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My Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 17
🕑 Added 2025-11-26 16:26:44 +0000 UTCMy Weekly Gag Villain Job is Pretty Fulfilling: Chapter 17
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Commissioned by Arksoul
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Interlude: Adam
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I looked up, and in the night sky a black moon surrounded by a corona of white light shone upon the world.
As it persisted, its effects became increasingly pronounced.
Humanity has been invaded by extraterrestrial forces before. They have been fought back by the greatest of heroes and the established governments. Military assets were pulled in, technologies typically considered too dangerous were brought into the fold, and some incarcerated villains were even offered more lenient terms when they provided aid.
But all that had been done in Earth’s orbit.
We fought alien invaders with the planet at our back and our industrial base easily leveraged. Arcologies already threw already-powerful defensive arrays at them and shattered alien fleets. Barrages of missiles were launched unceasingly, while ground-based coilguns fired whilst covered by powerful shields and laser defense networks powered by fortified fusion reactors. Even without powerful heroes defeating their leadership, most alien armadas were crushed by humanity’s strength without us even uniting.
Now, though?
The moon was occupied by a hostile force. A hostile force that can appear anywhere on Earth. It was a constant reminder that we could be attacked at any time, while we had to contend against our own planet. Lunar coil guns would take months to fabricate, and once established, they couldn’t be protected from enemy forces that could just smash through them with ease. Factories needed to be made to churn out more lift vehicles that could breach our atmosphere, release a payload, and return to us, whereas before we could leverage a great number of existing designs and stockpiles.
Our only hope of assaulting the moon and retaking it was our space station, and the initial attack had already failed.
For the first time, humanity looked upon a foe in the sky and could not bring it down.
The moon arrived with every night and stared at the world, declaring that we were at its mercy, and humanity was cracking beneath the weight of that knowledge. Protests against governments lying still while it loomed resounded across the world. Declarations of dictators who have made deals with the Shadow Legion are finding their way into mainline media sites. Their people are safe, and all they do is give grain, and they receive rare metals in return.
The fact that the grain they give makes more of the Legion be drowned out.
People say it's better to give in for now and then prepare for a counterattack.
As if the Legion will be fooled and tricked when it is led by a human itself.
“Oh, you’re awake.” Akimitsu’s voice drifted over to me. I found the cyborg clad only in a blue and yellow bikini and a sarong. I was at the beach near our headquarters, whose dorms used to be a resort. A drone followed her. She motioned towards it, and it closed its lens. “I was gathering footage for an upcoming marketing campaign.”
A marketing campaign that involved designer sunglasses at night and high heels.
She noticed my raised eyebrow and offered a shrug.
“It’s voluntary, and I like it. I prefer it to fighting. I and my siblings would prefer just being companions to humanity, but with threats such as the Legion, we understand conflict is needed.” She gestured at the bench beside me and silently inquired if she could sit. I shifted to the side. The dark moon lingered over the sea, casting a baleful light upon the waves. “You were contemplating the ramifications of the Legion’s hold over the moon?”
“I was. It’s driving a lot of people mad. A lot of eyes are on us. Soon, it’ll be blame or demands that’ll get people killed.” I’ve seen this happen before. Task forces assigned to high-priority targets feel the pressure when their target continues to wreak havoc. Funds tighten, oversight increases, and people are called in to testify. People get removed, or worse, get killed as we’re forced to engage without preparation. Only after the target is removed are those deaths mourned, as if they weren’t mocked and shamed into moving sooner than they should. “The Sentinels are receiving a lot of scathing criticism, but they’re unaffiliated and support themselves. They just need to be careful with any friends they make, but we’re different.”
The cyborg gave a hum of understanding before shaking her head.
“I don’t believe what you fear will come to pass. The Akimitsu corporation's sway is immense. In Japan, at least, we have nothing to fear.” The declaration made me blink, but her words made a worrying amount of sense. So much of our current operation was funded by them, and their reach was so long that Akimitsu was nearly synonymous with the government in charge of Japan. They led the nation to prosperity and even now worked to further its future, while also not neglecting the people. “As long as we remain in the head’s good graces, we shall have nothing to fear.”
“Even if some countries try to pull away their people?” I asked, and she gave a nod. “Why do you think that?”
