E. M. Syvertsen
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All too real
🕑 Added 2018-05-15 14:30:31 +0000 UTC (trigger warning: I'm adressing the topic of sexual assault in this post, including the link to a public confession by someone that is rather graphic. Reader discretion is advised)Queue rant:
So, I just found out today that an artist I used to like the music of has been accused of raping her best friend.
I am not taking sides, but I want to address this either way because the situation described is actually far more common than a lot of people might know, and I also feel that it is important to shed some light on the fact that women can be rapists as well.
Society has for a long time had this very one sided view that only men can be rapists, only men can be violent, only men can be physically/verbally/psycologically/sexually abusive, and only men can be pedophiles.
This is not the case.
Rape, violence, physical/verbal/psychological/sexual abuse, pedophilia and other similar crimes, it is not tied to any gender.
Women can be all those things.
The scary thing, in my personal opinion mind you; is that women can get away with these things more easily.
Women can abuse men, women can abuse children, as can men, as can genderneutral people, as can transgender people.
To conclude:
Any of these crimes can be committed by any type of individual.
Oh, and hey; any type of individual can be a victim to these crimes too.
So personally I get real angry when I hear bullshit like "men can't be raped/abused by women," or "girls can't be rapists," or "only men are pedophiles" or even "you can't be raped by your boyfriend/girlfriend".
Again; none of these crimes are tied to any one gender, or occupation or sexual orientation or whatever.
Also, quick side note, while we're on the topic of debunking myths: pedophilia is not a sexuality and should not be compared to things like homosexuality, bisexuality, pansexuality, transsexuality or any thing like that. Pedophilia is categorised as a paraphilia in fact - a word that sort of litterally means "to love something else". It's on the same list as dendrophilia (a sexual attraction towards trees), necrophilia (a sexual attraction towards dead people) and a ton of other things - some of which are "innocent" fetishes and some of which are actual crimes if acted upon.
Back to the topic though.
The musician who was allegedly accused of rape, was the victim's best friend.
I am not going to claim to support either of them, because I don't know enough about this to really take a stand.
Being raped is a gruesome thing. Being falsely accused of rape is also a gruesome thing.
I haven't really dug too deep into this particular case, but I have read the statements of both people involved.
I don't like going out with names but since this is already as public as public goes I'll share the links to their statements:
This is the public statement (tweet) of the person accusing her best friend of raping her:
https://twitter.com/timethyheller/status/937817806216691713
And this is her best friend's response to the accusation:
https://pbs.twimg.com/media/DQRFNiIWkAAhRCk.jpg
I'm a bit late to jump this bandwagon, so many of you might have heard about the Timothy/Melanie drama already.
I am not a big fan of neither Timothy, Melanie or drama in general, so I kind of don't feel like getting too involved in this as far as taking sides go, although seen from a neutral point of view based purely on what Timothy wrote and how Melanie responded, I gotta admit I am not at all consoled by how Melanie chose to handle this. Heck, the way I see it her response only emphasises the credibility of Tim's story.
So much for not taking sides, huh?
But I will elaborate why I see it this way, and use examples from both the real world, my characters and myself to some extent to - not side one against the other, really, but to prove that this is actually a fairly common thing that happens to people. And I'm also using this as an oportunity to stress the importance of recognising consent, or when there is none.
I actually want to address Melanie's reply first, because to be honest I feel like it is a very manipulative response that also gives itself away.
I feel that it is worded in a way that is crafted to make people feel sorry for Mel, as she paints herself in a martyr-like light, and also in hopes of inducing more guilt upon Tim by using the same overpowering techniques that Tim already described Mel had been using. But the thing that I feel makes her give herself away is the one sentence "She never said no to what we chose to do together."
...okay see, Mel... thing is, there are tons of ways one can say no without having to actually say the word "no".
This is where consent comes in, a concept Mel either does not understand or knowingly chooses to ignore.
Consent can, however, be a tricky thing.
But in essense it is really simple:
"Do you want to have sex with me right now?"
"No"
"Okay, then we won't have sex right now."
"Do you want to have sex with me right now?"
"Yes"
"Okay, then we will have sex right now."
*while having sex*
"I changed my mind; I want us to stop having sex right now."
"Okay, then we stop having sex right now."
