Jess ASMR
patreon
Hi, my name is Josh 💚
🕑 Added 2024-07-31 20:22:29 +0000 UTCHello! I'm happy to announce that I will be writing my own original scripts again soon!
Last year really shook me up because of the stalker, but something I haven't been honest about is how unkind I was to myself. It took a lot of therapy and conversations in the mirror to realize that the "clog" I felt creatively was a side effect of something else entirely.
I am unkind to myself. I have been since I was a kid. It was curse my grandparents passed down to my parents who then placed the yolk on me.
After I fully committed to being a content creator, I moved to a cheap rental in the middle of nowhere, away from my friends and chosen family with nothing but a fishing store and a Walmart. I lived in a neighborhood that was racist and homophobic. I lived in a house that I refused to furnish or decorate. I slept on the floor and didn't even buy a winter blanket. I ate only junk food and meal replacement shakes. I didn't feel comfortable jogging outside or going to the gym because the people were unfriendly.
On top of all this, I ended up having to deal with a stalker with violent fantasies in the summer. I had locks on every window and reinforcements on the door and slept with a weapon nearby out of fear due to my stalker. I barely slept if I'm being honest, because every time the cameras detected motion I would jump right out of bed and steel myself. The AC didn't even work and the terrible rental property conglomerate I was under didn't fix it for a month. Even my lucky bee necklace of 5 years broke while living there.
Looking back now, I understand why I did that and forgive myself for letting fear dictate my choices. I was afraid of failing so I lived somewhere I had no business being in. I was afraid of people losing interest so I hoarded all my patronage and didn't even spend enough to eat properly. I was afraid of being an outcast so I didn't go outside. I was afraid and my physical and mental health nose dived as my body went into surival mode.
I did it to myself. I didn't dry up creatively, I closed my soul off from my body because it was too poisonous to inhabit. I stopped writing honestly, emotionally, and reflectively because I was afraid of drawing more violent attention if I allowed myself to be intimate.
The reason I've felt like there's a creative clog is because I can not create without being vulnerable. I could not express genuine love and intimacy in my writing if I am afraid of showing who I really am.
After all, if I grow all these walls and invent all these mazes to prevent me from being perceived by my audience for the sake of feeling "safe", there's no wonder that I struggle to get any words out at all.
Since then, I've moved to an area that makes me feel safe. I live in a building with security instead of a standalone house. I let myself decorate. I bought a bed. I allowed myself to dress the way I want to instead of dressing to hide myself in the shadows. I allow myself to sleep when I'm tired and not when work is done. I stopped doing things that made me unhappy simply because that's how things are "supposed" to be done. I unplugged myself from social media I didn't want to have despite the fear in my mind telling me that if I don't do this or that then everything will disappear.
This is the year that I stop running. I'm going to post song covers and not delete them even if people tell me to "stick to moaning." I'm going to write again even if I'm afraid of it not being good enough. I'm going to post things even if it makes me feel vulnerable. I'm going to turn off my computer when I don't feel like working. I'm going to view creating erotica as an art form and not spitting it out like a printer. I'm going to listen to my happy. I'm going to make things when I feel passionate and not when I feel obligated to. (For example not forcing myself to record a ramble when I'm not actually horny, because faking being horny is actually a soul draining experience.)
I want to start posting more about my life not because I really want attention or anything, but because I want to challenge myself to stop being afraid of people. I want to start posting content with my face so I can confront the fear of being outed as a sex worker. I want to build up to the point where if someone in real life asks what I do, I can unabashedly say I create intimate erotica.
I still have lots to do to build up to that point, but that's the journey I've decided to go on. Baby steps!
For my first baby step I'd like to reintroduce myself.
Hi, my real name is Josh. I like long walks to the grocery store and despite my brand being pink and blue, my favorite color is green. My favorite animal is the honey bee!
Comments
RayRay
I haven’t been on patreon in awhile but when I have the means I love supporting you, finding yourself and getting back into things that you love is the first step and I personally am dealing with doing that for myself. Yes your content is amazing but I feel your personality in your posts keep doing what you love and desire. There’s always an open door 🍀💋
Célèste
I don't know if you will be able to read all your comments here. A lot of your words hits home and the main thing I want to say after reading your words is "what a beautiful ode to yoursel". What you did is what everyone need, accept how they are and do what makes them feel good. I am sorry you were going through all of that but I am happy that now you are in a better place and safe ! For me, you don't need to be scared to post different things, I hope you will also continue with your sweet moaning videos that i can't live without but i am also curious for other type of contents you wanna share ! The singing got me curious as I am sure you have a lovely voice ;) In the end. Hi Josh !!!! Welcome back <3
Utopia
If I'm gonna be honest. The job you do is hard work and not many people could achieve such thing and I respect you for being able to express your feelings to us! Your very strong Josh! (Light-heartedly I also love green and I like bumblebees!) I know obviously I don't know everything about you but I know you would be a fun and wonderful person to spend time with or being friends with you! Your amazing and remember you have people that love you for you! Tbh you seem like a chill person and someone I would love to be friends with (obviously not making you be friends with me I'm just saying) 💚
Celestial Mage
Hi Josh 💜
Peach (Kirajyox)
Heyhi josh! So proud of you!