“This location and its supporting infrastructure are key to addressing the issue as quickly as possible. They may threaten withdrawals, but that will simply leave their assets unused in their lands. Not to mention, if they withdraw, we will have no need to support them against the Legion. It is completely illogical to withdraw. That is, of course, not to say it is impossible.” The cyborg shook her head. She frowned and sighed. “Sometimes, I wish humanity were simpler and acted purely off of logic, but that would make the world quite boring.”
“Boring is good sometimes.” I argued with a sigh, and she offered me a beaming smile. My stomach did its usual twisting and tumbling, but I ignored it. “How soon will we be reinforced?”
“One month, then the first wave will be here. It will coincide with the repairs to the space station, as well as the completion of the new single-stage orbital transports.” She gestured at the construction we were protecting. It was a massive ramp that would allow for space shuttles to speed up and reach orbit without the need for incredible amounts of fuel. If it was not complete on time, then the shuttles were to be lifted into low orbit by large commercial airliners retrofitted for the purpose. That was what was said on the news, at least. In truth construction was set to complete sooner than expected, but the commercial airliners were being retrofitted in case the orbital ramp was destroyed or taken out. “They will have all the support the Sentinels can provide, along with a weapon system that can potentially crack the shell engulfing the moon.”
I recalled reading about that.
The Sentinels were hard at work. Not only were they countering most efforts of the Legion across the world, but they were also collaborating and sharing what they could. Most limitations on what they could give were on our side. The cost of their magic came through silver, gold, and gems. It was partially due to the properties of the substances, but in truth it was due to using them and losing them being considered a sacrifice. A sacrifice that empowered the effects of their ‘magic.’
The cost of making multiple obelisks that can block off areas from the Legion’s ability to simply appear was astronomical, but I was sure that governments were already raiding stockpiles, opening mines, and purchasing the materials.
Denying the enemy their ability to appear anywhere they wished was of the greatest importance.
But, perhaps, the weapon that would free the moon from the shadowy shell that engulfed it now was of greater import.
After all, we can’t win this war if the moon stays engulfed by darkness for all to see every single day.
The initiative was firmly on the Legion’s side, and we could only hope that they remained focused on gathering food and growing, rather than mounting an all-out assault on the planet.
We could only wonder why they were so hesitant and why we were receiving so much time.
…
Given the demand for gelato and the fact that it was very nutrient-rich, I decided to start making some.
It was easier than I expected, honestly, since the Imps absorbed the online classes I purchased and read through the recipe books diligently. After that it was just acquiring the machines and the ingredients, then the Imps did the rest by turning tons of milk, eggs, sugar, and natural ingredients into slow-churned gelato by the bucket.
Honestly, it was a good way to spend some downtime, and it was fun to stock up on multiple flavors and innovate. The Imps were more than happy to partake in the cooking process and learn, so I had them start learning everything. Restaurant fare was great but expensive. Good for a treat. It was much better to get large amounts of ingredients and process them to our own ends.
Maybe in a few months, I’ll have a butchery section set up for animal processing, and maybe even grain processing.
For now, though?
I’ll enjoy my gelato.
“I think I’ll have the daily special today.” We set up a small makeshift parlor outside the vast freezer room carved out into lunar regolith. We were deep into the moon. Everything on the surface was bound to be attacked, so we drilled down, found a cavern, carved it out, and shifted everything. With thousands of Imps, it was easy. It barely took an hour. We had more space and surprisingly found deposits of ice, too. Anyway, for the most part, our base was for processing food and making sure we were growing in numbers. “Thanks.”
The parlor’s attendant was an imp with a top hat and a bowtie, and the dapper little gentleman served me with gusto. Opening the large bronze cylinder the gelato was kept in, which was lodged into a refrigerated cabinet that kept them soft enough to scoop but not melting, the Imp gave me a large single scoop while I sat on a stool at the counter. The parlor was very homely with warm wood furnishings, a bookshelf, and a television streaming a movie. A little Italian café in the middle of the moon.
