Milc/C.J. Milnes
patreon
Chapter 93 - Villain revealed!
🕑 Added 2025-09-08 20:02:20 +0000 UTC“Do you see how the lips are the most desiccated. They ought to be the least; all the fluid in the body had to pass through them as part of the rapid dehydration. So in theory, they should retain their moistness for the longest period, and any lingering dampness that escaped the spell effect would be in that particular area.” Gerty was in his element, the rest of us forgotten as he waved his pipe about and waffled on. He’d been going for a good ten minutes at this point.
The other nobles were twittering and talking quietly among themselves, occasionally claiming to know exactly what the wannabe-Sherlock was on about and just how right the genius was. Imagine if Elvis, towards the end, had looked like Tutankhamen, and had still died on the shitter. That is what the remains of Foreverknot made me think of. I made a note never to piss Agatha off and never to be anywhere near Gerty should something interesting happen. He sucked the life out of the room as surely as the trinket had sucked all the water out of poor Foreverknot.
“Now, as to the colouration of the lips on her face, that is likely caused by the metals in her makeup. Have any of you read my treatise on the use of lead and other heavy metals in makeup? Fascinating stuff. Chemistry is one of the few things the Outremondes have contributed to the modern world, and even its majestic wonder fails to make up for how unruly and ill-mannered the invaders are!” A bit racist, but whatever, dude. Just get to the point and blame Hateskale already!
“My makeup is poisonous?” asked Nardshire, still stuck to my arm like bubblegum in hair.
“Dear Sally, as with all things, the poison is in the dose. Moderate use of lead and mercury is perfectly safe,” Gerty said, turning to puff out a cloud of smoke and smile at her around the stem of his pipe. I opened my mouth to argue that he was wrong, but thought better of it. Name the bloody culprit already, you windbag!
“It’s a devious plot! What kind of mad genius would risk angering the Dunnikindivers? And why would they hate this poor lady so much?” Agatha asked plaintively. Nardshire finally detached herself from my arm and rushed to her friend's side. Was this some weird mind control of Agatha’s? Did she actually use this disguise a lot and had built relationships with these arrogant assholes? I shook out my arm slightly as the blood began to flow again.
“Why, my dear, I solved the crime within two minutes of seeing the scene!” Gerty exclaimed with levels of smug that should come with a health warning. Every head snapped round to stare at him.
“So why have we been breathing dead-lady dust for the last however-long?” snapped Nardshire.
“I thought you were interested in my methods.” Gerty sounded hurt. Good. “There are many ways to slay someone in the lavatory. Mixing reagents into the water that react with the ammonia of the urine is simple enough, but too obvious. The smell of the reagents is pungent, and the gases accumulate too slowly; one would have to seal the victim in and make the space airtight. Even then, it would take some time. As with any room, razorlight can be strung hither or thither to allow the victim to take a little off the top. A bognurgler could be secreted in the U-bend, ready to invade the next bottom to grace that throne.”
If this dude didn’t get to the fucking point soon, I was going to accuse him of the deed and eat him.
“The use of the Dehumidifier is the only clue that one needs to focus on. A controlled device, used exclusively by the Dunnikindivers in the event of profound bowel disorders flooding the sewers, it is not easy to come by, but the black market sells all sorts of horrors. So the mastermind of this crime is someone with an animus against the most powerful guild in the city. Guilds are on the up and up, at the moment. More and more of the peasantry are banding together, inspired, no doubt, by filthy Outremonde ideas of collective bargaining and–” he sniffed pointedly in my direction, “solidarity among the lower classes.”
“I already told you I’m not into that shit. I was pretty much apolitical back home!” I snapped, earning another sniff that turned into a cough as he caught some smoke from his pipe in his nose.
“Nonetheless, barbarian concepts are rising. We were discussing them earlier, regarding the dockworkers legislation. Lady Foreverknot was a well-known opponent of that bill, a leader in the movement, in many ways.”
“So it was one of the people supporting it who did this?” gasped Agatha, throwing me a glare. Bloody untrustworthy vampire assassins. I inched back a little. Not enough space to transform in here, but one good breath attack would turn this lot into greasy candles.
“Perhaps.” Gerty began to pace back and forth for a moment, then produced a violin from a bag of holding and began to pluck discordantly at the strings. We waited patiently as he made a god awful racket that echoed from the gilded tiles.
“Perhaps?” Agatha prompted when it became clear he wouldn’t resume solving the case on his own. He looked up and grimaced.
“Perhaps not. Foreverknot had suffered some setbacks recently. Her aborted attempt to take over the northern territories almost precipitated a civil war with Baron Pratnip and his followers. Which was stymied by a certain moronic dragon.” I was counting these insults and feeding them to the Wrath demon in my mind. Soon, my fiery red friend, soon we would take our revenge. All eyes swung to me, and I raised my hands defensively.
