sonicether
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A personal update: my recent mental health journey
🕑 Added 2022-06-28 07:45:47 +0000 UTCHey, all! I hope this post finds you doing well!
It's been a long time since you heard from me. Some heavy things have happened in my life that have had a profound impact on my creativity, and I'd like to share what's been going on.
I've talked a bit about some mental health struggles I've had in the past. I would like to open up and share my story in hopes that it may be helpful to someone. I usually don't like to talk about personal stuff, but if sharing my experience has a chance of helping someone, that's a good enough reason for me to do this. If you'd rather not read about such stuff, just know that I've been doing better recently and I'll be sharing news about my creative stuff in another post!
One last disclaimer is that I am merely sharing my story and am not offering any psychological, psychiatric, or medical advice. If you are suffering, seek help, please.
CW: mental illness, anxiety, substance abuse, SI
I have had struggles with my mental health for as long as I can remember. Several traumatic events in a row in the past few years, and I found myself in a really low place. I tried medication, but side effects made me give up on the concept of medication altogether. Having nowhere to turn and being desperate for relief, I started self-medicating with alcohol.
When the pandemic started, things got really bad. I've always been an anxious person, and the pandemic did horrible things to my anxiety. Alcohol became my only escape. I knew that I was poisoning myself and accumulating emotional debt with the habit, I knew that alcohol is no medicine, but I couldn't emotionally afford to think about any of that. I was in agony and willing to do anything to relieve the pain.
This escalated until summer of last year. One morning after a typical bad night of sleep after binge drinking, I had my first panic attack. I decided I had to quit drinking right then and there.
I knew that suddenly removing a coping mechanism wasn't ideal, but I had become afraid of drinking again and having it kill me, especially since I had seen my mother struggle with heart issues from alcohol consumption. I decided to try going to a ketamine infusion clinic, since I had heard good things about how ketamine can help with depression and anxiety. My ketamine experience didn't include therapy, and my set and setting were not right. I was also actively going through a crisis. I believe these factors led to my negative experience with it.
The next few weeks were very bad. I was totally without any coping mechanisms, medical help, or therapy. I felt like I was piloting a plane through a hurricane, requiring constant white-knuckled effort to keep from losing control and spiraling into panic--a battle I was frequently losing. My anxiety went into overdrive. I became afraid to eat, to sleep, or to walk across the room. I was trying to get help but I wasn't being taken seriously. And every day around the time I'd normally start drinking, this indescribable sense of dread and hopelessness would set in and last until I finally fell asleep from exhaustion.
I was fighting for my life and losing. I was far beyond the point of wishing I weren't alive anymore. I was fighting to hold on, but my grip was weakening, and I knew I wouldn't survive another day if I didn't get immediate help. I called a crisis line and was admitted to a psychiatric hospital. The doctor at the hospital prescribed me medications that helped tremendously that were non habit-forming. Mental health care has a long way to go, and there's a lot that could have been much better about my experience in the hospital, but it absolutely saved my life and was the turning point I so desperately needed.
I can't say whether medication and therapy are right for you or anyone else, but they were absolutely right for me. I am still recovering, going to therapy and taking medication, and have stayed away from alcohol.
10 months ago I felt like I had fallen into a hole that I'd never climb out of. My life felt so far from being worth living, I didn't think it was even possible for things to get better. Not only have I climbed out, but I'm healing wounds that I've had my whole life. I'm learning why I fell in and why it was so hard for me to climb out. I'm learning to forgive myself for struggling and to stop being so mean to myself. I'm seeing beauty in life that I couldn't see before. My life isn't just worth living now, it's precious to me, despite being imperfect. I am still recovering, and I've had some setbacks, but I am healthier and happier than I've been in a very long time.
If you find yourself in a dark place, I hope that my story can give you hope that you can heal and things can get better. This pandemic has been a nightmare. It's okay to be struggling, and it's okay to seek help. There's nothing wrong with being in need of psychiatric help. I now look at my situation as me having sustained a serious psychological injury requiring emergency treatment, no different than if I had sustained a serious physical injury. If I hadn't felt so much shame about my mental illness, I may have been able to get the help I needed before things got so bad. I hope that sharing my story can help anyone who might be feeling too ashamed or hopeless to make a move.
I don't even know how express how thankful I am for your support. I can't imagine how much worse things could have gotten if I had to worry about not being able to afford the care that I needed. Also, thank you so much to those who have been so chill and supportive. I hope this offers some clarity as to why I haven't had much to share for a while.
Since things have gotten so much better, I have been able to work a lot more on my creative projects in recent months, and I'll share what I've been working on in the next post!