Megpi
I like listening to you because you act and sound just like how I see my husband being. When he is not around, I like to imagine that my husband is speaking to me. I think you are unique on your own in an awesome way, but I can’t help but notice how similar your voice and way of reasoning matches him to a T.
Karolynn
Shame is such a life killer. We feel so much of it for every reason in the book, but have to reach deep to find why we should be proud. We should be proud of the things that make us happy because happiness is so hard to find. You’re doing the right thing. You’re learning to cherish your fragile happiness. Keep doing that and you’ll find joy, which is much stronger. I’m on that journey with you too, all of us are. You’re not alone and you got this in the bag. Wishing all the luck to ya, Josh. And btw, your style is MWAH! Boho perfection
ChaosNote95
Hoi Josh 😊👋
nekori
Nice to meet you Josh. I'm Adrian. I am so happy and so proud of you for how far you've come. Everything you've survived. And idk, hearing your story, part of your story at least, helped me as well. Thank you. Either way, I just wanna say, keep doing your happy. You got this. You are genuinely one of the sweetest, kindest people I've got to see in my life (at least the parts of you that you showed us) and I do wish you all the best. On an extra note: bees rule and green feels like life... yea. Good things.
Miluko Moon
Truly a touching story Josh, you are a true beautiful soul who has a lot to do and I’m sure that whatever makes you happy will be a blossoming one, we all go through such situations where we feel like we’re lost but we can fight through it when we begin to forgive ourselves. I wish you the very best in your life and hope you still have the light within you. Good luck Josh💜
mari
Hello Josh! Wishing you the best 💚
mimi
it’s amazing to learn and see you starting to take care of yourself, Josh <3
Shrimply_fintastic
Awwww Josh, you’re a beautiful soul. I’m so glad you’re beginning to not care what others think. I too was abused and have a chosen family too. A lot of what you’ve shared is an experience I can relate to in some ways. I’ve come to learn that when we focus so much on what others think about us, our personal perception of our own value becomes less meaningful. You’re so strong and so brave for sharing this with us. Being a sex worker is not shameful and you’ll find many people out there that accept you for you and don’t shame you for it. Your experiences can make you into the person you are, but they don’t define you. The stalker was not your fault, the racism was not your fault, the bigotry of your neighbors was not your fault. You may have sunk into a deep pit of self hatred and fear, but you are finally realizing that that’s not good, and that in itself is not a baby step, it is a HUGE STEP! You’re a beautiful person, a wonderful human being, and capable of so much! Don’t let the bad thoughts win because as you’ve seen, they can destroy you, but now you’ve found new strength to fight back and your loyal fans will fight alongside you! We love you <3
mcxyp
I can't express how happy I am for you and all the amazing things that are within your future that are waiting for you!!! It takes so much courage and trust to share all of this with us and to be vocal about these things that have been such a private part of your life. Thank you for trusting us enough to share something like this! I'm so excited for your journey ahead and I can't wait to support you the whole way through it! It has been a pleasure supporting you for the past year or so and I don't plan to stop! I'm so proud of you Josh!!! You have all my love!!!! 💚💚💚
Stephanie Jackson
You got this! And your words resonate with a lot of us, so we appreciate you being human, your work, and your commitment
AliceMcFly
Lots of love Josh ✨❤️
Zibeliiiine
Hi Josh, it's nice to meet you. Stay strong for that healing journey, your community supports you josh, I support you 🫰🏻
Sharka
Oh and by the way, you have some serious swag in that photo! :D
Sharka
Hello Josh, thank you so much for sharing all this. I'm so sorry for all the bad stuff that has happened to you. I think you are mega brave and strong and I'm so glad you are doing better! I wish you all the best on your healing journey. <3
Cammie_24
Never underestimate your strength, nice to meet you Josh 💚
snoopy~
We love and support you Josh, continue to be amazing 🫶🏽
LS
Nice to meet you josh! Im sorry the journey was rough, but im happy you made it! 💚
Lys
I am happy with what I read, you finally allowed your heart to speak, you finally allowed yourself to speak, you are free, I am sorry for everything you experienced. Finally you offer yourself love and it is not selfish, yes continue to move forward by taking small steps, take the time to stop and look at how far you have evolved, I wish you that you can say that you are proud of yourself, sincerely without lying to you, it is true that it is not easy to show your vulnerability, I hide it too but it comes out when I write for people I love and without that they couldn't feel what I feel, accept it little by little, don't forget that you are free, you are free to do what you love and everyone who loves will naturally come to you. The color green means rebirth and nature, you choose it well, I wish you the best Josh because you deserve it🫂💚
