starofsyzygy
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I can't always put a ton of energy into every post, but post..
🕑 Added 2022-10-11 17:30:22 +0000 UTC I can't always put a ton of energy into every post, but posting consistently is good for my mental health, so I appreciate being able to put my thoughts and images out to the universe. I still grapple with pondering the details of my lived experience on a regular basis, including wrestling with memory loss and Cotard's delusion (the belief that one is already dead) when my mind is stressed and preoccupied with explaining the psychotic episode/NDE that occurred a month ago. Today I finally have an appointment with a psychiatrist for formal diagnosis and medication management, and I look forward to feeling supported and on a healthy, directed path again, this time with the missing piece of sobriety now in place. I am looking for a job, putting one foot in front of the other to make money so I can afford to move out of this house that doesn't belong to me into something more independent in a city with more opportunities and connections, and trying to fill my time with productive pursuits without getting overwhelmed. It's challenging when my thoughts are scattered between "background thinking" and all the different passions and hobbies I've amassed over the years, especially as none of them feel comfortable or "right" right now, but I am trusting that this season will pass with the help of time and medication, and I will emerge a more unified and cohesive person on the other side of the fog. One of the biggest challenges is explaining myself to potential employers. "What do you do?" is a question with too big an answer, as the honest truth is a little bit of everything. I'm a writer, poet, visual artist, singer, healer, tarot reader, editor, and more. Which one are they looking for, and can I be it? Can I fit myself into their box? Maybe. Add on top of that "verified crazy person whose life has revolved around cycles of success and failure" and you've got a hard sell for anybody looking at a stack of resumes. This is why Onlyfans has been such a godsend. As I learn to manage money and budget what I have, it's been wonderful to have a place where I can make money being exactly myself, in all my weird neuroticism. If you've read this far, you're one of those people who takes interest in my mind as well as my body. Thank you, thank you, a thousand times thank you for caring about who I am, apart from all the boxes I may or may not check.
