cheyenne barton
patreon
giant march photo diaries ๐ธ๐๐ซ the world spins on
🕑 Added 2025-04-07 21:09:57 +0000 UTCHey y'all -- sorry I'm a little late with this giant photo diaries. Tech started last week, and I always forget how much tech rehearsal wipes me out. I decided to not do my typical "add text like Instagram stories" format, just cause there were so many photos I wanted to share, so I thought I'd just type out more of an old-school style blog post about the past month and what I've been doing.
Once Ares and I deposited Soph in the car of the vet that helped her pass on the final day of February, and we came back into the apartment, Pepper was lying on Sophie's blanket on the ottoman where she had just died and I literally fell to my knees the moment I walked through the door. Pepper was sat up on the cloud tower in the dining room right when Soph passed, and I brought her around so Pepper could smell that she was gone, but she didn't move after that. So seeing her lying where Soph had just been was...overwhelming, to say the least. The rest of that evening and weekend was very odd -- I was struck with grief and heartbreak, but I also felt this incredible sense of relief? Which was strange to notice. I think I was grateful that Sophie no longer had to choke on the water building in her lungs, and I was relieved that I wouldn't go to sleep every night wondering if she might be dead by morning.
โฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆ
The following day, I went on a lovely loooooong walk with Sien and Oly and Gem -- the weather was so beautiful, and I spent so much time reminiscing about Sophie with them. Then on Sunday 3/2, Ares and I went to the One Piece Symphony which was a real treat!! Even as a fairly new One Piece fan, I had such a great time and it was so cool to see how many people were in cosplay!! Again, it was very weird to be experiencing such joy while still wracked by pain. The heart is a strange thing.
Opening up my sketchbook the next week was an unexpected blow. I tried to draw some pictures of Soph, and thought about how the last time I drew on these pages she was still alive. I did and still do have a such a weird relationship with how I draw her -- I feel like I wasted so much time not drawing her "properly" cause I felt I couldn't capture her essence, and now she's dead, and I'm still so afraid to draw her and do her some kind of imagined injustice. I am ashamed that even in her death, my perfectionism keeps me from remembering her by drawing her. It adds to the pain of her absence in a very specific way.
I customized my Hobonichi Weeks in an attempt to get myself to write in it more regularly -- it is very cute, but I still tend to play catch up every few days by jotting down what I've missed. I got a new coffee table so that I could have room to spread out for crafts and stuff -- it's definitely a bit too big, but it works for now. I mostly got it so I could have plenty of room to work on my mushrooms for Gallery Nucleus (the exhibit is live now, btw!). I made one of them into a lil Sophie tribute -- I sculpted her out of airdry clay, and then used Apoxie Sculpt to build the little grassy bits onto the base. I also decided to hand-sew a tiny quilt for her to lie on so she could be nice and comfy. :')
I unearthed her adoption papers, and I forgot how perfectly precious she was in these photos ;-; I deduced upon reading through her files that her owners that surrendered her apparently only had her for one year? Maybe two??? before giving her up to the shelter which is appalling to me. Their loss!!! My angel!!!!
Then I got randomly into beading and making lil friendship bracelets -- I made one each for Sophie and Pepper, and I wear them everyday now. I made myself a fun necklace too, though I'd love to attempt another one that is maybe sliiiightly more planned out heh. I had my first fittings for the play towards the middle of the month -- now that we're in tech, these looks have shifted a tiny bit, but they're mostly the same! I'm obsessed with the Big Bud Press pants they gave me for my first costume. They're just scrumptious.
I picked up Soph's ashes almost exactly two weeks after her passing. My vet first gave me the wrong ashes as when I opened up the box, I saw that it was a dog's clay paw print, and the tag on the box said "Sophia Brost." And this is after I had spent 20 minutes crying over (what I thought) was Sophie in the car. So I had to drive back to the vet and literally exchange this stranger's ashes for my babygirl's!!! It's still sort of comical but mostly horrifying to me. They must have heard me ask for "Sophie", and just glanced at the tag before handing me "Sophia." Feels like a farce from a play or something!! Absurd!! But Sophie is home safe and sound with me now, and they put her in this beautiful carved wooden box. I'm in the process of making a shrine/altar for her underneath my yellow mirror -- I found this little granny sewing box at Goodwill, and thought it would be perfect for keeping all of Soph's memorabilia and things.
I visited a store called Beadworld which is as magical as it sounds. Such a bounty of BEADS!! Got so many cute charms and pretty glass beads to make some jewelry for the summer time. Ares was a target of the Cat Distribution System, and found himself in possession of a sweet orange girl a few days after Sophie's death. It was hard to be around her at first, as a lot of her mannerisms and the softness of her fur remind me of Soph, but she is the single most adaptable and chill cat I have ever met, and I'm happy she's a part of the family. Her name is Nami, so now Ares has Ace and Nami at home. :') And Ace and her are fast friends!! We really just need an animal that we name Luffy at some point.
The night of the blood moon was really cool -- I just sat on the stoop outside my building and talked to Soph for like 15 minutes. Sophie is the moon for me now; I say hi whenever I see her, and there have been multiple instances where I have been sobbing in my car over missing her, when I get out and look up to see the moon bright and perfectly framed by clouds for a brief moment--just long enough to look back at me and let me know she's alright.
