Milc/C.J. Milnes
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Chapter 92 - Toilet humour.
🕑 Added 2025-09-05 18:17:08 +0000 UTC“How did you think I was going to frame Hateskale?” Agatha asked as she took my arm and led me toward the group containing both our host and her victim.
“I don’t know. Leave a clump of his hair under her fingernails? A note from his minions saying not to mess with them in the future?” I hypothesised.
“Dear Bob. You really aren’t the brightest, are you? If you want to control the outcome of an investigation, what is the easiest way to do it?” We were on the stairs down to the next terrace, and I glanced about nervously as she continued happily chatting about how to frame someone for murder. We kept a wide berth between ourselves and the other people moving about, but some of them came close enough that I could hear snippets of their conversations as they passed.
“I don’t know,” I ground out through clenched teeth.
“Well, first of all, having a clever, well-regarded detective in place to provide a swift analysis is always going to be helpful.” She curtsied slightly as a fat man in a tunic that appeared to have been hammered out of gold nodded his head to us and winked at Agatha as he headed to the upper levels.
“That doesn’t help if he’s a clever man and figures out the truth.” We stopped a short distance from Nardshire and Foreverknot, who were engaged in an animated discussion, both women gesticulating wildly.
“Oh dear, it doesn’t look like they’re getting along, does it?” Agatha whispered. “She’s going to have another drink any second now.” Sure enough, Foreverknot threw back her glass and drained the last half.
“Why can’t we hear them?” I whispered, looking everywhere but at them directly.
“Privacy screen. Now, an honest man would be a problem, getting back to the issue a hand. Clever, well-regarded, and honest don’t always go hand in hand, though. And there she goes.” Foreverknot had thrown her glass on the ground and stormed away towards the distant wall and the door at its base. I couldn’t see any signs, but I figured she’d know where to go for a piss.
“Sally! My darling! You simply have to meet my friend here!” Agatha called out, and Nardshire looked up, then gave a bright wave at the vampire in disguise. Agatha dragged me closer.
“Jemina! It’s been so long! And who is this handsome fellow?” I suddenly found I had Agatha on one arm and the countess on the other.
“Baronet Bob! He’s now a champion of the Arena! Did you hear? He slew the dragon that killed Brigitte earlier today!”
“Erm, no I–”
“Oh, this is him? A pleasure to make your acquaintance. Tell me, darling, did you eat that vile beast?”
“Erm, no. That isn’t how–”
“He’s so delightfully modest! So strange in a beast! Maybe he could show us his proper form in a little while? Can I leave him with you for a moment, my love? I just spotted Archy, and it’s been so long since I caught up with the old rascal!”
“Of course you can, sweetheart!” purred Nardshire, pressing herself against my side. “I’ll try not to wear him out for you!”
Agatha smiled and winked and fucked off to leave me all alone with this sex pest and her groupies.
“I say, you fought in the Arena?” one of the chinless males burbled. “No place for a man of good breeding, out on the sands. It’s for peasants!” I fixed him with a level three glare, just short of using Hunter’s Gaze.
“And you are?” I asked. I didn’t want to piss off Nardshire, I needed her on side if possible, to vote for Dalgliesh’s bill. Which reminded me of why I was here.
“Oh, Gerty, just because you’re not cut out for it!” snapped one of the other women present. “I am Lady Petunia, Sir Bob. A pleasure.” She held out her hand, palm down, and I shook it awkwardly, earning a look of surprise as she snatched it away.
“See? The monster doesn’t even know basic etiquette!” Gerty scoffed. I licked my lips briefly, getting a taste of the air, and marked him down as the scent of smug. Onto the menu he went.
“It was something of an accident,” I said politely while glaring daggers at the fop. “But that’s not why I’m here. Have you heard of the Dockworkers Bill, Lady Nardshire?”
“Pfft. Peasants being peasants, my dear. What interest do you have in it? You should visit the city more often, Sir Bob. I’d be only too happy to entertain you.” She almost whispered the last part.
“Well, that is one of the reasons it’s caught my interest. Von Kolbens brought it to my attention when I visited him yesterday. I’ve got some bulk goods to move, and I’ll be setting up barges from the Mill to the city. It would allow me more excuses to be in the city if it were to pass. You see, it affects my profits directly.” It didn’t, but anytime I said profit, it sounded like I really meant it. “Also, it’s a hard life for the common people; a little kindness goes a long way to maintaining the peace.”
“A soft heart as well as a soft head,” sneered Gerty.
“What the fuck did I do to you, asshole?” I snapped, my teeth elongating slightly as I bared them at him.
“No decorum at all! Sally, dearest, perhaps we should take a walk. The air around here is so polluted now.” He waved a lace hanky in front of his nose as he glared at me. There was a non-zero chance that there were going to be two murders done this evening. Keep it cool, Bob. You’ve been doing so well. You didn’t need the ascot at all. It was you all along…
“I come from a world that treats the average citizen a little better than this. Not out of kindness. If someone is fat and happy, they don’t cause trouble. It’s not in their interests. I think the bill takes us a step in that direction.” I said softly, smiling down at Nardshire, where she clung to my arm.
