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Dumping some travel clips and picsš Going to be blogging her..
🕑 Added 2021-01-26 03:18:29 +0000 UTC Dumping some travel clips and picsš Going to be blogging here more because itās good for me and Iām free to do so now. Driving for the last 5 days has given me so much time to think and process everything thatās happened in the last few months. I might still share an extended edition, but long story short, one of my biggest goals in life has been to spare my siblings the same suffering Iāve had to go through. I felt very powerless to help them once I left home, I could barely take care of myself, didnāt plan on living very long, all of my pleas to my mother to help them were ignored, denied, and Iāve cut her off repeatedly throughout the years because it made me feel so sick and sad to see her lie to the entire world about the state of her children, pretending things were perfect and desperately seeking admiration. I started therapy in September and have been reprocessing everything, and had the full realization that my mother has Narcissistic personality disorder and will most likely never get better. Knowing this has been a relief-to put a name to all of the pain, and to connect with others who have been through the same. Iād never wish it on anyone but itās validating as hell to know that there is a textbook definition for what I was put through, and that thereās a way to heal from it. I always knew things were wrong and being away from it was the only thing that made me feel better. But in that self-preservation and fear, I had to succumb to the helplessness and just hope that Iād have another chance once they came of age and could leave and not be controlled by her. Itās been weighing on me since I was a teenager, so much guilt and shame on my shoulders. Every single day Iāve thought about it and carried the fear that my siblings would take their lives when they processed what sheād done to them as well. Some things are too sensitive to talk about, but one of the biggest issues is she took all of my siblings out of school to āhomeschool themā, and then just...did nothing. They were little sponges full of wonder and eager to learn and she ignored them every day and put them in front of the TV while she sat on her laptop doing HER schoolwork, going 80k into debt for HER degree at thirty-something, meanwhile in the crucial development stages of my siblings lives they were left to rot. Mind you, sheās now a T H E R A P I S T (trust no one). They are all over 18 now and none of them have education credentials. They are all emotionally unstable, feel like they have nothing to live for, feel dumb and socially awkward around their peers (their words). They were extremely isolated, they werenāt really around other kids until their t 33 n years and by then were developmentally very behind. Both of my brothers had learning disabilities and never received the help they needed for it. My sister is smart af though, she taught herself to read and lived online so sheās the most well adjusted, but because of her self-awareness sheās the most depressed out of the three. They witnessed so much violence growing up, so much Jekyll and Hyde abuse from my mother. I always had hope that the lie she was living might eventually come true. That sheād do the right thing and everything would change. It dawned on me t wo years ago that she never would, and I havenāt spoken a word to her since. It was too painful. This is all the tip of the iceberg, I cannot stress that enough. I was whatās known as the āscapegoatā of the family, so once I was out of the house the abuse I endured didnāt trickle down, they were simply neglected and used by her. All my mother cared about from then on was how she looked to other people. My sister and I reconnected in October after I had been in therapy for a month and I had the guts to respond to her text and tell her how much I loved her and how sorry I was for not responding for a year... We ended up FaceTiming for hours and keeping in contact, and I learned just how bad things had been since I moved out. I learned things so unforgivable that it shook me to my core. It wasnāt even my trauma and it made me feel like I could not continue on, knowing what I knew. Iāve had time to move on, to become my own person, to stuff my own pain down. But I could not live with my sisters pain. That night I asked her if she wanted to come live with me and we started making a plan. I got her a resource for therapists, found an education center that could help her get her credentials, and applied for an apartment in my building as her co-signer so she could have her own place. I started investing money and saving more and doing what I could to keep myself afloat until my sister was safe and out of there and I could confront my mother finally. A million awful blow-ups have ensued on and off toward my sister while we kept our communication private. My mother has gone through all of my sisters belongings and phone, tracked all of my social media including my onlyfans (what kind of sick fuck does that to their kid??) and it has been so violating and nauseating. That this 45 year old woman is treating me like a petty enemy when Iām just trying to protect my sister and do for her in a year what she couldnāt do in 18. Iām not trying to be her mom, Iām not trying to make my sister choose, but Iām making sure she has a chance to start her life and start healing early on so that she doesnāt have to be in pain for as long as I was. It feels like a fresh start for both of us and it is so, so important to me. Probably the most meaningful thing Iāve ever done in my life. Weāre finally in Oregon and I feel such a release and like I can breathe. Like there is room in my brain that has been crowded, yet blank, for so many years. That pain took up so much space. Manifesting as so many different ailments. And now I finally feel like I can move forward with my life. To know that sheās safe makes me feel safe. My youngest brother canāt be helped until he decides he wants help, but Iāve offered it. Iām ready whenever he is. He has Crohnās disease and is on the spectrum so I donāt know if heāll ever feel like he can actually be independent in this world. Heās so angry all the time and I hate it because underneath that he is SO funny and so sweet and I miss him dearly. When I look at them I still see them as babies, I can remember them in every stage of growing up and it makes my heart ache. I try not to think about what could have been. I will never speak to my mother again in my life. The confrontation Iāve needed to have for 2 ye aars no longer feels necessary. Iāve said all I need to indirectly via my social media. And aside from that, Iāve done what I needed to. And thatās the only thing that would have healed me. A narc will never truly hear your words. I will never have true validation or empathy from her. And thatās just something Iām going to learn to live with. Iām going to reconnect with the people she isolated me from. Iām going to be more vulnerable with the framily Iāve built for myself. Iām going to put myself out there and not be afraid. And Iām going to keep building a life that is beautiful, and meaningful, and true. I know Iām more than capable now. I think there will be several more phases of grief Iāll have to face in the next few months and probably periodically for the rest of my life, but Iāll be okay. Iāve never believed that before. Thanks for reading if you got this far, I know you probably didnāt come here for some big tiddied bitchās trauma, but this is important to me and I want to live my truth, no matter where I am. My heart goes out to any of you who may also struggle with parents or former partners with NPD. A lot of people can be ānarcissisticā, but to know someone who truly has NPD is a completely different ballpark that only those who have experienced it will know. They say the average time span to heal from being abused by one is ten years if that helps put it into perspective. Anyway, I donāt care who you are or where you came from, I have so much deep appreciation in my SOUL for you. Because I wouldnāt have been able to do this if I wasnāt financially stable. Itās what finally got me therapy, which has increased my self worth, courage, and is the only thing that could have brought me to this point. Iāll never be able to say it enough, thank you guysš
