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hi guys I won't be doing a LIVE tonight ... thought I would ..
🕑 Added 2021-04-25 18:21:13 +0000 UTC hi guys I won't be doing a LIVE tonight ... thought I would but still not feeling 100%..
just over 4 weeks ago my nephew committed suicide, laid on the train tracks and was decapitated, it was so devastating, it brought our family to its knees
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he had been suffering with his mental health for past few years since being discharged from the army for medical reasons, he developed a brain tumour shortly after returning from his 2nd tour of Afghanistan
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when the surgeons removed the tumour which was near his pituitary gland and optic nerve it wrecked his eyesight, poor lad was living with double vision, he also underwent a personality change and the brain tumour also triggered his mental health decline
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he was our hero 💔
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his mum ( my twin sister) was not well for all of his life and died when he was 16 ... throughout the years I helped look after him off and on and when she died he came to live with me permanently
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despite becoming estranged from him since the op ( his choice, he refused contact, we now know because he was in early stages if developing organic schizophrenia)
I loved him as a mother loves a son, I never stopped caring about him or worrying about him
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I had hoped at some stage things would improve and he would choose to get back in touch
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hearing the news that he had killed himself and in such a violent way ripped my heart apart so badly, and I've had constant nightmares about the suicide and i see him in my dreams virtually every night, it feels my heart will never mend because I never got to see him again or say goodbye or hug him one more time
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his funeral was on Wednesday... his army friends were allowed to carry his coffin, and they spoke of him in the ceremony ... they had his army trophy engraved and brought to the Chapel ... was such a sad day but lovely hearing the positive memories of him from others and his army stories from his army guys
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I thought I would feel alot better after the funeral and be able to sleep better as I haven't slept well for weeks since it happened but the sleepless nights have remained i dream about him so much, it's been leaving me feeling worn out the next day
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this is how I felt yesterday, and despite intending to do a great live show for you I suddenly felt completely mentally exhausted about an hour before I was going to begin 😔
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I m still not feeling right in my head today, so I m going to have to pass on trying to do a live today as well
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I thought I'd be ok by Saturday after the funeral on Wednesday but it's obvious I underestimated things
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Should be fine by next weekend, fingers crossed xxxxxx
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thanks for your understanding xxx
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I ll be uploading content that I previously shot for a couple of days, so there will still be new stuff to keep you entertained ❤
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lots of love xxxxx