“What big teeth you have!” she said softly. “An outremonde with a soft heart in the body of a beast! You really are delicious!” She pinched my left buttock hard as her voice returned to normal. “Is there trouble brewing in your district, Petunia?”
“Some of the gangs have been agitating. And the communists are always a problem. Other world ideas often cause problems,” Petunia said, giving me an odd look that I couldn’t read.
“I’m not a subscriber to that creed, profit makes the world go round. But the bill may help to counter these agitators. It’s hard to get strikes going when the workers are happy.”
“Piffle! Send in the guard, or hire some adventurers to break up their little meetings,” Gerty argued. “Remind them who's in charge!”
“I’d appreciate an opportunity to discuss the bill in a more intimate setting.” I offered Nardshire. She smiled like the cat that got the cream.
“And you shall, my dear, perhaps once the festivities wind down a little, we can retire to my private rooms and discuss the matter in some depth.” I don’t know how she made ‘some depth’ sound dirty, but she did. This was going to get tricky. My Lust-Monkey wasn’t interested in this angular woman. She was beautiful, in a mature way, but compared to my buxom barmaid, she was a poor sight.
“Of course, I’d be delighted,” I lied with a straight face. It was at this moment that the first screams rang out. They spread like ink dropped in water from the doorway that Lady Foreverknot had passed through on her mission to relieve her bladder.
“A murder!” A high-pitched voice screamed, carrying above the general hubbub.
Men and women in armour and dark cloaks appeared around us. Other groups of lords and ladies were suddenly surrounded by their own specialist bodyguards. I really hated ninjas.
“A what?” I managed in a suitably shocked voice. Gerty glared at me. Might have overdone the hammy acting there.
“My Lady, I must be shown to the crime scene at once!” Gerty said to the limpet on my left arm.
“Gerty, you’re on vacation! Lastor, who is the victim?” Nardshire didn’t sound that bothered about the fact that one of her guests had been killed.
One of the looming guards stepped closer and spoke low enough that only the Lady and I could hear. Having her stuck to me like a remora fish had its advantages. “Lady Foreverknot was killed a la commode, madam,” Lastor said. I glanced at the tall woman; her shining plate and cloak looked oddly familiar.
“Enough with the out-worlder phrases, my dear. Speak Mapakian, if you’d be so kind.” The hostess still sounded supremely disinterested.
“She was having a piss, milady. Someone had placed a Dentian Dehumidifier in the bowl.”
“A what?” I asked.
“Sally, I really must insist, when murder most foul is in the air, my game is afoot!”
“Your game is a foot?” I snapped.
“I am Gerticule De Miortarty, sleuth extraordinaire. Here is my card, savage.” Gerty passed me a slip of paper that I dropped as soon as my hand was at my side. “A Dehumidifier is controlled magitech, only the Dunnikindivers could get their hands on it!” he declared loudly. “I must see the scene before it is disturbed, please, Sally!” He sounded like he might start crying if he didn’t get his way. This was Agatha’s detective? The man was an imbecile!
“We should all go!” Nardshire declared loudly. “Lastor, liaise with the other guards, no one is to leave until Gerty has solved the crime!”
“Sally! Darling! Have you heard?” Agatha came rushing up, straightening her elaborate gown.
“I have, Jemina. How was Archy?”
“Quick as ever! But such fun! There’s been a killing!” Her dress was finally smoothed over her hips and looked almost as good as it had when I’d first seen her earlier. She shot me a wink.
“Jemina, perhaps you could accompany me to the crime scene?” Gerty asked pointedly. Oh great, the fucking detective was not only a moron, but a jealous one. He’d also taken an instant dislike to me. I hoped Agatha had proper control over her pet.
It was like playing bumper cars as we made our way to the ladies' lavatory. Our guards came into proximity with those of other nobles, and through some form of magnetic repulsion, a mostly straight path opened ahead of us.
Passing through the doors and back into unexpanded reality was slightly jarring. The corridors were empty, everyone having fled back to the main hall, and we were led past several doors to one that was slightly ajar.
“I’m not sure if you are all sanguine about the sight of blood?” Gerty demanded, pulling out a pipe and loading some brown material into the bowl. He lit it with a snap of his fingers. I really needed to work on removing the verbal elements from my spell casting.
“There won’t be any blood if a Dehumidifier was used,” said Nardshire, who had refused to let go of my arm no matter how often I tried to subtly scrape her off on a wall.
“Indeed, dear Sally. But the sight of someone killed this way is still quite gruesome. I made a study of the mummies found in the tombs of the Sandslip Desert. After hundreds of years, they were reduced to brittle things, all the moisture removed. They would crumble to dust in a strong wind. I really must insist you all breathe gently, despite how distressing the body may appear.” Gerty was really getting into the swing of it now. He pontificated like a world-class authority on the subject.
The lady’s toilet was luxurious. Gold taps, velvet drapes that must be a nightmare to get the smell out of, it would be like having a mini-hoard to perch on when I took a dump. An idea that I found strangely appealing.
“I’ve a villain to catch!” Gerty declared as he approached the stall at the far end of the row.