The "right now" part is essential as well, because consent isn't permanent.
The whole point is that both parts have to express to one another that they both want the thing out of their own free will.
So convincing, guilt tripping or forcing someone to change their mind so they will have sex with you, still means that they actually mean no.
Pressuring someone into sex or having sex with someone without their consent, is rape.
Giving consent = yes.
Not giving consent = no.
Two consensual adults having sex = ok
Having sex with a non-consensual person = rape
Consent is very simple, and very complicated all at once. The best thing to do is ask, obviously, but also learn how to recognise/read signs of reluctancy and stop at any signs of it. Not all people are that good at expressing lack of consent (for various, personal reasons), so the better option is that if you are unsure of whether they actually want to sleep with you or not, ask them a few extra times - and make sure to let them know that they don't have to if they don't want to.
Remember to take care of yourself too; if you wanna stop, say so.
Also, having a boner does not equal wanting to have sex. A bit random, I know, but still important and sort of relevant:
The body and mind can disagree sometimes. Same goes whether you are a boy or a girl or both; being horny doesn't necessarily mean you want to or agree to have sex with someone. Your body just reacts the way it thinks it's supposed to react.
Also, just to complicate things further; not getting a boner doesn't necessarily mean you don't want to have sex either: like, say you find yourself in a situation where you are both consensual and you want to sleep with each other, but the guy (or transperson) you're with can't "get it up". It does not mean they don't like you or don't want to have sex with you (if you're both still consensual), there can be a lot of reasons why it just doesn't get hard. Most commonly; they're nervous. Maybe they are thinking too much about wanting to preform right or are too focused on having to get it up, or maybe they've had some shitty past experiences where they've been ridiculed or treated badly in some ways and just need to feel like they can relax around you first and trust you not to ridicule them or be impatient towards them.
Same goes for girls (or transpeople) if they can't orgasm. Guys too, actually.
Also, if neither of those things apply it could be medicinal causes, so maybe see someone professional about it if you have any concerns.
Still, just.. be patient with each other, okay?
But in either case, remember that you never HAVE to have sex with anyone, and you should never force or in any ways pressure anyone to have sex with you.
Both of you are allowed to change your mind during the act, just make sure to express it. Like, if you're having sex with someone and you were both consensual, but then you change your mind but you don't express it in any sort of way, then technically that does not mean the other person raped you. Cause normally they would have stopped (or should at least) as soon as you expressed in some way that you didn't want to.
This goes the other way around too; if someone expresses to you while having sex that they want to stop having sex, you stop.
So, how to express consent?
I think we can categorise them into verbal and physical cues. Cause you know, telepathy isn't a thing as far as science is concerned. But let's say you are mute and also are incapable of physical movement or ways to show reluctancy (like, if you're tied up then that sort of already goes under the category of rape I guess, unless you're both into bondage but at least then you probably have agreed on a safe-word or some other way to say "stop") then I think facial expressions count as a cue too, is what I'm trying to say. Like if the person you're banging won't make eye contact and is crying, then that probably means no.
Common sense is a mandatory category I guess.
So when Mel said that Tim "didn't say no", that does not mean that Tim wanted Mel to do the things she did, especially not after Tim in her statement revealed in just how many different ways she had tried to say no but Mel didn't listen and kept pushing on until Tim was overpowered.
Cause that's another scary thing; you can hold someone down without using any physical force at all. The mental power a person can have over another is usually far stronger than they would be physically capable of.
This is why, say, a short and scrawny woman could totally overpower a seven foot tall body-builder guy, for instance, despite his obvious physical advantage.
I think that a lot of people are being guilt-tripped into sleeping with someone, and a lot of times won't see it as rape because they've been tricked into thinking that they were okay with it because they didn't physically resist or literally say word by word "no I don't want to have sex with you", or find other ways to further blame themselves.
Read Tim's testimony; see how many ways you can spot that she did express in some way a lack of consent, and also try to spot how many times Mel continued to ignore Tim's reluctancy and tried convincing her instead.
Tim's testimony is a classic example of how this type of rape happens.
And it is not uncommon for it to happen between people who are very close. Best friends, partners or even relatives.
Statistically most rape victims were raped by someone they knew.