Cera
You‘ve been through a terrible time, i‘m so sorry to hear that and wish you all the best ✨
Mighty Hungry
Hi Josh, I hope every day from now on gets better and better ❤️
Sleepy CowLover
I had no idea you had a stalker I'm sorry to hear about all your troubles and I'm gald you're doing your best to heal little by little ❤️
zeri
i haven't been here for long and i'm not very good with words but i'm so fucking proud of you
October
What a courageous thing for you to write! I applaud you, you are going to do great and the more you live your truth the happier you’ll become! Trust me! You will learn to love yourself in ways you’d never think to imagine!, you’re going to do great things for yourself and your future! You got this! I’m rooting for you, love! 💜🤗
Solal_Unwanted
Hey Josh! Nice to meet you 😊
Krystal Katara (Kit-Kat)
hi Josh! it's so good to hear from u! thank u so much for being so open minded and just so open with all of us! we all truly care a great deal about u and hope that everything is looking up better for u! I, for one, just love how much u've changed and how much u've grown so confident in urself! it takes a lot of guts to be confident and comfortable just to be confident, but it also takes a lot of retrospect to want to change for urself and for the better! Good Luck and much love to ya hun! thank u for all that u do! 🫂🫂🫂😘💋💋💋🤭☺️☺️☺️😇🙏🙏🙏😄💜💜💜
tabs
Very nice to meet you Josh. i'm so happy for you, hope this is a start of a wonderful journey 💚
Luke Reynolds
Thanks for opening up to us. Glad you feel comfortable in sharing all of this! Looking forward to more work.
Tokemi
I love this for you, and I hope there's more happiness coming in your future. It can be hard to admit when one has been hard on themselves, so I think this was incredibly cool of you to share with us. On another more unserious note: big loser energy of the ppl judging you for song covers like??? Ooo you make erotic audio, as though they don't have something that gets them off too 😒 it's giving unhappy with themselves cause they cant express themselves freely. Whatever, sucks to suck. Please, don't let them stop you from exploring creative outlets you're interested in!
KGlass
Once and Future Witches is a great book!!
nunu
We’re proud of you, Josh. This journey will be a tough one, but I (along with many others) wish you all the best in your pursuit of happiness. Always take care of yourself and I’m sure we’re all looking forward to seeing you develop as a writer and creator 💚💚
Chas
Good luck man, we're rooting for ya
Gigi
Hi Josh! Happy to meet you!
Dandy lion
I'ts very nice to meet you Josh. :]
KnightEnjoyer
A skater, artist, audio-maker, singer, reader, and you’re getting into script writing?? I respect the grind and the talent🫡
Willow Park
Wow it's beautiful, hi Josh 👋🏻💚
Carlyn
Nice to meet you Josh! I’ve been a patron for a few months now and it’s been wonderful to see you grow and change. I know you’re meant to be a happy and creative person, and to see someone recognize their worth is amazing. It takes a lot of courage to share any part of yourself with others. I’m glad to get to support you and show my appreciation directly by being a patron! Thank you for all you do💚
fresheima
Reading this make me smile, it made me feel like I can be glad and honoured I get to see a little part of your life and enjoy your art and creativity, nice too meet you Josh! 💚
Bea
Congratulations Josh!! You deserve to be happy and do the things that make you happy, even if not everyone enjoys them. And you don't have to feel ashamed for making sexual content. Everyone has crazy fantasies but people are really hypocritical in judging the creators of sexual content but they are the first to consume that content in the shadows. I wish you the best in this new journey ❤️🫂
anx.metart
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚
Chardonnaya
And also I want to say what i forgot to say is im so happy you’re gonna be posting covers i remember how you said you didn’t want to because of the negative comments ect , you show everyone how amazing you are & I’ve heard you sing before and your voice is amazing so I’m looking forward to the covers ! You’ve done a long way & be proud of yourself I’m truly proud of you!! Thank you for sharing this with us & being on this Journey with you I’m happy to be , and I just wanna say (un-parasocially) I care about you & have a lot of love for you & it’s deserved!! Yes i know im just some random person on the internet who don’t know you or anything but supports you but you are cared about ! Love from the random crazy British human who likes to be annoying lmao - Chardonnay aka char :3 🩷🙂↕️
Ninouillles
Hi Josh ! I'm so happy you're doing good ! keep up the good work
the_Hexecutioner
This is beautiful. Thank you for being open with us and sharing your humanness, it is refreshing and I’m sure we’re all rooting for your continuous improved health and your new path. I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and will support whenever the capitalistic gods make that possible for me. 🫶🏾
NyNy
Btw I see that you have tattoos! Does the one on your hand have any important significance or meaning?
