QuasiEludo
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Chapter 2: Meeting the Hero
🕑 Added 2018-12-05 18:44:17 +0000 UTC“Sigh. Mr. Eludo… let me make sure that I wrote down your testimony correctly.” the man pauses, looking over his papers again.
I nod back towards the man in a black business suit, awaiting his reiteration of my explanation…
“Your job is that of… Professional Summoned Hero?” asks the man. The other suited detective, ‘I think his name is Todd,’ stays silent, glaring at me as though I have been the one wasting their time for the past several hours and not the other way around.
“Correct.” I reply.
‘When you think about it, naming a child Todd seems like something that a parent who was completely unprepared for a child would do. I mean really, how hard can it truly be to give a child some kind of awesome, epic name?’
“In this job you are summoned by gods to save people or destroy monsters and such. Correct?” he asks again.
“Yup.”
‘Like really, just go online and literally search up epic names and you’re going to get names like Beowulf or Asmodeus, something amazing that would make everyone remember you. So in the future, your kid could tell people that his name is that of an epic historical hero or the name of a powerful demon lord.’
“And when your contract as a ‘hero’ is finished, the god sends you back to earth with barely any time having passed?”
I nod.
‘When you think about it, I’ve done many heroic things in my twenty eight summonings from earth.’
“When you return to Earth, they pay you by using their… godly power to,” he sighs, “create money and deposit it into your account. Is that correct?”
‘Can you imagine, kids being named after me because of my heroics?… No, that would kinda suck.’
“Um… Mr. Eludo?”
‘I wouldn't want so many people to be named after me. I mean, really, my name is unique.’
“Quasi Eludo?”
‘Yup, Quasi Eludo, a very impressive name if you ask me. Practically one of a kind. I think it means to win through trickery or something. I wonder if it’s possible to make it even better?’
“Sir?”
‘Yes, perfect! Maybe I could get knighted in England. Sir Quasi Eludo. I knew it. Sounds even more heroic. I wonder what it would take to be knighted by the queen? That would be pretty impressive. Mayb-’
“YOUNG MAN, STOP IGNORING US!” Todd yells out, startling his coworker sitting next to him.
‘Young man? I’m over nine thousand in mental years. Sure my body might only be that of a twenty-five-year-old sexy piece of meat, but I have a significant amount of life experience… life experiences? Lives experiences?’
“Todd, you don't need to yell. We’re in my living room.” I gesture expansively, showing my living room… and the many naked statues of myself in manly poses. “I can very clearly hear you from across the table.” I say, watching the big, black suited man as he glares from the couch he is sitting on.
‘I have to admit, he has the, ‘I want to strangle you,’ look down pretty well.’
“My name isn't Todd, it’s Bob.” he growls.
‘Wait, his name is Bob?’
“Oh, you poor thing.” I blurt out.
‘Shit! Did I just say that out loud?’
“Errr… um… sorry about being distracted. I have this bad tendency to monologue internally.” I scratch the back of my ear, an annoying habit I gained from one of my summonings. “When you live so many lives, you end up getting bad habits later on in life. Placing my body on autopilot while my mind wanders is one of them. It… can get pretty bad, especially if I’m driving.
“For example, there was this one time I got on the freeway here in Chicago and found myself in Wisconsin several hours later.” I shift in my chair. “I left to get some groceries from a store a few miles away; next thing I knew, I was crossing the bridge to the UP. Very annoying experience might I add.
“But… it wasn't all bad though. There was this very cute girl at the convenience store. We chatted a bit… then I woke up in her bed.
‘Wait! How the hell did I get into her bed?… Oh!
“I think she may have drugged me.”
The two suited men stare back at me, flabbergasted and confused.
‘They seem to have that expression a lot.’
I blush. “Right… um… we were talking about Bob… no wait, it was about… money?”
Bob-Todd facepalms and sighs deeply.
‘At least his friend seems fine… Crud, what was his friend's name? Ugh… names are annoying.’
“Yes, Mr. Eludo, this whole conversation and the reason for us being here are so that we can find out how exactly you are getting millions of dollars that didn’t exist beforehand.” suited man number two explains to me.
‘How many times must I explain it to them?’
“Look, I’ve told you the truth and nothing but the truth. It’s not my fault that the government is unprepared for dealing with the supernatural.”
Both men groan loudly, exhausted from dealing with the man before them.
When they were told to look into a young man who had been depositing excessively large amounts of money at random intervals, they thought it would be a simple job.
They initially figured the young man had an overseas account with a large financial backer who had been sending large sums of money.
Unfortunately, this youth refused to tell them even the most remotely believable of lies.
“Look, kid, all we want is the actual truth. None of these lies about magical beings and gods.”
Before I can answer, my soul vibrates, signaling the incoming of a powerful being.
‘Oh, thank god… literally and figuratively.’