“I didn’t bloody do it! She invaded my town, and I also kicked Pratnip out. I don’t have a dog in that fight!” I said hurriedly.
“I am not accusing you, Sir Bob. This level of planning is far beyond your limited mental capabilities.” That was another one for Wrath. “No. This was an internal struggle. Her faction's leadership was unhappy with her performance, so they forcibly retired her. The culprit is the one who stands the most to gain from her death. And who is her deputy?”
“Hateskale!” gasped Nardshire. “Why that underhanded villain. Using my party as an excuse to clear his path! What an uncivilised bastard!” Clearly, the venue, rather than the death by instant dehydration, was the real problem here. “Lastor! End the lockdown! Find Hateskale and have him arrested!”
“Yes, my lady.” The voice came from thin air, and I resolved to either find a way to see these invisible bastards or to find a spell to let me mimic them. The guards had vanished as we reached the bathroom, and it hadn’t occurred to me they were still in here with us.
“Well, now that that’s done with, how about you and I take a quiet walk along the verand?” Nardshire was once again glued to my arm. What the hell was wrong with these people? I hadn’t gotten around to resculpting my face into giga-chad mode yet.
“But what about Hateskale? He’ll need dealing with?” I asked as she began to lead me back to the main hall, the rest of the nobles following along like baby ducks. I shot a pleading look to Agatha over Nardshire’s head, but the vampire just smirked and winked at me.
“Oh, the guards will sort all that tedium out in no time. What is it like to fly? No spells, no machines, just you and your wings, pounding the air so hard it has to give way to your desires?”
“It’s nice?” I replied as we reached the main hall. The party was already back in full swing, as though nothing had happened. Guards were once again invisible, trays of food were being consumed at a rate that would have made human me blink. The conversation had resumed, and once again a quiet cacophony of voices filled the air.
“To just slide into the warm, moist embrace of the sky at will must feel so liberating…” She licked her lips and gazed up at me. No way, lady. She was the female version of Von Kolben. I shuddered to think of how she was actually dressed; that gown was probably an illusion hiding some bondage bodice and stockings.
“Oh, look! I’m sorry, Lady Nardshire, I really must have a word with my good friend Von Koblen before I leave,” I babbled.
“You’re leaving so soon?” she pouted and pulled away from my arm slightly. I needed a spatula, greased with lead-laced makeup, so I could just pry her off and escape.
“I’m afraid so. I need to get back to the Mill tomorrow. I will be back in town soon, though. I’m contractually obliged to fight in the arena again this year. And all those barges of lumber and metal won’t organise themselves! Thank you so much for a wonderful evening! You have a good one!” I yanked my arm free, nodded my head, and hurried away. As soon as I was out of sight, I leaned back against a pillar and snatched a glass of something that fizzed from a passing tray.
“You have a good one?” I muttered to myself. Hardly the best closing line. Was I working at a till? Have a nice day! No. I was a goddamn dragon, and these human nobles were, almost all of them, degenerate weirdos. No wonder the Empire was fucked. The pillock on the throne was, by all accounts, a Lozenge, and his nobles were more concerned with their genitals than actually running things efficiently.
“Don’t be too hard on them. It’s the only way they know how to be.” I jumped and found Agatha leaning against the pillar to my right.
“You’re too quiet.”
“I can speak louder if you like?” she shouted at me, drawing eyes from the nearby people.
“No. I meant you–”
“I know what you meant. I wasn’t reading your mind, by the way.” Her seeming to read my mind again didn’t make me feel any more comfortable. “Your sort are always the same when you stumble into high society. It’s why Outremondes tend to gravitate to the Adventurers Guild. Mapakian politics is all about who your great to the power of ten grandaddy was.”
“Did it work?” I whispered, mugging furiously. I really didn’t care about politics. If it wasn’t for that psychotic teenage gangster, I’d already be back in the warm embrace of Esme’s… pub.
“Oh yes. No one will question Gerty. The constabulary hate him, but he’s never wrong. At least he’s never been found to be wrong.” She gave me a toothy smile, canines extending slightly in the process.
“So we’re good?” I did not want to be on the bad side of someone like Agatha.
“Of course, my dear. All square and ship shape. If you see Bulldo, please let him know I’ll be underground for a while, but he’s welcome to come pay me a visit. You’re heading north again for real? Or was that just to escape the handy noblewoman?”
“I’ve got a couple of things to do on the way, but yeah, I’m heading home. Need to score some good karma on the way, so I’m probably going to eat some slavers and highwaymen as I go. Do the world a favour, you know?”
“How noble of you. Well, dragon, it’s been a pleasure.” She extended her hand palm down, and I shook it awkwardly. “You’re supposed to kiss the back of my hand, you dolt.”