And some times people were raped without realising it until years later.
I can empathise with Tim in the way she described finding it all difficult to deal with because of how she loved Mel and thought so highly of her, and how that conflicted with the bad things Mel did as well.
I have been in situations quite a few times where I have been "convinced" to let someone sleep with me, usually because they would act or behave upset if I said no.
Sadly, this became normal for me after quite a few years, and almost lead me to do the same to someone else:
I'd been used to guys who would be upset if I didn't want to have sex with them, so there was this one guy recently whom I'd been dating for a bit, and had consensual sex with, but he was very relaxing to be with in the way that he'd sort of suddenly just stop and want to just hug and cuddle instead, and I kind of loved that - how sex didn't have to be a chore, but how we would instead sort of "fool around" for a bit, but then not really follow through and instead just hug and talk about random stuff instead.
Cause we'd both been in past relationship that had us be fairly tense when it came to sex.
But one time we lay in bed, just cuddling, and his hand sort of rested on my lower abdomen, you know? In past relationships this has been a clear indicator that they wanted to have sex. So I took it as a hint and tried fondling him in response. He pushed my hand away, so I stopped, but soon his hands were on those same indicator places again, so I continued responding the way I thought I should. I learned later that I'd totally misread him. Cause he really was just resting his hands there, and since I didn't show any signs of not wanting him to have his hands there then it was fine. Which was true; I was madly in love with him and liked that he had his hands there. I was not ready for sex right then, but sort of responded automatically to what I thought were silent hints and indicators that he wanted to have sex right then, because that's how every other guy had "told" me (if I didn't respond to their hints they'd be sulky and upset that I didn't want to have sex with them, and those two both had very similar ways of "asking" so it became a taught wordless language for me).
But at one point this guy I was so in love with, actually told me that I had to stop trying to have sex with him when he didn't want to.
And that felt like an ice punch in the chest.
Because I had no idea I had even been doing that; I had honestly thought he'd wanted to. So I asked him what about the hints he'd been sending? "What hints?" he replied. I told him about what I thought had been hints, and learned that he wasn't someone who gave hints in the first place, saying that "if I want to have sex, trust me; you'll know" and upon request explained how he would show that he wanted to have sex.
And so I learned that he spoke an entirely different language, and that the way I'd been treated before was not normal, and I realised the danger of thinking that sex speaks only one language, as treating someone else the way I was used to having been treated almost caused me to rape someone I loved without even knowing it.
So that was both terrifying and relieving; that he told me no and also explained to me how he as an individual would express consent or lack of consent so that I wouldn't misread him again.
So learn from my mistakes: ASK THEM FIRST.
And learn from my past mistakes: don't let anyone guilt trip you into having sex with them, not even your partners.
There are some universal ways to show or express that you mean yes or no, but there are also individual ways of saying it, or showing it.
So again; if you're unsure, ask them.
Actually, talking about the way you both view sex can be very educational for you both, and it will help you understand each other better.
Also know that people have different sexual needs, as in amount, you know?
Cause you have everything from asexuals to hyper-sexuals / nymphomaniacs. Maybe you're someone who'd love to have sex every week or more, but your partner feels like once a month or less is fine. Or maybe you're the one who thinks once a month of less is fine, and have a partner with a higher sex drive.
Libido varies from individual to individual, and we all just have to respect that.
Someone will need more time and patience than others to get ready.
And also, sad but true: finding a common ground or a compromise when it comes to sex isn't always easy or even the best option. Sometimes the best option actually is to find a new partner.
I'm totally trailing off, sorry XD
The Tim/Mel issue actually reminded me a lot of how Sam and Spike's relationship used to be back several years ago when both characters were very different from what they are now.
I think I've mentioned it before?
I kind of thought I should elaborate it, but I've actually got some old comics about it which I feel explain it better.
Cause Spike was the insecure type who felt like he owed a lot to his best friend, and his best friend Sam used this to pressure Spike into letting Sam take advantage of him sexually. Sam was a typical manipulator, knowing exactly what strings to pull to get things his way without any regard for how Spike felt.
I drew a few panels of the third page, but never stomached to finish it. Now I can't even look back on it. Things were just going too dark with this story, and Sam - who actually had started out as this sweet, innocent little puppy-like guy - had now become a character that seemed to spiral into someone worse than Charles.
