starofsyzygy
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I am working really hard on healing my relationship with mon..
🕑 Added 2022-08-18 05:08:21 +0000 UTC I am working really hard on healing my relationship with money. Being born to 2 disabled parents with zero income has really done a number on my attitude toward finances. Money is something I associate with robots, people devoid of humanity or compassion. I associate it with Bezos, Elon Musk. With my uncle- a malignant narcissist who has used his money to hoard wealth for himself while giving the bare minimum to others, who told me to stay in Colorado when my mom was dying because it was "impractical" to rush home. It's something I associate with oppression, with the people who destroyed my mom's life, with the serial r4p1$t who currently oppresses and controls my hometown, and with so much injustice in the world. To me, money is the opposite of Love- it says "I will do this thing not because I want to give what I have freely, but because you have something I want." I believe we ALL deserve to have nice things (even malignant narcissists and other "bad guys")- not just basic necessities, and we shouldn't have to do ANYTHING to "earn" them. I am willing and eager to work hard at what I love, but the moment it becomes "X in exchange for Y," it feels like the opposite of Love. My constant goal and source of inspiration is Love, and so every time what I want to share turns into a debt, my heart and mind shut down like a steel trap. This is why I no longer offer custom content, Patreon, paid onlyfans content, or any other incentive-based stuff. I'm really, really trying to change the way I think about this because I know this mentality has made me rely too heavily on "charity" (though there's a reason that charity is often used as a synonym for love). But there have been many, MANY people in my life who have been beautiful examples of what money can do- the friend who gave me my piano, the friends who financed my life in Chicago, the Miracle Stream, and every friend who has tipped me to help me survive over the years. And in that light, if I can make enough to take care of my basic needs, then I am better equipped logistically and psychologically to take care of others as those people have taken care of me. Maybe money isn't inherently evil, it's how it's used that matters? Feels like a coping strategy or justification for cultural selfishness, but maybe it is true. If you're one of those who have seen value in me and what I put into the world and tipped me, please know that the immense gratitude I feel is the very thing that keeps me from responding or reaching out to say thank you individually each time. I feel so overwhelmingly guilty for receiving anything in exchange for what I have to share- whether it be writing, art, music, or titty pics- because being paid feels wrong to me. I wish we lived in a society that recognized the necessity of taking care of each other and allowing every individual to bring their gifts and talents to the table freely, for the sake of the mutually assured survival and flourishing of the species, but we're not there yet. In the meantime, thank you from the bottom of my heart for accepting what I have to give, and being patient with me as I try to grow into a fully-fledged adult at the ripe old age of 33 after a lifetime of financial trauma. Love, ⭐