I stand up from my cozy chair. “Alrighty,” I clap my hands, “as much as I would love to continue this conversation about how I gained my unfathomable amount of wealth and ineffably sexy body, I, unfortunately, do have plans for the night. So I must ask you both to leave.” I gesture towards my door.
The two detectives look at each other and nod, having talked to the young man for several hours already and gained no useful information. They quickly pack up and leave.
After I shut the door behind them, I walk back to my chair and sit down.
Not even a minute after they leave, I hear the screech of a wooden door. My head turns towards my closet, where an extremely handsome man in a red and black suit stands confidently in the now open doorway.
With perfect posture, he walks forward, his shoes strike the wooden floor with purpose, a relaxed and confident smile on his face as he approaches.
He walks to the second lounge chair to my left and just drops into it without a word. Right leg crosses over left as his gloved hands find their place on his knee.
‘Ehhh… I would give that entrance a seven out of ten. He could have very easily gotten an eight if he hadn’t entered through a closet… this is the seventh time a god had chosen to use that specific closet…’
There is a long pause as neither the god nor I say anything. Neither I nor the god is willing to make the first move. We continue to sit and stare, waiting and watching each other.
‘So that's how you want to play it.’
With a grunt, I position my elbow on the armrest, hand holding up my head as I take a calculating look at the man.
‘Confident, easygoing smile, relaxed and unmoving posture, eyes glinting with a certain amount of intelligence… but that smile. A cheeky, know it all, calculating god doesn't ever have a smile bursting with confidence… Heh, so you expect me to agree.’
“I accept.”
His eyebrow lifts up.
I mimic his smile. “I accept the job. When do I start?”
The muscles on his lips twitch.
‘I win!’
His smile widens further, showing his teeth as his calm eyes narrow. In those eyes I can see the hints of madness.
“Explain.” He voices authoritatively, not at all used to being read.
‘Ahhhh fuck. Of course, I have to get an insane god as my next employer.’
I sigh. “All heroes have one trait that allows them to become… well, heroes.” I pause, thinking about how to word this correctly.
“My own trait is that I have absurd intuition. I know and perceive things on an instinctual level. Thus, it becomes difficult to hide anything from me.”
I scratch the backside of my ear. “For example, I know that you have absolutely no experience in dealing with heroes and that I am your first. I bet that you had this long speech prepared to convince me to work for you, completely expecting me to accept.”
I fidget in my seat, his piercing gaze making me feel slightly uncomfortable.
“I uh… figured it would be better to accept and save you some time.”
The god blinks, his smile widens further.
“Heh.” The god shakes his head. “Excellent… truly excellent. I must say, Mr. Elduo, you have already exceeded my expectations.”
‘Yay, I get to live!’
The god sits back into his chair, still smiling like a sexual predator.
‘Yup, he’s definitely crazy.’
With a flourish of his hand, a golden contract appears above his palm, floating a few inches in the air.
“I was expecting the great Quasi, professional hero extraordinaire, to be something of a mercenary, but I am very much delighted that I was wrong. You have shown a bit more capability than that.”
The god flicks his hand. The contract quickly flies through the air, stopping in front of me.
Picking it up, I start to read. This god used the template I put on my website.
‘Mhmmm, length of term is until death… reward is at least 10 million in American currency, blah blah bla- Destroy the world? What?’
“You need me to destroy the world?” I ask.
He nods. “I am a god of chaos. My role is to induce change. Unfortunately, the world Orbis has been stagnant for such a long time that drastic measures have become necessary.”
‘Crazy. Bonkers. Off his rocker. Certifiably insane!’
“So you want me to destroy the world so it can be saved… That's quite a tall order. What do I have to work with?”
“Unfortunately, I need you to be as ignorant as possible about the world. The only advice I can give is that you should not fear the mist.”
‘Oh boy… I am going to be summoned to a world I know nothing about…? fuck.’
“Well, can you at least tell me your name?”
He shakes his head.
‘This just gets better and better…’ I sigh.
Giving up, I return to the contract before me and continue reading.
“A body will be provided in the image of the summoned…” I whisper.
‘Interesting, seems like humans are at least one of the species I might deal with. That makes it a lot easier.’
“The world is mana-rich…”
‘So time will travel significantly faster in the other world. Always good.’
“Summoning will be unorthodox…”
‘Never saw that before.’
Finishing up on reading the contract, I press my hand on the paper and feel my soul shift. The contract glows and disappears, my soul now connected to the god.
“Well then, Mr. Eludo, I bid you farewell. I must prepare your summoning, which should be within the week.”
The god lifts his hand and snaps
Reality bends in front of me. Like a pool of water converging, the god disappears to wherever he needs to go.
I pause, a frown grows on my face as I stare at the spot the god had been sitting.
‘That fucker just stole my chair!’