Comments
Nathan Jones
Good shit man I'm glad you're doing better keep up the great work
Nicholas Krasowski
Very happy to hear you had the courage to call a help-line. You're a very intelligent person and I think your self-awareness and from what I saw in your story (the ability to recognize that your sudden onset mental health situation beyond your normal experiences was more a result of a few unfortunate events rather than some long-term fixed absolutes), is what really helped in keeping you on the right line to ultimately making that call. I think your story here really highlights that valuable habit of reminding ourselves to be conscious of the good times and make note so that when harder times hit we can look back and remember how great things can be. Like so many people who get hit with it, I look back to 7 years ago where I was in a depression pit from the end of a crappy 5 year relationship, and I really don't recognize myself. I still wonder how I could have been so blinded by depression to think that it was a forever state, while also feeling so awful mentally, physically, inside, and out. I had totally lost sight of life prior to that relationship and all the good times. Never forget your worth KINGS!
Rich_DCC
Keep at it there is light other end, the brain can fool you.
Rich_DCC
Amazing work and contribution to others thank you
Atmosphere Of Tech
Good luck! Wishing you a full recovery and expecting new amazing projects from your side :)
LimeDragonBoi
Wow, you are quite strong for surviving such a hard situation in your life. "If you are suffering, seek help, please." I don't feel like I am really suffering enough to get help, but some people, that I tell a lot have told me to go see someone, but I definitely won't. My life is good enough and I think I'll leave it like that for a while. Remember: We all love and support you.
I hope you can get well soon, stay strong man, I wish you the best and thanks for all your hard work!
Glad your doing better, thanks for the update !
NakedSunFlower
An amazing story, besides, I'm just sure that it can help someone, since unfortunately there are a lot of people with similar problems in our time.
hey bud i just wanna stop by and say your work has breathed new life in minecraft for myself and my daughter who 9yo is completely in love with you work. All us hope you feel anew soon much love from california<3
VitAnyaNaked
<p style="color: #008600;">I'm glad that everything in this sad story ended well for you. You are a strong person and have gone through a lot ... I wish you a final recovery!</p>
Thanks for the update and be well man
M.Sameed C
If you were to share this at early stages of your metal problem I would have helped you trough out the problem and not only me but all your fans and supporters and friends would have been there to help u. Glad your ok and you are the main reason I'm motivated for the past 2 years to keep on going on what I want to do.
I lived 3 decades before being diagnosed with autism. Not to mention I have cPTSD from that as well as bullying and other trauma. I also have PMDD (https://iapmd.org/about-pmdd) You are brave for sharing your story. Thank you. https://www.facebook.com/AUTISTICandARTSY87/
Voxel Music
Good luck on feeling better. If all else fails, there's always: "It is what it is".
we are glad your doing better!
I can't provide any advice, but thank you for sharing. As people often say, we have to be far more open about mental health and the impact it can have on lives. I'm sorry to hear the struggles you have been going through, but glad that you have the courage to share, and that you are tackling it head on. Good luck with your recovery. We are all rooting for you!
只要对生活继续充满希望，一切都会变好起来的,加油
Realism Mats
I'm glad you're doing well, take your time to recover and enjoy the new life to the fullest.
Ultimate Immersion
I can't even imagine what you've been through but I had a minor breakdown about 10 years ago when I was in college and I felt it when you said when the sense of dread and hopelessness, visits you on a daily basis. For me it was soon after I'd wake up and lasted until I fell asleep from exhaustion. It just seemed like a black filter fell in front of my eyes and my anxiety and fear skyrocketed, I found no point in life and didn't see any beauty at all (not even suicidal just completely numb). Luckily it only lasted for a few months and I refused to take any medication because I've seen people around me who were using it plugging even deeper from addiction and side effects (don't take my choice as optimal it was my choice at a time and I wasn't even nearly as deep as Cody's story). I was trying to seek things to divert my attention from that thing that visited me every day as much as I could, delay and and ignore it. Would still overcome me but after a while the times of influence became shorter and shorter and eventually I beat it. By the end of it my girlfriend at the time helped me a lot to go through it and progressively increased social life (which may be a better cure than you think even as an introvert). I never told her or anyone about my experience until now. I've totally suppressed it and even forgotten about it which means I cured it and it luckily never returned and hope it never does. I'm still not sure what triggered it but I think it was marijuana. We were bored in a small town at college and smoked it on a daily basis for a year until I decided to cut it completely. A month or so after that started. I'm glad you're feeling better man and that you started living again. Stay strong and enjoy your life!
Glad you're okay, was worried about you.
HardTop
The pandemic has been so brutal on lots of people's mental health, I can't imagine what you've been through with the struggles you had beforehand. I suffered from debilitating anxiety at some point in my life and needed medication just to be able to be somewhat functioning, and I'm sure what you're going (or were going) through was tons harder. I'm sending you good vibes man.
