Jack Saint
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PROJECT 21SM: Update 1
🕑 Added 2021-06-01 05:16:07 +0000 UTC"Too long have I hidden away in the cozy harbor of self-deceit. Never again. I will either come to terms with my soul's burden or die trying. A man can live no other way and remain a man."
- Jim Starlin, Silver Surfer Vol. 3 #48
Today marks the twelfth day of my first ever prescription for antidepressants - Wellbutrin, for the curious. I'm not gonna lie folks, it's been a little all over the place - even the post you're reading now is something I've stopped and started many times over the past week, but with the end of the month--ok so as I typed this it became June 1st, but the point is I wanted to get this out because you've all been so kind and supportive as I've been through this, and I at least want to return the favor with more frequent posts letting you know what's actually going on with the channel. This, my first in what I hope to be a string of updates, is my effort to do so.
Pretty cool thumbnail right? I forgot to include this in my last update video, which is kind of a shame since I'm almost certainly not using it at this point. I actually used to do this sort of thing a lot, making thumbnails before actually finishing the project the thumbnail is meant for - in a weird way, doing so tended to help crystallize the exact focus of the project in my mind. When I made this, I was pretty certain my next video was going to center around Perspective - the social and political perspective that shaped my life, and the perspectives that shape the ways we all interact with everything in the world around us. Artsy-fartsy followers might recognize the piece overlaid on my weird face as one of several warehouse pieces by contemporary artist George Rousse, part of a project centered around the notion of art that can only be seen in its totality from one fixed perspective. Outside of that...
I intended to use it as part of an extended metaphor, which I might still do, about the value of seeking real understanding of why others see the world as they do - how it can be so easy to discard a dramatically different view offhand as totally nonsensical and incoherent (as it may appear to you), when the reality is that truly grasping the process that led people to where they are can make their perspective feel immediately and uncomfortably understandable. It's only been as I've thought more about my fundamental beliefs that I've realized how much what I think is shaped by a series of unquestioned assumptions - the additional step, that said assumptions aren't just "not necessarily bad" but in some ways necessary to actually stand for anything, has been equally uncomfortable.
Both this Perspective and the Teenage Wastelands concept (the latter of which I've spoken about in previous posts) now feed into the current project, which is now titled.........
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alright I'm not giving it a title yet. It's gotten quite silly how many working titles I have for this thing right now. Even the codename for this project listed in the title of this post is based on one of the working titles, which probably isn't too hard to decode if you've been paying attention to the music I've been fanboying over lately. My general obsession has, for the most part, remained unchanged: How do we free ourselves from cycles of alienation?
My own feelings of alienation throughout my youth have obviously been a big part of my treatment process, so they've kind of unavoidably bled into the work - as I dig deeper into my past, why I see the world exactly as I do, the personal and emotional revelations have become kind of inseparable from the political. This has, in turn, changed how I look at this project. The last thing I want to do is just make this video a rambling therapy session - whatever I want this to be, I know it has to be a clear piece making a clear point, otherwise I'll feel like I'm just wasting everyone's time - but that doesn't mean I can just deny how what I'm going through is obviously reflected in the work I'm producing. I'm realising that, long story short, I have always felt an antagonistic relationship with the society I'm surrounded by - partially economic, partially based on mental illness, partially the fact that I enjoy the unique privilege of living a life saturated in online activity before anyone could have possibly prepared me for it. For a variety of reasons, I lived much of my life in dualistic terms - there was my world, which existed in my brain and scattered online communities, and there was the other world; the one outside, which I had to 'deal with' to get back to my authentic existence.
As I was realising this, I was also consuming a considerable amount of political theory material, contemporary philosophy, research into everything from religious cults to teen cliques - and the startling realization emerged that, though I started from my "oh so different" assumptions, these are patterns of community and separation which repeat themselves almost beat-by-beat, variations on the same essential equation.
The interesting thing about a fractal such as the Mandelbrot set (shown above) is that trying to learn everything about it by going deeper and deeper into it, mapping it out as you go, is a really stupid idea. Its detail is infinite (I think anyway. maybe I should avoid metaphors that involve maths). You are never going to 'get to the bottom of it', and in fact the more you make this your focus, the less you will be able to notice that what you're looking at is a pattern repeating itself based on an equation. It is, in a sense, palpably understandable - but not by falling into it.
The last few months, I've felt an increasing paranoia that I was setting myself up for a lifetime of fractal mapping - a lifetime of recognizing patterns between things, and simply regurgitating those findings ad nauseum like a parlor trick, never meaningfully using this knowledge to assert some newfound truth. That might be unfair to my own past work, but it's what I felt, and still feel a little bit. This might be the simplest way to explain why this has all taken me so long - I am, frankly, quite desperate for this not to simply be me noticing a possible link between two things, pointing that out, and then thanking my Patrons for their support (seriously tho thank you all so much for the support). As vague as what I'm saying might seen, I'm driven by an overwhelming desire to have something kind of new to say. That's what I'm working for at the moment, and maybe in the next post I'll explain exactly why thinking this way is such a terrible idea. I guess you'll have to wait and see!!
Love you lots,
Jack
xoxoxox
(P.S. I want this to be a reminder once again that Patrons should feel no pressure to stick around during this period of low activity, especially if you yourself are struggling. I can absolutely get by on the generosity you've all shown - and I hope in the coming months I can make it up to you)
Comments
Donna Chesterman
Really proud of you Jack. It goes without saying that I will always be there no matter what. You make me prouder every single day. You are unique. Who wants to be normal and what is normal anyway. ❤️
Rivers
Really glad that your meds are working out for you (based on what I saw on stream), even if it's a little all over the place. In my experience it does take a while before it stabilizes. EDIT: I didn't know pressing enter sent the comment, sorry. ;; I've also been struggling with the feeling of alienation. And though I'm not in the social sciences or the humanities, I do read a lot about it and look into the media I consume (inspired by you, incidentally!) and I have started to notice how everything just links back to us LiViNg In A (capitalist) sOcIeTy. Realizing the source of my alienation, it's not exactly...comforting. My point is that I understand where you're coming from, and you're not alone in this process of figuring stuff out !
