’ve got strong supernatural protections. All our sensors registered them as light. We ‘saw’ their faces and bodies, but we can’t remember a damn thing. Everyone’s hoping it didn’t work on you.”
I paused at those words and tried to remember.
Vaguely, I remembered red hair, a uniform better for a stage play, and then… both faded out.
I was left with an image of a figure composed of light.
“I’ve got a semi-humanoid figure of light on all counts. Changes in shape every time I remember. Damn, that’s scary.” I wasn’t a fan of my head being messed with, but if it was bad, my powers would’ve worked on it. “I’m jealous. I’d like to play the unrecognized hero.”
“You and me both. Having to keep everything public is horseshit.” Marcus groused more as we got into more secluded halls. He was former military and got his powers while in a firefight. He never had the chance. Meanwhile, I woke up as the sole survivor while already in a morgue. We both never had the choice of keeping our powers quiet. “The brass wants everything we’ve got on them and to get them on our side. They’re not going to be happy about not having intel… but fuck them. I might not have seen their faces, but I know they’re kids. Good ones.”
“Everyone’s a kid to you, Marcus.” He gave me a glare at that, but it was true. He was nearing his fifties. He didn’t look like it. He could pull off being a bodybuilder in his prime. It was something to do with his power and how he manipulated energy. I didn’t know exactly what. “Your girlfriends can be grandmothers.”
“When you get older, everyone below thirty is a kid.” Marcus growled before we reached our operations room. He took a long puff from his cigar, cut off the lit end, and stuffed the remaining half in a tube before entering the room. The operations room still looked whole and untouched, with everyone at their stations working feverishly, but I noticed Alexis was missing. “Alexis got flown off. They wanted to get her arm reattached ASAP at a real hospital. She told me to tell you, Thanks for the save.”
I nodded and felt some relief wash over me.
Just like that, all the pain before my brain shut off was worth it.
I kept one of my teammates safe.
I took my seat at the table, and Markus sat down.
Our debriefing was coming, and even though I wanted to sleep, I kept myself awake.
I wanted to know everything about the Shadow Legion.
Just one look at them told me that they might be my one and only shot at dying if I ever wanted to.
Comments
Alpha Koka
tbf, 90% of that goofy gooberness is from the protag. Ebb there seems to be their standard mode until Hayes introduced gremliness and sweet tooth to the... thing.
Zarik0
"Just one look at them told me that they might be my one and only shot at dying if I ever wanted to." This is glorious xDD Author your just the best for these twist and nice idea like that :PP
Roughstar333
I like the juxtaposition of how the "evil" guys are just goofy goobers messing around, while the good guys are where the drama and serious moments are.