Then rehearsals started! I got to have a gay rainbow bagel during the big initial "meet and greet" we had the start of the process (where basically everyone in the show meets almost everyone who works at the theatre and vice versa). I also enjoyed taking my "first day of school" picture of my script and folder heheh. Although I mysteriously lost my script after the first week...and I had just got this really cool spring-back binder for it too ;-;
Sophie's mushroom was turning out really lovely, Pepper and I got so many good cuddles in, and I even had the bandwidth to quickly work up the second mushroom I had agreed to do for the exhibit. I decided to do a sort of simple "wizard's house" vibe, with lots of bright colors and stars and things. I also did a lot of trial and error with how I wanted to seal/protect Sophie -- I ended up going with a matte finish polyurethane, so she could be protected without being super glossy. And then I stuck her on top of her quilt, and the quilt on top of the mushroom, and Sophie's Spot was complete!! I have footage for a reel I wanted to eventually edit together with bits of the process. I also took lots and lots of photos on my big fancy camera, but I also have footage from the last few days of Soph's life on there, so I haven't looked at that memory card just yet. And the lil wizard shroom house also turned out quite cute, I think. :o)
Then my dear Radhia (@knivesmeow) posted a photo on her story of her beautiful pilea plant blossoming, and looking so lush, and I asked her for Plant Wisdom and I was inspired to repot and hopefully rejuvenate my small collection of plants. With the dim Seattle winter/spring so far, my plants have been in rough shape lol but I'm hoping they'll start growing in earnest now! They're not dead, but they've not had new growth in many months. I'm considering getting a grow light...
I finally finished my sweater I started in Sept 2023!! I also have a reel that I want to put of this, of the before/after magic of blocking. I wore it to the yarn store a couple times, and both times all the ladies there were so impressed that it was my first sweater ;u; they said I was a "natural born knitter" and that my gauge was pretty much perfect. I was on cloud nine for the rest of the day lol
There was also a big fundraiser gala at the theatre that I got to go to; I got to wear my Selkie gown for the second time ever!! I also really broke a sweat on the dance floor after dinner and it made me keenly aware of how the entire dress is made from polyester. No breathability! At all! But I looked so damn good so I guess it was worth it~
I've been playing Pokemon Sleep for 1.5 months now and it's genuinely been helping get better and more consistent sleep!! Weirdly enough!! (I need every aspect of my life to be gamified with Pokemon, I think) It's even pushed me to ask for one of those smart health rings for my birthday so I can keep an eye on my sleep. :') Two of my castmates are also Very Fit and so they're inspiring me to get my body moving more. I lead a very sedentary lifestyle...so I've also been getting back into Pikmin Bloom to encourage my daily walks, because Pokemon GO's UI is actually nightmarish and horrific to navigate. I need them to do a giant design overhaul of the whole thing before I'll get back into it, I think.
I've got a couple fiber projects on the go right now -- I'm working on another Colosseum Crop from designer edsfarts, but I'm gonna be making it long-sleeve and a solid red (using Happy Place from TL Yarn Crafts); I've finished the neckline on an Ursa sweater from Jac Cieslak, and I'm using Malabrigo Chunky in Rich Chocolate (gods it's SOOOOO soft); and then I'm currently working on a cotton/wool blend Field Day Cardigan, using Dapple from Brooklyn Tweed in the color Honeycrisp!! (the trip when I went to go get the Dapple yarn was the one where the ladies told me I was a natural born knitter hehe) I had tried a gorgeous alpaca blend from Snefnug for my Ursa sweater, but I learned alpaca is waaaaayyy too warm. I'm still using merino wool, but I want this to be a sweater I throw over dresses/tank tops on the cool PNW and Swedish summer evenings.
The gorgeous daffodils are in full bloom in Seattle rn (I love the egg yolk looking ones). I also tried this cute "sprinkle dinkle" latte one morning before rehearsal, from a cafe around the corner from the theatre, but I think the espresso may have been a bad pull or something because it was sooooo bitter and undrinkable, despite being loaded up with sweet syrups. It was so cute too :/ Momo got a fabulous new fit in Infinity Nikki, which I've also had a lot of fun still playing. I wish the game had more areas to explore, and a bit more to do...I don't remember my early Genshin days being quite this boring? The game has been out since the beginning of December, so I'm thinking they'll probably be dropping a new region this summer perhaps. But the cute outfits keep me coming back, so!! We make due~
And last weekend, Ares and I went on a gorgeous cherry blossom walk -- we get about two weeks with the trees in full luscious bloom, so I wanted to take advantage on one of my days off from the show. It was a lovely jaunt. <3
โฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆโฆ
I still find myself crying to sleep thinking about Sophie -- my heart skips when I catch the glimpse of a crumpled t-shirt out of the corner of my eye, or when I think I hear her ambling down the hallway to the bedroom. I just love her so so much, and she should still be here, but I know why she's not, and it doesn't make it any easier. My life is split into these two further chapters -- with Sophie, and after Sophie. I'm still learning to navigate that divide, and I imagine I'll be figuring it out for a long time. I guess that's what loss does; it just add extras markers and chapters to our lives, sometimes in the middle of a sentence, and it's very messy and inconvenient but the story goes on. I'll love her forever! And nothing will ever change that.
I hope March was kind to you, and I hope you are doing alright, in spite of...(gestures vaguely) everything. I'll be back next Monday!! (Mondays will be my posting days for April, as it's my guaranteed day off every week at the theatre ;))
Comments
mystikmisfit
๐๐
Caspian Gee
we love you, chey! thank you for the updates. sending so much love you, ares, and pepper! sophie was lucky to have you, and you to have her! sending love & light.
Ingela Barton
Thatโs the longest share ever, I think โฃ๏ธ Love it all โฃ๏ธ