At one point even my characters became aware of how things needed to change..
..and they became the characters they are today.
But the whole Tim vs Mel thing I stumbled across today was an uncanny reminder that although I felt that the way that Sam treated Spike was way too cruel for a best friend to behave, it is sadly something that real people have experienced. And I know that Tim isn't alone in how she was treated. I've since realised that a whole ton of people experience this sort of sinister, manipulative treatment from someone they love.
I have sort of brought some of it back in the current SPIKE story, but in a quite different way as well.
It is sort of a spoiler, but also not as it has been leaked a lot already and doesn't involve Sam and Spike, but rather: Saunders.
And no, not Terrance. Terrance is one of the good guys.
But Sam's mother - Saunders' first girlfriend and "wife" (unofficial marriage) - did not treat Saunders right at all. But he put up with the abuse until Terrance opened his eyes for him, and helped him realise the damage it was doing to little Sam as well.
And with Sam being Saunders' kryptonite, Saunders had to tell the woman he loved that she had to leave. Even being forced to go as far as to having to fight against her in court for custody over his own son.
Telling her to leave broke his heart, but staying with her had completely broken his spirit.
She had gone progressively worse over the time they were together. The woman Saunders loved with all his heart was also the person who treated him the worst. Terrance was the only one who saw it for what it was and repeatedly tried to convince Saunders to get out of it, hating to see his best friend being stuck in a relationship with someone who yelled at him, belittled and ridiculed him, broke him down and never hesitated to slap or punch him. Eventually Terrance got fed up with seeing the defeated look in Saunders' eyes and talking to deaf ears, and would take action himself. He witnessed her slapping Saunders one day when he overheard them arguing and had been on his way to calm them down. Seeing her hitting him made him see red, and he literally stepped in between them, yelled back at her and threatened to call the cops on her for domestic violence unless she got the hell out of there and stayed out.
She left in anger, and Saunders felt terrible for her. Convincing her to come back a few days later, which was when Terrance realised just how damaged Saunders now was because of her.
Even over a decade after she finally left Saunders and Sam alone, Saunders is still feeling the effects of the way she treated him, only he's not seeing it as her fault and he still misses her.
Saunders might seem happy and confident, but there's hardly any one character in the story more insecure or with a lower self confidence than Saunders has.
And while he claims the reason he never started dating again was because he still loved his ex, the true reason is more a fear of getting stuck in the same situation as his first relationship had him be. He just won't risk having to experience that again.
Sam knows nothing of this though. He was too young to remember much of it anyways, but still flinches and gets scared at really loud sounds without understanding why.
Sam is also not very good at dealing with his emotions as he has seen how his father handles them and believes it to be the norm: Whenever Saunders is upset by something, he hides. Like, literally goes away and hides someplace until he's calmed down, then returns smiling and acting like nothing's bothering him.
Saunders does this because he feels it will be better for Sam to be surrounded by happy people, not wanting him to feel scared or sad or on edge when someone else is in a bad mood - like Saunders would feel around his ex.
But it doesn't have the desired effect on Sam at all and instead has him feel ashamed of his emotions for not being able to hide them.
This also leads the two to never really talk together about their problems, and Sam doesn't know anything about how his father feels or how he's been.
Terrance is the only one who knows, and he knows everything about Saunders - being the only person Saunders has ever dared opening up to, and also having seen some things from a different, clearer perspective than Saunders has.
Terrance is always the first person Saunders asks for advice. To Saunders, Terrance is not just his best friend but something of a father figure as well. Or older brother in Saunders' case, as he was raised by his older brother more than he was by his actual father.
And to Sam, Terrance is like a father. He calls him "Uncle Terrance" on occation (usually around Spike, just to emphasise that his dad and Terrance aren't a couple), but Terrance has helped raise him and been there for him as if he was his father also.
In fact Terrance actually lived together with Saunders and Sam for pretty much the first ten years of Sam's life.
So you have your shitty best friends (like the old version of Sam, or like Mel was to Tim) and then you have your awesome best friends (like Terrance is to Saunders).
I hope all of you have awesome best friends :)
Be safe, take good care of yourselves and each other <3
and thanks for reading my walls of text XD
