jordangotosleep
patreon
Update: Changing the name back. I'm ready to upload and be myself.
🕑 Added 2019-12-01 01:18:34 +0000 UTCHey patrons, Jordan here.
Tomorrow, the name of my Patreon will be changed back to Jordan go to sleep, and the URL will change back to http://patreon.com/jordangotosleep.
The good news is, I finally have a lot to upload. The channel will be alive and kicking again. But it may not be game reviews.
This last month, here on Patreon we talked a lot about potentially making game reviews again, in the interest of giving old fans closure, and to help fund the kind of stuff I prefer to do on YouTube. But unfortunately, it didn't end up being as easy as planned. Trying to make game reviews again has taken a huge toll on my mental health. It was kind of an eye-opening experience. In the past, I was never much of a game reviewer. Most of the time I wasn't even really much of an avid gamer. It's always been somewhat of a forced process, and i think I've always been doing it for the wrong reasons.
Way back before I ever did reviews, I was this basically this eccentric, existential, nature-obsessed (sorta' hippie?) guy who made music all the time. Video games weren't often a big part of my life, though once in a while I'd get fixated on them. (Although they were admittedly a bigger part of my life in lonelier, introverted portions of my childhood). Somehow I got really inspired by YouTubers around 2013, and the reviews originally were something that just sounded fun in the moment. They weren't really 100% me, and they were extremely difficult to make, but I did have a bit of fun making each one. When they started to take off in popularity, I... don't know what happened. My OCD latched onto the character I was playing, this new persona, and I started to change the way I viewed myself.
My childhood/teenhood was full of trauma, and the game reviews, financially, were kind of a way to escape that trauma. So I started to just work on them non-stop all the time and forgot who I really was. Although I did put plenty of my genuine self/feelings into those reviews, a lot of them heavily misrepresent who I am as a person, my childhood, and even my opinions. Sometimes in the game reviews I would say things about myself that weren't even true, just to fit the narrative of the Underneath character.
Nowadays, trying to make game reviews, it's more clear than ever that it's not a very natural process for me. Even if I were passionate about game reviews and wanted to, crippling OCD still makes it pretty grueling. I think I'd be better off getting a day job to support my channel.
But as always, I'm never opposed to any idea, and I will never shut the door on game reviews -- it's always there to return to if I ever feel capable. Obviously I managed to do it just fine with that Starman review, so hey, I'll never say never. But right now, I'm ready to just be myself. I'm ready to upload a lot of music-centric stuff and put a lot of feelings into it. And I'll actually try to use my voice more often, too. I know people miss that.
On the subject of the channel name, I'm really sorry for all the name changes and confusion. This will likely be the very last one. I was working through a lot of anxiety the last year, panicking over lost patrons and a gradually falling income. Almost every name change was the result of that panic, as well as trying to rush finding myself / learning artistic mediums. There was never enough time for such drastic changes, so many of them resulted in, well, more anxiety. The last change, go to sleep house, was basically just me expecting the puppets and Cella to fix these problems, but I felt that was unfair -- I needed to fix them myself. I'm changing the name back to take responsibility for the channel and put my all back into it. (But I still work with Cella a lot, and am still interested in collaborating with others! I'm just keeping the general idea of the channel focused on my own work).
Also, the Jordan Underneath Archive channel is completely finished. I'm just holding back on posting it because of the questionable way it affected my anxiety / mental health. The edits and uploading are all 100% done, but I need to wait to make sure I'm certain I'm comfortable sharing it.
Comments
MaximumUtmost
Do what you need to find yourself. It's what we all want for you. We stand behind you because you, and what you do, resonates with us on deep and personal levels. Never give up!
Pikapillar
I appreciate your music and art, Jordan, and really hope you’ll do whatever you need to take care of yourself. As your fan, you’ve got my support.