Today’s special was one of the typical experimental ones. A vanilla gelato with sweetened soy sauce caramel swirls and red bean. The ice cream itself was what I expected. It melted easily, was soft, and spread like silk across the tongue when it melted. Creamy vanilla, followed by the soy sauce caramel. It was faintly chewy but melted along with the ice cream, just slower. The soy sauce flavor was faint, like a hint of deep savory saltiness, which turned into sweetness at the end. The red beans were candied and were initially hard but became a bit chewy when bitten into. It was crunchy and soft, while releasing a faint sweetness with every chew.
“I give it an eight out of ten.” Above the regular flavors, but not my favorite. But that was because I wasn’t very experimental. I liked more classic mixes. A caramel gelato with dehydrated apples and cinnamon strudel was my favorite. A cheesecake gelato with graham cracker bits and some strawberry jam was a close second. Those were my nines. For ten, I had to go with pistachio spread, dark chocolate shavings, and white chocolate ice cream. That I could eat every day without getting tired of it. The last time that was made, I ate a whole canister. “What’s everyone else’s verdict?”
The imp brought out the book and presented it to me.
Ebb, being a connoisseur of exotic flavors and new foods, gave it a nine and a half, meaning that it was sure to return.
Alex favored simpler flavors and barely ate ice cream, and she scored it a seven, which was high for her.
She usually liked to eat warm pastries, so anything above five for a cold dessert was noteworthy from her.
“Well, looks like it’s going on the regular rotation, then.” The Imp eagerly nodded while putting the book away. I finished my scoop and considered another when the Imp suddenly straightened and looked straight at me before gesturing at the television, and I got a specific set of numbers. I went to the channel and raised an eyebrow. “Huh, it’s been a while since this last happened.”
It was your average supervillain with an over-large weapon on a remote island broadcasting to the world.
But the overly large weapon was pointed at the moon.
“Never mind, looks like this is something different.” I turned up the volume.
“While the fools who denied me my rightful place cower in shielded arcologies, and those who wish to see all not fit for their crystal palaces see fit to let us all rot, I have acted! I have persevered! I have created a weapon which will end this threat to the entire world!” The supervillain in question was bald and had eyes covered in a visor that was integrated into his skull. He had bright yellow robes on and had multiple metal limbs all over his body and instead of legs had slithering tendrils. Wires jutted out of his head, and cooling pillars were stabbed into his back. “Know that this day… the world owes me for its salvation!”
He clicked the glowing green button, and a stream of energy flew out of his gun.
A moment later something slammed into our protective dome.
I was surprised to find it starting to wear away.
“Damn, it’s like getting hit with multiple nukes consecutively.” It was one hell of a weapon, that was for sure. The shell was being worn down while the gun continued to fire on the television. I watched as the surface of my dome began to slowly but surely crack, parted by some sort of exotic energy that was radiating immense amounts of power. By the time it was done, numerous green cracks were over a fraction of the dome. “It’s kind of crazy he shot that sort of thing in the atmosphere.”
I was ready to just send a few Imps down there to ravage the island, but I felt a prod from the Legion of Shadow’s guiding will.
Boss wanted me to make an example of him.
The weapon, apparently, would cause grievous harm and very painful deaths to normal people. From just our passive senses alone, we could see a cloud of baleful energies suffusing the island and slowly lifting off into the atmosphere while the supervillain cackled at his ‘impending victory.’
That cackling stopped as a black disk formed above him and his island for all to see, and before the gun could be turned and fired, innumerable massive limbs rushed out all at once from the immense disc.
Claws the size of buildings upturned the island.
Fists that could grab oil tankers smashed into it.
Grabbing hands wrenched up the foundation and flung it into the ocean in crushed pieces.
Then, finally, all those hands combined and formed into a massive pillar the size of the entire portal.
Then, as a massive pillar, it bore down inexorably upon what remained of the island and crushed everything beneath it like a massive hydraulic press.
When everything was done, the island didn’t exist any longer.
Let alone the supervillain and his weapon.
Comments
Roughstar333
And so, the cold war continues. With each side stockpiling resources for future conflicts. It's nice to see the legion being powerful as well
deFarnesse
"Im just a girl..."
Maji
"I'm a gag villain," he said, using a hydraulic press to convert an island to past tense. "Just a silly little guy."
Wing101r
I wonder if this leads to more civs wanting to make deals or actually get them realize the Moon is stockpiling to finish everything in one go
Danerol
Swatted like a cockroach.