Anto
Happy for you actually enjoying what you do, being able to express yourself and treat yourself nicely and I hope all your future endeavors go pretty well. <3
toastyy.design
So proud of you!
NyNy
Hello! Nice to meet you, Josh! I'm fairly new to your Patreon community, but just from this post alone (why did my brain reread that as Post Malone? Lol) it sounds like you've been thru hell and back. Stalkers make me sick. I hope that one day, all of their sick and twisted behavior catches up to them and karma struts onto the scene. 💅🏾 Also, reading this post has actually made me feel inspired to draw more. I keep saying I wanna sell my art online and make a full-time career out of it, but then I procrastinate and think my art isn't good enough to sell. I have online shops created, but not active, yet, and this is why. 😅 I'm super glad that you're slowly learning to treat yourself better cuz you deserve it! You deserve happiness and all the good fortune and cute honey bee themed shit your heart desires! 🥺💜🐝 p.s. I'm Nyah or NyNy and purple is my fave color. Honey bees are pretty cool, but I prefer foxes! Sorry for rambling on for so long lol p.p.s. Fuck all of those haters who said you should "stick to moaning" cuz wtaf is wrong with them? I hope they step on a lego, trip, and stub all 10 of their toes. They finna be in crutches after that Lego is thru with them and we're all gonna be cheering about it from the sidelines lmao
Andrée-Anne
Hi Josh, nice to meet you
Ace
It’s true what they say- green is the color for lgbt+ community. We all like it lol
XxGamerxX
Hi Josh I’m so happy that you’re able to feel comfortable enough to share this about yourself
raeV
Green *is* a pretty sick color. Nice to meet you, Josh. Excited to see what you've got coming!~
Abom01
Hi Josh! Nice to meet you! And green is an awesome color!
𝕭𝖎𝖗𝖉𝖄 🥀
Nice to meet you Josh. Im so happy you are doing better and cant wait to see what comes next <3
Penguin
Beautifully written, I’m glad to hear you’ve moved to a place you feel safer at. Honey bees in several cultures through out time were seen as divine gifts and symbols of perseverance. Without them we wouldn’t even have half of the beauty in our world. ❤️
dogwheeze
Thank you for sharing, we are here to support you through whatever you decide do post from now on. Much love to you 💚🐝🐝
syd
we’re all proud of you and happy you’re in a better place Josh💕💚🥹
Honey
Nice to meet you Josh! Wishing you love and light as you continue on this journey.🖤
sheju
I’m genuinely so happy for you! 💜 As a lurker, it was so disheartening to see you struggle so much. But, I’m so glad you sought and got the help and resources you needed at the right time to realize these things! I want to be hopeful and say it’ll all be going up from here and now on!
Aine
Much love, Josh, and I’m glad to hear you’re doing better. Welcome back 🐝
Sozo Noto
Happy that ur better now, we are so proud of u 😁
Jazmin
this is just my own side tidbit. I was listening to Matilda while reading this. It very much fit. I hope that you find the right way to create the way you want to!! 🤍
Baina Urban Black
I always hope you to be happy💚
ShotzaPetrone
Thank you for sharing your experience, Josh. Your intelligence and emotional depth when you write is honestly an inspiration. Keep creating. 💚
Chardonnaya
I’m so proud of you!! 🩷
Jay
You’re doing amazing sweetie it’s ok to take baby steps to get to where you want to be💛💛💛
heehee hoohoo
ohhh bitch immaculate taste in books
Juli
Hello Josh 👋 you can be proud of yourself! Keep on going forward and listen to your own voice rather than that of others. I know the toll it can take on your mind when you force yourself to do something because "it's your work" especially in the sex work industry. Glad you start to care more for your own wellbeing. Wish you all the best!
strawbbpisc
💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚💚🐝🐝🐝🐝🐝 this is so brave of you! Wishing you lots of happiness and love! You deserve it!!!
TeenyKC
Nice to meet you Josh! I also love honey bees! I’m glad you’re doing all this for yourself! We’re all proud of you!
moon
I'm so proud of you for this, it's so nice to meet you Josh <3
migo
❤️❤️❤️
Amie Moni
Thank you for share Josh, Welcome home!
RippaRoeni
Nice to meet you Josh! I look forward to your content and what you will post and enjoy doing!! You’re doing so good luv!!🩷🩷
LittleMai
It’s nice to meet you, Josh. ^.^ Looking forward to knowing you as just yourself.
Jazmine
Amazing! Thank you for feeling comfortable enough to share YOU with us!
King Max Dodger
It's so nice to meet you Josh
Doechi
The first steps are hard, so I'm glad you had the breakthrough and strength to make them. I hope your future is full of kindness, joy, and that you continue to thrive!!
Sleeeeepybug~
It’s nice to meet you Josh ☺️ and I’m proud of you 💛
